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Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

(115 Posts)
Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:55:18

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

mathanxiety Tue 15-Jan-13 03:54:39

Words are cheap aren't they.

How are you supposed to know what he means and what he doesn't mean? He asks you to try to discern intentions and ignore actual words and actions.

He is trying to get you back.

I also think you should stay and he should go -- where are you going to, and are you going to take immediate legal action to secure your rights to the home? See your local CAB.

Do you own or rent?

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 19:24:58

yes it is, but if OP is leaving her marriage she should know the reason why

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 18:05:50

Its still emotional abuse whether erectile dysfunction is involved or not.

FauxFox Mon 14-Jan-13 17:39:57

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been asked but do you think he might have erectile disfunction and is trying to get out of having to 'perform'? Just seems a bit mad of him to be calling you fat when you're obviously not just to avoid sex?

Lueji Mon 14-Jan-13 14:11:05

I was going to suggest you sit on him, being so fat...

But, sadly, you can hardly do any damage at a size 12.

TBH, I think it is just an excuse and he's just trying to put you down.

He may have his own issues, loss of libido, an affair, whatever, but nothing justifies making you feel bad about your own body.

Sleepysand Mon 14-Jan-13 12:59:30

Don't move out. He can go. You have your little one to think of. He can move back in with his mum or into a flat.

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 11:12:15

Won't he go? You shouldn't have to remove yourself and your DS when it is he who has effectively broken your marriage.

has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it - I'm not sure how you could get past someone saying what he did to you. Sounds like his apology is because his life may be about to become more difficult so he is backtracking, not because he actually means it.

Lafaminute Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:43

You can always lose weight / tone up / eat differently etc. Or not, your choice.

He, however will always be an insensitive wanker.

As PickledApples said. So true. Good luck though, you deserve someone who thinks you're amazing however (great or otherwise) you look.

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Mon 14-Jan-13 10:42:24

Good for you, stay strong and don't go back to this pathetic excuse for a man. Mumsnetters will always be here to reassure you etc.

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 10:40:01

leaverightnow did you have a good talk? Has he given any other reasons for his cruelty? i just can't help thinking there's more to this, like his lack of sex drive, maybe he's impotent and can't face telling you?

yes, he's been a complete twat, but why? if it's just because he's a complete twat, then fine, but have you talked about this?

Leaverightnow Mon 14-Jan-13 10:21:17

Ag f - has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it. I'm still devastated. I'm leaving.

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 08:06:20

I've told him it's over as I'll never get past it

What did he say to this? Is he working out a plan to leave?

ZZZenAgain Mon 14-Jan-13 01:10:50

size it is possible to alter but what if you look too old for him one day? What then?

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 01:09:42

A size 12? What a tosser. Nothing is good enough for people like him. Cut your losses and get out while you still have some self esteem.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Mon 14-Jan-13 00:22:29

Just a quick correction for Jacquelinehyde - i am NOT refusing to have sex with my husband, we often have sex. The question was am i being unreasonable to not want to have sex with him because of his beer belly... and he is my best friend and I do love him, which is why i am so sad that we can no longer have the sex life we once had. With all due respect to this OP i don't think the two threads are the same.

OP - It does sound like your husband has been tactless in the way he has spoken to you and I cannot see how anyone (even a very short person) could be considered fat at a size 12.

NicholasTeakozy Sun 13-Jan-13 20:20:16

Saw my XW a couple of weeks ago. Well, our DCs live with her. We went shopping and while out she moaned that she's fatter than she's ever been. I said "what does your DP say about it?" Her answer? "Nothing". "It's not a problem then and neither should it be".

Your OH is finding excuses to not have sex with you. You're a size 12 ffs, that's not big at all.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 20:19:37

Holla:

"Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband?"

Get them to sew in a few prawns as well, over the weeks they will come to match his personality - repulsive and rotten to the core.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 20:17:43

Well done, LRN. Leaving someone is incredibly hard. Focus on your lovely baby, and on lovely you, and get as much distance as possible between you and him. Life will be much easier without him dragging you down. Mums, sisters, and friends are incredibly valuable and will want to help you so use them if you can.

Start divorce as soon as you can - you can do it all online and fairly cheap. In theory having only been married a year you have fewer property rights but as you have a baby between you, getting the house should be fairly secure.

QueenofPlaids Sun 13-Jan-13 18:50:15

My first LTB.

My DP constantly tells me I'm beautiful, although I am at least 2st overweight and rather short, so 2st does show. He acknowledges I'm overweight and tries to support me in my own efforts to lose the weight. He's never suggested it, but when asked admitted I would look and feel better if I lost a bit. I think this is normal?

Sex in a long term relationship should be about more than the physical attraction you'd have looking at a hot bod. Even if you lose weight, get to a size 10 or whatever, getting older is inevitable. What if you are ill? (That's how I lost my 'hot bod' fwiw). How supportive will this man be if he's acting like this now?

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 18:46:53

Brilliant that you are recently married. You are so much more protected.

Tell him to go. He is vile.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 18:40:31

What an ARSE he is - well done for telling him it's over. thanks wine

Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband? He will freak out when he can't get into any of his clothes and you can say something like "yes, I thought you were looking a bit bigger but wouldn't have been cruel enough to say anything" grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 18:36:44

So, when is the shallow git leaving?

Wanker.

Size 12 FAT? Oh do come on. He's using this an excuse to blame you for the breakdown of your marriage. There is another reason and I'll bet it's another woman - I'd put money on it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 18:32:58

Jaqueline Difference is the OP of that thread could help her DH, althought refusing sex isnt very nice, since hes embarrassed already, this OP's H seems totally vain, even tho OP is not fat at all.

JaquelineHyde Sun 13-Jan-13 18:24:03

OP what you are going through is horrible and you shouldn't be with a man who is so shallow and clearly doesn't love you.

However, for those of you who haven't seen it have a read through the thread about the op who says she loves her husband to death, that he is her best friend etc etc yet she is refusing to have sex with him because he has a beer belly and she isn't turned on by him anymore.

An amazing insight into how contradictory and bloody ridiculous MN threads can be.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 18:21:28

Has he been a nasty fucker again today OP. If so that just proves that you are doing the right thing (not that you need proof of that) he has already proved that he is unworthy of you.

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