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Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

(115 Posts)
Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:55:18

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Mon 14-Jan-13 00:22:29

Just a quick correction for Jacquelinehyde - i am NOT refusing to have sex with my husband, we often have sex. The question was am i being unreasonable to not want to have sex with him because of his beer belly... and he is my best friend and I do love him, which is why i am so sad that we can no longer have the sex life we once had. With all due respect to this OP i don't think the two threads are the same.

OP - It does sound like your husband has been tactless in the way he has spoken to you and I cannot see how anyone (even a very short person) could be considered fat at a size 12.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 01:09:42

A size 12? What a tosser. Nothing is good enough for people like him. Cut your losses and get out while you still have some self esteem.

ZZZenAgain Mon 14-Jan-13 01:10:50

size it is possible to alter but what if you look too old for him one day? What then?

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 08:06:20

I've told him it's over as I'll never get past it

What did he say to this? Is he working out a plan to leave?

Leaverightnow Mon 14-Jan-13 10:21:17

Ag f - has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it. I'm still devastated. I'm leaving.

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 10:40:01

leaverightnow did you have a good talk? Has he given any other reasons for his cruelty? i just can't help thinking there's more to this, like his lack of sex drive, maybe he's impotent and can't face telling you?

yes, he's been a complete twat, but why? if it's just because he's a complete twat, then fine, but have you talked about this?

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Mon 14-Jan-13 10:42:24

Good for you, stay strong and don't go back to this pathetic excuse for a man. Mumsnetters will always be here to reassure you etc.

Lafaminute Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:43

You can always lose weight / tone up / eat differently etc. Or not, your choice.

He, however will always be an insensitive wanker.

As PickledApples said. So true. Good luck though, you deserve someone who thinks you're amazing however (great or otherwise) you look.

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 11:12:15

Won't he go? You shouldn't have to remove yourself and your DS when it is he who has effectively broken your marriage.

has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it - I'm not sure how you could get past someone saying what he did to you. Sounds like his apology is because his life may be about to become more difficult so he is backtracking, not because he actually means it.

Sleepysand Mon 14-Jan-13 12:59:30

Don't move out. He can go. You have your little one to think of. He can move back in with his mum or into a flat.

Lueji Mon 14-Jan-13 14:11:05

I was going to suggest you sit on him, being so fat...

But, sadly, you can hardly do any damage at a size 12.

TBH, I think it is just an excuse and he's just trying to put you down.

He may have his own issues, loss of libido, an affair, whatever, but nothing justifies making you feel bad about your own body.

FauxFox Mon 14-Jan-13 17:39:57

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been asked but do you think he might have erectile disfunction and is trying to get out of having to 'perform'? Just seems a bit mad of him to be calling you fat when you're obviously not just to avoid sex?

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 18:05:50

Its still emotional abuse whether erectile dysfunction is involved or not.

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 19:24:58

yes it is, but if OP is leaving her marriage she should know the reason why

mathanxiety Tue 15-Jan-13 03:54:39

Words are cheap aren't they.

How are you supposed to know what he means and what he doesn't mean? He asks you to try to discern intentions and ignore actual words and actions.

He is trying to get you back.

I also think you should stay and he should go -- where are you going to, and are you going to take immediate legal action to secure your rights to the home? See your local CAB.

Do you own or rent?

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