Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

(115 Posts)
Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:55:18

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

TisILeclerc Sun 13-Jan-13 08:16:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienReflux Sun 13-Jan-13 08:21:37

Nice one Tis!! best of luck smile

TisILeclerc Sun 13-Jan-13 08:33:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Sun 13-Jan-13 08:57:34

Whatever your weight, you're going to feel a whole lot lighter once you've divested yourself of 12stone+ of a useless h who is surplus to requirements.

Once he's gone. resolve to make your home a twat-free zone grin

McPhee Sun 13-Jan-13 09:01:47

You're not a piece of frigging meat shock

Jesus, this man would get my foot between his legs......hard.

Snog Sun 13-Jan-13 09:02:22

He doesn't love respect or value you
Leave if you know what's best for you and your dc

LTB.

Size 12 is NOT FAT.

What are YOU getting from this relationship??

SueFawley Sun 13-Jan-13 09:14:05

LTB.
He'd be callng you fat if you were a size 0. This is not about your weight/shape it's about the fact that he is a total twunt.

Why am I saying LTB? Because you're going to end up with not an ounce of self esteem if you stay with him.

lollystix Sun 13-Jan-13 09:18:09

I'm sorry you're in the situation. I think you actually have to ask yourself if he's gone beyond the point of no return with that - could you realistically feel valued and accepted by him again? Dust of your self respect and look for a way out. You are not here simply to please him. Your wee boy does also not need to watch this play out through his childhood. You and DS are worth so much more. Ask yourself - does he make you happy? What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

zzzzz Sun 13-Jan-13 09:22:04

Well we are all in agreement that you are not fat and he s being horrid.

Could he be having problems with erectile dysfunction? Or perhaps a lump? He sounds like he is lashing out in a very unusual way.

Numberlock Sun 13-Jan-13 09:29:19

Why the hell did you go back to him a year ago?

ArtemisatBrauron Sun 13-Jan-13 09:33:37

shock err a size 12 is NOT fat unless you are literally three feet tall (which I assume you're not!!!)
More to the point, the things he said are cruel and disrespectful as well as untrue and I couldn't be with someone who would say such horrible things with no justification.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is a scumbag and ditch him! You can do a lot better than someone who puts you down. Also, you don't want your lovely child growing up hearing their dad put their mum down.

CheungFun Sun 13-Jan-13 09:38:49

sad he sounds awful! If he's this nasty over a non-issue what use would he be if something bad happened and you needed his support or help?

I don't usually comment on relationship threads, but I think you'd be better off without him dragging you down.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 09:39:18

I know how easy it is to say leave; I also know how hard it is to do. Do you love him (why?) and did he ever love you? If you do, or even if you don't, you owe it to your little one to at least try. I cannot believe he actually thinks you are too fat to sleep with, so you need the truth (and it may be something uncomfortable, like he has another woman). You need to go to marriage guidance. Even if you split up, counselling will help you survive and get a better settlement.

By the way, you are worth way more than this treatment, and if the marriage ends you will get better treatment.

Good luck

X

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 09:41:45

Zzzzz's comment re erectile dysfunction seems very possible too.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 13-Jan-13 09:58:20

My ex did this to me as well- when I was a size 8. At that time he was suffering erectile dysfunction mainly because he was hugely over-weight and a heavy smoker- but of course it was easier to blame it on me. You said your OH had never been very interested in sex anyway- so it's obviously nothing to do with YOU- more his pathetic attempt to undermine your obviously outstanding ability to have a new baby and still look great.
Twat.

strumpetpumpkin Sun 13-Jan-13 10:00:19

leave the bastard . seriously.

Flojobunny Sun 13-Jan-13 10:11:31

LTB. Nothing else to add. You have some good advice here. Please take it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 10:23:53

This has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with a man trying crush your self-esteem. If you were twig-thin he'd find something else that he was dissatisfied with so that you'd run around trying to make it better and trying to please him. It's bullying behaviour, emotional abuse, no more no less.

Don't LTB... if he thinks you're substandard, make him leave and go sleep elsewhere. Good luck

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 11:49:56

Interesting, there is thread over on AIBU about a woman who wont sleep with her husband because he's too fat and she finds him repulsive. Oddly, over on AIBU 90% of posters agree she shouldnt have to sleep with him hmm

Viviennemary Sun 13-Jan-13 11:57:40

Tell him he's too mean and nasty to sleep with.

PickledApples Sun 13-Jan-13 12:23:41

Holly, did the woman in question tell her DH he was too "fat and repulsive" to sleep with? I don't think anyone here is focusing on the sex side of things actually.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 12:30:07

The AIBU board is hardly the benchmark for sensitive, balanced, relationship advice. smile I suppose the bigger picture is that, whilst we'd all like to think that love is blind and that our partners would love us regardless of age or beauty, the reality is that everyone's human and it's not always the case. However, should someone find themselves in the situation of not finding their partner sexually attractive any more, they should at least have the humanity to deal with the problem sensitively, rather than be cruel about it the way the OP's husband clearly is.

NewYearNewBoo Sun 13-Jan-13 12:34:41

I saw that thread Holly didn't he have an actual self inflicted beer belly that limited positions they could use and affected his self esteem, no lights on, no touching his belly/chest which was making it hard for the op to find him sexually attractive. Though it does have its similarities, the op on here is by no means fat, is trying to be healthy and deal with the changes that your body naturally goes through after pregnancy with a partner who seems hell bent on destroying her self esteem.

Midwife99 Sun 13-Jan-13 12:38:28

IMHO this is nothing to do with weight or size. It's too do with a man child trying to grind a woman down & belittling her. Some of you may remember me having the same treatment from my "DH" telling me I was too fat & that he just doesn't like "huge" women (I'm a 14/16 & always have been since we met). We split up in May last year. He then "realised" how wrong he had been & from August onwards he begged my forgiveness & embarked on a course of psychotherapy to sort out his mental health problems. Because that's what they were - his problems to do with women, relationships, sex & his own self esteem. We are still living apart but guess what - turns out I'm the most gorgeous woman who walked the earth! This is NOT about you OP. It's about him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now