Is this friendship worth continuing?

[Losingexcessweight]

This may be long, but i dont want to drip feed and at the same time its best to have a good picture..

Im 25, i have a friend whos almost 60. We met when we used to work together about 5-6 years ago (we both no longer work there and havent for several years). We have always had alot of contact, speaking on the phone several times a week, seeing each other once a week.

I have found over the years that whenever i see her i usually end up taking her somewhere local or taking her to the supermarket etc and then taking her back home with her shopping (even if i dont need to go to the supermarket myself).

My friend struggles alot with money, and never seems to be happy in her job. So this has resulted in her being a bit of a "moaner"

I cant remember the last time she said anything positive about anything.

Since i ve had my baby (12 weeks ago) i find her personality has become more irrating. I know this sounds awful. I feel shes constantly giving me advice, telling me to do certain things with my DD. I have noticed that when i take my DD to her house, when DD is crying, my friends response to DD is

"Shut up, shut up, shut up etc" This is said in a sharp tone, which i dont think she intends to be aggressive in her tone, but its something i dont like her saying TBH.

Or she will say "Whats all that noise" again in a sharp tone.

When she holds my DD, DD doesnt seem settled with her, and will scream until i hold her myself.

Im wondering if DD is doing this because shes associating her with that sharp tone. I dont know if at 12 weeks old she can do that.

Other comments are:

"shes spoilt already"
"she has you right weighed up"

My friend also constantly offers to mind my DD, which i have refused every single time.

I feel this friendship has run its course, and i dont wish to see her again.

I dont know how to break this friendship off, or if i have no real reason to discontinue the friendship.

I have spoken to my mum about her who has suggested just constantly never being available and too busy to meet whenever she wants to arrange something, but i know my friend will ask after afew times of me saying this, "whats the problem?"

I have enjoyed her company in the past and have enjoyed talking to her, but i have felt abit used by her in the past as i have a car etc.

Any advice on what to do with this situation?

[ImperialBlether]

It's been an unusual relationship right from the start - she's old enough to be your mum but has been dependent on you for lifts etc. Can I ask you who was most likely to make the phone calls? If it was you, how was she if you didn't phone, eg if you were out for a while?

I wouldn't visit anyone who told my new baby to shut up and I CERTAINLY wouldn't let her mind my child.

I think I'd just let it peter out and try to make more friends your own age who are in a similar situation. Do you go to play groups etc? I remember I thought you couldn't go to them until your child was big enough to play and was surprised to find the eldest child was four months old.

I wonder how your mum felt about this friendship - did your friend give you something that your mum didn't?

[Losingexcessweight]

Initating contact has been equal both ways.

I have just recently started going to a playgroup.

My mum was fine about her. My friend is young in the mind for her ages and we have got on personality wise, i ve never seen her as a mother figure.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I find this quite an odd situation.

Speaking to someone several times a week and meeting once a week is quite an intense friendship, isn't it?

Can completely see why you want to cut her out given the things she has said about/to your daughter. I bloody would in your position.

But I'm a bit surprised this friendship didn't peter out ages ago, since there doesn't seem to be much good in it for you...?

I'm finding it hard to understand why you carried on initiating contact with someone so negative/exploitative etc.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Also I find it odd that you said this:

I don't know...if i have no real reason to discontinue the friendship

You don't need a reason and even if you did, there are plenty. Look at it another way - do you have a reason to continue the friendship? It doesn't sound like it really.

If you think she won't let things just fall away (ie take the hint) then you must just be honest with her. Just say you think you no longer have so much in common with her since you had your baby and you don't like the way she behaves around her and the things she says.

It's fair enough. What are you worried about? That she will be angry? A real friend would be mortified, not angry. You seem to feel you owe her something and you don't.

Good luck with it, and enjoy your baby. I envy you having a little one :)

[Losingexcessweight]

We used to work together so it wasnt easy to cut contact then, and after that i think it was just habit tbh.

She has had afew physically abusive relationships in the past and is very anti-men. She admits this on a regular basis.

She does feel my husband isnt good enough (he does have his faults etc) like everybody, and has said that i should never have got married. I have never given off the impression that im not happy with dh etc.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

She sounds worse and worse.

Who does she think she is?

[tumbletumble]

Maybe you feel a bit guilty about ending the friendship because she relies on you to help with her shopping etc? But her treatment of your DD would be ringing alarm bells for me.

[Losingexcessweight]

I dont like negative feeling etc and thats why i dont want to just blurt everything out to her etc. And probaly why i ve allowed this to continue for so long. :-(

[ekidna]

Peter it out and if she does ask you why tell her you don't want to spend time with someone who talks to your daughter like that full stop. She sounds horrible- cant see any reason to look back

[ekidna]

Not your negative feelings to deal with they are her negative feelings to deal with. Check out some assertiveness formulas on web and stick to them if she tries to cling on to you

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

You sound like a nice person. It's not easy feeling that you are hurting someone's feelings. But she sounds like someone who thinks the whole world is against her. I think you know, don't you, that if you break off this 'friendship' that you will be the next focus for her resentment. And you probably don't like the idea of that either.

But it's a self fulfilling prophecy from her, really isn't it? If you are miserable and negative people will lose patience with you and not want to spend time with you... making your more miserable and negative.

This is not really your problem. You need to focus on your own life and you are not obliged to have someone in it who irritates and drains you. This is not a healthy friendship anyway, not at all. She is jealous - your dh is one focus and now your daughter. It reminds me a bit of Notes On A Scandal, why don't you watch that film? Judi Dench is brilliant in it :)

[Losingexcessweight]

How do i break this friendship off without being offensive to her?

[Sneets]

Does your DH work? Is your mum available? Do stuff with them instead at first to break it off slowly. And join playgroups, she certainly wouldn't want to go to them with crying babies! It may take time but if you do it slowly it won't hurt either if you. And if she does feel hurt, she'll get over it, she's a grown woman! You have too much to look forward to in life being so young, don't keep her in your life.

[WinkyWinkola]

Never ever leave your child with her! Not that you would now that you're looking to end the friendship.

Next time she calls to make an arrangement, tell her you're busy. Extend each visit by a week or so. Fade away.

However, if someone said shut up to my dcs, then I'd have probably fallen out with them already. And the comments about your marriage - did you not stand up for your dh and you? dSounds like she leans on you for lifts etc but is actually very rude to you!

Does she have children of her own btw? Does she have anyone else in her life apart from you?

[barbiecollector]

I feel this friendship has run its course, and i dont wish to see her again.

There's your answer. I agree that you should 'fade away' as she hasn't actually done anything wrong and you don't want to hurt her feelings. If she asks why you don't see her anymore, maybe say something like you prefer hanging out with other mums with small children?

[LovesBeingWokenEveryNight]

Op I used to have a much older friend met through work. Does she have any family or are you her only friend?

Tbh I don't think you are going to get away without it becoming unpleasant, there is no way to break contact without her feeling hurt as she will miss you. That's not to say you have to keep seeing her. Some white lies and not calling if you can't face anything more

[Losingexcessweight]

Of course i did correct her about my dh.

She can be quite rude, i have noticed that. She has a dd whos 34. She has fell out with her afew times but says her dd has a attitude problem

"I think your dd is really coming on, and i'd tell you if i felt she wasnt whether it upset you or not"

So theres a compliment and a horrible comment in there in one sentence.

[Sneets]

Obviously SHE has the problem. Probably why she THINKS her dd has one, and why, when you fizzle out her life, you will hear that you have one!

[Losingexcessweight]

She has about 3 friends (they are her own age)

She has family close by, not alot of family tho.

Dh hates me going to see her, as i come back in a bad mood and we end up having a row :-(

I have thought about ignoring all calls and texts and hoping she ll give up. But i dont think thats a nice thing to do, and i wouldnt like it if that was done to me

[Sneets]

But you don't sound horrid so none would do that to you. Slowly fizzle it out. Your better than this. See other friends, make other friends.

[lagoonhaze]

Friendships often wane as you adapt to motherhood and meet new people. You really don't need to have a friend as toxic as this zapping your energy around your precious time with new baby.

[LovesBeingWokenEveryNight]

Dh hates me going to see her, as i come back in a bad mood and we end up having a row :-(

Oh dear. Well yes you need to finish things then. I think your mums advice is right. When she asks if there's a problem just say you have been busy with lots of things

[MaryPoppinsBag]

You need to screen calls and don't answer them. Reply to texts but say you are really sorry but you are busy on that day/ week.

She will get the message.

[StupidFlanders]

As your baby gets older you'll find yourself much too busy for this regular meet up anyway. I'd say that you've joined a few mums' groups so you're busy most days and be very direct if she asks you to meet up after say that the busy morning exhausts you and your dd so you'd rather not.

If she still wants to catch up I'd be very specific and say she could come round to your place from 10-11 next Thirsday (or the following week) without offering to pick her up and continue in this manner. Your life is very different now, don't make it harder.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Has she ever been to your house or is it always you going to hers (in your car, etc...)? The trouble with inviting her to yours (unless you are 100% sure she won't bother to make the trip) is that you can't decide when the visit is over IYSWIM. I think, from what you've posted, that you'll struggle to be hard-hearted enough to block her out of your life, unless you are really ready/annoyed enough to do that. If not, the 'gradually spacing & shortening visits' approach is best - and, of course, gather your stuff together and leave the next time she tells DD to shut up. 'Better go now, her crying is obviously upsetting you'. Good luck & keep posting!