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Need brutally honest opinions and advice please, before I send myself insane!

(369 Posts)
uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 10:33:14

Ohh...I've messed up, I think.

Long story short (ish!), I have children in a local primary school. One of my children has a rather cute teacher who is only a year or two older than me, and I thought he might have a bit of a 'thing' for me - just from little things that I've probably over analysed and turned into something from nothing!

Basically it was just things like we've had quite a few meetings since September, and I thought I picked up a bit of chemistry as he had a twinkle in his eye, seemed to have this half smile on his face a lot of the time while he was talking to me, looked over at me a lot (during assemblies where the parents are invited, he would be looking in my direction a lot; I noticed out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked over at my child the teacher would suddenly look at my child too, as if he'd followed my gaze), a few times I walked past him on my way to the school office, and when I looked over at him his eyes would dart away, as if he'd been looking at me, he always seemed quite 'aware' of himself when I was around; when I like someone (or hate them!) I tend to try and act normal, but get it wrong and end up overemphasising my movements; he'd do this and once I was in the office (I volunteer in school sometimes), he walked past the window, then backed up, looked around the room for a few seconds (it's used as a storeroom and I was the only one in there) then glanced at me and walked off.

Anyway - he suddenly went a bit colder towards me; I have kept acting the same way, which mostly consists of when I have to walk past him in the mornings, making sure I'm talking to my children so my eyes are focused on them and I don't have to look at him (too shy!), only talking to him when I have to, pretty much ignoring him and avoding eye contact...so I don't get why his behaviour suddenly changed.

All of a sudden, he's laughing and joking with everyone else (literally), and not even saying hello to me, let alone laughing and joking! Now, anytime he sees me approaching the school gate with my children, he'll turn and go into the playground out of sight. Thought I was imagining it, but on the days I've sent the kids in on their own and 've stayed out of sight, he keeps his feet firmly rooted outside the gate and never goes into the playground!

He even ignored me yesterday...went to pick my child up, child came out upset over something so as there was only me and one other mum left in the playground, I though I'd quickly ask the teacher what was wrong with LO; he was looking in my direction as I was walking, yet when I got 6 feet away from him, he suddenly turned and went back into the classroom! The other mum looked at me and then him with a "what the...?" face and I was mortified!

So - sorry for the essay - bad gramma/punctuation is due to me trying to keep this as brief as possible - but I really need to know what's going on.

Why would he act this way; did I get it wrong when I thought he liked me, or could I have inadvertently done something to upset or annoy him, do you think?

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:00:33

I am definitely over aware of what I'm doing.

And thanks, I've learnt a new word today smile

I am generally quite - actually I can't think of the word; well for starters I always AM in a rush - with having more than one child to get ready in the mornings, a bus from the other side of town and then a 20 minute walk to the school, I usually get there just before the gates are opened, as soon as they open I'm trying to get my eldest to stay near me while I get their lunchbox out from under the buggy instead of running through the gate straight away, and then once they're through the gate (I do watch to make sure they're through ok, as do all the other parents from 'our' year), I rush off to get my other child over to the nursery. I walk quite quickly naturally (everyone has always commented on that, ever since I was a child), and always look down at the ground, rarely look up as I have zero self confidence; it's just that it feels different around him, because I feel like he's watching me somehow.
It's hard to explain and makes me sound mental, I know, but ever since the first meeting when he was all cute and smiley and - I thought - slightly flirty (although probably wasn't), I've been really worried about coming across as though I like him - because I knew if he ever found out, he wouldn't reciprocate.

Oh, you get the idea, I won't ramble on any longer smile

Basically; I don't think I'm acting hugely different to how I do with the other teachers, it's just I act different towards him than the other parents do, and obviously he's definitely avoiding me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 16:01:29

Crivens, uhoh, you're revealing probably more than you know... shock

Because it's embarrassing that he waits until I'm about 6-8 feet away (or almost at the gate, anyway), looks straight at me and then suddenly turns and walks off into the playground - then I turn round after dropping them off and he ALWAYS come straight back out..
Why does he need to be AT the gate, he sees you're there safely dropping them off - and he goes. Then he comes back in case there are more parents/children.

..only reason I know he's done that (I don't look back) is because he suddenly starts laughing loudly with one of the other parents (there's one guy that always stands there talking to him)
Other parents there but you seem to think that he's laughing 'loudly' with one of them to make a point about not doing this with YOU?

- maybe they're laughing AT me
Why would you think that? They could be laughing for any number of reasons. Shocking rugby performance, latest joke, anything... but you think it's about YOU?

I don't know; but either way, I'd rather avoid it altogether and just send my children down on their own.
So that's why he's at the gate, to see that your children are on the way down the drive where they need to be going?

Plus, my youngest always something that they need to tell the teacher; whether it's leaving their water bottle in school or something like that...
Why does your child ALWAYS have to tell the teacher this trivia? I know my mother would have checked I had these things in my bag and not left them.

I used to just let the teacher know myself because my child's memory isn't great but now I feel like I can't do that, so I have to get LO to tell the teacher herself.
I think you were looking for excuses to talk to him and you've done it too much... that's why he's awkward around you. Something has broken the camel's back. There's no need for your child's memory to be deficient is there? Check they have all they need when you pick them up. No need to keep bothering the teacher for every little thing.

Sorry if I've micro-read into what you've posted, uhoh but it really does sound to me as if you've manoeuvred things and maybe it's taken a little while to get awkward - but now it is. You can change that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 16:04:12

You do sound really lovely, uhoh, I hope you find somebody nice and worthy of all that emotion bubbling inside you. smile

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:10:54

Well...look for example - they have toast at school, and have to take the money in weekly; however it used to be daily, in an envelope - I used to give LO the envelope every morning and tell them they had to put it somewhere; I let them choose so they would remember where it was. Every time I did that, but didn't remind them literally at the school gate, they'd forget to give it in, not get toast that day and come out at hometime upset.

So I decided to remind my child every day, just before they went into school, that their toast money was in (whoever pocket I'd put it in) and realised that this was the only way they would remember they had toast money .

A few times I forgot to remind LO, so I'd just quickly tell the teacher that the toast money was (wherever), so if it got to the time they hand it in and LO hadn't given the teacher the money, he would know it was there and remind LO. My child really gets obsessed about his toast, or more specifically; forgetting something - like yesterday when they had obvious had a raffle in assembly I knew nothing about; LO came out crying that they hadn't bought a raffle ticket.
The teacher never seemed to mind; it wasn't every day, at times not even every week but I have always apologised profusely whenever I'd done it, and the teacher to be fair, understood. Or said he did, anyway.

Anyway I stopped that because now it's weekly the toast doesn't get forgotten,plus LO is growing up a bit more and handling things better this half term. The water bottle, I actually didn't check after school which was my bad. I just told LO to mention to the teacher as he went in that the water bottle was in class somewhere (unnamed - again, my bad but I've done it now) and the teacher said ok; no biggie.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:14:50

Oh and also; yes I might be reading too much into him going in the playground, coming back out etc. It's just that I've noticed if I stand at the top of the driveway and send LO down on their own, the teacher stays put.

That's all - like the times I've been walking to the office, not looking at him or anything but he loks over, then when I glance at him cos I feel I'm being watched (as you do!) his eyes dart back and he looks embarrassed.

Which usually prompts me to think my hair is sticking up or something...see my previous post about being under-confident smile

It's just hard NOT to notice when someone acts so awkward around you, but then I suppose I'm giving off the same impression.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 16:16:37

Maybe you are just one of those parents that always needs a 'quick word' with the teacher and as he has now realised this, he's trying to avoid you grin

What year is your youngest child in?

Maryz Sat 12-Jan-13 16:16:58

You know, you should have started this thread as

"AIBU to have a crush on my children's teacher. He was new in September and I thought we were getting on great (and doing a bit of flirting), but now he seems to have changed and been avoiding me"

You would have got very sensible "he was being nice, but has now realised you saw it as flirting and is feeling a bit uncomfortable".

Are you this over-analytical in all aspects of your life? It must be exhausting.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 16:17:16

Can you pay the 'toast money' in online somehow? Or maybe in one payment to the school secretary or something? I can see how young children handling money is something that is fraught with difficulty.

Do you think it's possible to teach your LO that they must start taking responsibility when they don't do something they're supposed to? I mean, buying a raffle ticket would be a good lesson - non-essential but something they wanted. Teachers have so much to do, so many children to see to. It's not really fair to put the onus on them to manage your child over and above what their general responsibilities are. Perhaps the teacher actually does mind.

Sounds like it's all of a lot of kerfuffle over very little and perhaps it's just on your mind more than it should be and you set more store in these interactions than perhaps somebody else would.

You haven't done anything 'wrong' but you do seem to have a knack - and a will - for getting yourself on 'radar' somehow, no? That's what I read in your posts anyway.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:23:00

Haha nope...trust me, I've asked the office about paying to them (same with lunch money) and got a resounding no. They're not hugely flexible on that kind of thing.

I'm trying to be off radar, trust me. I know it doesnt seem like it.

Thing is, there is one mum (from the same year) that at least 3 times a week is talking to him for quite a while - not that I'm watching, just notice that she's there as I send eldest down and still there the entire time I'm waiting by the nursery with youngest. The last time I spoke to the teacher outside the school gates was in October, so not like I'm there all the time with random questions!

Even with the meeting with the TA; I asked to see her because I thought she'd come out into the playground to talk, but she invited me into the classroom instead; which made me all worried the teacher would think I'd planned it that way.

I know, over analysing again so I'll shush now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 16:30:51

Have you tried 'Kalms'? Yogo? Soothing Indian head massage? A combination of all of these? grin

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:33:47

I'm not as neurotic as I sound. I go to school, fine. It's only when he turns on his heels at that mere sight of me that I get all "wtf".

But, rise above it, carry on as normal.

I suppose I was hoping that there might have been a chance he was acting that way because he liked me, but clearly not after what everyone has said.

Will try not to look so awkward around him and see f it makes a difference.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 16:36:42

If he does like you, the way he's acting makes him a nob.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 16:50:14

Yes, well he clearly doesn't, so... sad

I think I was just thinking maybe he liked me, but was worried that either I would see him as just a teacher, or whatever so didn't want to risk seeing like he liked me...but I realise I was probably just transferring what i thought, onto him and he really just sees me as a parent.

suburbophobe Sat 12-Jan-13 17:15:02

Primary school, yes?

Not many male teachers at primary schools so he's probably lapping up all the mums' attentions.

Sounds like a bit of a player, and very unprofessional anyway.

You sound rather obsessed, so stay well clear, and yes, you really need to get out more....

suburbophobe Sat 12-Jan-13 17:18:12

...and I'm not talking about the school run... grin

granniegrunt Sat 12-Jan-13 17:18:23

I have read all the comments very carefully....nobody has picked up on the fact that you didn't respond at all to his attention...in your own words you made sure you focused on the kids, looked at the floor etc etc....maybe you gave the impression you weren't interested and he has moved on and perhaps even feels a bit silly

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 17:32:52

Lol thanks grannie, I didn't respond in the sense I didn't get all flirty with him, but obviously gave him the impression I liked him, by looking at the floor etc...although as I said, I'm quite good at remaining professional and not giving away that I like people..usually :/

I think everyone else is probably right, unfortunately sad

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 17:36:27

surbophobe - actually picking up on what you said; I remember at the first meeting I had with him, I couldn't get this stupid grin off my face, was shifting nervously in my seat etc and he laughed and asked what was up, told me I looked nervous etc and I tried to explain it away, saying that I was just intimidated by the fact I had been called in to a meeting by a teacher (partly true), I think I said it was a bit "scary" - and he laughed, saying that he couldn't be scary, seeing as he was a male teacher in a primary school.

So, given that's he's obviously acutely aware that he's a man in a predominantly female field...I doubt he'd start acting the 'player'.

Hang on...have I just stumbled across the real reason for his awkwardness?

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 12-Jan-13 17:44:50

OP what do you consider to be normal behaviour with regards to parent/teacher interaction?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 12-Jan-13 18:17:24

but in my eyes he's at work

I just get pissed off when a supposed professional starts acting like a 12 year old

Neither of these things you said are true. You haven't just seen him as a professional. You were sizing him up as a romantic prospect and you have admitted it.

You weren't seeing him as just a teacher and now you resent the fact that he isn't just behaving as a teacher. My point, which I'm not making terribly well, is that you can't have it both ways. You can't look at him 'unprofessionally' even if it was only in your mind and then be annoyed at what you see as his unprofessional behaviour.

None of this stuff would matter to you if you didn't really fancy him. You wouldn't be bothered by his rudeness.

There are two possible scenarios:

1) You fancy him and he fancies you and knows it's a no-go or feels awkward about it.

2) You fancy him and he doesn't fancy you and feels awkward about it.

Either way, it doesn't matter all that much. Why are you posting? It's not because you feel awkward at school and want him to act the professional, is it? It's because you fancy the pants off him and want to know if it is scenario 1 above or scenario 2!!!

FWIW I think it's impossible to call based on the information you have given. Either are plausible.

Whatever, you should carry on doing what you need to do for yourself and your children and obviously avoiding talking to your child's teacher is not a good situation to be in.

I understand why you feel as you do, in your position (ie fancying the pants off him) I would want to know what he was thinking too!!

But I don't think he will tell you and I don't think anyone here can give you a definitive answer either.

Sorry!

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 12-Jan-13 18:24:13

given that's he's obviously acutely aware that he's a man in a predominantly female field...I doubt he'd start acting the 'player'.

Hang on...have I just stumbled across the real reason for his awkwardness?

No, you haven't. A man working in a primary school couldn't do his job if he felt awkward around women.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 12-Jan-13 18:29:24

btw, OP, in that scenario I suggested, where he fancies you too and feels awkward... he may not realise your feelings but just feel awkward about his own. Or he may feel awkward about both.

HE may not realise you've got the hots for him but WE know because you wouldn't have started this thread otherwise, or be trying so hard to analyse his behaviour.

So be honest, and admit it... you think about him all the time and you've got an ALMIGHTY crush on him. Stop pretending you're just miffed that it's tricky talking to your child's teacher! smile

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 18:43:55

Not all the time. Yes I have a massive crush and yes, I wish he reciprocated.

But going on what everyone has said, he doesn't.

I don't agree with those that said even if he had of liked me, it's a total no-go because people do it and as long as he's not directly teaching my child (as he wouldnt be as of September), it shouldn't be a problem.

I AM annoyed that he's acting unprofessionally by avoiding me, because in my mind it's making it quite clear to everyone that I've somehow crossed him.

Oh and what I meant about him being a man in a 'female world' was that if he's worked out I like him, he might be worried that he will be seen as in the wrong, that he had somehow encouraged it or something.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 18:46:22

Dione - sorry forgot to answer.

Well, going on what my childrens' last teachers were like, friendly but not overly so, not telling you about their personal life or asking about yours, erm...just - normal!

He's said before he's a friendly, jokey sort of person which is fair enough. But I do think that whatever his reason for his behaviour, he should continue doing his job as normal. If he had such a problem with me that he has to avoid me, why doesn't he speak to the Head and have her broach it with me?

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 18:50:59

And also... (lol sorry!) even though I'm 'ignoring' him/avoiding eye contact, when I have to ask him a question about my child or have a meeting with him/the teaching assistant, I always maintain that professional atmosphere.

I'm not sitting there using his first name or being overly familiar, sitting there twirling my hair or something stupid like that; I sit across the table from him, call him by his surname, stick to only talking about the subject in hand and not trying to swerve the conversation round to anything more informal...I'd never dream of 'asking him out', as I said this year I would've just tried to get more on 'casual chat' terms; the same as I am with that friendly male teaching assistant and then see if it led anywhere once he wasn't teaching my child, that's all.

So I don't think I was acting unprofessionally - and not thinking unprofessionally all the time' I wasn't perving over him every time I saw him, fgs! The majority of the time I did see him as 'the teacher' and not 'that bloke I like'.

It's hard to explain how my mind works :/

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