Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need brutally honest opinions and advice please, before I send myself insane!

(369 Posts)
uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 10:33:14

Ohh...I've messed up, I think.

Long story short (ish!), I have children in a local primary school. One of my children has a rather cute teacher who is only a year or two older than me, and I thought he might have a bit of a 'thing' for me - just from little things that I've probably over analysed and turned into something from nothing!

Basically it was just things like we've had quite a few meetings since September, and I thought I picked up a bit of chemistry as he had a twinkle in his eye, seemed to have this half smile on his face a lot of the time while he was talking to me, looked over at me a lot (during assemblies where the parents are invited, he would be looking in my direction a lot; I noticed out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked over at my child the teacher would suddenly look at my child too, as if he'd followed my gaze), a few times I walked past him on my way to the school office, and when I looked over at him his eyes would dart away, as if he'd been looking at me, he always seemed quite 'aware' of himself when I was around; when I like someone (or hate them!) I tend to try and act normal, but get it wrong and end up overemphasising my movements; he'd do this and once I was in the office (I volunteer in school sometimes), he walked past the window, then backed up, looked around the room for a few seconds (it's used as a storeroom and I was the only one in there) then glanced at me and walked off.

Anyway - he suddenly went a bit colder towards me; I have kept acting the same way, which mostly consists of when I have to walk past him in the mornings, making sure I'm talking to my children so my eyes are focused on them and I don't have to look at him (too shy!), only talking to him when I have to, pretty much ignoring him and avoding eye contact...so I don't get why his behaviour suddenly changed.

All of a sudden, he's laughing and joking with everyone else (literally), and not even saying hello to me, let alone laughing and joking! Now, anytime he sees me approaching the school gate with my children, he'll turn and go into the playground out of sight. Thought I was imagining it, but on the days I've sent the kids in on their own and 've stayed out of sight, he keeps his feet firmly rooted outside the gate and never goes into the playground!

He even ignored me yesterday...went to pick my child up, child came out upset over something so as there was only me and one other mum left in the playground, I though I'd quickly ask the teacher what was wrong with LO; he was looking in my direction as I was walking, yet when I got 6 feet away from him, he suddenly turned and went back into the classroom! The other mum looked at me and then him with a "what the...?" face and I was mortified!

So - sorry for the essay - bad gramma/punctuation is due to me trying to keep this as brief as possible - but I really need to know what's going on.

Why would he act this way; did I get it wrong when I thought he liked me, or could I have inadvertently done something to upset or annoy him, do you think?

bumhead Sat 12-Jan-13 11:53:24

I don't know where the law stands on teacher/parent relationships but surely it's wrong on a few levels for the teacher to start knobbing the parents of his charges?
What if you shagged him and then he started blanking you (as happens sometimes in life)? Or you had a relationship with him and it went sour? You would then have to face him every day until he either left or your child left school.
What about parents evening?
It would be a horrific situation.
And yes you do sound obsessed Op. When I started going out with my DH I wasn't aware of where he was looking or which direction his eyes went every second I was in his company...
Are you single or married?

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 12:01:48

I'm single.

I know it seems that way, but I'm not aware of what he's doing every second, honest smile

It's just when he's blatantly being weird around me, then yes I notice it.

For the record, even if he had of liked me, I wouldn't have done anything 'out of school' until my child left his class; just wanted to find out what his feelings were towards me (which are apparent now you've all explained it) and open the lines of communication a bit, so that when my child was no longer being taught by him, if things were to happen, they could.

However as you've all stated, I obvious just misread the situation.

NaicePig Sat 12-Jan-13 12:03:33

Give the OP a break! I think she was just trying to give us a picture of what makes her think he fancies her. I'd notice all these things. People do. It doesn't take any particular effort. She's not OBSESSED with him, she likes him and is alert to his behaviour.

OP post in Chat next time, people are less... y'know.

FWIW I agree with the theory that he's with someone new, or that someone noticed he was flirting with you and he feels embarrassed and peeved that you were so unresponsive. Any reason why you were so determined to not flirt back if you like him?

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 12:11:16

Thanks, I didn't think I was obsessed...thought it was natural to notice things like that - the assemblies, FWIW; my child was sitting a few seats away from the teacher at the time so I was looking in that general direction; maybe the teacher thought I was looking at him and that's why he kept on glancing over at me, but anyway.

Because I didn't think he was flirting - I thought he might have had an interest, but I assume that a single mother with a couple of children wouldn't be high up on the list of 'ideal qualities' in a mid-30's, childless man's mind.

Plus, you know, self confidence and all; tbh it was just nice thinking he might like me, whether it would've gone anywhere (even if he had liked me), I doubt it - but I was fine with it until he started going all cold and ignorant on me!

Then I became very paranoid and over analytical of his behaviour. This weirdness started about 8 weeks ago and seems to have got progressively worse; then again, I'm even more conscious of being seen to even glance at him so now, at pick up time I stay at the back of the group of parents, look downwards whenever I have to pass him etc., so I'm probably looking more like I am attracted to him now - but was trying to achieve the exact opposite!

I don't even know whether to try and completely blank him unless I have to talk to him about my child (when I had the meeting with my child's teaching assistant the other day; I booked it with her deliberately - usually I'd just ask to see him but I thought speaking to the TA direct might have somehow 'proven' that I'm not trying to be around him).

Oh and the volunteering at the school? I've done that way before he started working there.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 12:29:06

Just treat him the same way you treat the other staff and parents. Why would you blank him? That's just making matters worse.

Crocodilio Sat 12-Jan-13 12:36:54

You said that 'when I like someone (or hate them!) I tend to try and act normal, but get it wrong and end up overemphasising my movements' and 'I have kept acting the same way, which mostly consists of when I have to walk past him in the mornings, making sure I'm talking to my children so my eyes are focused on them and I don't have to look at him (too shy!), only talking to him when I have to, pretty much ignoring him and avoding eye contact'.

Sounds to me like he fancies you and is acting in exactly the same way that you are!

Proudnscary Sat 12-Jan-13 12:37:29

Why would the teacher lose his job for dating a parent? Don't be ridiculous! It's not illegal and it happens - teachers date each other too shock. I do agree it's unwise, though, for a number of reasons.

I agree you need to grow up a wee bit and think about boundaries

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 12:50:41

Well, I disagree with the comment about growing up, because although I know I've put things in a rather childish way, that's just through attempting to be brief and the fact I'm rubbish at putting my thoughts into words. Haven't got the attention span for explainig things properly.

However rest assured; as soon as I hit that school gate I am just a normal mum...albeeit maybe coming across as slightly nervous/ignorant/a combination of the two!

I am actually considering giving up the volunteer work; even though I've been doing it for longer than he's been working there (he only started in the past year), I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to 'get closer' to him (which I'm not, I genuinely love the school and am on a Supporting Teaching and Learning course, so need to volunteer to keep my place on the course!).

What do you mean about boundaries? As I said, even if he had of been interested, I wouldn't have even actively flirted whilst he was teaching my child, I would have just liked to get more 'chatty' (in the same way the other parents are) for the remainder of this year, somehow given him more of an impression I liked him and then if he were interested, hopefully he will have felt able to take things further (outside of school) next year when he was no longer my child's teacher.

But, I now know he wasn't interested after all, so thanks for that smile

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 12:58:59

Sorry forgot to add, Fairenuff - trouble is, I've been 'ignoring' him for ages now, the others teachers I do say hello to sometimes but I can't suddenly start speaking to him, can I?

Surely that would look very strange and possibly make him even more uncomfortable? Or might it ease the pressure a bit?

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 13:09:38

It would ease the pressure. Just say good morning and keep walking. Continue like this even if he ignores you. After a while it will become normal.

Why would you give up the volunteering? Just because some random stranger is now on the same premises? It doesn't make sense. Nothing has happened, so far it's all conjecture. Nothing is going to happen.

It will be awkward for a bit and then it will blow over.

At the school that I work in, it would definately be frowned upon to have a relationship with a parent. Our head prefers us not to be 'friends' with parents on facebook even. It's just good practice.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 13:10:14

For goodness sake don't give up the voluntary work if your course rides on it and you've been doing it longer than he's been there. That'd be plain daft.

Just stick it out. If he's obviously acting unprofessionally towards you, then he'll get called on it by someone. If it gets worse, you may have to call him on it yourself or point it out to someone above him.

Just let him get over himself and behave in an objective, professional manner yourself.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 13:42:20

Ok, I'll try :/ Thanks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 14:17:48

uhoh... I'm dealing with a terribly intense friend at the moment and she's micro-reading everything and anything and applying her own brand of analysis to it. From responses I've had on the thread, I can see that she's not getting an accurate read on the situation.

I think you might be also micro-reading your situation. The sheer level of detail that you've put into all the noticing and each individual 'event' makes me wonder that somebody hasn't nudged the teacher. I think perhaps they have; some men don't notice what seems obvious to many women, that somebody likes them. The man picks up friendliness and returns it, then gets a wake-up call and back-pedals as fast as they can away from even the friendliness that they should really maintain.

I know you say that you would have left it until your child had left the class but, if your posting here is honest - and I think it is, perhaps even missing some 'instances' - you've been very obvious and I think it would have been awkward for the teacher and for your child.

Nothing lost though. Look at how you deal with any other teacher at the school and mirror that behaviour with this one. You won't go wrong then.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:07:13

Can you explain how it's obvious then?

I thought by never making eye contact (pretty much) and all that, it'd be looking more like I was an ignorant cow than anything else!?

I know I'm sounding dumb as anything here, but I just really don't see how it could have been obvious...

I'm wondering who could have filled him in though - in the morning there is only him on the gate, the teaching assistant never really sees how I am with him as she's always in the classroom, and when I had the meeting with her the other day, I kept it very professional and gave no clue of my thoughts (in fact I wasn't thinking anything at that particular time, other than discussing my child).

There is another male teaching assistant that is always very friendly towards me, makes the effort to talk whenever I am in school and always remember things I've told him and asks about them, next time I see him - he was talking to me the other day in front of the Headteacher and was just as friendly/chatty when she was around...and I'm more friendly with him than this other teacher - so if anyone thought I was in school to see 'someone', then surely they'd think it was this TA rather than the teacher?

Although...the first meeting we had was only 2 weeks into the start of term, and that was when he told me lots about where he lives, seemed a bit giggly/flushed/smiley etc (the first time I thought I sensed 'something') - and I was never really 'friendly' after that, in fact thinking back, at the time I wasn't interested in him really, so I think I started the no eye contact from just after that meeting...can't remember for sure though.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 15:11:25

I think it's probably the other way round and he's gone all cold and weird cos either someone took the piss out of him making goo-goo eyes at you or took your lack of eye-contact etc as an affront.

Don't let it bother you! He's taking up too much of your headspace. He needs to get over himself and so do you, and so do I grin.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:13:36

Sorry I forgot to say; I do take your point about the micro-reading, and I admit I'm doing that now, because I'm panicking about coming across as though I like him.

However, the only reason I went into so much detail, was I was really trying to express that you know when you just get a sense someone is interested in you, well it was just kind of like that.

A lot of the time in school (when he first started), I didn't know he was going to be around and I'd be in the hall putting chairs away or whatever, and it would be then that he'd come in and do a double take (I'd naturally look up when someone came in, cos it was a reaallly creaky door), walk over the other side of the room (I was carrying on stacking chairs, but he was in my eye line), faff about seemingly doing nothing (picking up papers then putting them down, straightening a chair...) then walked out again but looked round the room (only me in it) before glancing at me then leaving. He's done that a few times, and this was way back before he starting acting 'awkward'.

I know I've described it in detail, but it really doesn't take a lot of 'effort' to notice doing the things I've said. No one walks around with their eyes shut I assume, and I could tell you in detail things other people have done as well; I'm just a 'noticer'; lol - however I never stare, yes I glance at him (or used to) once or twice during say, and hour-long assembly, but surely that couldn't be considered weird when he was looking in my general direction every minute or so? :/

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:15:31

dequ....oh I can't spell that ;)

Thanks, I get what you mean (and everyone else) about the headspace; lately I'm dreading having to face him at the school gates and after school, which is silly because the school (and even this teacher) has been amazing for one of my children in particular, so I'll take the advice everyone has offered of just trying to treat him normally and if he continues to take that as a signal I like him, then it's his problem I suppose.

Maryz Sat 12-Jan-13 15:15:46

[baffled]

Here's a suggestion.

Treat him like your child's teacher. When you meet him, say hello. If you have a question to do with your child, ask it.

That's it.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:21:44

I'm kind of baffled too tbh...wondering why apparently no one has ever had a 'crush' on someone - I'm 30, not about to start acting old before my time and 'wooing' someone or whatever older people might call it.

I'd rather still be a bit childlike and FUN than stuffy and uptight...

And that's not a slight on anyone in particular, but god I like a person who happens to be muy child's teacher, you can't help who you're attracted to and yes - when I thought I picked up signs that he might like me, I started to be attracted to him too (previous to that I just thought he was a nice person).

Anyway, I'll shut up now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 15:29:10

uhoh... You walked past his classroom TEN times in one day to go and wash your hands cleaning out a dusty storeroom. Why? They just got dusty again, no? Why not clean the storeroom and then go and have a good wash?

You did make it obvious. I don't know if there were children in the class or whatever but, children pick up like lightening, the slightest thing whether accurate or not. If there was another adult in the room, they would have wondered what you were doing - and if he was on his own, HE would wonder what you were doing. That was bizarre behaviour.

You might not realise that you're behaving in an obvious manner but you are - otherwise this teacher wouldn't change his behaviour towards you. I think you're making him feel uncomfortable.

Instead of doing the 'downcast eyes' things, treat him like you treat everybody else - no more, no less.

Just a question, but do you like a little 'filip' to your day sometimes? Nothing wrong with that, but see it for what it is and don't overreact because your child's relationship with this teacher is important and it wouldn't take much for it to develop into 'awkward'. Don't let it do that.

tigerKesha Sat 12-Jan-13 15:35:46

Obviously he is just not that into you & you are making thing awkward by spending all your time over analysing every minute you spend near the teacher. Think of how embarrassed DC would be to know his mum was obsessing over his teacher. You need to find another hobby

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:38:07

A little what now?

No, not just to wash my hands, and it probably wasn't 10 times...but I wasn't going to sit there with green moudly stuff off the garage door on my hands - afew times I had to go to the toilet (I WAS there for 5 hours!), once to find the caretaker to get a dustpan and went out again to tput ot back by the storeroom door (as I'd been told to do before 11am).

I never looked IN the classroom, the children are 4 years old so I doubt they'd notice anything and I wasn't deliberately going out to walk past the classroom, it's just that the school only small and you have to pass his class to get to the main entrance (only way out), office, toilets...there were no other way of getting where I needed to go.

I meant that I passed him in the corridor quite a few times; because he was in and out of the class a lot and it was when I was on my way places, that he was on his way somewhere too. Just worded it badly.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 15:44:09

But it's things like this too:

He could at least stay at the school gate, so I could walk my children down rather than having to leave them at the top of the driveway!

What difference does it make where he stands? Why couldn't you take your children into school. I don't understand that.

uhohwhathaveidone Sat 12-Jan-13 15:49:19

Because it's embarrassing that he waits until I'm about 6-8 feet away (or almost at the gate, anyway), looks straight at me and then suddenly turns and walks off into the playground - then I turn round after dropping them off and he ALWAYS come straight back out...only reason I know he's done that (I don't look back) is because he suddenly starts laughing loudly with one of the other parents (there's one guy that always stands there talking to him) - maybe they're laughing AT me, I don't know; but either way, I'd rather avoid it altogether and just send my children down on their own.

Plus, my youngest always something that they need to tell the teacher; whether it's leaving their water bottle in school or something like that, I used to just let the teacher know myself because my child's memory isn't great but now I feel like I can't do that, so I have to get LO to tell the teacher herself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 15:49:58

filip = something to stimulate, excite or energise your confidence. It's a very old word, I think. grin

Ok, not 10 times, but that's what you said. Maybe you are just becoming over-aware of what you're doing and that's making you look awkward and obvious?

If you can put him out of your head as just one of the teachers, you'll act normally around him and that will be the problem solved. Just down do the 'downcast' Prince Di eyes thing, it really does look odd... it did even when she did it.

I'd suggest being 'in a rush' when you pick up or drop off your children. Bright and breezy and nonchalent, nothing to pick up in your behaviour there. Behave as if he's of no more consequence than any other at the school.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now