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ex is a twat

(35 Posts)
Lovingfreedom Fri 11-Jan-13 23:30:05

apologies in advance. I'm going to rant. my ex us a twat as anyone who has read my threads and comments will know. this week I sent him a suggested timetable for alternate weekends as we usually do. I offered him this weekend then we alternate but said I could do this weekend if he preferred. he got back to me agreeing the Rota but saying yes, he would be very grateful if I have the kids this weekend. no problem for me. tonight at after 11 he has emailed saying he wants the kids this weekend after all and sorry for messing us about. now put this in the context of me having received we several emails telling me what a bad mother I am and various threats and lessons in behaviour this week, including about sending messages date after 11pm to inquire after a missing violin which he brings over every week but this week chose not to...perhaps because I needed a lesson for not agreeing to doing exactly what he wanted when he wanted. I said ' I'm surprise you didn't bring the violin. DR practices every day and needs it fir orchestra'. that is patronising and insulting apparently whereas his various threats, personal remarks and insults are acceptable.
please tell me this is a dream and I never married that twat. it's a million times better since he left but I still find dealing with him exhausting.
any grammar fascists out there...Sorry about the lack of capitals. I just can't be arsed. wine

ninja Tue 22-Jan-13 23:16:54

The mediators that we go to don't do Shuttle Mediation and we really shouldn't need it.

You're right, I've got to learn to be strong about sticking to the plan and saying 'No' to him.

I've already agreed to the skiing trip way in the past - didn't feel I had much choice. I'm going to make a similar request for next year, which he will say no to I'm sure, but then at least he can't be angry if I say no to him!

NicknameTaken Fri 18-Jan-13 10:02:01

It might be worth asking for shuttle mediation, ie. you don't have to be in the same room. You're in separate rooms, and the mediator goes backwards and forwards.

I also agree with Loving that you've got to let go of the idea that if you behave reasonably, he'll do the same in the return. I struggle a lot with this, because I want to be a person of integrity who acts in the best interests of my child, and I won't let him force me to be somebody I'm not.

But it would be absolutely fine to say eg. yes to the skiing trip, but only on condtion that you see them at the weekend. Worst case scenario, he might refuse and blame to you to dcs, but it would still establish an important boundary and he might think twice about trying to run roughshod over you next time.

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 15:18:27

ninja while you are working around plans, he is doing whatever he likes. He is taking the piss and you are not being petty.

Try to stop worrying about what he wants/insists on/demands etc. He's selfish - he'll look after his own interests. Time to put yourself/your kids first.

I'd stop fannying about with a mediator who does not stand up to him and consult your solicitor about getting a court order for contact. There is no way children of that age should be with their mother only 3 out of 20 days.

ninja Thu 17-Jan-13 14:57:23

Yes - I agree, sadly we really need to work around the plans that we have in place and that involves a whole weeks skiing for him with the kids and a day out for me with DD1 which I arranged as a Christmas present. He was on the verge of saying that I couldn't have the day out except it ended up on my weekend.

I'm tempted to say he can't go skiing with them - that, however, would be petty

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 14:47:45

Ninja I have replied on your own thread too. I don't think that mediation is working for you. You are agreeing to everything and he is agreeing to nothing. The mediator is 'almost begging' him. It sounds horrendous.

He got his own way and then apologised for being grumpy - so what? What is that apology worth? Sorry but absolutely Jack Shit.

If he's proposing things on your allotted days say no. You will not get anywhere with this kind of bully by being reasonable and expecting him to be reasonable back. Start digging your own heels in.

ninja Thu 17-Jan-13 13:54:43

We had our second mediation today. Ex was quite reasonable in the first, but was at his worst tioday sad

Shouting at me and the mediators, lying, failing to remember details that both the mediators and I remembered agreeing. He was rude and difficult.

I can't say I was perfect as a couple of times I got a bit angry as my wishes, requests and suggestions were being ignored.

We got nothing agreed as he just harked on about the past and failed to understand what was being suggested for the future.

The ridiculous thing is that it's ME who should be angry and narked as we're now going to have to have NO flexibility and he's already had his holidays, arranged to take the kids away to break the pattern and had his extra days and he won't agree to the same for me.

He's proposing taking them to Ireland one weekend, the next weekend he's taking them skiing for 8 nights arriving back on the Saturday and he won't let me see them that weekend as in the pattern it's his, even though he's taken them for the whole of mine the week before. This would mean I would have 11 days without seeing the kids, and in the space of 20 days I would have just seen them for 3 sad because HE'S taking them away. He won't even allow me ONE extra day in all of that, and he said that with joy in the sessions as he knows that the mediators can't force him to agree to anything sad. You could see the mediation almost begging him.

I don't know what I can do about it.

I guess I just have to take the short term loss to make things better in the long term.

He was also angry that I'd done some preparation for the session as that put him at disadvantage.

He did admit at the end of the session that he'd been a bit grumpy in it as he'd worked a night shift the night before. Why would you plan to do that before such an important meeting (and since he doesn't have a contract it is his choice)

Sorry for ranting on, in the scale of things I have a lot fewer problems than many.

Lovingfreedom Wed 16-Jan-13 13:30:39

...another day, another irritation...today he turns up at my door. Apparently he's really depressed and to prove it started crying. I told him he needed to tell someone who gives a fuck speak to his doctor. The old 'poor me' routine...blimey...does he seriously think I'm going to fall for that?

Lovingfreedom Tue 15-Jan-13 16:32:38

Oh yes ninja I'm not looking for anything off mine...not money or anything. It's just so boring and frustrating the way he keeps trying it on. Maybe if 50:50 is written in divorce papers he'll Fuck off. Somehow I doubt it. Agree with you re these guys not being full on abusers....but they are annoying and actually quite unhealthy for kids as well as us. One day EX will stamp his feet about what time he's getting the kids....next he's texting from a mountain sayng he's hours delayed and can I keep hold of them. Or asking me to take them extra days cos hes going to a party.. etc..

ninja Tue 15-Jan-13 16:15:05

Lovingfreedon he must be a relative of mine!

I think mine is desperate to keep the 50-50 because of money, he wasn't bothered when he lived here, not bothered to the same extent (well he was for nights, but not meals!) last year, but this year it's a nightmare. Thing is I don't want his money.

He's also not working as he choose to take voluntary redundancy so he has far too much time on his hands to write me abusive e-mails.

The thing is there are worse more abusive men - but it's these twats who think they're owned the world that are so annoying ....

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 16:07:47

I finally managed to go down the No Contact, Not Ever route, when the DCs were young teens. And there's nothing the twat can do about it, unless he wants another visit from the police.

Life is much better now.

NickName my Ex pulled a stunt like that (pretending I was blocking contact he didn't even want to have) precisely to force into court I think. I represented myself - bloody stressful but I didn't let him see that. I didn't make eye contact with him, I didn't even wait in the same building as him.

Lovingfreedom Tue 15-Jan-13 15:35:55

too special to do anything unworthy of his talents....so familiar

NicknameTaken Tue 15-Jan-13 15:10:26

Is it awful to say that I burst out into (appalled) laughter at baby Jesus burning someone's house down and at pregnancy being self-inflicted?

Teapot, your ex sounds particularly creepy, I have to say.

I have one of these specimens. He was getting access over and above what was in the court order, stopped it voluntarily, then took me to court alleging I was blocking contact. £12,000 in legal fees for me, nothing for him because he can't hold down a job as he's too Special to do anything unworthy of his talents.

Lovingfreedom Tue 15-Jan-13 14:18:33

latest is DD wants to spend all weekdays at my house while she is studying for exams. ex has agreed but is ' suggesting' that as he will be seeing less of DD he should have an extra day and a half a week with DS to make up. So, because my DD has exams her brother doesn't get to spend usual time with his mum? this is a bizarre form of child bartering system he's suggesting. Not about the children's best interests but about him. What he is worried about us losing the 50:50 arrangement and therefore child tax credit or some benefit or other. I don't think you can aggregate the children though can you? Lol. I know thus cos he's trying to force me to file for divorce on a 50:50 basis but actually DD if asked will likely want more time at the one house. she is 15. old enough to choose.

Lovingfreedom Mon 14-Jan-13 11:05:15

So many dickheads... they all love to be the centre of attention don't they?
Mine keeps sending really long emails about what he thinks I should do re kids bedtimes, buying them presents, sleepovers, friends, my DD's love-life, my own love-life, housekeeping, working arrangements..you name it. I ignore them but it doesn't seem to stop him having an opinion and getting shirty firstly about aspects of my life that have fuck all to do with him and second, when I don't address all his (totally irrelevant) points and start jumping to it! lol.

The selfish part of me can't wait until he finds a new victim girlfriend to take the heat off me (and my DD actually too - she gets a lot of it these days). He keeps going out and away on romantic trips with different women...but they don't seem to stick with him....But...yeah...womankind, it's only a fantasy of mine, I'd never recommend him as a partner or wish him on any of you.

TeapotofDoom Sat 12-Jan-13 20:08:22

natsmum the school have offered to send reports direct, but last year he scared the (female) Head so much with his creepy emails - she ended up contacting the police, as well! This year, I sent scans again to save her being stressed out by it. Photos not her job, anyway. I think I will see if the court has a way of helping.

I had to cancel a really inportant event at work to look after a poorly DD last month as he was 'working'.

He'd asked me to drive him to football when I picked up DD the day before as they were going out for a curry that night so I was suspicious.

Unfortunately for him the doctors is across the road from his and it was a VERY frosty day - clearly he wasn't out and hadn't been out and was just in bed with a hangover and couldn't be bothered to look after her.

The annoying thing is in the summer he'd fought to have set days that we were each responsible for the kids and this was his day!

When I did take her round later in the day he called me 'the most ungrateful person in the world' for not saying 'thankyou' for having her in the afternoon!

redtulip68 Sat 12-Jan-13 10:47:46

One thing that I really enjoyed last month - I'm being ironic here buy the way, was when he cancelled with no notice saying how ill he was only for his photograph to be on facebook with OW at Christmas 'dos'. Obviously he was extremely ill but some how managed to pull himself through to en joy a curry and a pint.

At leastIall know where my DC really stand - although obviously he isnt aware that I know of the photographswink

struwelpeter Sat 12-Jan-13 10:12:07

There is a place in a galaxy far away reserved for these twunts. It is called planet fuckoff and the next planet is called then fuckoff some more grin. There used to be a lovely MNer who functioned as travel agent and sold tickets ...
I had mine screaming about his "rights" yesterday. It's taken a very long time, but I stare at the wall and do a mini meditation. All that can be hoped for is that somehow you find the tools that allow you to cope and that the DCs develop their own intuition about the situation. Once they have morphed into Mr Unreasonable there really is very little hope for change sad

Letsmakecookies Sat 12-Jan-13 09:25:58

I agree with the broken promises to DC. Mine promises visits and then backs down from them, it doesn't matter how many times I have begged him to leave the children unaware of the plans. He won't listen. But seeing their faces (5 and 3) when he doesn't turn up on e.g. their birthday (or send a card even)... and he still think he is wonder-dad shock.

Letsmakecookies Sat 12-Jan-13 09:23:10

I have one of these. He is currently on a major strop because he wants contact with the children, but only at his convenience (i.e. really he wants an excuse to see them a few times a year, but enjoys complaining about me 'stopping' him seeing them so he doesn't have to feel guilt), he won't organise contact at all (last time his dad called me to plan it) or take time off work (e.g. half terms/holidays), or answer any questions about timing so that I can possibly have a life outside children. He won't skype because I told him he needs to give me notice when he wants to do that, and not just dial up ad hoc (oc needs to be on for a start). Entitled twunt. When he first left I had to fly to a family funeral and he turned up 4 hours later than he planned and told me, to pick up the children. Luckily I had an inkling that might happen and planned for it, but he didn't know that.

But those ups and downs in moods. They are a killer. I lived with that for so long, it is hard not to react. Going from emails telling me how wonderful a mother I am and that he is still faithful and he wants to skype me?!, to slagging me off to the children and refusing to answer simple questions. Perhaps ex's go through some sort of emotional breakdown once they leave the family home?

redtulip68 Sat 12-Jan-13 09:18:30

Unfortunately for all of us in this situation the person we once loved has turned into some form of pitiful monster who beleives they have more rights than they don.

The main aspect of all of this is they want control over everything you say, think and do....they still want to be the main topic of conversation.

I am in the same situation whereby my STBXH calls at any time of a evening between 4 and 9pm and if we arent home wants to know where I have taken his children, cancels contact visits at the last moment or simply doesnt turn up at all and refuses to pay anything towards the up keep of our DC.

BELLS is right in describing them as cowards and bullies because that is exactly what they are.

I think one of the worst things they will ever do is make promises to the DC and NEVER attempt to meet the DC expectations. My STBXH left nearly 11 months ago and I organised everything concerning contact...initially I even paid for him to take the children places, what a fool I was but I thought that seeing him was the best way forward. Nevermind we all have to learn the hard way hmm

lovingfreedom he is a prize dick and just like you I can't believe I ever had kids with him hmm when I was pregnant with dd2 he said that pregnancy wasn't an illness (agreed) but that it was self inflicted like a hangover and that if I didn't give him sympathy for a hangover (he got to lie in every Saturday, often until midday) he wouldn't give me any sympathy for being tired while pregnant hmm

He sees a lot more of the kids now that we're separated. When he lived here he go straight out to footy after work 3 nights a week and sometimes at the weekend and often not get back until after midnight, he'd always lie in on Saturday mornings and only got up on Sundays because I went to the gym at 10.

Suddenly though he's fighting to spend time with them.

He's tried to sabotage holidays that I've asked to take them on, denies conversations. Generally argues with everything. He expects me to answer him starlight away and will just shout at me in front of the kids if I ask to email him later, but yes insists on emails from me ( then doesn't answer them)

He's a bully and a coward.

Sadly, I don't know how to get to the stage where it doesn't bother me, because it does affect me and my time with the kids sad

natsmum100 Sat 12-Jan-13 07:50:40

Teapot could the school not send him copies of reports and photographs ?

Dryjuice25 Sat 12-Jan-13 01:23:21

Rant away op.

My ex lives 5 minutes and I've just discovered he has just dumped his household rubbish in my bin! Why? Because he couldn't be bothered to sort it out for recycling! WTF! The idiot. So its ok if I get fined by the council because now its my rubbish?!! What a liberty.

And now I am the "werdo" for complaining about trivia!

You have my sympathy.

TeapotofDoom Sat 12-Jan-13 00:47:46

Well, he'll have the shock of his life when he's arrested, I'd imagine. Would love to be a fly on the wall. I'm giving a statement this weekend and they think they will pull him in pretty soon after. I took in a sample half dozen or so of the emails, printed out, and the police said "The start of this file has more in it than some we have got convictions on" - and I think the emails now total well over 300.

I think they will do some sort of order to prevent him contacting me, then he can be banged up, if he does. Annoyingly, the courts ordered I have to send him school reports and photos, and so I gave him the email address years ago - as I realised if I sent by mail (even recorded or registered) he'd deny receiving them. If I emailed him photos and scanned reports he couldn't then pretend he didn't have them.

That worked for a few years but this year, he started claiming I hadn't complied. I am hoping maybe the police can help me sort out with the Family Courts some mechanism so I don't have to send direct.

They have seen some of the weird notes he has scrawled the kids, and think the time has come to also shoot for closing down even the indirect contact. I have no idea if that will happen.

He also started sending bizarre letters to my neighbours (he lives 200 miles away). Jesus wants him for one of his little soldiers, apparently, 'god' has sent him to 'avenge the fathers'. He was done a few years back for harassment but got off on a technicality (or two). I think they are hoping to do him under a different law, this time.

Unfortunately, a court ordered me to send him this stuff, so I can't just not do it. When i asked his vicar to receive the reports and photos and pass them on, he told me to get stuffed. (Well, not that rudely but that was the gist).

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