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ex is a twat

(35 Posts)
Lovingfreedom Fri 11-Jan-13 23:30:05

apologies in advance. I'm going to rant. my ex us a twat as anyone who has read my threads and comments will know. this week I sent him a suggested timetable for alternate weekends as we usually do. I offered him this weekend then we alternate but said I could do this weekend if he preferred. he got back to me agreeing the Rota but saying yes, he would be very grateful if I have the kids this weekend. no problem for me. tonight at after 11 he has emailed saying he wants the kids this weekend after all and sorry for messing us about. now put this in the context of me having received we several emails telling me what a bad mother I am and various threats and lessons in behaviour this week, including about sending messages date after 11pm to inquire after a missing violin which he brings over every week but this week chose not to...perhaps because I needed a lesson for not agreeing to doing exactly what he wanted when he wanted. I said ' I'm surprise you didn't bring the violin. DR practices every day and needs it fir orchestra'. that is patronising and insulting apparently whereas his various threats, personal remarks and insults are acceptable.
please tell me this is a dream and I never married that twat. it's a million times better since he left but I still find dealing with him exhausting.
any grammar fascists out there...Sorry about the lack of capitals. I just can't be arsed. wine

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 16:07:47

I finally managed to go down the No Contact, Not Ever route, when the DCs were young teens. And there's nothing the twat can do about it, unless he wants another visit from the police.

Life is much better now.

NickName my Ex pulled a stunt like that (pretending I was blocking contact he didn't even want to have) precisely to force into court I think. I represented myself - bloody stressful but I didn't let him see that. I didn't make eye contact with him, I didn't even wait in the same building as him.

ninja Tue 15-Jan-13 16:15:05

Lovingfreedon he must be a relative of mine!

I think mine is desperate to keep the 50-50 because of money, he wasn't bothered when he lived here, not bothered to the same extent (well he was for nights, but not meals!) last year, but this year it's a nightmare. Thing is I don't want his money.

He's also not working as he choose to take voluntary redundancy so he has far too much time on his hands to write me abusive e-mails.

The thing is there are worse more abusive men - but it's these twats who think they're owned the world that are so annoying ....

Lovingfreedom Tue 15-Jan-13 16:32:38

Oh yes ninja I'm not looking for anything off mine...not money or anything. It's just so boring and frustrating the way he keeps trying it on. Maybe if 50:50 is written in divorce papers he'll Fuck off. Somehow I doubt it. Agree with you re these guys not being full on abusers....but they are annoying and actually quite unhealthy for kids as well as us. One day EX will stamp his feet about what time he's getting the kids....next he's texting from a mountain sayng he's hours delayed and can I keep hold of them. Or asking me to take them extra days cos hes going to a party.. etc..

Lovingfreedom Wed 16-Jan-13 13:30:39

...another day, another irritation...today he turns up at my door. Apparently he's really depressed and to prove it started crying. I told him he needed to tell someone who gives a fuck speak to his doctor. The old 'poor me' routine...blimey...does he seriously think I'm going to fall for that?

ninja Thu 17-Jan-13 13:54:43

We had our second mediation today. Ex was quite reasonable in the first, but was at his worst tioday sad

Shouting at me and the mediators, lying, failing to remember details that both the mediators and I remembered agreeing. He was rude and difficult.

I can't say I was perfect as a couple of times I got a bit angry as my wishes, requests and suggestions were being ignored.

We got nothing agreed as he just harked on about the past and failed to understand what was being suggested for the future.

The ridiculous thing is that it's ME who should be angry and narked as we're now going to have to have NO flexibility and he's already had his holidays, arranged to take the kids away to break the pattern and had his extra days and he won't agree to the same for me.

He's proposing taking them to Ireland one weekend, the next weekend he's taking them skiing for 8 nights arriving back on the Saturday and he won't let me see them that weekend as in the pattern it's his, even though he's taken them for the whole of mine the week before. This would mean I would have 11 days without seeing the kids, and in the space of 20 days I would have just seen them for 3 sad because HE'S taking them away. He won't even allow me ONE extra day in all of that, and he said that with joy in the sessions as he knows that the mediators can't force him to agree to anything sad. You could see the mediation almost begging him.

I don't know what I can do about it.

I guess I just have to take the short term loss to make things better in the long term.

He was also angry that I'd done some preparation for the session as that put him at disadvantage.

He did admit at the end of the session that he'd been a bit grumpy in it as he'd worked a night shift the night before. Why would you plan to do that before such an important meeting (and since he doesn't have a contract it is his choice)

Sorry for ranting on, in the scale of things I have a lot fewer problems than many.

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 14:47:45

Ninja I have replied on your own thread too. I don't think that mediation is working for you. You are agreeing to everything and he is agreeing to nothing. The mediator is 'almost begging' him. It sounds horrendous.

He got his own way and then apologised for being grumpy - so what? What is that apology worth? Sorry but absolutely Jack Shit.

If he's proposing things on your allotted days say no. You will not get anywhere with this kind of bully by being reasonable and expecting him to be reasonable back. Start digging your own heels in.

ninja Thu 17-Jan-13 14:57:23

Yes - I agree, sadly we really need to work around the plans that we have in place and that involves a whole weeks skiing for him with the kids and a day out for me with DD1 which I arranged as a Christmas present. He was on the verge of saying that I couldn't have the day out except it ended up on my weekend.

I'm tempted to say he can't go skiing with them - that, however, would be petty

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 15:18:27

ninja while you are working around plans, he is doing whatever he likes. He is taking the piss and you are not being petty.

Try to stop worrying about what he wants/insists on/demands etc. He's selfish - he'll look after his own interests. Time to put yourself/your kids first.

I'd stop fannying about with a mediator who does not stand up to him and consult your solicitor about getting a court order for contact. There is no way children of that age should be with their mother only 3 out of 20 days.

NicknameTaken Fri 18-Jan-13 10:02:01

It might be worth asking for shuttle mediation, ie. you don't have to be in the same room. You're in separate rooms, and the mediator goes backwards and forwards.

I also agree with Loving that you've got to let go of the idea that if you behave reasonably, he'll do the same in the return. I struggle a lot with this, because I want to be a person of integrity who acts in the best interests of my child, and I won't let him force me to be somebody I'm not.

But it would be absolutely fine to say eg. yes to the skiing trip, but only on condtion that you see them at the weekend. Worst case scenario, he might refuse and blame to you to dcs, but it would still establish an important boundary and he might think twice about trying to run roughshod over you next time.

ninja Tue 22-Jan-13 23:16:54

The mediators that we go to don't do Shuttle Mediation and we really shouldn't need it.

You're right, I've got to learn to be strong about sticking to the plan and saying 'No' to him.

I've already agreed to the skiing trip way in the past - didn't feel I had much choice. I'm going to make a similar request for next year, which he will say no to I'm sure, but then at least he can't be angry if I say no to him!

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