Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Odd situation and need some advice

(116 Posts)
MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:27:07

Married 10 years, we have a child aged 7. I have older children who spend the week between our house and their dad's. it's a long standing arrangement that works great.
Our relationship has always been strong - the very best I could hope for. We have fun, great sex, a lot of banter and laughter and he is wonderful with all the DCs.
He is stressed lately because of changes in his work force - there is a possibility he may lose his job (through no fault of his). We both work fulltime. This has been dragging on since summer with no conclusion.
Understandably he's been snappy and worried at times but just before Xmas he turned on me - over a wisecrack comment I made, can't remember what! - and he screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt.
Since then, he has been perfectly civil to me but has neither touched me, kissed me or properly spoken to me. He has really withdrawn.
Today he made an odd comment that he has to teach the DCs' manners because they wouldn't get any with me. I work with children for a living and am known for my high expectations!
I am now getting to the end of my tether. He is honestly a lovely man but I can't do this for much longer.
Advice please.

AloeSailor Fri 11-Jan-13 18:28:15

He's being abusive.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 18:31:06

Affair?

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:32:58

Def not an affair.
Yes he is being abusive. He's really not like this usually. I think it's stress about his job. I understand it but don't want to have it aimed at me!

AloeSailor Fri 11-Jan-13 18:36:04

You don't need to put up with this.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Fri 11-Jan-13 18:38:35

It sounds like stress. Is he lashing out at you because you're all he's got?

I imagine he's acutely embarrassed about his behavior and possibly unable to find a way to open up and apologies.

The DC's won't learn much in the way of manners from someone who thinks it's ok to call a loved on a " fucking c*nt" though, eh? hmm

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:39:48

I know I don't. But I don't even know how to broach it with him.
A few nights ago I asked if he was ok - he said he was fine, he was happy, 'there's nothing wrong with me'. When I said 'what about us? Are we ok?' he just laughed. Then didn't engage further.
How can I talk to him if he won't talk?

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:41:41

Totally agree with you, Bin.
Thank The Lord the DCs weren't in the house.

But what do I do?

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Fri 11-Jan-13 18:50:51

I don't think you can let him close down on the conversation.

Did he apologise for the comment?

Could that be a way of opening the communication?

I'm still hurt by what you said at Christmas, I'm sorry if my comment upset you but I didn't deserve to be called bleep, and I think you owe me an apology for that. Something is obviously troubling you because since xxxx you haven't kissed me or touched me. I am happy to listen if you want to offload, I'm your partner and here for you if you need me. However I can't continue in this if you are going to be distant and cold....?

Hard to argue with facts and dates.

Hope you can sort it out.

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:52:41

God, so do I.
Thank you Bin, that's a good way in.
This is killing me.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 19:31:06

I'm always staggered when someone says 'definitely not' to an affair suggestion.

Unless you spend 100% of the time with someone (and you clearly don't) how can you be that definite?

Especially when it's one of the main causes of suddenly strange behaviour at home.

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 19:35:01

Maybe I'm being naive, Badinage. But I really would be surprised.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Jan-13 19:48:09

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Now if he was before all this and suddenly isn't (particularly with the lack of affection) then I would be very suspicious of an affair.

I felt I was going mad when my ex was having an affair because he was home every night at the normal time and didn't spend any extra time out of the house. It was someone from work who couldn't go out in the evenings either.

Think about it. It's common for people to become nasty when they start an affair - they know they're in the wrong and have to justify their actions to themselves.

Having said that, whether he is or isn't, I couldn't live with someone who treated me like that. And laughing when you ask whether you are both getting on together! That is just plain nasty.

balia Fri 11-Jan-13 20:07:34

Agree with Bin, keep it really factual, calm, specific. Don't be deflected by attempts at humour or insinuations that you are mad/nagging/making a fuss about nothing.

Maybe he shocked and scared himself and doesn't know how to deal with it?

And - sorry to be blunt - are you still sleeping together?

Ragwort Fri 11-Jan-13 20:11:15

Mushroom - 'But I really would be surprised', so would many of us who have found out our DHs were having affairs sad

FaresPlease Fri 11-Jan-13 21:13:16

Could he be suffering from depression? While the condition is horrible for the sufferer, it can also be horrible for all those close to him or her. Behaviour can be awful, grumpy, snappy, hurtful, unreasonable. Could u suggest a trip to the doctor? Sometimes people get low. They need support from those who love them, not kicked onto the street, as some r quick to suggest.

Sorry u r having a hard time OP. So tricky to deal with a change in someones behaviour when u don't even know what's wrong. Obviously don't put up with it ad infinitum, but you clearly love him ( though its hard to feel it at times like this) so give him the benefit of the doubt in
the mean time. And obviously if things don't look like improving any time soon, tell him it's become intolerable for u. Hope u get to the bottom if it.

harrap Fri 11-Jan-13 21:39:09

My first thought was depression too.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 21:42:28

This doesn't sound at all like depression to me.

It sounds like stress.

Entirely different things.

Bubblegum78 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:47:05

OP, he called you a cunt... that's hardcore! <shocked face>

I wouldn't pussy foot around, sit him down when the kids are not around and tell him you understand that he is upset and frustrated but you have had enough of his nastiness and what the bloody hell does he think he is playing at calling you names and making nasty remarks about you in front of the kids??

He may well be depressed by IMO there are lines that you do NOT cross and he long jumped over it!

No offense love, but stop worrying about his feelings, take the bull by the horns and deal with that man!

Girl power! Grrrrrrrrr! <game face>

P.s
My friends hubby had an affair, it was the last thing she expected, totally blindsided her, it happens when you least expect it.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 11-Jan-13 21:47:50

I do really hope it's not OW and don't want to jump on the bandwagon, but I would never ever have thought that my XH would have had an emotional affair but he did.

Everybody that knew him was complete gob smacked as he was the responsible quiet shy doting family man....

Aside from that, obviously he shouldn't be speaking to you like that and he does need to talk to you about it.

Bubblegum78 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:49:02

I just ran this past hubby and he said one word...

Affair.

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 23:30:26

I'm more worried than I was before :-(

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 23:41:34

Any other signs?

The one that always seems to get mentioned is changed phone behaviour e.g. passwords, on silent and taken everywhere.

MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 23:45:04

Absolutely nothing.

mumvswild Fri 11-Jan-13 23:52:35

You know the drill Mushroom, check the phone and email. If there's nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem. you deserve to know the truth. Good luck. I think it's stress too.l

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now