Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

AbigailAdams Mon 04-Feb-13 22:43:52

Yes it is a lie. Don't listen to his words look at his actions. He abandoned you in a foreign country when you had no job, you were pregnant and has expected you to cope for the last 6 months without any support from him. He has not shown any remorse.

His sense of entitlement is astounding. "my intention is get with you". Where do you figure in this? When have you ever figured tbh? He is incredibly selfish. I can't imagine that someone showing this amount of selfishness suddenly changed over night. I would be thinking about his actions even before you went to Malaysia and remembering what he was really like, not through rose-tinted spectacles. I suspect his selfish traits were manifesting themselves then and throughout your relationship. He certain,y gets his sense of entitlement from his parents.

I would imagine if you got back with him you would be wrecked again 12 months down the line. As would your children. What you and the children want and need he just will not provide.

Mimishimi Mon 04-Feb-13 23:47:59

Did he seem remorseful OP? Did he apologise and ask you to forgive him? Or did he just seem to assume that you will take him back and not seem to be too fazed by what he has done? If it's the last, please be very wary. I am aware that people can make mistakes ( I made one though it was before engagement/ marriage, not on this scale and not for this long) , that they can be genuinely sorry and not make them again. I would be pretty hypocritical for me to warn you off him for the mistake but if he blames the other woman entirely, makes excuses for putting off the things which he knows have to be done , does not seem genuinely ashamed of himself - I'd be very, very careful and try to take it all with a grain of salt. He has to prove himself, you don't owe him anything.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 00:18:44

Oh you poor thing, I am in a similar boat though not living abroad anymore yet the whole thing has caught up with me. I have 3 very small kids with my H who is nothing but a lying, cheating, integrity-less bastard, a control freak and word-twister, a finger-pointer and dick head who uses his cock as a moral compass.

Sorry for the rude words, but having pent a lot of time in SE Asia and seen those girls and men together, I completely understand how you are feeling and I am sorry for you.

It is okay to mourn the life you dreamt of but trust me you ad a lucky escape. He would have shown his face at some point. Yes you have 2 beautiful children now who depend on you but they will also be yor biggest strength. You are still young now and new doors will open up for you.

Mimishimi has written a very good post. Please do not blame the 'ho' becazse though they are a money grabbing bunch and expat keen, HE fell for it.

My twat of an H is like that too. I thought the girls were jut a bit too keen, but no, my H just made his come hither eyes and he engaged in all this when he knew I was sitting at home pregnant or with the babies.

I am wishing you much strength. I will follow your post.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 10-Feb-13 03:17:40

Well he has gone and finished it with her. She should be leaving today. I know he is telling the truth. What do I do now? It's what I wanted but he is hardly full of remorse. I have told him we will have to work through a lot of negative stuff to get to where we want to be and he obviously agreed. Part of me is overjoyed, part is as confused as f...k and part of me is thinking what the hell am I doing ? It's like I almost have had to win him back -I know I was really unhappy in Malaysia and I am obviously partly to blame for our marriage breakdown - but shouldn't it be the other way around? Our marriage breakdown doesn't excuse what he has done. Shouldn't he be the one making the effort to win me back? He also is still concerned about her - is sorting out somewhere for her to go as he doesn't want to see her on the street. Surely that's where she came from (the gutter)? He said she is cut up - what about my hurt who cared about that - not him or her! I hope she is devasted ( probably an act to secure funds) at least then what goes around comes around. Maybe she will think twice about going for a married man with a pregnant wife ( probably just married will be enough) ! Nothing excuses what he has done. I just have to see whether he, in time is capable of facing his flaws and facing my hurt ( as I think he is in denial about the amount of damage he has done to me). I am still waiting for my true SORRY. At least when he was messing me around emotionally before i know that some of his feelings where genuine that he had some doubts ( it wasn't just him just certain he was staying with her as he has now acted and finished with her). All I can do is take it one step at a time. Maybe when he is in the uk he will remember that it is unacceptable to treat a woman so badly - just because everyone can lie and cheat, have affairs and treat women like dirt in Malaysia DOES NOT MAKE IT ACCEPTABLE! Please am I mad for wanting to get my husband back even though I now know what he is capable of ?

scaevola Sun 10-Feb-13 05:24:48

No, you are not mad.

There are MN posters who decided to attempt to mend their marriages, and it's a damned brave choice, a hard choice and an uncertain thing.

You might each have been 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, but he's 100% responsible for the affair and has to do the lion's share of healing that, and that tends to need to come first, so you can gain the strength and equilibrium to look at improving the marriage in the round. If you think he is still in denial (normal, but impossible to make progress from if he sticks there), then you need to decide how much time you give him to make progress in examining himself, facing his own flaws and mending them. It's an uneasy phase - you each need to work on yourselves (in different ways: him to face himself, you to strengthen yourself; and work as a couple) and these take differing amounts of time to progress and there will be times when those timings are in conflict (like now, when you've made a massive step in giving him a chance, but you are still not sure if he can step up to the mark).

This is probably a good time to find individual and joint marriage counsellors and look for books and on line resources.

Salbertina Sun 10-Feb-13 05:41:46

Indeed, not mad! Yes, he should be the one doing the running

Timetoask Sun 10-Feb-13 06:26:10

Dontwakemeup: you clearly want this to work, but I agree with you, he needs to try and win you back. A couple of questions for you:
1- Is he able to get work in the UK?, staying in Malaysia is simply not a good idea. I think this should be a condition for you to stay together as a family
2- Get a good couples therapist to help you both overcome this

lalalonglegs Sun 10-Feb-13 10:10:33

I don't think you're mad at all but I do think he will have to work like a demon to make your marriage work. Lots of people have affairs and manage to mend their marriages afterwards but he didn't just have an affair - he has behaved so cruelly with such disregard for you and your children. I'd be very worried that his concern for the OW means that he isn't fully committed to moving on - even if he does worry about her, why tell you? - and I don't think either of you should go back to Malaysia.

Stay separate for a few months to see if he does want to try to make the relationship work or whether he assumes he is just going to slip back into the old routine once he has said a perfunctory sorry. I'd be very worried indeed if, after a few days, he implies in any way that you are being a nag or not moving on fast enough {"Look, I've said I'm sorry" "What else can I do?" "How long are you going to keep this up?" etc hmm)

Doha Sun 10-Feb-13 10:43:42

Sorry but l don't think it will be too long till love me long time is back on he scene or at least a different OW if he stays in Malaysia. I certainly wouldn't advise you to go back there.

I would be thinking long and hard if you really want him back. A man who treated you so badly while pregnant and wasn't around for the star of his DS's life. What is her excuse for having this affair? He certainly doesn't sound remorseful LMOAT a if he knew you would be waiting in he wings to take him back.
ANd above everything else make sure he has STI checks

Doha Sun 10-Feb-13 10:48:25

LMOAT..wtf was that meant to mean hmm

lonelyplanetmum Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:48

That's a first essential step towards showing he loves you, but it's a lot of hard work ahead. I absolutely agree (from experience) that you have to find childcare for an hour or so a week, and have individual and/ or joint counselling when he's here. Treat yourself gently...

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 10-Feb-13 13:10:36

I am one of the few who took her DH back after an affair. However, as others have said, its not an easy road.

Your H will have to do all the hard work in helping you recover and look into himself to find out what issues and character flaws made him justify treating you in such a vile way. Given how awful he has been and the lack of remorse he has shown so far, I very much doubt he will want to do the work.

I agree he needs to get tested for STIs.

I came across this link on here and its a good one:
www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair

DontWakeMeUp Mon 11-Feb-13 23:12:48

Well now he can't give me any definate plan as to when he is going to hand in his notice and come back. In fact he is being evasive about the whole thing really - turning it around saying i am putting pressure on and that nothing he does is good enough. Talking about he plans to be home before christmas. which leads me to question what I am doing. He says he needs to find work ( okay fair enough) and wants some money behind us ( an excuse ? ). It feels like if I put on pressure on he can't hack it. Is he recovering from dumping her? Is he a mess ? Should I give him time ? Am I being far too considerate , considering he showed me absolutely zero care? A, I just making excuses for him and pussy footing around him , mothering him ( like the MIL) and trying to keep him sweet so he doesn't have to face any consequences. What am I doing? Am I expecting too much or taking too much of the blame for my part in our marriage breakdown? All I really want is a ' I am sorry I didn't mean to cause you so much pain' is that really too much to ask? ' sorry I abandoned you when you really needed me'. I have said I don't want to pressure him and I want him to be happy ( doormat?!?). I suppose I am letting him get away with it because in the last 6 months I realise what he meant to me, I realise I didn't pay him any attention. He was the one who was always ' looking after me and being attentive ( not in Malaysia) and I didn't return it. Oh why aren't things straightforward?

lalalonglegs Mon 11-Feb-13 23:29:28

I'm so sorry that he is still being... well, a prick. I'm really hesitant to say that this latest post isn't great news because I can tell how much you want to get your marriage to get back on track but he has a hell of a lot of work to do and I'd start trying to prepare yourself for the possibility that his heart just isn't in it sad.

Perhaps if he could turn the clock back to before he had his affair - maybe quite a bit before, when you were child-free and could give him all your attention and love and focus - then he would but it sounds as if, although he may love his children and you, he doesn't really want to stop being the person that everyone else has to fuss over and indulge.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine how confused and frustrated you must feel.

Helltotheno Mon 11-Feb-13 23:30:14

Yes, doormat.. sorry OP sad
He's not committed, he's not interested; even if he does come back, there's nothing more certain than that he'll be gone again shortly... especially if you're prepared to just take him back no questions asked. He won't respect you OP and you're opening a door for him to treat you like dirt.

Save yourself a world of grief and dump him now.

Mimishimi Tue 12-Feb-13 00:54:44

I'm really sorry OP but he does not sound one bit sorry. I am very much sure he would really like his family all together ( and that would be his principle motivation) but I strongly feel that he would like OW on the side as well, if not her, a different one. Coming back at Christmas? That's nearly a whole year away. If he was really remorseful he'd think 'stuff the money' and come running back to you begging your forgiveness. Sounds like he's done none of these things. Please don't torture yourself with thoughts of not having paid enough attention, when faced with the likes of 'loveyoulongtime' any attention that you do pay to him would not be as flattering and ego stroking as that which he fell for ( unless you completely gave up your dignity). At this point personally I'd be telling him to f right off but at the very least don't allow him to let you take the blame for anything wrong in your marriage. If these were all issues, he could have brought them up with you and broke up with you like a civilized person, before embarking on his affair.

DontWakeMeUp Tue 12-Feb-13 06:16:50

Yes I am not thinking that we are back together at all. Until he returns home and starts to prove himself. He was evasive about finishing with her initially and he has done that . I will see. I will give him some limited time, as i did with him finishing with her , to start to face the fact that there is fallout and that he can't avoid it. If he can't face it and give me some concrete actions then he is no good to me.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 07:12:10

"i am putting pressure on and that nothing he does is good enough"

Tell him: No, I'm not sure after what you have done if I will ever see you as "good enough" again. I never chose to be in this situation; it's up to you to clean up the mess you made. If you find this to be too much stress and pressure, tell me now. I don't want to waste time, nor unsettle the DCs from the new life here if all you're going to do is whine, complain and procrastinate.

GirlsonFilm Tue 12-Feb-13 10:15:36

OP how can you be sure he's finished with loveyoulongtime, he may have simply moved her out of the house and be visiting whenever he pleases, and giving himself til Christmas to decide who to bestow his love on, long term. Even if he has finshed with her, he doesn't sound sorry at all.
Please don't waste time waiting for him to come home, use the time to build yourself a good life for you and your children and by the time (or rather if) he returns you may find you simply don't need him anymore.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 10:24:19

Don't be such a doormat. He is the one calling the shots when it should be YOU who is taking back control. His actions are still not those of a remorseful man.

Did you look at the link I posted earlier? It explains some of the steps HE needs to take in order to repair the damage and so far he is not doing anything except to continue living the life of a free single man.

I agree that you need to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life - friends, hobbies and also get some therapy.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 10:30:20

OP: there is a world of difference between someone who is contrite (who would be grappling with the realisation of the pain he has caused - which is difficult - and apologising, and working out how to fix it) and someone who is just treating you callously.

If he were the former, he would be saying something along the lines of: my priority is with you, and to make this work I need to do XYZ to finish up in Malaysia, and although I want to be with you and my family, it's probably going to take this long because of ABC. Unless of course you can see any way to shorten it. I know it will be hard for you to trust me whilst I'm away, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure my life is an open book to you and act in a trustworthy way even though I recognise you will find it hard to believe me.

He seems some distance from that. Now, you have built a new life, and must not let that be undermined or eroded by begging, pleading or becoming a doormat. Stay strong, continue to build the best possible life for you and DCs here (ie show him what he's missing).

DontWakeMeUp Wed 13-Feb-13 19:52:46

According to my husband he has said he is sorry many times! I think he just doesn't know how to communicate at all. He sent me a card with some of his feelings in it, which is a start.

Doha Wed 13-Feb-13 20:05:50

He is pulling you chain OP. If he was truely sorry and wanting his family back he would be moving heaven and earth to be back home with you and practically on his knees begging forgiveness.
He is doing neither of these. It is still all about what he wants isn't it.
How can you be 100% sure loveyoulongtime is out of the picture??? Can you believe a word he says. I certainly couldn't by what you have posted on here.
It continues to be all about him.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 20:09:43

I realise I didn't pay him any attention. He was the one who was always ' looking after me and being attentive ( not in Malaysia) and I didn't return it.

I have found out this is a very common dynamic in affairs (me too Don't). It isn't a blame thing, it is a 'the story behind the A' thing.

Read up on split self affairs. He loves you and he loves her. He can't chose. He is choosing you, but you are going to have to accept that he really did love her.

This is all about him (and his split, goody husband, passionate man)

Good luck Don't, it will take him some time to unwean himself from Loveyoulongtime.

frustratedworkingmum Wed 13-Feb-13 20:19:56

Christ, this man must have stamped your self esteem into the ground for you to feel the need to "fight" for him - fuck that, you and your children are worth more

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now