Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

DontWakeMeUp Wed 16-Jan-13 21:54:46

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and support. Lots of your comments have made me laugh - so thanks ! It is really helping me get through. Am looking into returning to work. just waiting for my ds to get a little bit older, will be happier to use a nursery/childcare etc.. The silly, slag prostitute isn't coming with him. If she were .....well I don't think I would be responsible for my actions and knowing she is a size 2 I don't think she would fair very well!!! Describing him as an addict is so true - he did actually tell me he was addicted to her. Shame he just can't see her for what she really is.
Trying to keep my head out of his world and think about my own - just hard when there are constant reminders in our house - lots of happy memories. I think the sooner I can move the better really! got to remember he's not hurting , crying about it all, he doesn't care about my pain - he doesn't deserve my heartache - just a shame there isn't a button you can press to switch of your emotions! I think he does deserve my anger about the dcs but actually venting to him is just a waste of time as i think he is so selfish now he will somehow try and turn himself into the victim.

DoingItForMyself Sat 19-Jan-13 13:09:44

You're right there Dont, they never seem to realise the extent of the pain they have caused, even when you try to spell it out for them (until one day the OW leaves them and they are all alone, it dawns on them what an almighty cock-up they have made of their life! By which time you will have moved on and have a fabulous twunt-free life)

Lovelysmilee Sat 19-Jan-13 15:25:36

Having been through this myself but to nowhere near the extent you have, it is true that a dignified front has to be kept. It is unfortunate and the human condition in fact that we want what we can't have - to be frank, if you are really honest there was an imbalance somewhere in your dynamic between the two of you.
I can guarantee that in time he will realise he has made a massive mistake; unfortunately because of biology the way to go forward is almost impossible - thanks to the hormones raging inside of us women the fact that he is the father of your children means that this is a 1000% more difficult for you to walk away from and begin healing. However. I had wake up to the fact that co dependency is not healthy. It sounds like you are back here but with no friends / family to lean on. Any hysterics / emotional 'episodes' will be seen as such, and used as reasons why the relationship may have broken down in the first place. Unfairly, but true.

So, practically?
Right now you have to survive. Make sure you eat, and if you can't eat often make sure you eat healthily when you do - its not your body that did this so punishing it is not fair on it, especially if you are breast feeding.
Definitely get as much legal advice s you can.
Have a chat with the in laws, again NO emotion - they sound rather uptight and they definitely don't talk about feelings etc which is partly how you have ended up in this situ via your husband in the first place. Tell them that you have the impression from their behaviour that they seemingly condone your ex's behaviour. Tell them that you need time for yourself (do not say to heal or anything like that, it just gives them / him more power). Work out a timetable to be strictly adhered to for them visiting / having the grandchildren. They evidently have their own familial issues but that's none of your business xx
Selling the house is a massive upheaval especially on this terrible market. If you rent you can take as much / little of the furniture with you and make a completely fresh start; see it as 'practising' your new life. Then when the market improves and all the legal stuff is done you'll be far more protected, confident, and hopefully well off. Otherwise if you want something more immediate, house swaps are awesome too - you need to get out of there ASAP. If you love the house you may be selling something that in the future could come to signify something good, not just the bad. A change of decor, furniture, even the layout of the house - you need to be in different surroundings for a while just to heal a little.
Do go to the doctor and ask to be referred for therapy. You don't need anti depressants, youve been through a massive trauma and you're grieving. But you do need somebody objective, and to be perfectly honest somebody who won't sit there and agree with everything you say. I was emotionally abused very severely, but even I had to stand up and accept the fact that in some way I allowed it to happen.
Make time for yourself - google everything you can from mum and baby swimming sessions to toddler groups, anything that will give your days structure and a reason for you to get out if the house. Most importantly pamper yourself. A hot bath, joining a gym, making the most of jacuzzi, sauna etc - really helped me. If you can get babysitting favours off family etc. they are there to support us in times of emergency - this id an emergency!!!!

Your husband is a wally. You think you want him back but you don't - you want the old him back, not the person he has become. And people do change unfortunately - if I remember who I was 16 years it's a world away from who I am now.
When he skypes the little girl, look amazing, be friendly, amiable, but give nothing away - if he asks you any questions be smiling and gracious but give short answers. If he notices the difference in you (which he will, trust me) apologise and say that your life is private now, and that you are happier. And. say that is all he needs to know. You see he's 1000s of miles away sitting there with this girl thinking you're safely at home an emotional wreck pining for him; that means he doesn't have to worry about other men being on the scene which believe me, if he even had an inkling of a thought otherwise, he'd be concerned. Very concerned.

Lastly remember, you are doing all of this for you sbd your children. NOT him / to get him back. This will be a life changing experience, and do it should be. But if you embrace it as the beginning of a new, independent adventure for you and your babbies, therein lies the light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck sweetie x

trustissues75 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:49

I really do feel for you. I too followed my ex around with his job...we came back on holiday from South Korea, he convinced me to stay with DS saying he'd get a position in the UK as soon as he could and about 10 weeks later he had quit his job in South Korea and moved in with a woman in Florida not far from his parent's house - he'd visited Florida just a month before for a week without me knowing. The woman's husband died less than 2 weeks before my NSDH moved in with her and her two children. Since then I have been in a battle to keep hold of our DS which has almost bankrupted my parents, we have endured temporary emergency accommodation, we have lived without all of our belonging and have had to build up from the most basic of things (we actually slept on the floor for nearly a month) since NSDH refuses to return any of our belongings - his lawyer has said I'm more than welcome to come to Florida where NSDH had everything shipped and retrieve everything (with what you fucking moronic septic?). He's abusive and nasty because he's not getting his way ie me putting DS on a plane, he's stopped paying child support to try to force my hand, he's had his lawyer try to discredit me with my solicitor, he has blatently lied saying I've kidnapped our DS and have refused to tell him where we are. He uses DS as a messenger and recently, after finding out that I'm pregnant and him mentioning the OW's name to DS three times in a 5 minute conversation in hopes of a reaction and getting none, he has thrown a strop on DS and told him that since DS doesn't seem to have an awful lot to say to him that he'll only bother calling once a week from now on. Fancy making your 8 year old child responsible for their relationship with their parent!! You're not alone, but it does feel lonely and it's hurtful and gut wrenching....your NSDH is an arse, a snake, a dirtbag....and it won't feel like it right now (it took me over 6 months to realise it) you are far better off without him.

Huge hugs to you.

trustissues75 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:21:32

Oh and also...it's just turned 2 years since he left us homeless and penniless and although I do still have bad days (I so want to make him pay) I'm much happier than I had been for a long time, have learned that what I considered normal is in fact abusive and I'm growing in confidence and strength. I've found myself dealing with things in a much more forward and confident manner and am learning to say what I mean and what I need....

Hopefully in a few months you will see that being a complete twat was the best theing your NSDH ever did for you.

Look after yourself and your lovely DC's - you are far stronger than you realise.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 20-Jan-13 21:00:07

Thanks again for all the comments. Trying to remember the non-emotional bit but so hard. Lost it a bit with the ILs again. MIL had set up a Skype when I went around today that I had no idea about. Got very angry and told them a few home truths. Got a lot off my chest ! Not sure it will make the slightest bit of difference as to how they perceive the situation but at least they know how I feel about it /them. At least I'm not 2 faced!
Really got to reign in the emotions for when H comes , especially the anger ( which is the over riding feeling at the moment! )

DontWakeMeUp Mon 21-Jan-13 20:42:03

Husband throwing his toys out the pram about the amount of access he will have with the dc when he comes. Messaged him and told him I would not be messing up dd routine ( which he said was okay originally) but when it turns out he won't see her that much ( why should I bend over backwards and deal with the meltdowns caused by getting her over tired to spend extra time with him? I have a 6 wk old baby to look after too!) he has messaged ' it's not enough' . I so want to throw that back at him ! IT'S NOT ENOUGH how little he is here for dd and ds! Of course he is not thinking about the effect his visit will have on dd - specifically the after effects. He is so incredibly selfish. It hurts so much to think that he has changed so much. That he is and will be capable of walking in and out of dc lives. I still live in a kind of shock that he hasn't even met his son, he has missed the birth, first smiles etc.. Who is this man? I want my husband back the man I married, who was caring and kind - what the hell happened !?

lalalonglegs Mon 21-Jan-13 22:19:16

He will accuse you of using your children to punish him. Remind yourself as often as you need to that you are trying to maintain some sense of normality for them, especially your daughter. He won't like it but he will have to accept (eventually) that his actions have consequences and one of those is that he is unlikely to figure much in his children's lives. Stay strong, get this visit out of the way - it will be hellish but life will settle down a bit afterwards.

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 00:25:51

Be sure not to use your DD to punish him as well though. To be honest, I'd probably let her routine get thrown out a bit if it's only for a week or so. However, you should not be expected to go out of your way to arrange all that. Perhaps let her stay with the in-laws for a week? You could drop her off before he arrives and pick her up after he is gone.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:29:37

Don't think DD would take kindly to staying at her grandparents, seeing daddy again - oh joy! - then have him disappear again into the blue. Personally I think she's too young (not even 4 yet?) to handle that trauma - or is that too strong? severe disappointment again. It's her mum that has to deal with the aftermath not him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:29:37

Don't think DD would take kindly to staying at her grandparents, seeing daddy again - oh joy! - then have him disappear again into the blue. Personally I think she's too young (not even 4 yet?) to handle that trauma - or is that too strong? severe disappointment again. It's her mum that has to deal with the aftermath not him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:52:07

Sorry for earlier double post.

I can't explain why he has altered so drastically DontWakeMeUp but you have hit the nail on the head, he won't be affected by your tears. His parents might say he has flipped through stress or fear of life passing by or a milestone birthday - or more likely he got caught up in his own myth making, or perhaps he always had a selfish streak a mile wide you never saw or ignored. The OW could have been anyone, she's not special.

It doesn't seem much consolation but hang onto your dignity because further down the road you'll be so much better off without him. Don't use your children as weapons but keep protecting them like a mother tiger, (if your ex finally condescends to meet DS lets hope he feels a flicker of shame) and make sure their passports are safely tucked away.

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 03:43:46

There will be an aftermath regardless though. If she allows unfettered access by sending her DD to her grandparents, he can't use it as ammunition against her in future as to reasons why he hasn't seen his DC enough (when they get old enough to ask him). It would also give her a week's break from childcare of the toddler which might be nice for her. She should definitely not let him into her home to see the newborn though - maybe rrange for a two hour meeting at the grandparents with the strict proviso that she is not expected to be there. I don't think OP should be expected to put on a brave front and hang around to keep her in-laws happy (whether he is there or not). In the unlikely event he did ask to meet up I'd say "Sure, how about my solicitor's office on xyz date and we can discuss proceedings?". OP, if you do meet up with him, please be acutely aware that he isgoing to sweet talk you as much as possible ("I'm so confused', 'it's me, not you' etc) and try to leave you in some doubt with regards to his true feelings/intentions until he feels that things are financially in his favour.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 03:53:53

Totally agree, no need to hand ex any ammunition. Access by all means but as long as OP says she's acting in DD's best interests, and ensures he has reasonable access, ex can't really dictate can he. As primary caregiver she'll know more about DD's routines than he will. DD isn't a dolly to be picked up on a whim.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 07:37:27

How are you, Don't? Are you okay? How are you bearing up?

MN how can Don't respond with dignity to the text 'that isn't enough'?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

Hi ABit Obviously H is only thinking of himself and not above trying to provoke Don't, but lambasting him is draining and if posters advocate 'dignity' they don't mean roll over and meekly acquiesce, I imagine they mean don't rise to the bait, keep as detached as you can.

Don't, how's it going today?

Stay strong OP. What you've described is devastating, and it is extremely difficult to accept that that's what he's become.

Are you managing to eat and keep a daily routine?

flowers

DontWakeMeUp Tue 22-Jan-13 16:09:03

I'm okay but incredibly stressed re. visit. My dd (aged 3 and a half) is at nursery 4 days a week til 3pm ( H already agreed she should keep going as normal) . So after nursery school I will have to ferry her to the grandparents ( I have the car seat) and pick her up. This is hassle as she will be tired and I will have the bedtime meltdown - need to pick her up at 6 for bed at 7. I have a new baby to look after too and no sleep. I have suggested he can have her once after school ( I will have to do the running around). Also Fridays I take the dc out all day - playgroup and soft play with friends - this is a regular routine so why should this change ? He can have her sat, and sun afternoon ( I take her out to tumble tots Sunday mornings - if he takes her I will have the fallout next week when he is gone asking where he is etc.. ) He comes on Thursday this week, too late to see her,and goes next sat. So do I say he can have her one other afternoon ( at my expense) and one Friday afternoon ? If I do this I feel I am again doing what he wants and pandering to him. What is actually best for my dd and what about me as a mother to a 6 wk old baby? Is it best for dd to see more of him and suffer the consequences after ( I will be the one picking up the pieces ) or less? He is hardly going to maintain a true relationship in a week. I also am juggling a new baby so part of me feels why should I put myself out for him - I ferry her to school and then all the extra work ? I am a single parent doing all the work with no sleep. I have messaged to say he can have ds for 2 hours on sat - I will drop off and collect. What do you think?
I haven't replied to his message of ' it's not enough'.

GirlsonFilm Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:18

Don't I've just read through your story and my he's twat isn't he?

On a practical note re his visit, why don't you suggest that DH collects DD from nursery and drops her off at your house at 6:30 (you could leave the carseat at nursery for him to use), he could do that a couple of times if he wants to.

I know it's bloody hard, but you're in for a long game and you want/need to have the morale high ground at every turn (you don't want him whinging that he's "flown all the way from the Philipines leaving loveyoulongtime for a whole week and you will not let him see his children").

I'd also be tempted to have the divorce papers ready and waiting for him arriving.

Good luck and know that there are many on here willing you on and sending you good thoughts.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 16:32:59

It's a lot of motoring about but as you say, it's just for one week. It is not just pandering to him, it is letting her see her DF, and though you don't need to grovel to PILs, it should highlight how reasonable you are, and may well keep them onside with practicalities after he jets back.

Same goes for him seeing DS. I don't envy you, what a wrench, the whole situation is not of your making but you are coping so well.

Part of me thinks, as you will need a car seat big enough for DS at some point, in addition to the one you have for DD at her age, wouldn't it be useful if he buys a forward facing seat now while over here? Then when she is due to see him, during his stay, he or PILs can do some of the ferrying. DS will be able to use it once he outgrows his rear facing baby seat.

I am sure posters with more experience of this will soon be along.

lalalonglegs Tue 22-Jan-13 17:06:05

I'd tell your husband or your in-laws to get a car seat and do the running round themselves (you can get perfectly decent ones in Halfords for #40). Yy, to having divorce papers ready.

SugarPasteSnowflake Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:38

And if he keeps bleating about it not being enough, then point out that the situation is of his own making.

if he is concerned about seeing his kids then perhaps he should think about his permanent living arrangements with his kids welfare at heart, instead of with his dick.

Remind him that he needs to consider the effect on the DC after he's returned to little miss hot stuff; if dd spends huge amounts of time with him then has to try and grasp why he isn't there anymore, it's likely to cause her huge upset and disruption.

Remind him that after all he's seeing the kids because it's about their best interests, not his, isn't he?

DontWakeMeUp Tue 22-Jan-13 19:27:38

About the car seat - another should have arrived by now with our stuff from Malaysia - he played games, saying our belongings had been shipped ( we still have a lot of possession in our UK house) when it had not so I have no idea when it will arrive. I would rather not DH get involved with her nursery - again questions will come of it. As to sleeping at the IL s she has never been apart from me only when I went into hospital and because I went into labour early with no warning I have had lots of upset from this. She has people in her lives only to leave. Our 'maid' was her best friend and she talks about her still. She probably is more resilient than I give her credit for though. I suppose I could send him a message asking 'what does he propose is enough?' . What gets me is that when he was judging us on Skype before we returned to Malaysia I remember him saying this is when I will miss her. What about her missing him- it just never occurred to him did it?

DontWakeMeUp Wed 23-Jan-13 20:01:35

Just want to thank everyone again for all your input - you are all helping me get through this ! Managing to multitask on very little sleep ! Still eating x Have just had my second bout of mastitis and high temp but I dragged myself to solicitor today. Not sure he will take what the solicitor has said about our finances very well. Just got to face him with it at some point. Sure he will get nasty.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 23-Jan-13 20:26:00

Sorry you are coping with twin evils of disturbed sleep patterns and mastitis. Glad you got to see solicitor. H probably won't be skipping and clapping at news of the finances but he should have thought of that - he may in his own warped way appreciate that you are taking steps to move things along. You've got the moral high ground however PILs greet him like the prodigal son.

Hope you bear up and don't let him have the satisfaction of thinking you are lost without him. Can imagine the strain not to slap him but good luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now