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My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

Tryharder Sat 12-Jan-13 20:31:44

I'm sure his parents are cringing with shame and embarrassment but in the end he is their son and they can't disown him. I think the fact that you are close to them and thus your DCs have a relationship with them is important and positive so well done you!

I would place money on the fact that your DH is already regretting his decision but how do you put together back something so shattered?

This Filipino girl will show her true colours soon if she hasn't already and will bleed your DH white. In the meantime, I hope you have a good solicitor.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:01:55

Met with the mother in law today and couldn't help myself. Told her about the Skype call and my daughter not wanting to speak with her golden son and that it annoyed me that everyone wants to do a song and dance and play happy families to make him happy on a skype call. She 'blamed' me for walking out the room for his daughter not wanting to speak with him. I said my daughter never used to want to talk to them - the grandparents when they had been gone for a long time. I also told her that he would have to start accepting the consequences of his actions as it isn't as if he is part of a family just working away for a while which is how they would like to see it. I said things are very different now. As far as I'm concerned it's about time she started accepting the consequences too! I don't see why I should have to bite my tongue. Perhaps she should start facing the truth that he has abandoned the precious grandchildren. She would like to view him as a victim as he 'misses ' his daughter. Sorry still on anger overdrive!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:15

Mothers always do think the sun shines out of the son's arse, even though they are a total prick, its like they are in denial, because deep down they know they made a giant arsehole.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:16:11

I know at the end of the day it's not the inlaws fault and they are denying things as I'm sure it's all to painful to accept. Surely he deserves at least a slap around the wrist for this? She is just so desperate not to upset him as he might never speak to her again - isn't that just selfish - what about the best interests of the grandchildren - he will never be a father ( not even weekend part time dad) in any true sense of the word.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:17:42

Made me laugh gregsbishopsbottombitch !

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:18:45

And when your DC's are older, it'll be the GP's that they question over his behaviour, because he wont be around, and they are gonna have to deal with the reactions, they dont realise that.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:21:09

x posted, Dont Its true, my ex is a prick, but can do no wrong, your exes mother has spent a lifetime saying "My son, great man, great father, how perfect he is, " now the ugly truth has come out and she dont wanna admit shes wrong.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 13-Jan-13 20:44:31

Well didn't do so well today. Husband skyped daughter from the MILs. I stayed in the room off screen and lost it. Husband kept looking over at slag who was off screen and didn't even look at our dd! My blood was boiling so I said he was too busy looking at girlfriend to look at our dd. Then MIL mentioned my son sleeping and I had to say that his son was a stranger that in a roomful of babies he wouldn't know from adam and that the Skype call was a farce. MIL was going to end call but he hung up first. I was sooo angry, I know this doesn't help my dd at all - but I was shaking with anger! Sent him a Skype message after saying that I would not be present at any Skype calls in future as although I was understandably angry at his lack of parenting of my children that I do not want to upset dd and that in future could he be one on one with dd to give her his full on attention as his time with her is limited.
Oh I'm am an emotional and sleep deprived mess! I just want to cry! Obviously MIL never said a word about it as usual. Sure she will probably send her precious son an email later apologizing for my behaviour! why do i feel like the one in the wrong here? Why is everything so unfair? Why is he getting away with it? WhyTF is he coming home for just over a week? Do you think if I stab him I could plead insanity (joke)! I feel like he has stabbed me while pregnant, sat and watched me bleed slowly and then when lying in the gutter keeps throwing in a few extra punches. How can he be so cold and cruel and just wipe out our life together as though it were all just so meaningless? How can he actually dump the kids? Will I ever make any sense of this? Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and find the last 6 months have all just been a nightmare and sick joke and I will get my life back. Sometimes I just feel I don't have any strength left, how many more knocks can you take before you fall over?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 20:51:16

Awwwww Dont Its not your fault, hes just a real arsehole, thinking of his dick, i would get some distance from them all for a while until you feel less angry, and maybe give MIL the truth and how it hurts you, and if they want to be in the DC's lives then they need to face up to it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 13-Jan-13 21:29:43

Sometimes I wonder if the miracles of technology ie Skype are actually a force for good or evil enabling Twatty Ex to play Dad of the Year. After all time difference aside it's no effort on his part - he is free of a conscience and childcare/sleepless nights, adoring gf next to him, doting DM across the world.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 22:57:17

I would stop the Skype calls for a start and limit my time with IL's. They will soon be welcoming OW into the house with their beloved DS and you will be faded into the background.
These circumstances are his choice -not yours and l doubt your DD or for that matter your DS will develop any kind of relationship with him in the short time he is home and he obviously only skypes to "look good" to OW and his parents.
If he wanted to play doting dad he wouldn't have screwed you over---he is not a good dad, far from it.
Time for you to put yourself first.

Mimishimi Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:31

Is there actually any need for you to be at your in-laws when your daughter visits? You could treat it like a visitation and drop her off for the weekend. Then she could Skype with her father without all the pain it is obviously still causing you. Maybe just hang around for an hour or two at pickup time so that they can see their grandson. They're also in a difficult situation so try not to blame them too much, you want them to stay on good relations with your kids. Please don't meet up with him in the week that he is home...

riveroise Mon 14-Jan-13 03:41:23

I am very sorry that your "D"H is a cheating scum bag and for the terrible things he has done to you and your children and f*cking up your lives sad

Looking on the bright side - at least you are not in Malaysia anymore and your DS was born in the UK. I would imagine that family law backs the fathers rather than mothers in Malaysia. Your children have not been exposed to the "party girl" as yet, and you are not stuck in Malaysia or worst still seeing your DH gain custody, with her looking after them.

Good luck with selling up. I hope you can move closer to your family and friends and not have to rely on the two-faced PILs.

SavoyCabbage Mon 14-Jan-13 03:58:06

He sounds like a right self-involved twat.

I imagine your PIL are in denial about the situation. Have they to,d people he has left you?

I wouldn't see him at all when he comes. Get someone else to drop the dc at his mother's. They are comfortable being there with her already.

No good can come from seeing him.

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 09:31:37

He kept looking off screen at his crack cocaine. You were observing an addict there. Remember: addicts do not care at all who is hurt in their quest to get their 'fix' (every time he looks at her, he gets a burst of brain pleasure chemicals). It is not love!

Stop the Skype calls. Stop seeing your MIL. Stop enabling their FOO bullshit.

Where are your friends? Do you have any? How can you make some? Have you joined your local NCT group? ANY local coffee mornings (the council used to hold them)?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Jan-13 09:48:57

Good luck this week DontWakeMeUp, forget yesterday's debacle and concentrate on establishing what you can do to secure a comfortable future for you and Dcs.

lalalonglegs Mon 14-Jan-13 10:05:33

Hi Dont - it never fails to surprise to me how some men can behave and I think Wobbly may have something when she describes it as an addiction (this explains, it doesn't excuse). You need lots of positive support and I'm not sure that your MIL is the best person to provide that as her loyalties are so split. Let her have the children (to give you a break, if nothing else) but don't confide in her or expect anything more than dogged justification of her son's behaviour sad.

DoingItForMyself Mon 14-Jan-13 10:12:04

Try to have a look at Chocoraisin's threads (How Could He? followed by "Nothing can drag you down if you're not holding on" - note the move into positivity, even in her titles!)

Her cheating twunt also played around while she was pregnant with DC2. She was understandably devastated, but she has handled herself and the situation with such great dignity that she is an inspiration to many in the same circumstances.

She's already reaping the benefits, seeing her ex-twunt for what he really is, knowing that he will treat the OW just as appallingly as he did her and now she is moving onwards and upwards! She has a blog too, to save you reading all the full threads.

It may not feel like it now, but this is the start of a new chapter, not just the end of an old one. You will deal with it all and of course there will be ups and downs but the sooner you realise that the man you thought you were married to does not exist any more (and you grieve for him) the sooner you will be able to move on and start rebuilding a life for yourself and your DCs.

Good luck x

brianbennettfan Mon 14-Jan-13 11:08:08

Hi sweetheart

I am so sorry for your heartache.

What does your lovely DD actually get out of those Skype calls? Pretty close to sod-all, I would imagine. So no more of those, I would say.

I can well understand your anger and frustration with the PILs. In my past life I have had to endure this attitude from not one but two sets of in-laws. Tbh I think that you need to come to terms with the fact that you and the PILs
are never going to be singing from the same hymnsheet as far as their prize pillock of a son is concerned. Maybe your contact with them should be tailored to take that fact into account.

Other than that I don't think I can give better advice and succour than those wise ladies that have gone before me.

Is your notD-H really bringing Miss Lucy Lastic with him? I wouldn't want my DCs anywhere near her.

Good luck.

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 12:20:53

Is Loveyoulongtime coming???? shock shock

Say it ain't so.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 12:21:49

Is your notD-H really bringing Miss Lucy Lastic with him? I wouldn't want my DCs anywhere near her.

I wonder what your DC's will actually get out of meeting her, since they are only back for a week, she'll probably ignore them, or treat them as an inconvience.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 12:23:26

LMAO Abit i love the little one liners i've seen on here, :d

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 13:17:40

Sometimes I just feel I don't have any strength left, how many more knocks can you take before you fall over? - this is called touching the hot stove with your hand [or, alternatively, the definition of deluded hope: banging your head against a brick wall over and over again with the hope of a different result]

You will keep getting knocked until you learn to STAY AWAY: from stupid weak grandma and from selfish him.
You notice it was your fault because you weren't in the room, and it was also you fault that you were in the room? You get that? What does it show? THAT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

How brave do you feel about saying to Moron Ma in Law: 'It is very hard for me to be in a family which pretends that how he is behaving is OK when it is despicable. I feel very unsupported at the moment and so I am not going to see you for a while. If you would like to see the grandchildren ring me to arrange a date and time, and I will drop them off'. Similarly, drop them off to see their wonderful father. Don't see him, really. It will HURT YOU.

She needs some flipping boundaries, as well as idiot H. This pretending all is OK is not on. She shouldn't be getting away with hurting you like she is!

CoteDAzur Mon 14-Jan-13 13:21:48

OP - So sorry that you are going through this.

I hope you see soon that a man who would leave his pregnant wife isn't worth your tears.

I promise you that it will get better. You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. Get angry and leave him behind. Onwards and upwards.

toni76 Mon 14-Jan-13 19:02:35

I know you're furious, and it feels like he has got away with it, but he HASN'T
It's only through actually doing the parenting that children learn to love and respect their parents - skype is a piss-poor replacement.
Down the line
YOU will have two children who adore you
YOU will have two children whose every mood you know, whose every face you recognise, who will tell you they love you EVERY morning.
YOU will have self-respect, and the knowledge that you did not behave shamefully

HE will have two children who are at best indifferent to him, at worst, hate him
HE will have an empty relationship based on a lie
HE will have , probably, all manner of STDs.

Seriously. SCREW HIM, and his parents. They are the losers in this. Dickheads.

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