Another name change after he 'found' me here again.
Over 2 years separated after 15 years of an abusive relationship and there are still days when I just despair.
His contact with the children is court ordered but he has an OW and an estranged mother back on the scene who are cheer leading his attempts to paint himself as the poor victim. He lies, he denies, he rewrites history.
He is utterly vile in court - he represents himself after falling out with a string of solicitors. He emails my solicitor constantly - 3 times a week on average. Aggravating for extra contact, complaining about property, complaining about not being answered quickly enough. He has alienated the school, social services.
He found out I was going to the Freedom program - it corresponded with one of his contact visits so he started to refuse to bring the kids home to babysitters - meaning I had to give up.
I've had 'counselling' with Womens Aid but because he is still so actively trying to control, it ended up being fire fighting his latest antics. I've read Lundy -I know 'why' he does it but I don't know how to cope.
OW is pregnant and rather than leaving me alone and focusing on that, he seems to have upped the ante.
He refuses to engage with my solicitor with regards the actual divorce and I am trapped in a situation where he pays the mortgage on the FMH as it is significantly less than the maintenance he 'should' be paying. If I don't play ball, he stops the mortgage payments.
I regularly have police patrols passing the house as it's on a high alert list. I am trying to hold down a stressful job and I'm starting to make mistakes there
I dread opening my emails. I don't even go to court hearings any more because he is so hostile.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say. But I'm so very, very tired. My physical health is awful but I'm sure it's all just stress related.
I just want it to end. but will it ever stop as long as the children are still kids?
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Can I ever truly escape an abusive man when I am the mother of his children ?
MeaninglessStrife · 10/01/2013 22:29
Secondhand - he has assaulted the eldest. And therefore his contact has been reduced. He is IMO emotionally abusive to them. So whilst he 'loves' his kids, a huge part of the contact issue, IMO, and that of social services, is that he wants control back. He wants to 'win' at all costs.
C'est - house is in negative equity - mortgage has been interest only. I've had no luck so far with being able to take it on my own as I've been on rolling temporary contracts until December (am now permanent so hoping that will go in my favour) I know the answer is to get away from him having this control re the house - but it's only a small part of the whole shitty mess
Just sending 
and sympathy.
Can you get the heavies agencies involved to protect you and the children to a greater degree?
He's assaulted your eldest dc and he's allowed unsupervised contact with them? 
How is the 15 daytime hours per fortnight arranged? 7 hours straight at weekends or otherwise?
How many dc do you have and how old are they?
When he picks them up at your home, do you have any face-to-face contact with him?
We have no communication - he parks right outside the living room window and the kids run out, or run in. he always empties the rubbish from his car into my bin though 
I've issued divorce proceedings on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour/adultery but he refused to acknowledge them.
He then issued proceedings based on 2 years separation when we'd been separated for a 18 months (I now know this was when she fell pregnant) wanted me to walk away with nothing and that was right in the middle of all the supervised contact stuff and I just couldn't afford/cope with starting to untangle finances. I still want to go for UB - I feel I need to for some sort of closure if that makes sense ?
Yes yes yes to hearing his voice - he refers to me as 'Your client' or 'My wife' (technically yes but it creeps me out) and I can see his face when i read them....
First things first; dealing with manipulative twunts can be extremely draining and I'm not at all surprised you're bone tired but schedule an appointment with your GP to rule out any physical cause and, if you're not sleeping well, ask for appropriate meds.
The way to deal with all you've got on your plate is to divide it up into bite size chunks and plough your way through slowly but surely. The following may serve to help you perceive what may appear to be overwhelming as manageable:
- Years of abuse, plus the physical abuse you mentioned, will have taken its toll on your dc too. If you haven't done so already, ask your GP or his school to refer your eldest ds to a paediactric psychology unit for counselling/play therapy and please give consideration to asking for a similar referral for your youngest ds.
- With regard to the pending Hearing re contact, stick with your decision not to agree to any increase in the existing hours and instruct your solicitor to remind the Court that he is yet to comply with the direction for him to attend a course for abusive fathers, notwithstanding the fact that attendance at any such course will not change his behaviour one iota, but he'll pick up some jargon which he'll use to further manipulate and abuse others.
- The twunt clearly isn't opposed to divorce but, in common with others of his ilk, he doesn't want you divorcing him. Therefore, instruct your solicitor to file a further petition for divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour as per the facts of the matter in your earlier document. If he refuses to acknowledge receipt, engage the services of a process server or baliff and/or ask the Court to deem the papers served.
- Moving into rented accomodation may serve to enable him to continue to pull the financial strings in that if he delays child support/maintenance payments you may not be able to make ends meet plus, one way or another, he'll use the sale or rental of the former marital home as yet another way of exercising control over you.
In addition, moving house is way up on the stress chart and, as you're running on empty energy-wise, you're best advised to stay put in your home and seek to take on the mortgage as asap. In the meantime, and again if you haven't done so already, perhaps you/your solicitor can inform the mortgage company of your situation in the hope they won't plague you with threatening letters.
- ON NO ACCOUNT should you consider walking away from your rightful share of joint assets. You've earned every penny and then some and you will need every penny to ensure the material security of your dc. Get yourself the best possible deal - and if that means fighting tooth and nail over every last farthing and/or engaging in protracted negotiations, GO FOR IT and show the loathsome piece of gobshite that he can no longer intimidate you and call the shots.
The above looks pretty straightforward, doesn't it?
But, as he's engaged in a war of attrition, it's going to be a long haul and you need strategies for coping which will allow you to reduce your stress levels and increase your stamina. Compartmentalising will save your sanity and give your overworked brain a rest. At the present time your job is vital to you. As you can't afford to make errors at work, rule number 1 is to leave all thoughts of these matters at the doorway to your place of employment. If unwelcome thoughts pop into your head, replace them with work related or more pleasureable ones. In time it will become second nature for you to decide what you want to think about, when you want to think about it.
Set aside, say, one hour a on a set day each week to peruse his emails and give consideration to the content. Some weeks you may need less time and others somewhat more, but get into the habit of only reading this material at the appointed time you've allocated for this purpose and, immediately thereafter, switch your attention to something completely different.
Similarly, unless any communication from your solicitor requires an urgent/immediate response, set it aside for consideration on the allotted day.
Be ruthless with your thoughts - don't them allow to control you to the extent you become in thrall to them, driven to distraction with your mind going at 90 mph, round and round in circles as you imagine depresing/dire scenarios with no end in sight. If you find unwelcome thoughts becoming incessant at a time when you need to concentrate on a matter in hand, tell them you'll give them free range later - at say 9pm after the dc are in bed and be sure to keep the appointment.
It's all too easy to neglect yourself when you're up against it; eat well and make sure you get regular periods of rest and play each day. If your diet leaves something to be desired, take a good quality multivitamin tablet daily and give consideration to boosting this with additional vitamin B complex and Vitamin D tablets.
Reward yourself by taking time to revel in simple pleasures - reading, music, painting, meditation, yoga, online shopping, whatever floats your boat. Don't neglect your social life. Keep in regular touch with friends/family and organise meetups as and when convenient for all concerned.
Your mantra is 'this too will pass'. And it will, honey. Every passing day is bringing you closer to a time when it will be over and you'll have an Absolute to hang in your loo [grin ]
Whenever it gets too much or you want to talk it through, update this thread and it will serve as a valuable chronicle of your journey through the obstacle course the twunt is determined to set for you.
Btw, emptying his rubbish on your property when he collects the dc is highly significant. He's symbolically trashing you every time he comes by your home. Hide or move your bin and, on the next occasion he's due, discreetly watch to see his reaction when he can't dump his trash on your property.
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