Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i dont know what to do :(

(204 Posts)
dadwithbaby Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:32

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

dadwithbaby Wed 01-May-13 00:32:29

Been busy redecorating the house and have almost finished just a few touches here and there to go.
Izzy no not ginger but a deep red bordering on purple wink

The boys are doing reasonably well considering still struggling with my troubled son and his indifference / internalized anger sad its slow progress with him but im not one to give up. His psychiatrist has decided to put him on anti psychotics which im not overly happy about but have researched the drug in question hmm

I have seen the solicitor and am receiving counsel in regards to divorcing her which apparently is going to be a pain in the rear but i'm doing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and at the moment residency issues i have to deal with myself but they will go over my work so to speak. Im unlikely to get residency as they go on the no ruling principal as they are not at risk and she isn't in the country confused So i have to apply for another order so she cant walk back in and take them
As for the house it still isn't ours confused im negotiating with the Housing association while preparing the appropriate orders just in case.

In the meantime dss had his 18th birthday not a card/gift/call from his mother.

Actually have heard from her 3 min phone call shock she is in total denial still of everything damn witch I have learnt that just before she left she took out 5 high interest payday loans giving our address/tel no etc. Learnt this from phones calls and checking a recent bank statement. Even when presented with the evidence just denial.

Physically and emotionally im drained those who we mutually know come up to me in total shock/disbelief at what she's done from what they know and have seen of us (cant say as would definitely out me in rl). As i point out you never really know someone ( 18 yrs ) I'm often asked would i take her back and i say no for what shes done to us. I dont believe she will come back and part of me hopes she doesn't as i always found it hard to say no to her sad.

It has been hard and as a family we are moving forward. Hopefully towards a better and brighter future smile

Thankyou for reading and commenting thanks

Xales Tue 09-Apr-13 19:40:49

Not surprised she hasn't been in touch. Her visits before she left were nothing more than duty they weren't out of love, care or desire to see her children. It is literally a case of out of sight out of mind. Until she wants something (like confirming they still love and adore her for some reason) I don't think you will hear a thing.

And pfft to the red hair that is easy. Try pink, purple or blue wink

Jux Tue 09-Apr-13 18:08:40

Red?!!! <boggles!> fantastic dad! What a statement!

You do sound very much more together than you were. Redecorating the house as well as yourself is a great idea.

Of course you're going to have good days and bad days, and so are the boys, and they won't ever always coincide, but I suspect that the actual worst is over and you will all be climbing that hill over there, you know, the one with the bluebell wood at the top with the everlasting picnic....

Second that you ask the solicitor about the tenancy. Hope that goes OK.

izzyizin Tue 09-Apr-13 09:12:54

Would that be auburn locks or a P.Harry ginger style makeover, dad? grin

You have been down to the bottom. Shock and disbelief and the realisation of the extent to which you've been set up duped and deceived sent you spiralling down, but when you have dcs' needs to consider you have no option but to climb back up to the top and get on with it - and you've achieved this admirably.

In the process many of your feelings will have inevitably gone on hold and that's not a bad thing as while your stoking the fires on the home front the back burner, so to speak, is processing them.

It could be that you'll get 'eureka' moments where you realise that it is what is and there's a lot worse that could have happened, or you may find yourself overcome with grief at what you may feel you've lost.

But in nature, nothing is wasted - hold on to that thought; it's sustained me through sad, bad, and good times.

Midwife99 Tue 09-Apr-13 01:11:22

Bloody hell Dad I can't believe she hasn't contacted the DCs! Wow! Shocked! Hope you're ok!

dadwithbaby Tue 09-Apr-13 01:07:39

Well its been all go have been keeping myself busy so i don't dwell on things suppose it helps being school holidays. It does get lonely and i do find my mind wandering, I have hardened there is no coming back to the family unit for the twisted witch just need to stay strong the wife. Speaking of witch we haven't heard a thing from her; the boys don't mention or ask after her atm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

I have had a visit from the housing officer who is considering putting me on the tenancy they still have their heads in the sand in a month or so... I should be hearing from my solicitor tomorrow so will hopefully discuss all options available.

On a positive note I am completely redecorating the house making it ours and breathing some new life into the house. The boys have all got over their bugs and as such are a little more energetic.

Im still taking the medication and know i haven't dealt with all this on a personal level yet. Personally i don't think i have hit rock bottom yet or maybe i have who knows. I seem to be having some sort of crisis wink and have gone and dyed my hair red lol thought i'd give people a reason to gawk.

Anyway thankyou for taking the time to read thanks

skyebluesapphire Sat 30-Mar-13 11:41:03

well done for sorting out all the paperwork. I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well. Like Izzy says, you need to get the tenancy agreement in your own name now, free of any previous arrears that are in her name.

Sounds like your DS is doing well which is good news too.

I hope everything continues to go ok for you

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 03:34:52

When you meet with the HA reps, please please please don't settle for anything less than the tenancy being transferred into your name FREE AND CLEAR of any arrears accrued before the time the former tenant (your, hopefully, soon tbxw) left the property.

If the HA don't offer an arrangement of this nature, or agree to it, DON'T sign anything and tell them you need time to think about what it is they've offered and discuss it with your solicitor before getting back to them.

I'm glad to hear your ds is making progress. What's happening with your oldest, your dss? Has his attitude towards you improved?

dadwithbaby Fri 29-Mar-13 00:53:04

The solicitor will be in the next week i made sure i got all the legal docs filled in and submitted.

I know that cyprus is in the shit having difficulties and hopefully they will both suffer wink. Surprisingly her sister has stepped up and offered support and has implied that she has "had words" with my stbxw which didn't go down to well with her. I am reserving judgement on that as actions speak louder than words.

I agree that leaving the boys with me and disappearing says more about her intentions. I now have reason to believe that the "affair" was going on for at least four months and that is gutting to say the least and compounds my of feelings stupidity in not having seen the signs. In the words of my son i had shit in my eyes but hey i'm not important at the moment the boys are i can wait... btw there are still plenty of people acting like twunts and i suppose that may or may not change over time.

In regards to the school it does not fall within the LEA it operates outside the usual recourses. I am approaching it in another manner and have involved other professionals to help. wink

On the plus side my son has had an psych assessment and although he still has issues he has not self harmed for a while and has come off the medication and is making progress which i am both happy and relieved about. The house itself is more relaxed and hopefully in this coming week i will have news relating to us staying in the house as i have a meeting with representatives from the housing association.

I do appreciate all replies so thankyou all thanks

Jux Wed 27-Mar-13 18:40:37

Good luck dad. You've been pretty stoic so far. I hope that now she's gone, and you've got immediate things like solicitor, school, house moving, you and your boys find time to reinject your lives with joy and laughter.

Have fun this Easter. Start of a new beginning.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 15:53:36

Dad I hope you deal as well with real life as you seem to be. I wish you all the strength you need to take care of you lovely boys.x

Xales Wed 27-Mar-13 14:26:38

You sound a lot calmer now that she has gone!

She will never accept what she has done wrong as that means looking at her self and she really wouldn't like what she needs. Her family brought her up and so they are all cut from the same cloth. So don't be surprised if they act like wankers just like her. To accept their daughter could do something vile means thinking they may have created it. Far easier to blame you being so evil that she had to abandon the children to. That their lack of protection for the children from the beast they believe you to be speaks volumes they are too thick to realise.

Life is shit out in that region as izzy says. Don't be surprised at contact/requests for help or to come back when the roses wear off.

Good on your son for sticking up for himself. Stupid school. Easy to blame him it saves them having to look at themselves again.

Good luck for the future.

izzyizin Wed 27-Mar-13 00:16:34

I'm immensely relieved to hear you've got a solicitor in place - when will you be seeing him/her?

As for your stbxw, don't be taken in by what you might see/read on social networking sites. The bottom's falling out of the Cypriot economy and it's already no picnic for those who live there.

Re your ds's school, have you invoked the LEA's complaints procedure?

Midwife99 Sun 24-Mar-13 10:44:20

Crikey dad - you're going through such a lot at the moment. Hand holding offered. Your boys know the truth. You are their rock!!

dadwithbaby Sat 23-Mar-13 23:11:34

I now have all appropriate paperwork and solicitor sorted before the deadline smile

Well shes been gone 10 days now and she has phoned once briefly asked to speak to the boys but none of them would talk to her. She still doesn't understand why, still believes she is in the right. confused. The boys are convinced that she is not coming back as she has been using fb to flaunt her new abode and lifestyle.

I must confess that i'm getting more annoyed as the revelations continue to surface. Me and the boys have for all intent been sidelined by the her family and contact with the children has stopped.

The school has changed its stance now is taking the line that my son is a threat to others as he came out on top when he was jumped by a couple of boys in the street. I am currently working on getting him into another school and hopefully we should have some news about the house in early april.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 17-Mar-13 16:46:18

OP just to echo Izzy, you must see a solicitor and get your paperwork in as a matter of urgency.

Changes to legal aid take effect from 01/04/13 and it is very likely that you will no longer be eligible for it, so that clock is ticking - it's vital you get a solicitor on board before this deadline

OneHandFlapping Sun 17-Mar-13 07:59:43

Dadwithbaby, I have just read your horrendous story, and I just wanted to wish you and your sons all the best for the future. You sound like an amazing dad.

Midwife99 Sun 17-Mar-13 07:16:49

That was good of you to apologise taneba smile

taneba Sat 16-Mar-13 22:06:15

oh no....

dadwithbaby, i apologize unreservedly for the distress my post must have caused - i expressed myself very badly. my concern was over the impact this narrative would have on your boys, not whether it was valid or not. i agree with you - it is absolutely not a debate. my point was - there is no "truth", just your truth and hers, and it is at best useless and at worst harmful to allow it to take centre stage. i feel that in these situations there is no right and wrong, no winners and losers - just losers and worse losers. i was only suggesting a shift in focus that would minimize the loss, especially for your kids.

in response to your hypothetical question about a symmetrical situation with genders reversed: no i wouldn't be calling the man a bastard... it's unhelpful and irrelevant.

i make no assumption, gender-based or otherwise, about you or your ex-wife other than the fact that you are both human, and therefore likely to respond in very human ways - obviously this did not come through, and i deeply regret this. i feel very guilty for having made you feel the need to defend yourself when you are going through so much.

as for assumptions... i just realized (from the responses) that you and others may be assuming i am a woman - which i am not. or that i have had no experiences that might inform a situation like this. (is it possible that some might assume a man is less qualified to comment?) - no no delete that, i could't survive another bunfightwink. but all this is also irrelevant.

i am really happy to hear that your conversations with your children are forward-looking and positive.

you won't see me for a while - for the time being, i am going to slink away and "develop some semblance of understanding and sound advice". i have learnt a great deal on this site, one of them being that if i ever wanted to put the fear of god in someone, i would threaten to unleash the local mumsnet brigade on them <rubbing bruises> grin.

again, please accept my sincerest apologies. i do wish you and your children all the very best!

dadwithbaby Sat 16-Mar-13 00:47:26

Izzy in many ways your probably right part of me did hope that she would see the error of her ways so to speak. Her finally leaving made everything oh so clear. The advice given here is sound and was tempered by my deluded hopes. I will not miss the legal aid boat and I'm fully aware that I haven't heard the last of her. The last few days have been consumed by caring for my boys half of which have come down ill.

Thankyou badtime for your post very informative and yes i probably have been fobbed off but no more thankyou.

Taneba where do i begin..... If i were to post my initial OP as a woman stating how my husband was saying how much he loved me sharing intimate moments and planning with me and the children what we were going to be doing ie holidays etc. Then a couple of days later has moved in with a younger woman and within weeks has left the country for a new life and left me alone with five children to raise.... you and many others would be saying what a bastard.

Its not a debate is it. I post what me and the boys experience lets get it straight she has abandoned her children and husband for a younger man and the dream of a new start in a sunny land. When i talk to the boys its all about us moving forward and improving life for us. The importance of their mother to them is not in question what is in question is their importance to her. I think i have toned down the emotional intensity as you call it. But I feel your assumptions are biased due to my gender which should be irrelevant. Men do not have the monopoly on being manipulative self serving bastards shock
The story i have to tell is not consuming me as I have five other priorities that consume both my time and thoughts.

Jux thanks xales thanks foot thanks midwife thanks

Izzy you are a wise sage and within the next few days i hope to post about a positive meeting with a solicitor in the meantime thankyou thanks

izzyizin Fri 15-Mar-13 18:15:52

Cheers for that badtime - you've imparted in one concise paragraph what took me an age to cobble together try and get over to dad in my seemingly endless ramble grin

STOP PREVARICATING - GET ON AND DO IT, DAD.

izzyizin Fri 15-Mar-13 18:09:48

Your ill-judged attempt to talk the talk, taneba, suggests that you've yet to walk it.

If you had trodden the path which dad and others have unwittingly found themselves on, I feel sure you'd be aware that 'toning down the emotional intensity' is an ideal which may take some time to achieve.

In the meantime, this board provides a secure place for those adversely affected by the unsuspected duplicity of a spouse/partner to vent out of sight and earshot of their dc.

If you had taken time to read this thread thoroughly it would not have escaped your attention that your assumptions, which imply dad is sounding off to his dc in the same manner as he feels free to do here when they're tucked up in bed, are as unfounded as they are insulting.

Come back when you have some semblance of understanding and sound advice to impart to those who are in shock and hurting badly. Or stick around in order to look and learn from the diverse tales on this board with the proviso that should you fail to discover that the collective wisdom of mumsnet is as empowering as it is inspiring, you don't give up the day job.

badtime Fri 15-Mar-13 17:56:39

OP, I work for a Legal Aid solicitor.
A solicitor will allow you to sign the Legal Help form without proof of means. They will then pursue information about your income. Unless you are on Income Support, income-related ESA or income-related JSA, a letter from the DWP or whatever won't do you any good anyway - just bring your bloody bank statement, and get to a solicitor as soon as possible. Don't be fobbed off.
You need to sign the form in the next two weeks or there will be no Legal Aid available. GO TO THE SOLICITOR AND SIGN THE FORM. STOP WASTING TIME.

Jux Fri 15-Mar-13 17:17:37

Asolutely. What's the point in even talking to someone if you're going to constantly think about what the other person (with whom you have no contact and who doesn't give a shit what you think anyway) might be thinking? Do you do that with your RL friends, taneba? When your best mate says her mum's been horrid do you jump up and down and wonder what her mum's side is? Wen your dh says his boss is a twat because of x, do you tell your dh that his boss must be thinking about things differently from dh?

I assume not, or you'd be Billy No-Mates, wouldn't you?

Midwife99 Fri 15-Mar-13 14:05:53

Agree with xales. We should take people's word for what they think happened & give support accordingly. Male or female. This guy has 5 kids, one with special health needs & a toddler. His ex has gone off with another man to live in Greece. He needs some support.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now