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i dont know what to do :(

(204 Posts)
dadwithbaby Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:32

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

izzyizin Tue 09-Apr-13 09:12:54

Would that be auburn locks or a P.Harry ginger style makeover, dad? grin

You have been down to the bottom. Shock and disbelief and the realisation of the extent to which you've been set up duped and deceived sent you spiralling down, but when you have dcs' needs to consider you have no option but to climb back up to the top and get on with it - and you've achieved this admirably.

In the process many of your feelings will have inevitably gone on hold and that's not a bad thing as while your stoking the fires on the home front the back burner, so to speak, is processing them.

It could be that you'll get 'eureka' moments where you realise that it is what is and there's a lot worse that could have happened, or you may find yourself overcome with grief at what you may feel you've lost.

But in nature, nothing is wasted - hold on to that thought; it's sustained me through sad, bad, and good times.

Jux Tue 09-Apr-13 18:08:40

Red?!!! <boggles!> fantastic dad! What a statement!

You do sound very much more together than you were. Redecorating the house as well as yourself is a great idea.

Of course you're going to have good days and bad days, and so are the boys, and they won't ever always coincide, but I suspect that the actual worst is over and you will all be climbing that hill over there, you know, the one with the bluebell wood at the top with the everlasting picnic....

Second that you ask the solicitor about the tenancy. Hope that goes OK.

Xales Tue 09-Apr-13 19:40:49

Not surprised she hasn't been in touch. Her visits before she left were nothing more than duty they weren't out of love, care or desire to see her children. It is literally a case of out of sight out of mind. Until she wants something (like confirming they still love and adore her for some reason) I don't think you will hear a thing.

And pfft to the red hair that is easy. Try pink, purple or blue wink

dadwithbaby Wed 01-May-13 00:32:29

Been busy redecorating the house and have almost finished just a few touches here and there to go.
Izzy no not ginger but a deep red bordering on purple wink

The boys are doing reasonably well considering still struggling with my troubled son and his indifference / internalized anger sad its slow progress with him but im not one to give up. His psychiatrist has decided to put him on anti psychotics which im not overly happy about but have researched the drug in question hmm

I have seen the solicitor and am receiving counsel in regards to divorcing her which apparently is going to be a pain in the rear but i'm doing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and at the moment residency issues i have to deal with myself but they will go over my work so to speak. Im unlikely to get residency as they go on the no ruling principal as they are not at risk and she isn't in the country confused So i have to apply for another order so she cant walk back in and take them
As for the house it still isn't ours confused im negotiating with the Housing association while preparing the appropriate orders just in case.

In the meantime dss had his 18th birthday not a card/gift/call from his mother.

Actually have heard from her 3 min phone call shock she is in total denial still of everything damn witch I have learnt that just before she left she took out 5 high interest payday loans giving our address/tel no etc. Learnt this from phones calls and checking a recent bank statement. Even when presented with the evidence just denial.

Physically and emotionally im drained those who we mutually know come up to me in total shock/disbelief at what she's done from what they know and have seen of us (cant say as would definitely out me in rl). As i point out you never really know someone ( 18 yrs ) I'm often asked would i take her back and i say no for what shes done to us. I dont believe she will come back and part of me hopes she doesn't as i always found it hard to say no to her sad.

It has been hard and as a family we are moving forward. Hopefully towards a better and brighter future smile

Thankyou for reading and commenting thanks

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