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would you date a transgendered man?

(481 Posts)
ecofreeek Thu 10-Jan-13 19:02:47

I am in my late 30's and single (divorced). Recently though work I met a man who seemed really nice. We flirted a bit and last weekend he asked me out for a drink. It went really well, nice snog! and we arranged to meet for dinner this week

At dinner he told me that basically he used to be a woman. He has had testosterone treatment for many years and both breasts removed and a hysterectomy. But not the surgery that makes a penis...

I really like him. But I'm a bit freaked out. I guess that's why he told me 'early' in our dating... I dont want any more children s thats not an issue... its the whole man thing - he looks like a man, acts like a man and I would never have guessed that biologically he is not a male...

the sex thing ....

would you date a transgendered man >?

DifferentNow Thu 10-Jan-13 20:06:29

I also agree with what Apocalypto said. Her post was not transphobic.

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 20:06:50

solidgold, is it the term "fat bird" that you find offensive, or the fact that the man does not feel sexually attracted to overweight women? Because lots don't. It's involuntary, isn't it, sexual preference?

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 20:06:58

I'm not even saying I wouldn't have sex with the person if I was attracted to them, SGB. Just that I know I couldn't sustain it as a longterm relationship because I'd miss, well, important elements of what I like too much. And as it sounds like this situation would be moving towards a longterm/serious relationship rather than a fling, I wouldn't go for it personally.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jan-13 20:07:21

I am not "hung up" PB, just because I don't agree with you.

Porkster Thu 10-Jan-13 20:08:54

No, I couldn't.

But if I liked him, I would hope we could be friends, anything more would not be an option.

LadyKinbote Thu 10-Jan-13 20:09:43

I think lots of people (wrongly) would run a mile on finding this out. The fact that you haven't proves that a) you're a nice person, and b) you are genuinely attracted to him. I think you should go on another date but be very honest that it's a lot to get your head around! He may have been hurt in the past so I think honesty is the best way to go.

drownangels Thu 10-Jan-13 20:10:09

I'd certainly rather date a transperson than a fucking bigoted, closed-minded, heteronormative mundane, any day.

I'd rather be by myself than date either.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jan-13 20:11:03

OP, you haven't answered my question

ecofreeek Thu 10-Jan-13 20:13:10

Actually the sex thing is just one of my issues...

I have 2 DD. now they are young and obviously wouldn't meet anyone I dated for a while. But what about later? what would I tell them? would they need to know ?

I know I'm over-thinking this somewhat.

I didn't really ask about his plans wrt gender reassignment surgery tbh. I have no idea is a penis reconstruction could ever be functional or not. Just to clarify he said he had had a hysterectomy and both ovaries removed.

Re previous relationships. I know he has had one - he mentioned an ex partner. I didn't really ask more - I guess I COULD ask about how it "worked", but that seems a bit crass - after all I wouldn't ask any other man that, would I ? and lovemaking is different with different people even with us who have always been vanilla PIV heteronorms ( or whatever SGB called me)

ecofreeek Thu 10-Jan-13 20:14:07

which one AF ?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 10-Jan-13 20:14:15

Greensleeves: It's the intention to be rude that I'd object to. If you don't want to sleep with someone, fine, don't. But why speak about not just the individual but the whole category of individuals the person belongs to in ignorant, rude, nasty terms?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 10-Jan-13 20:15:33

Ecofreek - I wasn't calling you anything at all! It's the 'waah, waah, mutilated woman, yuk, make it go away' people that I was having a go at.

Kione Thu 10-Jan-13 20:16:15

if I really liked him I could date him, yes. but not sure if I could have sex with another pussy, puts me a bit off thinking it. I think it would be different if he had the operation. But the again I am quite adventurous, so I would try after a few glases of wine yeah, if you really really like him it might be easy to get used to, also strap-ons can be quite realistic I am told...

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 20:17:09

Well there are two issues there SGB - in this instance, the reason for answering in the general rather than the particular is because that is what the thread title is asking for.

As to the ignorant and offensive - there has only been one of those on this thread, and I don't think it was only that poster that had you spraying lava and spouting about mundanes (haven't heard you calling people mundanes in months, I was just thinking that this morning and now you've spoiled it!)

chibi Thu 10-Jan-13 20:17:20

so, ok to not want to sleep with particular transman, bigoted and not ok to not want to sleep with any transman

really?

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jan-13 20:17:25

Sorry, OP, I missed your reply.

I think the fact you have had to namechange to even post on an anonymous forum should tell you what you need to know, tbh.

We don't know you, and we don't know your partner. Or do you mean that some mumsnetters know who you are in RL, under your usual name ?

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Thu 10-Jan-13 20:18:50

My first instinct was that the absence of a penis would put me off

but

if I was dating a man who I really fancied and he revealed that he had lost his penis in a horrific accident, or had a non-functioning penis, I think I would carry on the relationship. The sex may be amazing and open your eyes.

OP I wouldn't worry too much about who you would need to tell etc (I also project things too far into a theoretical future) I would see this as a private matter, no-one else would need to know, surely?

ecofreeek Thu 10-Jan-13 20:19:15

yes, I mean some other posters know me and my usual posting name.

But you may be right, ...

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 20:22:22

Maybe it isn't the absence of male genitalia but the presence of female genitalia that is the turnoff, for a heterosexual woman?

I do think we should be able to explore this without being accused of hate crimes or dismissed as mundanes.

MooncupGoddess Thu 10-Jan-13 20:22:59

I don't know, actually. It might be rather fun, androgynous people can be very attractive. It would absolutely depend on the individual, though.

He is brave - I had a boyfriend once who had previously invited an attractive woman on a date, on which she mentioned that she was a transsexual. He pretended to be going to the loo and made a runner for it... I really felt for the poor woman when he told me this story, which I expect is a common experience for trans people.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Thu 10-Jan-13 20:23:17

I think you need to be honest with him about your concerns, he has been honest with you. If you want to bring up the "how would sex work?" thing then just ask him honestly.

MooncupGoddess Thu 10-Jan-13 20:24:35

PS ecofreek - your DDs are bound to hear about transsexuality at some point, there are various films etc about it. I don't think that need be a massive deal if handled sensitively.

NomNomDePlumPudding Thu 10-Jan-13 20:25:51

i think you are overthinking it, op, discussing it with your dds is years away, if ever. do you want to sleep with him, even though you are unsettled by the strangeness, or has the strangeness overwhelmed your interest? because that's it for now, he may never have got past three dates even if he were born with the most functional penis imaginable.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Thu 10-Jan-13 20:28:42

I would date him if I fancied him but I'm not sure how much my opinion is worth as I like a very broad range of people. I do like my women to look like women though, when they are stripped off at least, and although probably about 90% of the sex I have with my DP (male) is not PIV then I still do like the fact that he has a cock. Sex with someone without a cock (I can only speak for women, never dated a trans man) is pretty awesome tbh, even with women who don't wear toys. I wouldn't worry about the sex thing at all, but it's hard to put yourself in the mindset of a hetero woman when you aren't one.

knitknack Thu 10-Jan-13 20:30:11

My gosh the ignorance displayed on this thread is SHOCKING! This isn't 'not hetero', this isn't 'a woman', this is a (by the sounds of it gorgeous!) man who happens to not have a penis - and that's exactly how you should approach it OP. Why don't you see how things go? I think his honesty with you is a large measure of his character, btw, he sounds amazing!!

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