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anyone ever felt like this ?

(48 Posts)
kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:24:33

is it possible to really love your dh but also hate him when both emotions are strong ? how do i kniow which is real ?

BertieBotts Thu 10-Jan-13 23:41:23

That's okay, keep posting here instead. The wonderful, strong, amazing women of mumsnet are here for you.

You say you would have left years ago if it wasn't for the children. Is that because of practical reasons, because you worry how you would cope with or provide for the children alone? Or is it that you don't want to break up the family? You know you have a right to be happy yourself? Don't underestimate how important that is, especially for the children.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:43:27

i did have child benefit til this week when mr cameron deceided to take it away !
it was my lifesaver. used it for kids shoes,clothes etc now going to have to ask dh to take me and kids to shops.

BertieBotts Thu 10-Jan-13 23:44:44

He sounds like he controls every aspect of your life sad Talking of which, are you safe posting here? Do you know how to delete history or use private/incognito browsing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:46:06

The CB is still being paid unless you specifically opted out.... did you do that or did your husband?

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:47:19

bertie, thank you. its all those reasons i think. this is all i know and if i won the lottery me and the kids would be gone. but i havent...the kids love their dad and so do i in many ways.
ive read posts on here and realize that in many ways im very lucky.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:51:25

"i wonder what life would be like with someone else"

Many women live fabulous independent lives. You don't have to be with this man or any other man to find out what life would be like. If you don't feel like the person you should be (and that makes a lot of sense) it's probably because your confidence is low, you feel trapped and you are unrecognisable from the woman who had a good job, money, friends etc. You could be that person again quite easily

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:52:57

our account did. said it would save problems next year. dont really understand just know im not getting it anymore sad
i am deleting. but he doest check my phone. he is controlling. in so many ways. spent the whole eveninv since posting going over my marriage, god what an idiot ive been. should have run a mile years ago ! i always find myself making excuses for him. he never feels bad for the things hes done, cause they are never his fault. i think i truly beleives that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:54:13

BTW... most kids love their dad. But one day they'll be off, grown, making lives of their own and you'll be sat in an empty house with just him and the restricted life he's allowing you to have. Don't know how old you are... early thirties?... but that could mean another fifty years. Worth thinking about.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 00:00:22

You aren't an idiot, Kelly. So many of us on here understand and have been there. All kinds of people can become victims of abuse, it's nothing to do with intelligence, or softness, or uselessness or any other negative thing. It is not your fault. We become conditioned to make excuses and believe it's our fault because abusers always find someone else to blame. It is hard, and confusing, and 15 years is a long time, but Cogito is right, you still have that person inside. It's just a case of finding someone who will be kind enough to let her out, and the likelihood is, that person is you.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 06:55:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Fri 11-Jan-13 07:24:56

kelly it's worth thinking about the example of parenting and adult/couple relationships he is setting to your children. You said earlier that you have thought before that your DHs parents may be the route of his behaviour now. Can you see that this will in all probability play out in the next generation. Your children will grow up thinking your situation is normal. I assume you have girls and boys. Would you want your daughters to be living like you are when they are adults? Would you want your sons treating their wives like he treats you?

I don't say that to make you feel bad - I understand your are so ground down with it all that you probably can't see the wood for the trees at this point. But just to consider that it would probably be better for your children to grow up free from the negative influence of his control in their day to day lives. As they grow older, he will want to control them in the same ways that he controls you. He will, and probably is already with his restrictions on you, stifle their childhood and teenage years.

There is help out there to achieve freedom for yourself and for them. Lots of kind and experienced MNers would help, you would probably discover that your old friends would make contact again if you got in touch, and neighbours and people locally (who may already have an idea of some of what is happening but feel they can't interefere) would probably help if you reached out to them.

Women's Aid are there to help people in exactly your situation. GP's, health visitors etc will all be able to support you and put you in touch with organisations who can offer further support, whether with housing, benefits, home support etc.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 10:59:27

Leclerc what a lovely thing that someone did that for you! That's amazing that you want to pay it forward. kelly please take Leclerc up on her kind offer.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 11:05:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 11:33:20

Definitely. I've passed mine on to a friend now who is suffering in an awful relationship sad It is an incredible book.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 11:38:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 11:39:04

They're pretty cheap on amazon IIRC smile I'd match your offer but I'm skint at the moment!

kellygreen Fri 11-Jan-13 21:26:25

oh ladies, i cannot beleive the kindness from complete strangers.
leclerc, you made me cry but also i feel so happy to know there is someone out there that cares and understands. i would love the book but the more i think of it i dont know how i would even hide it. i have very few things in the house and no space thats my own. my dh has my email and fb coming through to his mobile so the really is no privacy. i can do this as he doesnt know about mumsnet.
im not being defeatest but i really cant leave. regardless of the number of dc i have one of my daughters is seriously ill and theres just no way.
its amazing, for years i thought dh was one of a kind but it seems not.
you all inspire me though and my crappy evening feels so much better now. heard once that the worst lonliness, is lonliness is marriage.very true !

SkaffenAmtiskaw Fri 11-Jan-13 21:40:08

kelly, far from being one of a kind, you'll find that your H is following the same script as all abusive men. That's one of the things that the Bancroft book explains very well.

I wish I could help you, I can't believe how badly your H is treating you. Whereabouts in the country are you?

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 21:40:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 22:50:14

Sorry to hear about your DD sad I know what you mean about the loneliness of a lonely marriage - I wasn't even married to XP but it is so isolating.

Well in any case, you're not alone now.

springyhope Sat 12-Jan-13 01:54:00

I don't quite understand how you couldn't leave, as you're doing all the childcare on your own anyway - he's at work all the time.

What you describe sounds so frightening - you are completely controlled by him sad . You use words like 'allowed' and 'permission' sad sad . Please try to get along to the Freedom Programme . I've linked you to the page where you can search for a course near you. A lot of courses offer childcare - or just contact the course leaders who will find ways to support you.

Please keep posting. Many of us have been in your position and have got out, even though we couldn't possibly believe we could.

AgathaF Sat 12-Jan-13 17:42:47

kelly - are you near to a library? Could you use the computer facilities there to set up a confidential email address and just access it from there - as Leclerc said, a hotmail one, so that he doesn't know anything about it? Also, they may have some relevant books that you could read in the library and may be able to get the Bancroft book in for you - again you could read it in the library, rather than taking it home with you.

Please consider contacting WA for some advice and support. They won't put pressure on you to leave, but they are very experienced with supporting women in your situation.

kellygreen Sun 13-Jan-13 20:01:41

sorry i disapeared ! when dh is around i dont get chance to go on here. he never sits still which means i cant either !
thank you for all your advice. i phoned womans aid and they were very kind but said pretty much what i thought. given the number of dc and dd health i should stay put and get him out. there is no way he'd go !
i am determined to get that book though and shall be visiting the library in the morning.
i dont underestimate what this is doing to the dc but lifes complicated and im not making excuses but he wont leave, ive asked ! sad

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