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My Husband has lost his sex drive, talked, been swinging, what now?

(35 Posts)
Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 10:55:26

We have been together 11years, married 7. We are best friends. We spend most of the day together as my husband works from home.

My husband looks are porn which is absolutely fine with me. We have money problems which we have had for a few years but are slowly sorting.

I know my husband feels he is to blame for our money problems and feels a big pressure to provide for our family.

He is constantly tired. He is probably mildly depressed, but doesnt want to take pills.

We have been swinging before but just playing not having sex with other people, as we are both turned on by seeing each other playing with someone. This has ceased too.

The first 9 years we used to have sex at last 4 times a week. We rarely have sex now and I miss it! He is affectionate as far as holding my hand, touching my leg in the car etc.

I have spoken to him about how i feel, he just agrees that he should make more of a effort.

He makes a effort for about 2 weeks then it goes back to how it was.

It makes me cry, what can I do?

EmmaThorn Thu 07-Mar-13 09:12:48

I find that men are often drawn into "fantasy" worlds online, which are not real, but consist of chatting to "friends" on the PC to the point where you consider that you know them. People are much more open online, and men (in particular) feel more free and energised by their online relationships.
When you then go back to your normal real life, it will seem mundane and boring. Sexy chats online don't ever involve making the dinner, or doing the dishes or talking kids to school. I think you need to either get more involved in your DH's on-line life, so that you share it together, and he realises that you are not an alternative choice, but that you are part of his entire life. Otherwise I think you need to ween him off the online world, but that may prove more difficult and give impression that you're trying to control him. Try to join him. Good luck.

peteevans321 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:02:36

There are products in the market which help a person to gain back his sex drive. Ask your husband to look for testosterone supplement for men, which increases the drive and desire in men.

evar Wed 06-Feb-13 14:28:01

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cronullansw Sun 13-Jan-13 20:36:57

I reckon it's a combination of things, age, familiarity, being together 24/7, diet, exercise, smoking, work and stress.

He (well, virtually everyone really) should get off their arse and exercise every day, not lying in bed at 9am, but get up and go for a brisk walk at the very least.

Exercise will lower stress, reduce blood pressure and raise testosterone, which I think is probably a significant factor here.

And I do believe the op, I often watch porn, but don't wank to it. smile

ledkr Sat 12-Jan-13 08:25:43

I agree the porn is part if the issue. It's very unrealistic compared to rl sex but I went red faced to the dr re tiredness and they did done tests and there was a reason for it which they are now in the process of treating.
Defo start with the gp for the tiredness alone.

Floralnomad Sat 12-Jan-13 08:16:10

I think my comment is constructive actually , your husbands issues I.e lack of libido are very likely due to his unhealthy lifestyle which you by saying he is fit are not doing anything to help change.

Scarlettno1 Fri 11-Jan-13 19:10:39

Florainomad - gambling is a escape from reality, I realise this. I asked for help which I have received from previous posters. Your comment isn't constructive, but as everyone your are entitled to your opinion.

Floralnomad Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:12

OP sorry but your husband is not fit ! He smokes ,does no exercise ,doesn't eat regular meals ( no breakfast) and drinks lots of coffee. There is no way he is fit ,he may look ok but his lifestyle will eventually catch up with him . Thin does not = fit . Also to say you have money worries but both enjoy gambling just beggars belief!

Scarlettno1 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:46:56

Thank you your right!

dequoisagitil Fri 11-Jan-13 11:22:27

You've got to cut your cloth to what you can afford. It's all very well living in the short-term, thinking this bit of money and that bit of money won't make such a difference as you're so deep already (and hey you deserve some fun right?) but it is still in the back of your mind weighing you down.

It's a very superficial relief that quickly adds up to more debt and more need for 'treating' yourself. Spending, especially gambling, are self-medications that work against you if you're in the shit financially.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 22:48:52

It's a drop in the ocean mrscynical sad

mrscynical Thu 10-Jan-13 18:21:51

You say that your debts may be contributing to his depression, yet you say you both have fun gambling.


Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:54

Wow you hit the nail on the head he has a extremely addictive personality.

The only affair he could be having is online, I have checked what he is looking at before and it's harmless swinging sites.

He always messages people including me in the conversation. He is never secretly on the phone and is with me 24/7. We do go out and gamble i would say that is his latest addiction. We do socialise a bit and eat out a fair bit too, but gambling is more fun for us.

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 14:43:16

I wouldn't be sure either. In fact I'd probably be more likely to think that a combination of the swinging and the porn had made married, monogamous sex boring by comparison, which is why I asked who was more into it - you or him.

You say it was him and it's him who has gone off sex. It seems improbable that these issues aren't linked.

Your husband sounds like an addictive personality. Have you ruled out that his new addiction might be a secret affair? And that he might be re-enacting his cuckold fetish with a woman who's married?

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 14:31:39

He was more into it, that's only because I like to watch him play with another woman and that's a hard scenario to find. He likes watching me with another man.

I have asked him if he now finds (us) boring because of it and he says no not at all, but I'm not so sure.

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 14:14:27

Who was more into the swinging - you or him? Who wanted to give it up more - you or him?

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 13:55:33

dequoisagitil - i agree
Dahlen - I will make sure he see's a doctors first.
Im going away with my mum for a couple of weeks, cant wait so I think that will definately help, but i think only short termsad

Badinage - he doesnt watch many vid's just looks a pictures, i believe this doesnt have any effect on his life or our relationship as he has always done it all his life and never had any problems until now...

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 13:15:59

If he really uses porn but doesn't wank (and I'd be extremely sceptical about that) then it's still possible that he's just got desensitised to real-life sex because of what he watches.

People often seem to think porn props up a sex life that can't survive on its own merits, but so often it seems to have the effect of replacing it entirely, leading to sexual frustration for the other person in the relationship.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:58:40

TBH, if tiredness is the root of the problem and he won't give up smoking, won't exercise and won't do anything to improve his energy levels, you may as well accept he isn't going to change. You can't make him.

However, please don't let him start taking St John's Wort until he's seen a doctor. If he does have proper depression (as opposed to just feeling a bit low because of life pressures) it could make him worse.

On a more practical note, there's probably quite a lot you can do to inject some excitement back into your relationship. Spending all day, every day together, and most evenings slumped in front of the TV, isn't a recipe for passion. Try to spend more time apart, turn off the TV and talk/play a game/put some music and soft lighting on.

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 12:52:13

He was a late starter.confused

Only he can decide to give up and he'll only succeed if he really wants to quit, so I would just focus on insisting he gets checked out for any medical problems and treating any depression.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:46:54

He's is 50, im 45, i have tried to help him to give up, he started in his mid thirties and says he enjoys it too much.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:14:37

The biggest single thing he could do to improve his health, fitness, stamina, energy levels and libido would be to give up smoking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 12:13:54

Then someone who is getting plenty of sleep should not really be tired. Could be boredom, could be stress, could be depression, could be a nutritional deficiency, a thyroid problem or even diabetes.... plus lots more besides. It's worth getting checked ouy as a precaution. How old is he?

niceupthedance Thu 10-Jan-13 12:13:12

Is he a lot older than you? Could he have performance anxieties?

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:37

He does sleep well we normally go to sleep about 12-1pm after watching tv and wake about 9am however he would sleep for a good few hours more if he could?

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