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My Husband has lost his sex drive, talked, been swinging, what now?

(35 Posts)
Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 10:55:26

We have been together 11years, married 7. We are best friends. We spend most of the day together as my husband works from home.

My husband looks are porn which is absolutely fine with me. We have money problems which we have had for a few years but are slowly sorting.

I know my husband feels he is to blame for our money problems and feels a big pressure to provide for our family.

He is constantly tired. He is probably mildly depressed, but doesnt want to take pills.

We have been swinging before but just playing not having sex with other people, as we are both turned on by seeing each other playing with someone. This has ceased too.

The first 9 years we used to have sex at last 4 times a week. We rarely have sex now and I miss it! He is affectionate as far as holding my hand, touching my leg in the car etc.

I have spoken to him about how i feel, he just agrees that he should make more of a effort.

He makes a effort for about 2 weeks then it goes back to how it was.

It makes me cry, what can I do?

dequoisagitil Fri 11-Jan-13 11:22:27

You've got to cut your cloth to what you can afford. It's all very well living in the short-term, thinking this bit of money and that bit of money won't make such a difference as you're so deep already (and hey you deserve some fun right?) but it is still in the back of your mind weighing you down.

It's a very superficial relief that quickly adds up to more debt and more need for 'treating' yourself. Spending, especially gambling, are self-medications that work against you if you're in the shit financially.

Scarlettno1 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:46:56

Thank you your right!

Floralnomad Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:12

OP sorry but your husband is not fit ! He smokes ,does no exercise ,doesn't eat regular meals ( no breakfast) and drinks lots of coffee. There is no way he is fit ,he may look ok but his lifestyle will eventually catch up with him . Thin does not = fit . Also to say you have money worries but both enjoy gambling just beggars belief!

Scarlettno1 Fri 11-Jan-13 19:10:39

Florainomad - gambling is a escape from reality, I realise this. I asked for help which I have received from previous posters. Your comment isn't constructive, but as everyone your are entitled to your opinion.

Floralnomad Sat 12-Jan-13 08:16:10

I think my comment is constructive actually , your husbands issues I.e lack of libido are very likely due to his unhealthy lifestyle which you by saying he is fit are not doing anything to help change.

ledkr Sat 12-Jan-13 08:25:43

I agree the porn is part if the issue. It's very unrealistic compared to rl sex but I went red faced to the dr re tiredness and they did done tests and there was a reason for it which they are now in the process of treating.
Defo start with the gp for the tiredness alone.

cronullansw Sun 13-Jan-13 20:36:57

I reckon it's a combination of things, age, familiarity, being together 24/7, diet, exercise, smoking, work and stress.

He (well, virtually everyone really) should get off their arse and exercise every day, not lying in bed at 9am, but get up and go for a brisk walk at the very least.

Exercise will lower stress, reduce blood pressure and raise testosterone, which I think is probably a significant factor here.

And I do believe the op, I often watch porn, but don't wank to it. smile

evar Wed 06-Feb-13 14:28:01

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

peteevans321 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:02:36

There are products in the market which help a person to gain back his sex drive. Ask your husband to look for testosterone supplement for men, which increases the drive and desire in men.

EmmaThorn Thu 07-Mar-13 09:12:48

I find that men are often drawn into "fantasy" worlds online, which are not real, but consist of chatting to "friends" on the PC to the point where you consider that you know them. People are much more open online, and men (in particular) feel more free and energised by their online relationships.
When you then go back to your normal real life, it will seem mundane and boring. Sexy chats online don't ever involve making the dinner, or doing the dishes or talking kids to school. I think you need to either get more involved in your DH's on-line life, so that you share it together, and he realises that you are not an alternative choice, but that you are part of his entire life. Otherwise I think you need to ween him off the online world, but that may prove more difficult and give impression that you're trying to control him. Try to join him. Good luck.

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