Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My Husband has lost his sex drive, talked, been swinging, what now?

(35 Posts)
Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 10:55:26

We have been together 11years, married 7. We are best friends. We spend most of the day together as my husband works from home.

My husband looks are porn which is absolutely fine with me. We have money problems which we have had for a few years but are slowly sorting.

I know my husband feels he is to blame for our money problems and feels a big pressure to provide for our family.

He is constantly tired. He is probably mildly depressed, but doesnt want to take pills.

We have been swinging before but just playing not having sex with other people, as we are both turned on by seeing each other playing with someone. This has ceased too.

The first 9 years we used to have sex at last 4 times a week. We rarely have sex now and I miss it! He is affectionate as far as holding my hand, touching my leg in the car etc.

I have spoken to him about how i feel, he just agrees that he should make more of a effort.

He makes a effort for about 2 weeks then it goes back to how it was.

It makes me cry, what can I do?

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 11:02:22

Depression could cause him not to feel bothered to make the 'effort' sexually. He must have an interest in sex still to be looking at porn (and masturbating?) If masturbation & porn have replaced you sexually, it's no wonder you feel upset.

Medication is not the only answer that a GP could offer for depression. He may also have a medical issue that is causing the tiredness, although depression can also show through as lethargy. You need to insist he addresses his problem and ask him to see the GP if your relationship & self-esteem are to survive.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 11:10:35

He isnt masterbating, its a habit. Yes i think your right he need to address it with our GP.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 11:14:42

The link between porn consumption and loss of RL sex is well documented. Doesn't affect everyone, but in your H's case I'd definitely recommend he gives it up as the first step in trying to resurrect your sex life.

Depending on how you feel (do not do anything you find degrading or even uncomfortable), you could always try re-enacting together some of the porn scenarios he likes as a substitute.

Worth ruling out anything underlying the tiredness, so check with GP. Is he also eating a good diet and taking regular exercise?

Hope you improve things.

strumpetpumpkin Thu 10-Jan-13 11:21:39

maybe he would feel better about a natural supplement for his depression, such as 5HTP or st johns wort? Theyre both very good for mild depression. Both available from holland and barrett.

I would be inclined to just be patient and try and help him with his depression and make sure you keep up the intimacy and affection

ErikNorseman Thu 10-Jan-13 11:38:28

He watches porn but doesn't masturbate? Really??

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 11:54:38

Dahlen - hes fit, doesnt exercise never has done and isnt interested at all.
He doesnt eat breakfast, drinks lots of coffee, smokes (always has). Everyone who knows him would say he is a very happy, positive person.

He just likes looking at pictures of womens figures on the net always has done and never masturbates, sometimes we look together as I appreciate this too. Thank you..

Strumpetpumpkin - I did get him Ginkgo and Ginseng which he has been taking for 3 months now - doesnt seem to help, may try St Johns.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 11:55:09

From a base of four times a week what do you class as 'rarely'? In a long-term relationship it's often more about quality than quantity..

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 11:58:47

Approx - Once every 2 months.

He says that I worry too much. I am divorced and 1st husband left me for another woman and I suppose I am a bit paranoid about it happening again.

He says he is extremely happy with me, will never leave me and things are touch financially but will get on track soon. Its been 3 years!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 12:05:41

Then he should talk to someone about his chronic fatigue. Aside from the obvious 'lack of sleep', it can be symptomatic of all kinds of underlying conditions, including but not exclusively depression.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:37

He does sleep well we normally go to sleep about 12-1pm after watching tv and wake about 9am however he would sleep for a good few hours more if he could?

niceupthedance Thu 10-Jan-13 12:13:12

Is he a lot older than you? Could he have performance anxieties?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 12:13:54

Then someone who is getting plenty of sleep should not really be tired. Could be boredom, could be stress, could be depression, could be a nutritional deficiency, a thyroid problem or even diabetes.... plus lots more besides. It's worth getting checked ouy as a precaution. How old is he?

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:14:37

The biggest single thing he could do to improve his health, fitness, stamina, energy levels and libido would be to give up smoking.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:46:54

He's is 50, im 45, i have tried to help him to give up, he started in his mid thirties and says he enjoys it too much.

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 12:52:13

He was a late starter.confused

Only he can decide to give up and he'll only succeed if he really wants to quit, so I would just focus on insisting he gets checked out for any medical problems and treating any depression.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:58:40

TBH, if tiredness is the root of the problem and he won't give up smoking, won't exercise and won't do anything to improve his energy levels, you may as well accept he isn't going to change. You can't make him.

However, please don't let him start taking St John's Wort until he's seen a doctor. If he does have proper depression (as opposed to just feeling a bit low because of life pressures) it could make him worse.

On a more practical note, there's probably quite a lot you can do to inject some excitement back into your relationship. Spending all day, every day together, and most evenings slumped in front of the TV, isn't a recipe for passion. Try to spend more time apart, turn off the TV and talk/play a game/put some music and soft lighting on.

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 13:15:59

If he really uses porn but doesn't wank (and I'd be extremely sceptical about that) then it's still possible that he's just got desensitised to real-life sex because of what he watches.

People often seem to think porn props up a sex life that can't survive on its own merits, but so often it seems to have the effect of replacing it entirely, leading to sexual frustration for the other person in the relationship.

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 13:55:33

dequoisagitil - i agree
Dahlen - I will make sure he see's a doctors first.
Im going away with my mum for a couple of weeks, cant wait so I think that will definately help, but i think only short termsad

Badinage - he doesnt watch many vid's just looks a pictures, i believe this doesnt have any effect on his life or our relationship as he has always done it all his life and never had any problems until now...

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 14:14:27

Who was more into the swinging - you or him? Who wanted to give it up more - you or him?

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 14:31:39

He was more into it, that's only because I like to watch him play with another woman and that's a hard scenario to find. He likes watching me with another man.

I have asked him if he now finds (us) boring because of it and he says no not at all, but I'm not so sure.

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 14:43:16

I wouldn't be sure either. In fact I'd probably be more likely to think that a combination of the swinging and the porn had made married, monogamous sex boring by comparison, which is why I asked who was more into it - you or him.

You say it was him and it's him who has gone off sex. It seems improbable that these issues aren't linked.

Your husband sounds like an addictive personality. Have you ruled out that his new addiction might be a secret affair? And that he might be re-enacting his cuckold fetish with a woman who's married?

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:54

Wow you hit the nail on the head he has a extremely addictive personality.

The only affair he could be having is online, I have checked what he is looking at before and it's harmless swinging sites.

He always messages people including me in the conversation. He is never secretly on the phone and is with me 24/7. We do go out and gamble i would say that is his latest addiction. We do socialise a bit and eat out a fair bit too, but gambling is more fun for us.

mrscynical Thu 10-Jan-13 18:21:51

You say that your debts may be contributing to his depression, yet you say you both have fun gambling.

confused

Scarlettno1 Thu 10-Jan-13 22:48:52

It's a drop in the ocean mrscynical sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now