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Torn between wanting him here all the time and feeling a bit of a mug

(89 Posts)
ShannyS Thu 10-Jan-13 08:58:51

DP and I have had a very rocky time since the New Year to the point where we very nearly split up. At one point, I was absolutely convinced we were over. But we talked and he promised that he'd prove to me that he was 100% committed to our relationship.

Since then he's stayed at my house every night other than Saturday night (which is when he has his kids). I asked him during our argument where this staying over thing was going (as it's been gradually increasing as time went on) and wondered if he wanted to move in. He said he was happy as things were and he wanted to keep it the same for now. When he said this, he was staying over around 4 nights a week. Now it's 6 nights a week and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug. I mean, lets face it - he's practically living here without the responsibilty that comes with officially moving in somewhere.

I love him being here, love his company and don't begrudge it but when I'm feeding an extra person every night and more electric/water/gas etc is being used and my house is filling up with "bloke stuff" I can't help thinking he's taking his cake and eating it! Perfect set up really isn't it. Live somewhere 6 nights a week but don't make it official and avoid having to contribute.

He does loads around the house, loads of chores as well as DIY and he's great with my kids but I'm confused. I asked if he wanted to move in and he said no. Do I give him an ultimatum and say he either moves in properly or spends more nights at his own house or am I just biting off my nose to spite my face as I actually really enjoy him being here?

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 10:33:45

Could it be the time of year? It's only 10 days since New Year's Eve, so the 6-days-a-week pattern might not be typical of how it will be for the rest of the year. In my dating experience I always spent loads more time with a partner over Christmas holidays - like most days of it - whereas normal pattern of dating would be once every 7-10 days (busy).

IF this carries on, he is most definitely taking the piss and doesn't get to wriggle out of it because he's paid for some expensive luxuries, which although nice were neither solicited nor necessary. Food and utilities are essentials, and while he could just be generous about these things, lavish gift giving can be a technique used by manipulative types to duck responsibility in other areas and deflect attention from it.

Personally, I'd say tackle him about it dead on. If he's a decent, honest guy he may feel a little affronted initially but soon see where you're coming from and negotiate a solution to suit both of you. You'll set up a good precedent for mature communication between the two of you and the strength of your relationship will improve.

If you pussy foot around it, or don't challenge him about it all, resentment will build til you explode and ruin it anyway. Worse still, you'll carry on for years, always questioning his motives and commitment, possibly until something else happens to make you realise this man wasn't worth your effort or time.

If he is a cocklodger, far better to find out sooner rather than later. And if he isn't, then you'll save yourself weeks of angst.

NicknameTaken Thu 10-Jan-13 10:34:03

Rather than speculate endlessly about his motives, it seems to me that you need to have a honest conversation with him. "Listen, DP, I love having you here, but it's creating some financial hardship for me. Can we figure out what to do about it?" His reaction will tell you everything - he'll either be horrified and take immediate steps to contribute (and you need to make sure this doesn't peter out very quickly) or he'll either bluster on about the US trip and his financial woes etc. If the latter, he fundamentally doesn't care about your wellbeing and he isn't a keeper.

NicknameTaken Thu 10-Jan-13 10:34:45

x post.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 10:37:22

"Ok it's not a GF BF relation but even so, it is a reflection on YOU and your insecurities to interpret these few words in a negative manner. "

So it's all the OP's imagination? She's just a hysterical, insecure woman that takes offence at the slightest thing? hmm I don't think so.

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:02:24

garlic: They aren't assumptions. These are views expressed in past posts both here in Relationships and in AIBU.

What purpose does this serve? Well, it's to highlight the double standards of many of the women here. I mean, the response to my pointing out that the guy, by the OPs own admission, does a lot of chores around the house was big fucking deal. But then the sock washing has yielded crys to dump the free loader.

Shock horror disgust at him expecting his socks to be washed. Big fucking deal if he does chores around the house. But don't let double standards get in the way of your 'advice'

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 11:07:36

I wouldn't wash the socks (or clothes) of any man I was dating. He can take them back home with him thanks. I am not a laundry service. You wouldn't leave your dirty socks at a friend's house or a hotel and expect to have them clean and ready when you next go there.

Also, the trouble with washing a date's dirty clothes is the precedent it sets. LEt's face it, picking up a pair of socks and chucking them in the washing machine with your own laundry is hardly onerous or a big deal. But, it then creeps up, and before you know it, all the laundry has become your job if you then move in together. This is fine if you've had a mature discussion about who's doing what chores to make sure the division of domestic labour is fair, but most couples don't, it just evolves. And it usually evolves with the female partner doing more.

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 11:09:13

Chores like cooking or washing up after a meal a guest might naturally do. I'd expect a guest to take their washing home with them, however.

Doing his laundry represents living-together chores to me.

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:12:35

Cogito: What is there to take offense at? That is my point.

We had a part time nanny that worked for and for an old people's home. She has a workshy BF that lived with her and spent her money. THAT, to me, is a cockloader.

Ok the guy being there increases the food bill but come on, unless the BF sits in a room that would otherwise go unlit or unheated, how does his presence greatly increase the utility bills?

If the OP was on benefits or low income then I accept that the BF should directly contribute, considering that he is in a well paid job. But that isn't what the OP is saying

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jan-13 11:16:49

'I'm younger than my brother by 14 years with the result that I am older than his DS, my nephew, by only 10 years. I often say things like what the BF said to my now adult nephew.'

I'm much older than my now adult niece. I don't say patronising shite like this to her because she's an adult and I respect her. Saying things like this is patronising and arrogant, no matter what the relationship. Most adults realise that.

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jan-13 11:17:57

'She has a workshy BF that lived with her and spent her money. THAT, to me, is a cockloader.'

But not someone who lives for free at another person's house 6 days/week.

Hey, there's one born every minute, I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 11:18:05

@TotallyBS... (and never was a username more apt).... It's the principle of the thing. Someone who is effectively treating a place as home six days a week should be offering to make a contribution to the household out of politeness, even if it's subsequently turned down. It's the fact that it is not being offered and the OP seems too nervous to even bring it up that points to the relationship being very unequal.

But men like you never really get that...

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 11:18:11

It's surprising how much difference another person''s presence makes - twice as much use of shower/bath/toilet makes a noticeable impact on gas/electricity and water (if metered). Also toilet rolls go down twice as quickly, more towels are used, requiring washing (more gas/electricity/water), etc.

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:24:37

Old people I meet in the streets call me 'love'. The lady in the staff canteen calls me 'love'. Last Saturday a veg market trader called me 'love'. I have even been called 'cockles' (I've no idea what that is about). It reminds me of a thread some months ago where the general consensus was that being called 'love' was patronizing.

The things people consider to be patronizing [roll eyes]

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jan-13 11:26:16

Like I said, there's one born every minute, OP.

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:32:01

Dahlen: The point I am trying to make is that the guy contributes but not financially.

I can understand the cockloader comments if he came round just to drop off dirty laundry and to drink beer while watching football. But that isn't what is happening.

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:44:05

@cogito: I say again, I like the - big fucking deal that he does lots of chores about the house and is taking her to the US and has bought her a new camera for the trip. The cockloader should buy toilet rolls smile

TotallyBS Thu 10-Jan-13 11:55:15

Cogito: I love your assumption that I must be a guy. I mean, I can't be a woman AND think that you are.bunch of emotionally challenged women grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 11:56:10

No I don't think you are a woman.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 10-Jan-13 12:12:52

YOU AGAIN?!?! head explodes.

How many threads are you going to post, endlessly getting the same advice and totally ignoring it, then disappearing when someone clicks who you are?

This must be the 30th odd one? I really am at a loss to what you get out of this and you clearly have issues but you are a heyooge waste of the people's time that bother to post and try and help you every single time.

Weren't all your posts reported before Xmas? Looks like it's time to start reporting all your threads again.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:17:48

You can't wipe your arse on a camera though, can you. Though I suppose she could smuggle back toilet rolls from the US hotel in her luggage.

izzyizin Thu 10-Jan-13 12:19:20

You don't want to pressure him as maybe he's just spending so much time here as he's trying to work out how we get on full time before taking the plunge? maybe he's gearing up to asking to move in?

He's told you he doesn't to move in with you and why should he want to change the status quo when he's able to keep you sweet by dispsensing largesse when it suits him?

It's probable that you'll be in exactly the same situation in a year or 5's time. Are you content with this prospect?

izzyizin Thu 10-Jan-13 12:21:29

I'd far rather be emotionally challenged than intellectually challenged like your good self TotallyBS grin

izzyizin Thu 10-Jan-13 12:22:39

Is this who I think you may be referring to Pam?

Have you met his dm, OP?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 10-Jan-13 12:26:43

izzyizin, yes the one and only.

Let's see;
Ten year age gap
Won't let her meet his kids or mother
Doesn't want sex or can't finish
Falls asleep in front of the tv every night
Keeps blowing hot and cold about moving in/booking holidays
And on and on and on

BINGO!!

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 10-Jan-13 12:28:25

And now she will disappear in a puff of smoke before starting a new thread under a diff name.

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