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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Advice please...

20 replies

buzbee1234 · 09/01/2013 17:41

Hi
I have been looking and reading on here for a while and just wanted some advice.

I am engaged and getting married this year. I don't know if I am just feeling fed up as I've been in an accident but I don't feel happy.

I have been in a really bad relationship was very violent and controlling so my fiancé now is lovely such a sweet guy but he just never wants to sleep with me. We are early thirties and to start with it was ok but now unless I make the first moves nothing happens. I have tried speaking to him but it ends in a row as he thinks once a week is fine.. Ok it is but when we do he makes no effort it's very much me on top get it over and done with. There is hardly any build up unless I do things for him...!!
I just want to feel wanted and fancied I always make an effort but even going to bed in the nicest underwear or naked does nothing! He has been in long term relationships before so I don't know what to think...

He tells me he loves me everyday and we do get on so well but sex is a big deal to me.

He is very protective of his phone and I have caught him a few times in the past texting other girls but deleting the messages. A few times I have seen them and they are harmless but he still deletes. We had a big argument a few months ago about this and he promised not to do it again but then I saw just the other day he had done it again.

I have no idea what to think or do!!x

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 17:53

OMG!!!! What to think or do!!!!! Hmm.... let's see.... Don't marry him?

susanann · 09/01/2013 18:03

Hi buzbee I had 2 thoughts about your problems. Firstly I thought perhaps he is inexperienced sexually and/or has low sex drive. I appreciate that you want to feel wanted and fancied, nothing wrong with that. But im more concerned by your last paragraph re the texting. He promised not to do it again but he has.
Does he know that youre aware of this latest message? I think you need to have a very serious discussion with him about this. It may be innocent but the fact that hes doing it behind your back, esp after he promised to stop is ringing alarm bells. Do you actually feel like you can trust him? I would find it very hard to do so now. Which begs the question do you really want to marry him? A difficult decision has to be made.

buzbee1234 · 09/01/2013 18:07

Thanks guys
I thought the same thing re sex but I feel like my confidence has been knocked that I'm finding it hard to suggest new things. I have said a few things in a jokey way to see what reaction but nothing.

The text messages no he doesn't know i looked the other day and the message was to an old friend and spoke about me and her new baby!! It was so harmless and I'm really not a jealous type so it's not to stop a row! It really is so stupid but I can't help thinking if he can delete silly messages that doesn't matter what else can he hide?!

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 18:11

I was with a man like that, being left sexually frustrated and unwanted was not a nice feeling.

Numberlock · 09/01/2013 18:15

How long were you single between the abusive relationship and this one?

susanann · 09/01/2013 18:18

Are there any other issues/problems? Also if sex is important to you you should talk about this before you get married.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2013 18:20

Are you labouring under the false impression that marrying this guy will magically dissolve your dysfunctional sexual relationship ?

Think again

dequoisagitil · 09/01/2013 18:25

I would definitely postpone the wedding - getting married will not 'fix' the issues you have.

Have you read any of the threads where one partner is unhappy with their sexlife and feels rejected & ugly, and this has been going on for years? Well, that could be you (and already is, to some extent).

Added to that, the secretive texting of other women?

It doesn't add up to a happy future together. You could try getting some relationship counselling. Do not marry while things are like this, more commitment is not a cure.

susanann · 09/01/2013 18:32

well said dequoisagitil

buzbee1234 · 09/01/2013 19:04

Thanks so much

I was with my abusive ex 5 years ago and I do think its a life sentence in my head but I've had years of counseling so I feel ok.

I don't think getting married will be a fix I think we get on and I feel safe is not aging sex something I have to accept? Is it normal? I really don't know how to bring it up again he gets so defensive. It makes me wonder if previous gf's have said the same!?

The texting is so stupid no one would ever get upset or jealous over the messages I have seen so why delete!!

I'm so confused...

OP posts:

GirlOutNumbered · 09/01/2013 19:11

The problem won't stop when you are married. You really need to ask yourself if you can live with it and if you can't, you need to think about not getting married. It's hard, but for the best.

dequoisagitil · 09/01/2013 19:17

You need to be able to talk about things, and if you can't talk about sex without rowing, you're heading for trouble.

Do you really want to spend your life always making the first move, always doing it the same way, him making no effort to please you? Is it sustainable? Does it make you feel good and wanted? It's easy to fall into a pattern in a long-term relationship, but what you describe is worse than that.

Is safe enough?

Although I have doubts about how safe your self-esteem will be in his hands, given his apparent disinterest in you sexually.

While you may not have seen any flirty messages, who are these women? Why is he texting them? What does he get out of it and why the secrecy? There's something off there.

buzbee1234 · 09/01/2013 19:23

Dequoisagitil you give great advice..

How should I bring this up again? I want an honest open relationship but this just seems a grey area..!!x

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 09/01/2013 19:32

I think you sit him down and say these two major issues need to be resolved before the wedding. If he won't hear you out and agree to work through what's making you unhappy, perhaps with relationship counselling, then I'd rethink the relationship altogether.

buzbee1234 · 09/01/2013 19:53

Ok thanks so much it's been good to get it off my chest as you can see I'm not the best!!xx

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2013 22:24

I disagree, actually. I think you see someone for a while, learn what they're like and if you don't like what you see (and I wouldn't like what you're seeing, OP) then you leave them and find someone where you will like what you see.

You can't change someone. You can't make someone want to have sex with you more often. You can't stop someone from texting other girls. You just can't.

Numberlock · 10/01/2013 07:57

I really don't understand the advice on this thread. Relationship counselling before getting married??? This should be a happy time, planning the wedding/hen night/looking forward to your future life together. Certainly not this:

he just never wants to sleep with me

Is this in itself not a deal breaker?

Never mind this?

He is very protective of his phone and I have caught him a few times in the past texting other girls but deleting the messages

100% agree with Imperial. Cancel the wedding, end the relationship, spend some time being single and see what the future brings, relationship-wise.

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:57

I presumed they were living together, so felt it would be more palatable to the OP to try something like counselling rather than LTB. (I do think LTB is the right answer, however).

I rather suspect that the OP will find her man very resistant to even talking through what's going wrong, and hope she will realise that this'll be her life if she sticks with him.

mummytime · 10/01/2013 10:13

Apart from the texting to other girls I wondered if he is Gay and in denial?

I would be seriously be reconsidering marriage to him, sorry.

izzyizin · 10/01/2013 10:20

It's not so long ago that priests dispensed a form of relationship counselling as a requirement prior to marriage and I believe some continue to undertake this service.

Marriage is not about the distraction of the big day and it seems to me that if more couples availed themselves of counselling before tying the knot, they'd have less problems after.

The type of sexual incompatability you have described, buzbee, will gradually erode your self-esteem and sense of self-worth if it is not addressed before you wed, and you would be ill-advised to marry this man if it is not resolved prior to the date you have set aside for your nuptials.

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