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UPDATE: I've packed up his stuff! And now I'm pregnant.

(111 Posts)
tzella Wed 09-Jan-13 11:57:10

This is the previous thread This is a light-hearted and fun thread and I really enjoyed it, and thanks to all who posted. I didn't list all the things he'd done but they included giving me two black eyes, restricting my social life and trying to restrict my work plus expecting me to pay for everything and do all the cooking and housework.

So, the relationship is over and I feel 100% positive about that. My further troubles are nothing to do with him. My first thoughts about him in regards to this are negative; I won't tell him and I will never set eyes on him again, if I can help it. I have to be honest and say I'm scared of him.

Onwards to this morning. My period is late, I'm very regular so I POAS and I'm pregnant. I want to talk about this.

I'm 38 and have never consciously wanted a child but this is probably my last chance. I got pregnant 10 years ago (in the dying embers of a relationship then too hmm) and there was no question that I wanted to terminate and I did. I don't have the same sureness about terminating this time. How do I make the decision?

AppearingDignified Wed 09-Jan-13 17:29:06

This is the type of scenario your very recent ex will have been praying for. In all the excitement of discovering your pregnancy you must consider that your life will be forever entwined. Maybe not right now but you must be prepared for it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 17:39:07

If OP decides to have the baby, he would probably only get supervised access at a contact centre, also if she stated her fears over his abuse, that might help the case.

But OP if you have this baby, and you eventually, inform him of it, the be ready to tell him, its about the baby only, or if ya want lie and say its not his.

lalalonglegs Wed 09-Jan-13 18:14:02

Couldn't the OP save herself a lot of problems by tipping off Border Control and having her ex deported?

Good luck with your decision, tzella.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 18:17:46

Hi Tzella.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. I found relationships recently and received a lot of support here but frankly I'm shocked and disturbed by some of the responses here.

The poster who claims her son has turned out like his father? Sorry but awful, just awful. And noone here should be advising you whether to have a termination (or not to) or who to have a baby with.

Of course the ideal situation to have a child should be in a loving relationship, but ultimately the decision is whether you want to continue with this pregnancy and go on to have a child.

I can tell you about my experience that is my ds father was violent to me and abusive, controlling. I left him and have made a real go at parenthood. I won't pretend it's perfect or easy all of the time. But for me it was the best thing I ever did, I'm a good mum and ds has turned out to be a lovely, well behaved, kind, clever and pleasant child. And I find parenting very rewarding.

I can also tell you that my older sister was in a similiar situation (violent ex partner), her son is now an adult and is absolutely nothing like his father and a fantastic young man. So I definitely believe in nurture over nature.

I've also had a termination, it's not an easy decision or a pleasant experience but it's not as horrific as some people think and if that's what you choose you should not feel guilty as it's your choice.

Both my sister and I have both made a success of parenting without any involvement from the father. And we've both gone on to have further relationships my sister is now happily married, but of course being a single parent is very restricting.

There a things to think about such as your financial situation and support network. If you want to pm me I can tell you about my experiences because there's a lot to consider and things that you probably haven't and won't even consider.

Take care though and take it easy, make sure you get yourself to the GP.

colditz Wed 09-Jan-13 18:25:23

He'd get supervised access at a contact centre until he showed them he's not actually hitting the baby, and then he'd get unsupervised access in a place of his choice.

Being abusive to the child's mother is no guarantee whatsoever that the father won't get 50/50 parenting rights.

If he has outstayed his visa, he will fall upon this pregnancy slobbering with glee. He will be demanding access from day one, even if he gets some other poor sucker to do the actual care.

Op, I would not do this, not at all. Being a single parent is very hard, and if you've got dick head genetics in there, it's even hard. If I were you, I would terminate this pregnancy then go to a sperm bank if I decided I DID want a baby.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 18:31:02

I really don't think it's helpful for people to be speculating on what 'could' happen with the 'father'. He doesn't even know she's pregnant, he doesn't have to know necessarily there are ways around that.

None of us here know the law or tzellas situation well enough to say what could or would happen.

If I'd listened to people I'd have terminated ds, enough people wanted me to, speculating on the worst. As it turns out I've been very well protected by the law.

You simply cannot say to someone 'I think that you should end this pregnancy' that decision has to come from within themselves.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 18:35:13

Well, its down to the OP to decide, her future, i certainly wouldnt bring up abortion, thats her choice alone, its just a shame, this twat will find out eventually, hope he dont tho.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 18:38:57

Op, I would not do this, not at all. Being a single parent is very hard, and if you've got dick head genetics in there, it's even hard. If I were you, I would terminate this pregnancy then go to a sperm bank if I decided I DID want a baby.

I'm sorry but what? Dickhead genetics? That is the most crazy thing I've ever heard in my life. You're basically writing off every child with a bad parent there. So all of those children who are adopted, all those with absent parents.

Usually people turn out to be dickheads because there was something lacking in their own childhood early on. So it's not too difficult to break the cycle. I also resent people saying that being a single parent is hard. It 'can' be hard, but it isn't for everyone.

girliefriend Wed 09-Jan-13 18:39:24

Oh my goodness am quite depressed to read the above posts sad if I were you I would definately have the baby 100% at 38 this may well be your last chance.

When I found myself pregnant and the father had already buggered off a good friend said to me if I terminated I would regret it whereas if I kept the baby I would have no regrets - this is so true.

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 18:46:02

FWIW, I didn't 'research' your earlier threads of last year, tzella, and the penny only dropped when you mentioned he'd given you 2 black eyes.

Your thread last summer stayed in my memory bank because it's one that caused me to bang my head on the table despair that many m/netters appear to labour under the misapprehension that one call to the police will ensure a violent twunt who's used his fists on a woman will be speedily arrested, banged up in a cell, and not let out until it is deemed that the his victim will be safe from further harm.

As your experience demonstrated, policing in dv cases can fall far short of the lavish promises made on numerous regional police authority websites, and sheer and crass ineptitude lack of joined up thinking on the part of the Metropolitan Police allowed yet another visa overstayer/failed asylum seeker, who had come their attention due to an allegation that he had committed a criminal offence involving the use of violence, to remain at large and, as I understand it, some 6 or more months after the incident he is yet to be brought to account despite having returned to your home and to your bed.

I didn't make the connection earlier because it didn't occur to me that you'd be such a glutton for punishment renege on your assertion that, having learned a lesson the hard way, you intended to have no further dealings with the man who had so violently assaulted you.

Should you decide to proceed with this pg, you may resolve to move home/do what it takes to ensure he remains unaware of your condition but my fear is that, once you experience the selective amnesia which can accompany pg, your thoughts will turn to how cosy it would be if he was around to share your experience of giving birth.

You've said that you are used to being fucking brave and stupidly independent. Tempted as I am to rearrange your words, I will simply say that any child of a violent, abusive, and controlling man, stands little chance of experiencing a childhood free of fear.

Your alleged bravery was insufficient to protect you from physical and other abuse at the hands of this man. What guarantee can you give that it will be sufficient to protect a child of your union with him?

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 18:49:16

I think you need to look at things such as;

How would you feel about having this baby and not telling him or involving him in any way.

Is there any possibility of you moving so he won't find out/does he stalk your house?

Do you own/rent?

Would your job allow you maternity leave/to come back after the baby was born?

If so looking at what benefits you could also claim could you afford it?

How do you feel about putting young children into childcare so that you can work?

How would you feel if you did have a termination and the possibility that you may not have any children at all?

How will you cope with having a child who has no father around/answering the awkward questions?

Do you have a reliable support network because you will need some kind of support?

colditz Wed 09-Jan-13 18:50:06

It is for a lot of people, and as a single parent to two boys, whose dad is a bit of a dick, and one of whom has special needs, let me tell you it is no walk in the freaking park.

Life is very very hard sometimes. I have some good friends and sometimes my family help in a small way, but the only person who has an obligation to a single parents child is that single parent, even when you have flu, even if you have shingles, Even when you have a broken shoulder, even if you have cancer. Always, on you own, and quite possibly with no respite at all.

At its best, it can be easy and fun and delightful, but it's worst is much worse that you could imagine.

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 19:00:15

I'm very pleased to read that you've been 'very well protected by the law' sparkly, but from numerous posts on this board it would appear that others have not been so lucky.

May I assume that your dc's father is a UK citizen, and that you have not experienced the determination that can manifest in a father who has overstayed his visa and wishes to remain in this country and who may not share the mother of his child's religious or cultural beliefs?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jan-13 19:06:52

If for a minute you ignore the major conplication of her ex, if OP had said she'd longed for a baby, had ttc for years, people would still say, there's lots to consider before embarking on single parenthood.

At 38, a surprise pregnancy and the nature of her very recently ended relationship, there may not be a lot of responses urging OP to just jump in and do it regardless.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:41

Colditz and Izzy, reading your further posts I can I don't know, see your points more?

Perhaps I am seeing things through my own rose coloured specs. Yes my ex was perhaps not as determined/difficult to 'get rid of', perhaps because he did actually fear the law was why I was better protected? But I am and was also fiercly protective of my ds once he was born and made the decision not to let the man back into our lives in any way.

Something about advising someone to have a termination doesn't sit right with me, I'm completely pro choice but I would not like to influence someone.

Although I have a feeling which way the op will go as there is such a lot to think about and these are not good times to be going into single parenthood.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 19:15:48

I think it is disgraceful how people think a pregnancy shoud be hidden from the father yet I suspect they also think fathers should pay for their kids. What about the child? IME a child knowing who their father is is very very important, even if their is no relationship.

OP, my opinion on what you should do is irrelevant but be very sure about your decision and think about every possibly consequence before you make a final decision.

garlicbollocks Wed 09-Jan-13 19:29:42

Don't be daft, JustFabulous, nobody could hide the paternity of a child and simultaneously seek maintenance, could they? I hear the sound of an axe grinding!

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 19:34:15

Nope, no axe grinding from me and I am not daft.

I was clearly talking about 2 different situations.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 19:37:23

JustFabulous, the thing is though, if there is a risk to the mother and babys safety. It IS best not to tell.

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 19:48:43

There are numerous threads on this board about abusive and controlling men who believe they are above the law, sparkly, and fact is that the justice system rarely acts to rapidly disabuse them of this notion.

It's fortunate that, having decided you weren't going to let your ex back into your lives in any way, your ex has not seen fit to challenge your decision because, if he were to, it is virtually inevitable that, as colditz has said, he will granted access to/contact with his ds.

As for your not wishing to 'influence someone', this board is an internet forum where advice is sought and all OPs are free to accept or reject, or otherwise ignore, any responses to their threads.

In such a decision as this matter requires, ultimately tzella will choose to do what she wishes and this may, nor may not, be in accordance with any of the various views expressed here.

TheFollyfootandtheivy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:55:05

Having a dc by a man who's beaten you, abused you financially, and treated you like a skivvy, is a recipe for disaster.

On the other hand, maybe the child might grow up to be a fantastic human being.... I wouldnt call my DD a recipe for disaster (and nor would anyone else who knows her), yet her father turned out to be all of those things.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 19:57:48

TheFolly - the issue is the safety of the child once the abusive father discovers their existence, it isn't all about genetics.

Anyway, I feel this isn't the thread for me so I wish the OP lots of luck for the future.

Bubblegum78 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:59:04

You should only make your decision based on one thing:

DO YOU WANT A BABY?

Do not do it beccause it's your last chance or because of relationship worries.

You CAN lose weight safely whilst pregnant, I did it.

As a single parent you will have tough times and it will impact on your finances, but in saying that, most single mum's are better off financially as they are entitled to help with rent/council tax/child care so you won't be that badly off.

I was a single parent with my 1st DD. I had all of the help I mentioned financially, I utilised child care so I could stay at work and if you need a babysitter there is a UK babysitting/childcare website, google it.

Your life will change but it depends on your attitude, I took the attitude that my child would fit in with my life, not the other way around and that's what I did.

Having a baby is not the end of life as you know it and you will have someone who loves and adores you for the rest of your life.

Will it be easy? No. But it's not the end of the world either.

If you are more inclined not to want a baby, then don't do it.

I think you should take 2 weeks to make your decision as you will change your mind endlessly.

Good luck. x

TheFollyfootandtheivy Wed 09-Jan-13 20:03:11

I know that justfabulous, probably more than you realise.

bumhead Wed 09-Jan-13 20:05:27

Tzella are you ok?
Your head must be spinning with these responses.
Just take your time and give yourself a bit of space to decide what you want to do. x

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