dealt with my mum, now my OH is fed up

[sonearsofar]

I posted recently about my mum talking to my husband about how our daughter (whose boyfriend is still suffering from the effects of a recent accident) won't be getting any sex, and it was a good job that they weren't married so she could move on, as sex was important to her (all made up stuff). He put down the phone. She called me, I said something along the lines of 'that's not appropriate' and she said 'oh, I'm v. sorry, and hung up on me'.
Anyway, I have not been on especially good terms with my mum for ages (we rub along) and I thought the mature thing to do would be to ring her, and try and build some bridges by saying I love her (which I haven't for years) and take her out to lunch. So I did that today and it went OK.
So, I get home and my husband is angry because a) she hasn't apologised to him and b) he feels she was attention seeking and I gave her what she wanted.
I'm sure that's partly true, but I'm only trying to do the right thing. I'm sorry if it all sounds very petty, but I'm trying to move on and try and get a reasonable relationship with my mum (without being a doormat) and he won't accept that. So, please let me know if I'm wrong, or misguided, as I'm feeling very lost.

[dequoisagitil]

Maybe you should have discussed what you were going to do before going ahead? IIRC it was him that took the offending phonecall?

I don't think you're wrong to want to build bridges, but I'd want dh to be on-side.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think your first mistake was not to tell your mum that she should apologise, not just to you, but to DH as well. Your second mistake was to organise the bridge-building exercise without talking to DH first. What she said really was offensive and, from his perspective, you've gone behind his back and rushed straight on to absolution, leaving him out of the loop completely.

From here I would play it that you're going to take the opportunity of lunch to tell your mum face to face that DH is very upset. Acknowledge his feelings.

[izzyizin]

If anyone has the right to be upset at your dm's remarks, it's your dd and her boyfriend.

Given that your dd is old enough to live with her bf, I assume that your dh has had many years to become aware that your dm is a pita who doesn't engage her brain before opening her mouth and, that being the case, I can't see any reason why he should be getting his yfronts in a twist demanding an apology from her, or castigating you for having lunch with her.

Overall, it sounds as if you're piggy in the middle of two equally attention seeking demanding and unreasonable souls. What did you do in a past life to warrant this?

[sonearsofar]

thank you all for your responses. I can see that I should have talked in more detail with my OH about what I was going to do, but, after years of not confronting my mum for the stuff that she says, just plunged in and called her to arrange it . My husband wanted me to ask her for her motivation, but I couldn't see the point (and told him so), she just has a totally skewed view of what is appropriate. I thought it would be enough to tell her that I didn't want her to do it again, but obviously not.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's going too far to ask for 'motivation'. An apology should be enough without expecting someone to rake up all the details of why they said what they said. I find that people are more often thoughtless than malicious when being offensive. But you said originally that you started with 'I love you'... and that's not really confronting someone.

It's always difficult when the offender is one person's parent and not the other's. You are able to brush it off as inappropriate and move along quickly because parents/DCs tend to make allowances for each other and the 'I love you' is understood. Your DH doesn't have that connection so can't do that so easily. That's why she still needs to apologise to him

[izzyizin]

In an ideal world your oh should apologise to your dm for hanging up the phone on her which will, in turn, give her opportunity to apologise to him for her misguided ravings remarks.

If he can be that rude to his mil, surely he could have told her that voicing such views to him about her dgd's sex life was insensitive to the point of being offensive or have simply changed the subject, or handed the phone to you while he went outside to vent?

As for him wanting to know your dm's motivation, after umpteen years of marriage I would have thought he'd worked out that she is as she is and, no matter how often he puts the phone down on her, she's unlikely to change her ways.

Is he a model of rectitude and social decorum who never speaks out of turn?