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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

(1000 Posts)
Mouseface Tue 08-Jan-13 11:59:43

Hello, tis me, Mouse smile

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, it's a place of solace, support and sanctuary, but also it's also a Bus full of chatterboxes, waffling on about all sorts!

Our aim this year is to kick the WineWitch or WW into touch and get sober!

Some of the Babes on board are doing Dry January, some drink in moderation, some just drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.

Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want.

We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT smile

Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes.

Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.

EVERYONE IS WELCOME HERE so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hello. Post as much or as little as you like! It's all up to you.

For those who want to catch up - here is the PREVIOUS THREAD

And the first ever thread, with links to the others over the last almost 3 years! FIRST THREAD

<<blows gentle healing winds over the Mouse-house to lull everyone to soothing sleep with clear tubes and easy breath for our wee man>>

Xxx
Made it to double figures Ma but only bloody just. Faire you really were the cavalry tonight my friend, thank you so much.

Night night lovely Babes xx

determinedma Wed 09-Jan-13 22:34:01

Just in from work so quick check in.
east well done on the early morning swim. Did you know Gerald is an amphibious bus so we will float along behind you laughingatyoucheering you on.
mrd that was truly impressive, putting the wine outside. Well done you.
indie well done for hanging on.
guggs green purple and all the babes. U r doing so well

kotinka Wed 09-Jan-13 23:34:40

Hi all, no booze here today, not posted much as I'm still feeling ill & grumpy ;-)

Mouse - glad there was good news at the hospital

Still wondering where Rural's got to, if you're lurking at the bus stop, jump on, you'll feel better xxx

Hello, it's me again.

I am just so scared at the moment. I hope you don't mind me writing it down - I just don't know where else to talk about this.

So, I managed nearly a year sober, then I fell back again (just being stupid, thinking I could cope). And I've been limping along all through last year, managing a few days then drinking.

I have got to the point where I will drink during the day, and I will buy a bottle of wine, drink it, and go and buy another one. And I can't cope with it any more.

I've just found out I did something stupid (or rather, failed to confirm something I should have done) for something I'm organizing. I'm trying to get a job and the job market is horrible (they told me it's something over 100 applicants for the last one I applied for), so I can't affort to make stupid mistakes, but I am making them.

I am really worried about what's going on. Basically, I've been studying most of my adult life. It's paid, and I teach, so in that sense I know how to work and I get good evaluations for the teaching and good feedback on my studies. But I've never worked 9-5 for any length of time (I did for a few months and it was part time even then). I don't know if this makes sense, but I am terrified I am too lazy and useless at motivating myself to be employable, and I feel that it's related to the drinking. I am really scared that I'm sabotaging my chances of getting anywhere.

I know I need to stop. I just don't know how to get away from feeling so scared all the time. I've ended up making so many excuses, both for why I wasn't drinking (the year when I was sober) and for everything else, I don't know how to tell people what's going on, or even if I should. DH knows, obviously. Do you think it's possible to quit without telling people? I'm not in denial that I am an alcoholic (though it's still not very easy writing that), but I constantly feel as if I'm failing and I really don't want to let my family know this bit - I just want to stay away from them (they're the 'have another glass' type).

Sorry, I'm rambling so I will stop. I just feel so utterly shit.

Checking in too. Today was a bit of a flat day. I did get a fair bit done but felt a bit harried and lacking in boing. I hadn't planned a tempting meal so when the mid afternoon blues hit I was at a bit of a loss.

BUT... I gave myself a mental shake and had a snack of olives, which I don't usually eat but have been insatiably craving since I stopped drinking. I also made myself a pot of herbal tea, which I've been doing every afternoon when I hit the low point (it's by far my worst time of day, between 5 and 7pm). I've found that the tea (a herb called Damiana) stops my nagging headachey feeling and keeps the WW at bay. I felt better then and cooked a nice healthy pasta dish for dinner. DP came home and said he wanted wine - usually the signal for all my good intentions to swirl straight down the plug hole - but I said a flat no to having any so he didn't either. smile Later he said he fancied a glass of port and I found myself saying "well maybe I could have a glass - it isn't wine, after all..." hmm I caught myself and said firmly "no, I'm not drinking during the week". I'm proud of myself for that.

I'd love to join the BB book club but I don't let myself read fiction very often because it completely consumes me - once I'm into the story I just can't leave it alone and can't stop reading it until it's finished, to the detriment of everything else. I also get really grumpy if I can't read it and have to stop to let real life, sleeping etc interfere. hmm I've been like it since I was a child.

Isinde I loved 'When God was a rabbit'! I thought it was really beautiful, sad and funny and it made me cry a lot!

Well that's all from me, I'm tired tonight. Onwards and upwards babes. X

((((LRD)))) cross posted with you. Sorry you're feeling so wretched. There'll be babes who can give you much better advice than me, but I can tell that I have felt infinitely better since I cut my drinking right back a week or so ago. I usually have 2 AFDs a week but I was never really emerging from the fog of drinking, I don't think. I feel so much calmer and clear headed at the moment. You must have felt those benefits during your year of abstinence? It sounds like you've hit a bottom and need that impetus to stop and stay stopped again. You've got lots of reasons to stop, what reasons have you got to carry on?

Thanks mia. smile

It was a right miseryplop of a post but I am really grateful to you for replying (and the hugs). I do know what you mean about the fog (that's exactly what it is).

I don't have reasons to carry on, I'm just feeling scared and worried I've fucked everything up.

I think I need to sit on the bus and make sure I keep posting over the next few days instead of drifting away.

mrdarceych Thu 10-Jan-13 00:48:52

Mia... Am with you with the olives!! Tonight i brought the wine(witch) in... Warmed her up... Even got as far as the opener... Then i kicked arse... Put her back outside... And opened the olives!!! Yum yum ( oh and i googled that they are low carb too!!)
Port!... God she is the biggest bitch ever!! Keep away!!
I did not drink tonight... Bring it on tomorrow...i am nearly at double figures!! WOW!
Goodnight all x

kotinka Thu 10-Jan-13 01:22:14

LRD, lovely to have you back here, you've done a good thing spotting that things are becoming a problem. The kindest thing you can do for yourself right now is to have a sleep, have a booze free day tomorrow, then start to work on your problems when you're more ready.

I think things look blacker than reality when I've had a drink, is it the same for you? Do you find you're feeling scared & anxious even when you're not drinking? I'm wondering if you're depressed at the moment?

A lot of what you say about your work situation sounds like self doubt & lack of confidence. Confidence definitely takes a knock when you've been out of work for a while. You always come across as an intelligent person to us though. I think the job situation is hard for everyone at the moment and maybe you're blaming yourself for not finding work, when it's not all down to you?

Anyway, there's me rambling too now! Hope some of that makes some sense. I feel for you, I go through similar black patches of self loathing too. It's very hard.

Thanks kot, what a lovely post.

I am going for a booze free day tomorrow (and hopefully properly giving up).

I've not had anything to drink since about 5 today, so I'm not posting drunk and being down because of that, but I think you're right that in general it makes me more scared/nervy. I am probably a bit depressed - I get it on and off but it's not easy to separate from the booze.

Thanks so much for the kind comments. I do get that the job situation is horrible for everyone (I realized it sounds a bit self indulgent whining about it when we're all in the same boat). I need to look at it square-on and work out what to do.

I hope you're doing ok - and the 'black patches' aren't getting to you right now.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 08:26:00

Morning all smile

LRD come and chat with us a bit later, we'll cheer you up. No wonder you're feeling down if you're in that cycle at the moment. How did you feel during your year off?

It is difficult to know what to tell people but really you don't have to explain yourself. Just say I don't feel like drinking today. I'm doing dry January. I like it so much I'm going to carry on. Anything like that will be enough. You may be surprised to find some of your friends joining you.

Most importantly, try not to think about it at all. It's just one day. Anyone can do one day can't they?

x

blush. Didn't get up in time to go swimming - I hav a defence - MonsterCat was restless and I'm still not quite sleeping properly. Cross with myself though!

tazmo Thu 10-Jan-13 09:11:37

Hi well fraid I didn't have another AFD. Tonight though.... had half bottle of wine/small bottle of fizz and a G & T. Not good! Great that the majority of others are doing well... you are our role models! I think I need to stop completely. I'm ok once I break the cycle (have managed 3 pregnancies and breastfeeding for goodness sake).

LRD - sorry to hear you can't find a job. It is hard right now for those looking.

Agh - baby waking up. Can't wait to get my ipad back so I can post a bit more...

helpyourself Thu 10-Jan-13 09:14:00

grin east! Can you fit some other exercise into your day?
LRD don't give headspace to what others think about you not drinking. Just concentrate on not drinking today.
Resolve and love to all the BBs- kotinka how are you? Not in a head tilty prying way, I just noticed your last post was vvv supportive and hope you're feeling supported too.

Morning Babes. Was woken up by DT1 at 06.30 and went and had a lovely half hour with my two beautiful girls before DP woke and we all got up. They are in such a great stage at the moment and very funny and cute (although they can both throw a doozy of a tantrum when they choose to smile ) We discussed Teddies and Monkeys and Abney and Teale (current passion of DT2) and DT1 used the word "actually" in correct context! (DT2 picked up Monkey and DT1 yelled "that's DT1's Monkey ACTUALLY!" [proud mum icon]

I guess the point is that, if I had drunk last night I would probably sat there slumped in a wine-stinky-breath fog and not been properly engaged or able to enjoy it.

I am so grateful for all the Babes and this wonderful Bus.

LRD hey lovely. So sorry to hear about the job front. I can only speak for myself but I know that the accumulative effect of too much drinking leaves me feeling down, anxious, under-confident and hugely hugely self-critical and self-undermining...all of which are massively unhelpful in dealing with anything in life much less getting a job in a challenging labour market.

You are an intelligent, caring, compassionate woman with a keen mind and a sharp wit. You have achieved a great deal in your life and you have a long list of strengths that you can deploy in a wide variety of situations. You have MUCH to offer any prospective employer.

If you can clear the alco-fog just for a few days I will lay bets you will start to re-connect with your fabulousness much much more easily.

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 09:21:10

red good to have you back! I am now on Day 10 and am in awe of you doing a whole year. That alone shows you are a strong, powerful person. Sounds like you just can't see the road for the fog right now, but you will. You can and you will. There are some great new Babes on here as well as us old lags, so there is plenty of help. Stick with us, but suggest you strap yourself in as we are fairly hurtling along at the moment. Think Indie is driving shock
east that is the most pathetic excuse for not exercising that I have ever heard! You are hereby demtoed to bottom of the Boot Camp class!
kot how are you feeling today?

I do cycle 4 miles to workand back each day, so don't feel completely guilty grin Will go to the gym tomorrow (day off) and spend some time doing 'stuff'.

To everyone that is struggling - it is really difficult. I totally understand - so so eay to just say 'sod it' or use an excuse, or just think I'll have 'one'. God, I've done it hundreds of times. Who's to say it won't happen to me tonight..tomorrow night..

It's even harder when things are rubbish or seem to be hopeless in life. Just keep on keeping on.

Rambling a bit now - I just want to say - you can all do it. I used to start drinking at 9.30am, and not stop until, well , not stop!! It was normal! Got over that but then binged for years. I've had periods of sobriety but just can't do the 'normal' drinking so have to do this.
I'm probably being very dull posting about MonsterCat and swimming and Molly's ear and suchlike but it's keeping me focussed. Anyway, please all have a good day. x Ramble over..

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 10:32:32

WARNING - LONG POST (Sorry)

Morning all. Hope everyone if feeling OK today. Sorry to not read back - this thread has gone really fast. But......
Isinde Well done on the 5lb loss! Fab!
Koti, how is your arthritis and earache this morning? LRD and Guggs I really hope you are both feeling a bit better today. Sending you both a hug (())
Clutter Thanks for the lovely hug you sent me - it helped. smile
Mouse I hope you and Nemo have recovered from your hospital visit today. It sounds like positive news on the whole.
Soma I often give my ExP a hug when he's struggling (and him me) but, like you, I can never go back to the chaos he caused in our lives - doesn't mean I don't care about him though.
Joey Girls! What can you do with them! My DD and my friend's DD grew up together and were always close - 'til they got to middle school. Now they seem like sworn enemies. My friend and I had a chat and decided to not get involved. It's so hard to get to the bottom of these things. Sending you some super dooper bug killing spray. I really hope a solution appears soon.
Green Thanks, Lovely, for the paracetamol and water and to Baby for saving me a seat....Unfortunately, that was just a cardboard cut out of me. sad After my birthday (thanks to all for the added birthday wishes) dinner my friend gave me, amongst other things, a bottle of Champagne. I just couldn't throw it, or give, it away. So, I did the sensible thing and drank it as Bucks Fizz - for breakfast. blush WW was whispering "Well, it IS your birthday present" "It IS proper Champagne" and other such shit. So, yesterday I over did things again. angry sad blush Worse still, 10 minutes before the corner shop was due to shut, I decided that the half bottle I had left wasn't going to be enough so, donned my coat and Uggs and set off on the 90 second trip to the the shop. It's pitch black round here, there are no street lights at all. On the way, I accidentally walked, sort of side on, into a picket fence (about 2 foot high) and fell, really badly, half on the fence and half on the path. It took me a few seconds to realised what had happened then a couple more to feel around to locate my purse in the dark. I got myself up and STILL went to the shop! Ffs! God only knows what I looked like. blush Got my wine and came home. When I looked, I had lots of cuts and bruises on the top part of my legs and knees and still had some rose thorns embedded in my skin. This morning my knee is really painful and I have marks all over my thighs and a bruise on my chest. I wasn't 'falling down' drunk <wry, empty laugh> but, if I hadn't had a drink I would have been more sensible and maybe taken the time to find a torch - and not needed to go to the shop in the first place. I dread to think what would have happened if I had hit my head instead of my knee. Nobody would have found me, probably, until this morning as it really is impossible to see anything at night and with the sharp frost we had.......? So, my children would have been left in the house by themselves and my DD, who was in bed but not asleep, would have been worried/scared to bits and would have had to make decisions that an 11 year old shouldn't have to - should she call her DF or the police or come out and look for me? Or maybe, she would have just gone to sleep and not realised I wasn't home. And do you know another really stupid thing? I didn't even drink the wine - I didn't even finish the bottle I had already got in the fridge - so, it was all for nothing.

This morning, my knee is really painful and I will have to try and hide the cuts and bruises from DC to avoid difficult questions. Each time I use the stairs or change gear the knee is giving me a lot of pain and I am thinking "Good! It serves you fucking right!!" I'm sure nothing is broken, just badly bruised. Yet another narrow escape. I can't afford this any more, my luck will run out and something awful and irreversible will happen. I can't quite believe it was me that got to 7 weeks sober. sad

I have thrown the wine down the sink this morning - even the full, unopened bottle - which is something I have never been able to do before. Christmas is over, my birthday is over. No more excuses. I've let my children down and myself and maybe even you Babes and I'm sorry. sad

Day 1

I will not drink today.

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:44:46

So many pages to catch up on! So that's another hour of work I haven't done [eek!]

I'm sort of laughing at the wine-witch - she who pretends to be so huge and scary and insurmountable, but in actually fact, with the right approach, she can be obliterated with a handful of olives. Not so scary now, huh?

isindie lovely to see you around. Doesn't matter whether you screeched in by the skin of your teeth yesterday - there are no degrees of soberness - yesterday you WERE sober. End of smile

east I think that one important thing is to remember that not going swimming is just an isolated event, and not to let it affect your view of the day, or your motivation. I find that it is very easy to have great intentions, and then because the first one doesn't go right, to give up on all the rest. So just because I haven't got started on a tough report by 10am this morning (and yes I do blame this bus for that wink), doesn't mean I can't start on it later... [pep talk to self].

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:45:56

blush isindie your dt clearly know more about the correct use of "actually" than I do blush

purple What a nightmare sad Don't beat yourself up too much - easy to say I know. Bloody ww. It really does get under the skin. That awful feeling of 'oh god,I can't run out...must get more...' Awful feeling. I don't really know what to say, just that I've done that before - left them alone to get 'more' - like it's the most important thing in the world. Do you need to see a doctor about your knee? Bloody well done for chucking it all away though smile
Thinking of you.

venusandmars I know - just cross with myself - I was so organised for it grin. Never mind. Onwards and upwards !

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:51:52

purple you haven't let us down - we're here to listen, and most of us have been exactly where you were last night (well not in your street, but you know what I mean). And you have done the most wonderful and empowering two things this morning:
1 - throw the booze away. Well done xx
2 - come on here, and be honest about what happened. Well done xx

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 10:54:32

Day 6, a small Boing (more of a hop really)

east you know ma can't demote you to the botom of Boot Camp because I am always at the bottom smile

LRD oh hen >> I don't know if this makes sense, but I am terrified I am too lazy and useless at motivating myself to be employable, and I feel that it's related to the drinking. I am really scared that I'm sabotaging my chances of getting anywhere. >>

this sounds horribly familiar to me. I keep feeling panicked at work and scared of trying new things. as a result my boss gives me warnings that my work isn't up to scratch. and then I go home and drink to blot out the awful scarey feelings. I have no motivation/energy/enthusiasm (its not the job, its actually a great job) but I feel panicked at the thought of being asked to do something and thinking I can't do it.

Hmmm thats no help to you is it. My advice would just be to focus on yourself and your sobriety, don't worry about what other people think - most of the time people are so wrapped up in themselves they barely notice if someone isn't drinking.

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