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i think DH might be having an affair...

(64 Posts)
ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:12:33

We have 2 young DCs, haven't had sex in 8 months and haven't really been communicating. I feel taken for granted, unattractive and boring. I am a SAHM and he has a hig powered job. I feel we have nothing to talk about except mundance things. He is very outgoing and gregarious and i am very introvert which has been a problem for many years but has got a lot worse since the DCs came and I stopped working.
We have gone from arguing to just ignoring eachother. He tries to talk to me about our problems but i am just not interested in talking to him.

In the past couple of months DH has seemed a bit happier but been showing some 'signs' that i think he might be playing away (1) surgically joined to phone. Doesn't seem to use it a lot but doesn't leave it laying around ever. (2)A sudden interest in getting into shape... I've been hassling him about this for ages as he's gained some weight over the past year or 2 and he's never been hugely receptive and all of a sudden he is swimming nearly every day. (I know he is swimming and not shagging somewhere as my friend is a lifeguard and sees him there!)

I don't know how to approach this with him and when i look at the 'evidence' in my post it seems pretty flimsy - but i just have this feeling that he has met someone else...

giveitago Mon 21-Jan-13 15:09:08

If you can't be bothered to talk in depth with him about issues how can you resolve anything at all, never mind if he may be involved with someone else?

It's not all about not being bothered - it's in a lot of cases about treading on eggshells.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 09-Jan-13 09:22:13

It's probably worth noting that if he's started working out, he's bound to feel happier. It releases good hormones, and it feels good to start working on yourself.

Smelling of perfume isn't necessarily saying he is having an affair, some people just use a whole bottle each day and it's impossible not to smell like them. Equally, he could have given someone a completely innocent hug. Be wise, but don't jump too to many conclusions, because his shirt smelling of perfume means at least he had his clothes on.

You need to talk to him. You'll get nowhere if you don't, and your relationship will crumble. You are both unhappy, splitting up has probably already crossed his mind as a possibility, but he obviously doesn't want to give up yet. Get help, and talk to him. Plan something out - a meal, a film, a walk in the park, anything that's just you. And do something to boost your confidence. Put a gorgeous dress on if it makes you feel great, paint something, put your favourite album on. Give yourself a boost. It'll make everything seem less of a challenge.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 09:13:16

rolls them back....

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 09:12:25

* rolls eyes* hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 09:08:15

How is "wouldnt surprised if you had someone else, i dont want our marriage to end, i really dont, but i dont know how to make you want me again "...not demeaning? This is an adult woman with marital problems, not some simpering teen in Jackie magazine.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 09:01:38

Cogito, How is doing something purely for herself demeaning, you have to make an effort for yourself, because if you look the way you feel, you are gonna keep feeling it til it grinds you down.

AllOverIt Wed 09-Jan-13 07:38:34

How are you OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 07:19:20

"i dont know how to make you want me again"

Getting into shape? Getting dolled up? That just makes the OP look pathetic and perpetuates the myth that women have to make an effort to keep their man. The marriage isn't going well, he's distant, she's suspicious and unhappy. All valid things to talk about as a couple. No need to demean herself.

Sugarice Wed 09-Jan-13 06:45:06

How are you this morning OP, did you talk to your dh?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:30:35

Perfect From what it sounds that would be honest, because the marriage has issues, she clearly doesnt want to confront the issue just yet, so a little gathering of points might be needs, til shes stronger to do it.

Take out the sobbing bits, what i suggested is pretty much what she wants to say, so OP just say it, but dont say it in angry manner, be calm.

perfectstorm Wed 09-Jan-13 01:11:45

To be totally honest, I don't think it wise to start playing games with an already troubled marriage - trying to manipulate with sobs, work out a reaction's meaning by second guessing. He's meant to be (and presumably once was) your best friend. Sit him down and be honest about how low you are, how unhappy, how bad your self esteem. Talk about seeing the GP, say you want things to get better and ask for his support.

Can you all get away for a break somewhere nice? Short one, with good childcare laid on? So you can talk in a nice environment?

Perfume may not mean anything. And your marriage does sound salvageable, because from what you say, he hasn't checked out. Please try to sort something. Good luck, and please do know you have a lot of support here.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:08:13

Also have you considered it might be for your benefit, getting in shape, maybe planning something, i wouldnt assume the worst, until the evidence is undeniable, also the perfume thing, if someone else was working with him, its easy to transfer the smell, maybe a woman sprayed some and it got on him.

You need to be clever to work this out, so dont act suspect but keep a look out. Also get someone to watch the kids, get dolled out, and say lets go out, his reaction will say a million words.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:03:54

OP When you know hes due to be home, sit down and make it look like your upset about something (trickery but meh), if he comes to ask you whats wrong, say I just feel so worthless, we dont have sex anymore, we dont talk, i dont feel attractive, i got myself so worked up that i wouldnt surprised if you had someone else, i dont want our marriage to end, i really dont, but i dont know how to make you want me again then sob about, watching for his reaction.

MamaGeekChic Tue 08-Jan-13 18:57:47

If it's any comfort I often smell of a colleague's aftershave as he --bathes in it--applies it liberally and greets me with a kiss on the cheek. I often find myself thinking he's nearby later in the day then realising it's me. I'm also guilty of occassionaly spraying perfume in other's cars (I always ask permission) en route to meetings etc. It doesn't neccesarily mean the worst but please talk to him, tonight.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 17:11:14

No - still trying to make sense of the perfume sad

AgathaF Tue 08-Jan-13 15:14:37

OP have you phoned your GP for an appointment yet?

dequoisagitil Tue 08-Jan-13 14:55:57

Even if he is having an affair, you might find you both want to try to make your marriage work. I am so sorry about the possibility he has cheated, and hope it's not true - it's the last thing you need.

You do sound like you're depressed, so no matter the outcome of tonight's conversation, please go to the GP and get some support.

SomebodySaveMe Tue 08-Jan-13 14:50:09

I don't think that a perfume smelling shirt is conclusive proof. Surely hugging someone wearing a strong scent would do that or being sat close to someone- both of which are harmless.

I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself what you are giving him and what he is giving you. You both need to work at a relationship and from what you've said it sounds as though its just him.

SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:44:51

I'm really sorry, OP sad

Allergictoironing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:39:07

Whether your DH is having an affair or not, you certainly seem to be in need of some help. Lethargy about life in general seems to ooze from everything you say, which sounds rather like depression to me.

You don't say how old your DCs are - any chance you could have a dose of PND?

SundaeGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 14:31:34

I don't think I've ever been on a thread on MN where the question posed was is he having an affair and the answer turned out to be 'no'.

Sorry to be blunt OP but from what you've written it does sound to me as though your DH is having an affair. However, it sounds as though you love each other and are out of sync with each other. So, if it turns out that he is having an affair be kind to yourself, give yourself some space and get some counselling because your marriage sounds salvageable but you will both need to change.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 13:44:32

suppose i will have to ask him about it. i can't pretend i didn't smell it.
i'll wait till he gets home and then ask him about it.
not sure how to hold it together for the rest of the day though. Boys are going nuts and I can't think about anything else

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 13:26:28

Oh no! sad

What are you going to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 13:15:49

It's not great, is it? confused Time for the conversation, unfortunately.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 13:10:46

just got the laundry out - yesterday's shirt smells of perfume which isn't mine. He was working late last night (which isn't unusual) but why would his shirt smell of perfume sad sad I was right wasn't i sad

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