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i think DH might be having an affair...

(64 Posts)
ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:12:33

We have 2 young DCs, haven't had sex in 8 months and haven't really been communicating. I feel taken for granted, unattractive and boring. I am a SAHM and he has a hig powered job. I feel we have nothing to talk about except mundance things. He is very outgoing and gregarious and i am very introvert which has been a problem for many years but has got a lot worse since the DCs came and I stopped working.
We have gone from arguing to just ignoring eachother. He tries to talk to me about our problems but i am just not interested in talking to him.

In the past couple of months DH has seemed a bit happier but been showing some 'signs' that i think he might be playing away (1) surgically joined to phone. Doesn't seem to use it a lot but doesn't leave it laying around ever. (2)A sudden interest in getting into shape... I've been hassling him about this for ages as he's gained some weight over the past year or 2 and he's never been hugely receptive and all of a sudden he is swimming nearly every day. (I know he is swimming and not shagging somewhere as my friend is a lifeguard and sees him there!)

I don't know how to approach this with him and when i look at the 'evidence' in my post it seems pretty flimsy - but i just have this feeling that he has met someone else...

SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 10:42:22

I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it came out. Do try talk to him though. It's a good sign that he wants to talk to you and try to work on things. Maybe counselling would help the communication be more effective so you could open up and not feel got at.

PS - just read that back and I don't sound very sympathetic - sorry. I do feel for you, but just wanted to say that you do need to try and change the way you are functioning day to day, for everybodys' sake.

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:23

Ha, I bloody HATED toddler groups. Lots of people love them, but they weren't for me. A book club, maybe? You can meet interesting people locally that way. You sound like you're thoughtful and intelligent and it might be nice to have some time and space that's just for you, frankly.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:46:17

I don't think any of you are harsh - its nice to have someone to talk to - ironically!

I worry that I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. Is it possible to have a long lasting marriage with someone you're not sexually attracted to?

I hated toddler groups too. And you probably have nothing to talk about as you don't do anything much anymore. Even just going clothes shopping or going to the cinema would give you something different to talk about!

How close are either of your DC to school age? I made some good new friends once my DC were at school full time (luckily a couple of them were mothers of my DCs friends so was convenient too!).

Otherwise as someone else said, are you interested in book clubs, or going to a gym or swimming club yourself? You mentioned you have a friend who is a life guard so that's one friend to be starting with! Anywhere that gets you talking to people smile.

I wouldn't look too deeply into how you're feeling towards DH at this point - if you are depressed, or even just a bit 'down', your libido can take a battering. It could be as simple as that, and you could find that once you cure the problem, that 'symptom' could sort itself. smile

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:50:14

There is another thread on here about a sexless marriage, no it rarely works unless both parties want that!

The longer you go without sex the harder it is to get back into it.

Would you consider going to the GP to talk about how you feel

It's a new year, arrange a Sitter and go out with your dh for a meal and really talk to each other.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:53:57

if it will help save my marriage then a meal out and a trip to the surgery isn't a lot to start with i suppose!

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:54:18

Depression is great at making you go off sex. DH and I went almost a year without when DS was very young, and a few years back when I was very depressed. We generally had (and have again now) a great sex life. It waxes and wanes and that's normal. But no, you won't be attracted to a man you either argue with or ignore, and you won't have much of a libido if you are depressed, either.

I think you need to worry about the depression and the loneliness and the lack of communication. After that, there are definitely ways to spark your libido again, yep. And the less you have sex the less you want it, and vice versa, so most people have less when the kids are very young. But in my view and experience you can very much reignite that attraction, yes. I went through phases when I didn't, but I lust after my husband a lot now. And we've been together 12 years.

Marriages aren't linear and nor is desire. There are peaks and troughs. You would be pretty weird to feel sexy in the situation you describe, in all honesty, and I think that's the least of your concerns right now.

OP yes it's a start, and that can be all it takes to get things moving in the right direction again. You might even enjoy your night out and want another one smile

AgathaF Tue 08-Jan-13 11:02:01

Book an appointment with your GP today, do it now. Then write down how you feel in case you find you don't want to speak when you get to your appointment. Tell your DH what you are doing and use it as a springboard to discuss stuff.

As others have said, you can't ignore all his offers and attempts to help the situation and still expect your marriage to work out.

Think up something to do together at the weekend that you would enjoy and do it.

BabysPointlessPocket Tue 08-Jan-13 11:45:26

Go out with your dc and Dh at the weekends too, like he suggested, a walk through the park (hold hands, bit of romance), hats, gloves, scarves
, a flask of hot choc, a box of sandwiches, apples, a kite and a football, perfect! Just try it.

MamaGeekChic Tue 08-Jan-13 12:51:01

So what do you get from the relaionship OP if you don't talk, have sex or go out together? Maybe your DH has simply decided to get on with his life to ensure he has something left of it should you divorce but getting healthier, maintaining friends and a social life not neccesarily seeing someone else. What does he get from your relationship as it is? Controlling someones freedom to go out is not normal.

I think you need to talk, if he really is your world you'll put all fears aside and realise how important it is for you to communicate.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 12:57:47

You don't actually need proof of an affair to express to someone that you're unhappy with the state of the relationship or even to point out that their behaviour is suspicious. You don't have to make heavy accusations or confrontations. It's enough to say ... "you're acting out of character, I'm unhappy/bored/etc and, if we don't do something about our relationship, our marriage is going nowhere."

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 13:10:46

just got the laundry out - yesterday's shirt smells of perfume which isn't mine. He was working late last night (which isn't unusual) but why would his shirt smell of perfume sad sad I was right wasn't i sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 13:15:49

It's not great, is it? confused Time for the conversation, unfortunately.

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 13:26:28

Oh no! sad

What are you going to do?

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 13:44:32

suppose i will have to ask him about it. i can't pretend i didn't smell it.
i'll wait till he gets home and then ask him about it.
not sure how to hold it together for the rest of the day though. Boys are going nuts and I can't think about anything else

SundaeGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 14:31:34

I don't think I've ever been on a thread on MN where the question posed was is he having an affair and the answer turned out to be 'no'.

Sorry to be blunt OP but from what you've written it does sound to me as though your DH is having an affair. However, it sounds as though you love each other and are out of sync with each other. So, if it turns out that he is having an affair be kind to yourself, give yourself some space and get some counselling because your marriage sounds salvageable but you will both need to change.

Allergictoironing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:39:07

Whether your DH is having an affair or not, you certainly seem to be in need of some help. Lethargy about life in general seems to ooze from everything you say, which sounds rather like depression to me.

You don't say how old your DCs are - any chance you could have a dose of PND?

SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:44:51

I'm really sorry, OP sad

SomebodySaveMe Tue 08-Jan-13 14:50:09

I don't think that a perfume smelling shirt is conclusive proof. Surely hugging someone wearing a strong scent would do that or being sat close to someone- both of which are harmless.

I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself what you are giving him and what he is giving you. You both need to work at a relationship and from what you've said it sounds as though its just him.

dequoisagitil Tue 08-Jan-13 14:55:57

Even if he is having an affair, you might find you both want to try to make your marriage work. I am so sorry about the possibility he has cheated, and hope it's not true - it's the last thing you need.

You do sound like you're depressed, so no matter the outcome of tonight's conversation, please go to the GP and get some support.

AgathaF Tue 08-Jan-13 15:14:37

OP have you phoned your GP for an appointment yet?

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 17:11:14

No - still trying to make sense of the perfume sad

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