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i think DH might be having an affair...

(64 Posts)
ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:12:33

We have 2 young DCs, haven't had sex in 8 months and haven't really been communicating. I feel taken for granted, unattractive and boring. I am a SAHM and he has a hig powered job. I feel we have nothing to talk about except mundance things. He is very outgoing and gregarious and i am very introvert which has been a problem for many years but has got a lot worse since the DCs came and I stopped working.
We have gone from arguing to just ignoring eachother. He tries to talk to me about our problems but i am just not interested in talking to him.

In the past couple of months DH has seemed a bit happier but been showing some 'signs' that i think he might be playing away (1) surgically joined to phone. Doesn't seem to use it a lot but doesn't leave it laying around ever. (2)A sudden interest in getting into shape... I've been hassling him about this for ages as he's gained some weight over the past year or 2 and he's never been hugely receptive and all of a sudden he is swimming nearly every day. (I know he is swimming and not shagging somewhere as my friend is a lifeguard and sees him there!)

I don't know how to approach this with him and when i look at the 'evidence' in my post it seems pretty flimsy - but i just have this feeling that he has met someone else...

badinage Tue 08-Jan-13 10:15:59

You'll probably get a load of replies saying 'ask him' because some people really believe that in this situation, men who are having affairs will fess up.

But my advice is to look on his phone.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:19:30

i looked on his phone and found nothing - but he would surely delete incriminating calls and texts? he's also started going out a bit more than usual but part of our relationship problems are to do with the fact he likes going out and i don't, and i don't like it when he goes out either so he's either found someone to go out with or is just ignoring the fact i don't like him going out.

If I ask him he'll tell me I am crazy and it will start another argument

BabysPointlessPocket Tue 08-Jan-13 10:19:54

Why won't you talk to him about your problems if he's willing to?

BabysPointlessPocket Tue 08-Jan-13 10:21:32

You don't sound very well suited at all.

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:22:20

If you can't be bothered to talk in depth with him about issues how can you resolve anything at all, never mind if he may be involved with someone else?

AmberLeaf Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:31

Why don't you like him going out?

I don't think you sound terribly well suited either.

aufaniae Tue 08-Jan-13 10:24:24

Forgetting about whether there is an affair or not for a minute, I think you are being a unfair to your DH.

You say " He tries to talk to me about our problems but i am just not interested in talking to him." and "he likes going out and i don't, and i don't like it when he goes out either".

How is your relationship ever going to improve if you refuse to do anything about the problems you know you have?

Also, I am sociable and love going out (not that I get any chance these days!) I would feel very controlled by a partner who didn't want to go out, but didn't want me to either, that's not fair at all.

Have you considered or tried counselling? Or just letting him go even? Is this relationship actually making either of you happy?

AmberLeaf Tue 08-Jan-13 10:24:32

It doesn't sound as though him possibly cheating is the main issue.

badinage Tue 08-Jan-13 10:27:31

Phone bills?

If you're a SAHM with young kids, maybe you'd quite like a break in the evenings so I get why you resent him going out.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:28:19

2 reasons, firstly I just don't like confrontation and when he tries to talk about our problems it always just feels like he is having a go at me and the fact I am as I am (quite happy staying home alone with the kids on the weekend whereas he wants to be out and about) but secondly I think if we start talking about our problems it will end up in both of us realising that we are not very well suited and I am afraid he will leave me. He is my world and it would break my heart, plus the fact that I don't want my DCs growing up without us both in the same house.

I get jealous when he goes out. He's a good looking, charming, kind guy and I know women look at him. I don't think I am giving him what he wants to have been wondering how long it will take him to look elsewhere.

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:18

That confuses me a bit, too. He doesn't sound like someone who was detaching to facilitate an affair, he sounds like he really wanted to work at things. I don't understand, if you were unhappy as well, why you blocked that?

strumpetpumpkin Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:04

hes going to realise that anyway. Youre being very unfair.

How come you arent having sex?

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:50

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. sad.

If you haven't had sex for 8 months and you are both at the point of ignoring each other rather than even arguing then you need to talk to resolve these issues.

Sticking your head in the sand isn't going to work.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:32:47

He does offer to take the kids so I can do things but I am quite happy being with my boys. We moved down to London a year ago for his job so I don't really know many people (originally from scotland). He has tried to introduce me to the wives of his colleagues (all SAHMs too) but I didn't click with any of them.

His phone is a work blackberry so we don't get the bills.

I couldn't let him go - I would have no-one sad
Maybe counselling would be an option. He has suggested it in the past so I think he would be open to it.

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:29

DH is gregarious and I'm not at all, incidentally. He goes out without me, and that's fine. I say no if I'm ill or something, but ordinarily. But we do also go for meals or a film, just the two of us.

I think you sound very depressed, and you feel really worthless. I think you need to see your GP, and I think you need to go to counselling. Honestly, depression with two small kids is really common. It's so hard, the early years. Access help - it is there. And tell your DH you think you're depressed and need his support. Be blunt about it and see how he reacts. It may be a positive surprise, you can't know.

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:34:30

I guess we went through a bit of a sex drought like lots of couples with young kids and then he stopped trying and i feel undesired. I suppose it was only a matter of time before he went elsewhere for it

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:37

yes, i guess i have to just talk to him don't i?
But what if it's too late and he's met someone else?

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:52

Honestly, from all you're saying, he sounds like he loves you very much and is worried. You also sound like you're shy and have been suddenly uprooted - that's really hard on anyone, especially if you find new people tough. I do as well, so I sympathise.

Find a Pilates class just for yourself, or a gym with a creche. Honestly you need to meet people casually, get out of the house. As someone whose mother has accused her of being agoraphobic before I do understand, seriously I do, but with little kids it's essential to see daylight, exercise is a must, and you will feel better once you have your own support structure. And your boys need company, too. Are there mother and toddler groups you go to?

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:58

Hang on, you don't know he's seeing someone else.

Swimming to get in shape and phone use don't necessarily mean he's at it.

Is he away from home a lot?

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:38:45

Talk to him. Honestly, if you don't things will deteriorate. Explain how terrible you're feeling and ask for him to support you. And please, try to arrange at least one night a week where you and he spend time together, just as a couple. Your kids will benefit from that a lot. Get a babysitter in, even if it's just a film. You need time as a couple quite desperately IMO.

SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 10:39:25

^ I think if we start talking about our problems it will end up in both of us realising that we are not very well suited and I am afraid he will leave me. He is my world and it would break my heart^
He is not your world if you are willing to ignore his unhappiness because you find communication difficult. He is not your world if you would prefer for him to live in a relationship with the wrong person for him. Think about what it means.

I am sorry that you are going through this and if it turns out he is having an affair. That isn't right. But either way, you do need to speak to him and be willing to discuss your joint pre-existing issues.

isereally you do sound generally depressed and very 'meh' about life in general.

It's fine to be happy being with your children - but for your own self-worth and your relationship with your H, you need to have a balance of time as a couple and time as an adult on your own or with friends - not just being a mother. Everybody needs friends of their own. Otherwise you & your H will drift into seeing each other as nothing but a co-parent and, years down the line when your 'boys' find lives of their own, you will feel like shit!

Your H does sound like he has/is trying to make things work - by trying to introduce you to potential friends and offering to have the DC so you can do something. Please just try it next time he offers. Go out on your own, go shopping and buy something you fancy. Or get a babysitter and go out with your H, to the cinema, for a drink, anything.

You do need a life of your own. Otherwise if your worst fear of your H having an affair does become a reality, what will you do? Just put up with it because you 'have no-one'? sad

ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:41

He is away from home a fair bit but has been for the past 5 years so nothing new there. The new things are (1) Him seeming happier when things between us are getting worse (2) clinging to phone (3) more swimming (4) going out a bit more, or wanting to go out a bit more. Whenever i have checked up on his whereabouts he has been where he said he was but there's just this nagging feeling i have.

We do go to toddler groups most days but I find the small talk hard. I have nothing to talk about!

perfectstorm Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:54

"But what if it's too late and he's met someone else?"

But what if it ISN'T too late, he hasn't met anyone else, you let this situation drift... and then he does?

A sexless, hostile marriage where you are badly depressed is a recipe for a divorce, don't you think? And he wants to improve things, even if he's frustrated and tactless in how he goes about it.

Exercise (to boost endorphins - fantastic natural antidepressant) for you, counselling for the two of you, and date nights. At least try to talk to him with those as suggestions. You don't need to feel this terrible.

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