Fiancé messaging 'friends' on f/b - flirty, content, I'm 6 months pregnant :(

[Nosense]

It's my first time posting, I'm sorry if I get anything wrong or ramble!

We have been together for 4 years. I have a dc from a previous relationship who is 6. Engaged for 8 months, I'm now nearly 6 months pregnant.

I don't want to go into too much info to identify myself, but we both use facebook for business. He asked me to help him with his as he's not sure on some things etc. logged in, did what I could, saw a message in box from a mutual friend, told fiancé he says read it. All innocent, but the messages above were all women's names and all with him as the last one to respond. They were all flirty, 'hi how are you gorgeous' 'long time no see my love ' are you married yet?' messages, some with replies some not. All within the last year.

I am gutted, I feel it's inappropriate to message women flirty messages, I see it as a massive disrespect to our relationship. He was on dating sites when we met, and kept his profiles on them for around 3 months after we had the 'its serious' convo.

I would welcome anyone's opinion on this situation, thank you in advance.

[izzyizin]

What came after 'hi how are you gorgeous'? If it was something on the lines of 'I'm raring to go free. Are you up for a shag meet one night' it would be overly flirtatious but if it is simply a casual query as to his general wellbeing, I wouldn't see it as anything to get unduly het up about.

[izzyizin]

Hang on... I may have read it wrong. Are you saying this is how he prefaces his messages to ow?

[Nosense]

Thank you for replying. Yes he prefaces his messages to ow like that, or along those lines. What came after on most of them was 'what are you up too, where do you live now?' Sort of questions, plus the 'are you married'. Some were left unanswered, there were about 20 different ones that I could see, before he took the I pad from me.

[izzyizin]

I'm not at all surprised you're gutted. Irrespective of your relationship, sending messages of this nature to ow is massively disrespectful to you.

I'm sorry to say that engaging in this type of activity at any time, but more especially while you are pg with his dc, does not bode well for the future of your relationship.

Seems it's time for you to have another 'serious' convo with him. In order to concentrate his mind, I suggest you begin by packing a bag for him and then give him a choice - 'It's them or me. You have 20 seconds to either wholeheartedly commit to me or fuck off.. your time starts now...' said when standing by the open front door while looking at your watch and tapping your foot.

If he chooses you, leave the door open while making it clear that 'wholeheartedly' means letting you have full and free access to all messages/emails etc on his ipad/phone/laptop/computer with immediate effect.

If he's not willing to facilitate this, tell him to take his bag and be gone.

[VoiceofUnreason]

I have female friends, many with partners or boyfriends, but they often send me emails or texts that say things like "hey hun" or "hey darling". One nearly always greets me with "hey darling" when I see her, whether in the street, Im visiting her or she's visiting me. She was like this when she was married, she is like when she was single, she is like this now she has a boyfriend and was the same when I was with someone as when I was single.

I've caught up with old school friends via the "joys" of Facebook and have been known to find an old chum (female) that was always totally platonic and send a "hey gorgeous, how are you" and follow up questions such as he asked. There was no ulterior motive.

I'm not sure I regard "long time no see my love" or "are you married yet" or "where do you live now" as FLIRTY.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear....I call all my male friends 'gorgeous' in texts and e-mails. 'Hello gorgeous what are you up to?' is pretty standard both ways, in fact. If you don't like it obviously ask him to mind his language. But I wouldn't say it automatically means anything more.

[izzyizin]

When I first misread your thread as your dp receiving 'flirty' messages from women, I thought perhaps you were overreacting for the reason given by Cogito and Voice (above) because I call everyone 'honey' and just about all of my personal emails/texts to males and females begin 'Hi honey, How you doing' or some such.

However, on re-reading your thread, it appeared that his messages to other women could be seen as if he's trying to acertain what their current marital status is with a view to the obvious.

Maybe I'm being overly suspicious but some 20 such messages sent to different women, especially if they were all sent within a short period of time, suggests to me that he's unlikely to be making contact with them out of idle curiousity or to spread the news of his impending fatherhood.

I also find it questionable that he's endeavouring to catch up with so many women at time when he should have other matters on his mind.

Someof the tales on this board don't exactly go to promote optimism, and I therefore hope others will take look at this thread and give their view as to whether I'm writing from Paranoia Alley with regard to your OP.

[izzyizin]

Anyone?

[AnyFucker]

It sounds like he is spreading his net wide in the hope of hooking a willing one or two.

[Nosense]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't been back I have been busy. izzyizin, I totally agree with what you are saying, I feel exactly the same. Exactly. I don't THINK that I have a problem with him having female friends, I certainly don't have any issues with his RL friends, but the ow he has messaged aren't RL friends, a few are old friends that he hasn't ever mentioned before. I have a close friend that is male, my child's god parent, I have asked my partner if I have ever been inappropriate etc within this friendship, he says no and that it's clearly a platonic, honest friendship.

Cogito thank you for the advise re minding his language, that makes sense.

[izzyizin]

It's time for another serious conversation, honey. He's messaged 20 women in a year and I'd want to know how many others he's contacted in previous years.

Did you by any chance get his password when you were helping him? If so, needs must when the devil drives and you shouldn't have any compunction about spying using it.

IMO, FB is the spawn of the devil and I can only hope for your sake he's not the devil's spawn.

[Nosense]

Thank you. We have had the serious convo. He's sorry, he's mad a mistake etc etc. he has made himself an appointment with a counsellor to discuss this, he said he understands my point of view and wants to rectify the situation. I'm glad he wants to address it, I'm glad he's listening, but as you say izzyizin I only know about what I have seen. He has given me all passwords and sadly I am checking. I agree re f/b. thank you all again for your input.

[izzyizin]

Given the hordes numbers reported on this board, that should read 'he's not another of the devil's spawn'.

[izzyizin]

They're always sorry at being caught after they've made a mistake but, as that rarely them from continuing to seek a bit on the side make errors that are worthy of contempt, you're best advised to keep a beady eye out - if you can be arsed.

He doesn't need a counsellor. He needs to learn how to think with his brain instead of his dick.

I hope he realises that, in disrespecting you, he's caused you to lose respect for him and he is seriously going to have to go some to win your esteem back.

[Nosense]

Very good words izzyizin!

I have told him that I no longer respect him as I did. I'm not sure how he can win it back, if I'm honest.

[izzyizin]

It goes without saying that it's exceptionally disconcerting he's engaged in such despicable behaviour throughout the time you were ttc and your pg to date, and knowing he had every intention of endeavouring to get his leg over with ow at this particular time is going to be akin to living with a time bomb.

If you want to continue your relationship with him I suggest you make it crystal clear that you have zero tolerance to infidelity, whether emotional or physical, but on this occasion, and this occasion only, you intend to adopt a policy of 2 strikes and he's out which means that if he fucks up again, he's history.

The ego of a dick led male is inflated renowned for it's resilience and, as messages of this type can take a considerable time to permeate every fibre of their being, I also suggest you take every opportunity to reinforce and reiterate it in a general (i.e not a specific reminder of this incident) manner whenever occasion occurs, such as when/if the subject arises on film/tv/radio or in conversations with friends.

I sincerely hope he's learned his lesson, honey, and I send you my very best wishes for the birth of your second dc.

[Nosense]

Thank you very much for your time and advice izzyizin, I truly appreciate it. All the best to you too.

[izzyizin]

You're very welcome - and may I suggest you give consideration to changing your name to 'Nononsense'