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how did you know your dp/dh was having an affair?

(49 Posts)
nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:08:06

advice needed really, how did you know?

For a few months I've had a gut feeling he has been playing away. He's went out a lot, changed his phone password and keeps his laptop at work.

Today I got hold of his phone and read his facebook pm. There were messages to this girl we used to work with talking about how she fancies him (I already knew this) then messages from him saying she should stay away as he's 'bad news' but he did think she was 'gorgeous' and that she should come over. She said she wouldn't come over because she didnt want to wreck his family. Obviously I confronted him and he said he sent them drunk (he did, i remeber the night and it was at 3 in the morning) and he done it because he was angry at me and he was flattered that someone else liked him. Swore that nothing happened and he was sorry.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know there is VERY strong chance he's been at it.

Abitwobblynow Sat 12-Jan-13 19:41:05

I can pinpoint where OW started to be on his mind - absolutely.

Trust your gut.

akaemmafrost Sat 12-Jan-13 10:40:48

I didn't. I knew something had changed. He went to work one day as usual, kisses, hugs, I was four months pregnant and we felt very close. He never rang me that day, totally unlike him and didn't come home that night. Stayed out till late after work and ended up staying at his parents, they rang to tell me he was there so I knew he was. I found out much much later that was their first date, he hadn't been at work at all (weekend). I just thought it was a glitch but when he came home he was very slightly different, not so kind, not quite so interested in me or the baby, couldn't put my finger on it. Anyway he did another disappearing act the following week, didn't come home from work etc and basically life got hellish from there.

I still didn't know it was an affair and there was lots of "well you nag me so much why would I want to be at home?" "We never have any fun together, we've never been happy blah blah blah". I believed him, thought it was my fault sad.

He was out all the time but he is an entitled man who believes he should be able to do what he likes but still have home comforts and use the family home as a base.

I found out later that after that finished, he just carried on meeting and seeing other women wherever he could, he said once he'd done it the first there was no point in being faithful anymore, he'd spoiled everything so why not carry on? arsehole! angry

I was stupidly clueless. I honestly believed I was making him unhappy and not want to be at home. I eventually found text messages on his phone about five years later from some random. Turned out he acted like a totally single man. All through trying for dd when I thought we were close and happy he was having unprotected sex with randoms angryangryangry. I believe dd and I are lucky to be in one piece.

I will never trust a man again, I know there are good ones, my sister had one for a start but I can't risk that ever happening again.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 11-Jan-13 20:38:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slippersox Fri 11-Jan-13 20:05:12

Actually found out when he took a call from OWs partner when I was with him ,he left the room abruptly and went as white and a sheet and shook all over after call ended.Tried to lie his way out of it but after a long and previously very close marriage realised no point lying, I just knew him too well to buy it.He did minimise for a few days how long , how many meet ups ,texts etc.But it was like pieces of a puzzle fitting together and I just KNEW when things between them had changed to and it had become secretive and inappropriate.ie.when he stopped mentioning her at all, when he stopped coming to bed at the same time but sat up watching rubbish on TV even though he was tired.When we went out for our anniversary and it just felt different.
Fortunately it hadn't become physical at time of discovery so the changes were very subtle but in hindsight I see it so clearly now.
Oh and yes the first time I met OW when we were out socially and bumped into her and the way she greeted me so sycophantically whist pawing my DHs arm and giving him her best coquettish look.Something turned over in my gut there and then, and I never was remotely the jealous type.I just knew deep down she was trouble, but pushed the thought away.ALWAYS trust your instincts

imFINEthanks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:41:06

I wish I'd known about MN when I was in a pair of shoes very like the one's you're wearing now OP.

That's all I can say really.

madgered Fri 11-Jan-13 18:07:58

I agree with the other posts. trust your instincts, don't over think everything. listen to your heart, it will tell you where to go. my gut feelings have ALWAYS been spot on!

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 17:24:24

The distance. You can't be emotionally and sexually consumed by another person and hide it.

peeriebear Fri 11-Jan-13 17:24:15

My DH had an EA three years ago. As soon as I saw him looking at her my 'gut alarm' went off. I asked him about her and he strenuously denied it but my gut kept going all the same. A few months later the can of worms was opened and he had been texting her back and forth since that first weekend. I just knew.

Oh and how did I find out? H was distant - either very full-on and physically affectionate (unlike him tbh) or cold and angry. I had had an odd feeling about his work situation for a while but nothing I could put my finger on. And he kept telling me about all these absurd rumours in work about his relationship with one of his assistant (oh yes, so ridiculous! Ha ha!). And then I checked his texts. Muppet didn't delete anything because he knew I wouldn't check. Well - I wouldn't normally!

Whether he's been 'at it' or not, something is in the air.

MirandaWest Fri 11-Jan-13 15:11:00

I knew when I found a hold up on our washing airer when I didn't own any. I asked him and he didn't lie (although then continued to lie about how long for etc)

We had drifted apart but I hadn't thought he was having an affair until I found the evidence

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Fri 11-Jan-13 15:09:09

ExH became distant, there was no 'chatting' about day to day stuff, just the bare minimum. His phone became surgically attached to him, he started having secret passwords and pins.

He became concerned about his appearance, he started having more 'boys' nights out.'

He became cross with me really quickly over innocent remarks made by me that were, in retrospect, getting close to questioning his lies. Like when he got a speeding fine after visiting his dad, but the time it stated seemed rather strange. He'd visited his dad for 1/2 hour then spent the next 2 hours with the OW.

Sex became non-existent, I started to feel uncomfortable about him seeing me naked.

I found out his 'friend' at work had changed her status to 'separated' on Facebook while snooping on his account, big event, he'd not mentioned it. He then changed his password and security settings on Facebook, telling me he'd done it weeks ago on the advice of work (security type job) but I was suspicious so asked him to show me how to change mine, and his settings showed he'd changed it the night before, not weeks ago.

I started snooping, found he'd set up a new email account that I couldn't access. I asked him what the benefit was of these 'hotmail' accounts and why he had one for Facebook, some excuse. The new email account was gmail, I asked him how may email accounts he had, he said two, usual one and Facebook hotmail one. Liar.

Finally persuaded him that he was making me paranoid with all his password changes, he changed his phone pin back to reassure me. I pinched his phone and has to activate this hidden email account in the settings and found all his secret correspondence. He left the same day, decree absolute came through last week, 16 months later. wine

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 16:01:59

Trust your instincts, and go, even having a text affair is a big no no, and if its a no no for you, then dont put up with it.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 10-Jan-13 15:28:03

It's also taken a HUGE amount for me to stay in this relationship.

It's one rollercoaster ride I wish I'd never been forced to take.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 10-Jan-13 15:23:46

It's an awful thing to go through, that paranoid feeling, you KNOW something isn't right and yet you're led to believe that everything is fine.

I remember asking dp if things were ok between us as he'd become very distant! Yes, he'd tell me. Bad day at work etc.. Why take it out on ds and me then? that sort of thing.

Of course he was distant because he was texting and arranging meet ups with ow.

Silly me.

When the web of deceit finally caught up with him he drip fed information but finally told me everything (and more) three weeks later.

We are still together. Dp has made every effort to put right the damage he caused. It's been hard but without his effort we wouldn't still be together now and it has taken a HUGE amount of effort on his part.

Good luck OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 15:12:33

I always think that unless you're prone to paranoia and have deep-seated insecurity issues, the suspicion that your DP/H is having an affair is enough. Most sane people in happy, loving relationships don't doubt their partner to that extent. Most sane people who do are usually picking up on lots of little cues that suggest their DP is up to no good (though it might not be an affair). If you have suspicions, your relationship is in trouble anyway.

alexrider Thu 10-Jan-13 15:09:39

Mine put it in his Facebook status: "Wankyboy is in a relationship with OW".

That was a bit of a surprise for Tuesday tea time I can tell you!

He did think he'd blocked me from Facebook, but his security settings weren't very good.

He never came back home after I read that.

IslandMoose Thu 10-Jan-13 15:06:23

It's not really relevant to your situation op, but I found out that a former partner was cheating on me because the guy she was shagging told me so. He was a vague friend and we were having a drink in a bar one night and he apparently felt that he ought to volunteer the information. Previously I hadn't had a clue what had been behind her strange behaviour, but then it all made sense.

I think you just have to go with it to be honest. Even if he hasn't actually been unfaithful it sounds like your relationship with this man is over in any event.

Good luck.

CeilingThomas Thu 10-Jan-13 10:36:29

How to know they're cheating? It's all about gut instinct and that instinct will tell you you can't trust him. Tiny tiny changes in behaviour, routine etc that you cant always put into words. Once you feel that way you don't actually need to gather proof because the relationship is over anyway without trust.

I knew my ea exh was cheating but allowed it to continue for months before I actually caught them. I couldnt bring myself to confront him with my what my instincts were telling me since telling him "I think you're cheating because you asked how my day was" sounded ridiculous. I was right though, down to the day it started.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 07:30:06

OP

I spent too many years sort of, but not really, believing lies.

It is no way to live.

I should have left years before, rather than wait for flagrant, undeniable evidence of betrayal, I wish I had gone based on the reality of "little evidence of whole truth telling" .

I deserved the whole truth, not years of doubt, confusion and picking away at webs of lies trying to make sense of them. That was the cruel bit. Worse than the physical and emotional betrayal, was that he left me to suffer in a painful fog of not knowing for sure either way, while he did and hid information from me to keep me trapped in that miserable damn fog.

That is not love, by any stretch of the immagination.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 07:12:29

letters, pictures, trinkets, ticket stubs, recipts and a whole heap of other bits and bobs. All beautifully conserved and presented.

It was a veritable treasure trove of memorabilia reworked as "art".

katiemummy2012 Thu 10-Jan-13 00:01:57

Loquace, can i ask please what on earth his 'shrine' to the OW consisted of?! fancy keeping that in your marital bedroom!

did he have like love letters to her and pictures of her there or something? :O

katiemummy2012 Wed 09-Jan-13 23:31:26

i found out my DH had been seeing an escort half his age when I saw a text from her along with kisses and reference to a previous meeting on his phone

previously dh had been distant, i could tell he no longer fancied me and had noticed an adult sex site on his laptop history months previously, at this point i was highly suspicious, i suppose knew in my heart he was cheating i then sneaked his phone and found the message where he was arranging to meet the woman for sex on his lunch break from work

i am still devastated and DH and i are seperated, your instincts will tell you wisely x

janelikesjam Wed 09-Jan-13 17:19:04

Just on nagging - Abigail has made me think re. that word. I would like to add I think "nagging" also comes from a place of disempowerment. Someone with power would never nag, only say it how it is, tell someone to do it, ignore it or refuse to put up with it.

Loquace Wed 09-Jan-13 10:54:49

I decided to change the bedroom around, shoved the wardrobe aside and discovered what can only be described as a shrine to the OW.

As horrible as it was, I think I got off lightly. You can talk your way out ambiguous texts and strange things on credit cards, leaving a woman feeling like she may actually be going as mad and paranoid as accused.

A shrine however...not so much.

With the distance of about 20 years between me and that moment, that urge to rejig the bedroom was one of the best things that could ever have happened to me.

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