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The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!(1000 Posts)
Lulu am in town at the mo but will reply to you soon as I can. Don't panic.
Aww lulu I am so sorry. Hugs.
Think the wine didn't help, booze can make all the crap come bubbling to the surface.
Have no personal experience of an abusive relationship, can only imagine the damage it does. Really hope you can get this sorted.
Thank you western I'm trying not to! I know you know what I'm going through and a lot of what you post echoes with me!
Hope that didn't come across wrong about the wine. Just know I can get tearful if in a not very good place.
48 me too! He has been so patient but everyone has their breaking point and I think I may have pushed him to his. He said everything was ok this morning but I could just feel an awkwardness and a bit of a withdrawal. I think he feels and I don't blame him, that he is dealing with someone else's shit. it's so good with him too, I have no reason to behave like that towards him!
No, the wine has a lot to answer for ... It's been a common factor in my mini meltdowns. but we both like having a drink with a meal and one glass leads to another! Most times I'm fine but it does play a part in what is going on.
I used to get very maudlin with drink at times when with my ex, all the hidden resentment would come to the surface. In a way though I thought it was good it came out. He didn't quite see it that way.
I think it's really positive that you realise that you're doing this - it just takes a slight shift in attitude to realise that you're doing it when you're doing it and step back from the situation to see what you're doing. I know that sounds simple and straightforward when you're not actually 'in the moment', but it honestly just takes a bit of recognition and I think you're at least halfway there. I absolutely understand why you feel confused, vulnerable & why you lack trust in a new relationship - because that's the after-shocks of your last relationship.
I think the best thing to do is to talk about it with new-chap if you feel able (but that's a big leap as well isnt it? - because then you're letting your defences down and that gives someone information - and with information they can hurt you too (I'm not saying that is necessarily true, I'm saying that's how the mind works sometimes) ) and discuss with your counsellor the next time you see them
I would say - on the after-shocks . that's your ex still hurting you. I know it's all very complicated but do you want to let him keep hurting you? that isn't excusing his behaviour by saying that you choose your attitude to other people being horrible - or saying that it's as easy as just making a decision that it stops now, but i think it's usefu to recognise that your current reactions are still the legacy of the ex and while you are physically free, there are still emotional connections (not necessarily healthy or helpful ones) that need addressing.
you're very brave though. you know that, right?
bant chin up for today, lovely. it's horrid, but it's a positive step on a journey to something new. that's exciting!
as regards to wine - I'm reading this & finding it really helpful, if a little evangelical.
lulu sounds like you perhaps both could do with getting on board having less wine. If it's always a factor, at least you've recognised that and have room to work with it.
I tedn to have a couple of glasses then switch to tea or beer... cleanse the palate a little and avoid getting in a state. I'd hate to lose control in a negative way in front of a man
I am wondering as well why he needs to keep reassuring you, is he saying things to set off this bad feeling/maudlin stuff you feel? Is he triggering it and then making it better? Or is it coming totally out of the blue?
Just I would be concerned he's maybe not the one for you if he is insensitive or maybe even upsetting on purpose.
lulu, how long have you been together? I feel for you today and hope you can sort it out. Did he know you had been to a session that day? Hopefully he will be understanding.
Re the wine, was it white wine? You know what they say about the wicked white wine witch. I don't drink white in any quantity now, prefer red but I used to lose it big style on the stuff. If I go for a night out now I drink rum and coke and even if I have too much it's always a happy too much. I once went on a session on draft Stella and got into the most horrible mood, it's not called 'Wife beater' for no reason. Hope you don't mind me telling you this.
Oh yeah I can never understand how they can just go off into the land of nod. Really pisses me off. Seems to be a man thing though. Not just Mr Ex Army.
Hi Lulu - well, you're right, I know exactly where you're coming from on this one. Not sure I have good advice, you will probably get better from someone who's not fucked up like me, but I do have understanding and sympathy and all that kind of thing.
I could have done exactly what you did on many occasions. In fact I'm sure that I will end up doing something like this before too long as I can feel it all building up inside at the moment.
I think the need for reassurance and essentially confidence-boosting is an almost inevitable product of being in an abusive relationship. With that type of relationship, all your boundaries and standards of normal behaviour get so bent out of shape that it's difficult later on to know what's okay and what isn't. And it's horribly difficult to believe that someone actually loves you and wants you for yourself. I have a huge thing going on with LM that I hope and pray he doesn't know about, but probably does, about whether he likes me or not, whether he really wants to be with me or just feels he ought to now I'm his gf, whether he's still in love with his ex, whether he actually fancies me blah blah blah. In my heart I just want constant reassurance, constant contact, don't think I would mind one of the fifty texts a day guys that everyone else gets peed off with as I'd know he was bothered then.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think the need for reassurance about everything under the sun is something to be surprised at. It all comes down to self-esteem and self-confidence being destroyed over years and years of abuse and controlling behaviour. And however hard we try, that's not going to come back overnight. You read so many posts on here saying "work on your self-esteem" but I don't actually know how to do that. Maybe at your next counselling session it might be worth mentioning?
Anyway, none of that helps the current situation. In a way, it must be a relief that he actually knows everything now, how you feel deep down and how your last relationship has affected you. I don't think that he is going to finish things because of one drunken evening, I really don't. Things have been going so well between you and you're now at what is possibly a difficult stage of a newish relationship, when you start to let the "real you" show a bit more and become a more rounded person rather than someone who's always on their best behaviour and trying to present the best image all the time. He will be doing the same too, though - maybe not as dramatically!
I'm not sure how much he knows about your counselling, your ex and associated issues. I might be tempted to send him an e-mail just saying sorry you got a bit drunk last night, you'd had counselling and it brought all sorts of things to the surface and although you didn't mean to give him a hard time you do feel insecure and it's something you are working on with your counsellor. Was he a bit drunk too as that never helps?
Sorry, this probably isn't much use, but please try not to worry too much as it's not the end of the world, it really isn't. If you are feeling a bit hungover as well, things always look a million times worse than they actually are. Be kind to yourself today, take it as easy as you can and do whatever it takes to stop going round and round in your head with all this. Easier said than done, but stay busy at work, clean the house, go to the gym, whatever.
It will all work out fine. ((((Hugs))))
Not being flippant, but there is truth in the old saying. Someone has to except you warts and all. You can't be the life and soul of the party all the time. We all have bad days. That is real life.
thank you western, snape, 48, Lubey, so many true things .... I think that it isn't anything he is doing, he is not insensitive or saying anything to make me feel insecure, infact quite the reverse, he tells me he loves me, sends me lots of loving and funny texts, is very open about his past and knows quite a lot about mine. But in a typical man mode, tells me it is in the past, to look forward and focus on what we have. Which is what I want to do, but I don't think unless you have had experience of being with someone abusive and controlling you realise how it affects people.
I spent 9 years being totally compliant, being responsible for someone elses happiness, I am only beginning to realise that what I thought was normal and in many ways, his way of showing love, isn't normal and it just makes you question your whole judgement of everything. I find it really hard to ask for what I want and so it builds up and comes out in these meltdowns.
He has seen me warts and all, and this isn't the first time this has happened (about the 4th in the 4/5 months I have been seeing him), so as i say, I think sometimes there just comes a point when someone asks themselves "is it worth it?"
He cuddled me when the alarm went off and asked how I was this morning, I said I feel like I've fucked up. He said you haven't, its all ok. and see you Monday night - but my insecure side says, it just words, he's going to go away and think about it and he has a load of stuff at mine, but came on a motorbike so maybe he just wants to come in his car and take his stuff away.
I am my own worst enemy!
scrazy it was white wine, not loads, maybe just under a bottle and based on my glasses about 3 large ones over the evening. but it's enough to release the inner demon when I am feeling vunerable and insecure.
lulu That sounds lovely this morning Try to have faith in him.
maybe not all so bad, has just sent me a jokey text about needing pro plus for lunch with kisses. possibly wouldn't send that if he was pondering on whether we had a future. but, I have got to sort myself out, because if it was the other way round I would be having serious doubts.
lulu - the thing about counselling is, it doesn't stop when you leave the room - it keeps bouncing around inside your head for a while after, all the stuff it raked up.
Presuming he knows you're going to counselling, then tell him you went, it raked up some stuff and maybe next time you're forewarned and forearmed that you're going to be more sensitive than usual - and keep away from the booze for a day or so afterwards too. If he knows there's a reason, other than him, for these things happening, he's going to be more understanding. It doesn't sound like he's massively pissed off with you though if he's saying you haven't fucked up.
Counselling is good to work through your issues but you and he have to accept it's going to have a short term impact on how you feel, as well as a longer term positive impact on how you deal with things. The trick is to be able to deal with the short term fallout while looking forward to the longer term benefits.
He'll accept you need to do the counselling to address your issues, and he'll accept that it'll make you more sensitive, and that's what causing it.
All very sensible and sensitive advice from the others Lu...which I second whole heartedly. But I will add something controversial which of couse is a mere suggestion...would you consider taking a temporary step back from the relationship to allow yourself some headspace?
....and I that is not a judgement on Mr Ex-Army, merely just sometimes when going through the counselling process solitude helps with refletion .
Lulu, it's not messed up at all. He sounds brilliant. Talk to him about things when you see him.
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