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Just had a blazing row with df.

(67 Posts)
OscarPistoriusBitontheside Sun 06-Jan-13 18:24:27

Like the title says I have just had a blazing row with my father.

Ds1 went into say hello and knocked a portable hard drive off a table. Df has
Millions of fucking computers and hard drives and gadgety shit with assorted trailing wires littering the room he spends all his time in. Him and my mum live in a huge house but spend most of their days on computers in one room.

My mum is fab, but constantly apologises for my dad's behaviour, always has, always will. Anyway df balled out ds1 and I let df have it both barrels I'm afraid.

Df is a selfish man, typical baby boomer in all right jack type, who thinks he can tell me where I'm going wrong with life, etc. and him yelling at ds1 was the final straw. He never does anything with ds', the last time he took them on a day out was dec 27th 2010 and that was only ds1 and only because my mum suggested it because ds2 was still tiny and I had noro.

No one ever says "no" to my dad. I'm sorry to say I yelled at him that he'd be lucky if I ever bothered my arse bringing my kids to him again because when they are there he just ignores them anyway.

Ds1 said to me he didn't know what the point of grandad was. confused He's their only grandad and is too busy with his stupid computers and HIS hobbies to ever give them a minute. I'm really very sad about all this but I know that he'll never change and it reals my heart to think he's missing out on their lives.

My mum said that he's "not a kiddy person", as if that excuses his behaviour somehow.

I don't know what to do or say anymore.

tribpot Sun 06-Jan-13 18:26:44

So why do you take your dc to see him? If he's not interested in children it benefits no-one for them to spend time together.

Couldn't your mum come to you instead?

HecatePropolos Sun 06-Jan-13 18:28:49

Sounds like you're right - he isn't that bothered about the kids.

Sad as that may be, there's bog all you can do to change that. You just have to accept it and spend your time with people who want to spend it with you and who don't criticise everything about you.

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Sun 06-Jan-13 18:30:15

We go and see them because we ( dh and i) run the family business and the kids adore the outside space.

dequoisagitil Sun 06-Jan-13 18:30:35

If he's not a kiddy person, stop 'inflicting' the kids on him.

You can always just do essential family gatherings rather than regular visits that you think he ought to like. You're not in the wrong, but it's just no point trying to make someone something they aren't.

dequoisagitil Sun 06-Jan-13 18:32:23

Let them enjoy the outside without 'bothering' grandad then?

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 06-Jan-13 18:32:25

I think it'll do him good to have someone stand up to him and tell him some home truths. That said, if he's not interested he will not feel that he is missing out and there is little that you can do about it.

PepsiCoco Sun 06-Jan-13 18:34:16

If he's not a kiddy person why are you trying to force him to be? You chose to have children

tzella Sun 06-Jan-13 18:34:30

You shouldn't have to do but can't you make their computer room out of bounds and make another room your Visiting Room? Then DF can bumble out, grunt hello and slope off then you, DM and family can have the run of the rest of the place?

I suppose he wasn't terribly friendly to you growing up either?

colditz Sun 06-Jan-13 18:36:44

You can't make someone else like your children. If he doesn't want to interact with them, don't bring them near him.

VBisme Sun 06-Jan-13 18:37:38

Why would you take the kids to see their grandad if they just get in his way? How is that going to make anyone feel good?

(Sorry, I didn't understand your explanation of running the family business and there being outside space, there's outside space a lot of places that won't involve the kids being screamed at).

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Sun 06-Jan-13 18:39:10

It's a farm. I know I chose to have children, but is it really too much to ask that he is at least civil?

VBisme Sun 06-Jan-13 18:43:32

Unfortunately it seems that perhaps it is.

How was he when you were growing up? Did you have to stay out of dads way then?

Could you reduce the length of time you are there and make sure that the kids are supervised if they come indoors?

My stepkids have a very difficult time with their maternal grandfather, but their mum makes sure that they are supervised around him so it doesn't breakdown into shouting.

I do sympathise, it must be very difficult.

QuickLookBusy Sun 06-Jan-13 18:43:40

He should want to spend time with his grandchildren.
He should be nice to them and play with them.

But you cannot make him.sad tbh I would just keep them out of his way.

Does your mum like to see them?

Mayisout Sun 06-Jan-13 18:43:44

No def not too much to ask so he is selfish git who can't make time for others. Your DM indulges this.

It's v disappointing as you assume that DGPs will be happy and interested in the future generation but that isn't always the case.

And prob good that you let him know how you feel. Though doubt it will make much difference. He is just a selfish git.

StuntNun Sun 06-Jan-13 18:44:07

My ILs are the same. The DGCs (9 and 6) are expected to play quietly in their house and not interrupt adult conversations. In our house and in my parents' house they are treated as part of the family and included, not expected to entertain themselves quietly in a separate room to the adults. You can't change then though, just have to put up with it.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 18:44:55

It's not too much to expect your father to be civil to his grandson, but you can't make him civil. Not to mention that your DS knocked a portable HD off the table, hardly going to help is it? Your Dad sounds like a selfish bastard, I'd have stopped visiting him a long time ago.

AvonCallingBarksdale Sun 06-Jan-13 18:45:15

Fair enough he's not a "kiddie" person, but presumably he, too, chose to have children? It's not as if the OP's DC's are strangers, they are his grandchildren! I would have thought he'd want to spend time with them confused

My F is the same. You can't force a relationship, and although it hurts you to hear that your DC don't see the point of their GF, it doesn't hurt them. Once I realised that my DC weren't bothered by F's indifference, it became a lot easier for me to disengage. Selfish twats are selfish twats, and they always will be.

Dotty342kids Sun 06-Jan-13 18:48:01

Oh, I feel your pain! My dad and I always had "issues" to put it politely but for a long, long time I put up with his lack of interest in me, and then my husband (there was some racism going on there too, just to add to the mix!).
However, when my children came along and he was utterly uninterested in them I really started to resent the time spent with him. We used to visit twice per year and for the entire duration he'd eitiher get on with jobs around the house or feign polite interest in us - not that he feigned it particularly effectively!
The last straw came when we went out for lunch on one visit. My DS was 4 and my DD 2. My DS fidgeted around on his seat in the pub, as 4yr olds are wont to do, and my dad told him off and was just grumpy as anything about having to spend time with them. That was it for me - if you're not prepared to put time and effort into the fun stuff with kids and getting to know them as little people, then you havn't earnt the right to discipline or criticise them.
So, I wrote to him, explaining how hurt I was by his lack of interest and that I wasn't prepared to make my children spend time with someone who had such little interest in them but if he did want to see them, then of course we would. He responded by telling me that "kiddies did not float his boat"!! About his own grandchildren!!
I appreciate that not all men of a certain age like small children but at the same time, everyone can put on a basic level of social niceness and civility for small amounts of time. If they can't, then life is too short to put up with their foul nature!
For me, that was the point at which I cut off all contact with him, and told my children (when they were old enough to ask and understand) that he simply wasn't someone who was good at being a grandad. It's sad but we were all so much happier and saner for making that decision!

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 06-Jan-13 18:51:19

Actually, it's just good manners to be polite to guests regardless of age, surely? Think it's lousy manners to treat people this way whether they're children, family or whatever.

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Sun 06-Jan-13 18:51:31

20 minutes we were there, 20. Ds1 wanted to go and sit with his grandfather and knocked this thing off on his way to going to be with him. Df always tells ds1 "oneday all this will be his", so it's like he wants grandsons but not with ever having to deal with them and the convenience of living off an income we provide via the farm, but not having to be civil. I'm not making much sense I know, I'm just so cross and upset. hmm

He wasn't a hands on dad, at all. He never took us in child friendly days out, ever. My mum did all that. She is so amazing with my boys, I can't stress that enough, but she's so used to enabling his behaviour that I think she forgets it's not "normal".

Startail Sun 06-Jan-13 18:53:01

I'd have balled out your DS if he walked into my room and knocked something flying.

If he'd done it to DHs or my DFs electrical equipment he would have got a slap as well as a shouting at.

Just because you aren't interested in his hobby there is no reason to treat it with such distain.

That he may not be a very hands on grandpa is a totally different matter, to be handled calmly at another time.

Bluesue26 Sun 06-Jan-13 19:02:24

@Startail so your DS knocks something off a table BY ACCIDENT and he deserves to be slapped?! shock

colditz Sun 06-Jan-13 19:08:23

Startail .... Wow. What a horrible family you have.

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