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I think my oh is still in love with his ex

(21 Posts)
drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 10:58:49

I have been with my partner 8 months I'm 7 months pregnant, certainly wasn't planned but what's happened as happened.

He is still close to his ex, they have a child together, at first it didn't really bother me I'd been in a violent relationship for 10 years so the fact he's still on good terms with his ex I saw as a good thing.

As the months have gone on I've noticed he constantly mentions her constantly and although he doesn't mean to its almost like if I say something she's done it before me bigger and better and I'm not the jealous type I just don't need to know anything about her.every day I hear her name over again from him

we had a massive row over Christmas because of his ex mother in law tagged him in a post saying he was sat on her settee with the ex when he'd told me he was at his mums and I just lost it turned out he weren't there but he just didn't acknowledge that I'd be hurt reading that she's also tagged him in photos of them when they where together arms round each other and he said he was going to have words but he never did.

He says he loves me, I'm 2 months from having this baby and I just feel like he's with me because his ex won't have him. He said they split up because they rowed all the time and it was just a nice friendly split. I just don't know if its me being sensitive or him.

I don't know what to do if I wait till the baby is born and see if things change, ask for a break for a week get my thoughts together or just split up.

Bonsoir Sat 05-Jan-13 11:02:03

Forgive me, but your understanding of relationships seems quite shallow. What do you and your DP have in common?

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 11:18:22

Not sure exactly what you mean, I was in a very hostile relationship for 10 years from 16 years old, this is my first relationship since and I have found it difficult, I've spent almost 3 years on my own too.

We like the same things, we have the same beliefs, we want the same goals in life. We do disagree on the odd thing don't get me wrong, I don't know if I appear jealous because I'm not I just don't want to be in a relationship if he loves his ex, he is constantly talking about her, I know more about her than I should

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:19:30

Rather than getting upset I think you need to have a very long, very grown-up conversation with your boyfriend about your relationship. He can't afford to be so 'close' to his ex popping up in pictures with arms around each other etc. Even if they have a child together, there have to be boundaries now that he is with you. He has commit to being 100% honest with you because lying about being at his mothers's when he's actually visiting his ex is completely unacceptable behaviour. Like a lot of pregnant women and a lot of new girlfriends (because that's what you are in reality) you need reassurance, trust and commitment in spades and you're not getting that at the moment.

If you can work something out together, great. If it's not working & he's only sticking around out of some sense of obligation because he got you pregnant you need to be brutally honest with each other and split sooner rather than later. Good luck

meditrina Sat 05-Jan-13 11:27:06

I'd be very concerned that he lied about where he is spending his time. That he visits his DC over Christmas is not the real problem, nor is a (quite possibly unrepresentative) photo which gives an appearance of (temporary) unity there.

Dishonesty and secrecy are big relationship killers. You need to talk to him about why he chose to lie to you. If he doesn't see the problem, then I'm afraid you are in a difficult position. If he is remorseful, and ready to be far more transparent about his movements, then you do have a basis from which you can move forwards together.

How long after their split did you get together? Which of them ended it?

I was going to ask the same sorry, do you think hes just with you because he feels he has too? If I was you I think Id want some time away to gather my thoughts, you dont need this stress at seven months pregnant.

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 11:36:12

He wasn't at the exs he was at his mums where he said he was just tagged in a Facebook status saying he was sat round at his ex mother in laws with his ex on her settee by the ex mother in law.he said I should trust him and refused to say anything to her blamed me for everything but it just looked like he had lied to me. It sounds really stupid typing it down. think we need another chat we did talk after it all happened and the day after he was all flowers and chocolates.

Do I just point out when he mentions his ex I don't want to know? I don't think he knows he's constantly on about her

Xales Sat 05-Jan-13 11:37:46

Something isn't making sense here. It may just be me not being a FB (I assume) user. Was he tagged in a post? How do you get tagged in a post? If it was a photo then he had to be there to be in the photo didn't he?

If he wasn't there and not in any photo then you seemed to have gone off the deep end with him. If he had lied and was there I can see why you were hurt but if he wasn't even there what has he to be sorry for and why are you upset? It is not his fault if someone says he is somewhere he isn't.

They had a history. There are going to be loads of picture of them together when they were. That cannot be erased it is something that is going to be there forever.

Was it a recent break up when you met him? If so perhaps he is not over her. You can only take him at face value if he says he loves you.

Or perhaps she is not over him and is trying to win him back with these pictures reminding him of the good times. If the latter then going ballistic at him isn't the way to have a good relationship now with him.

If you are going to stay with him you are going to have to get used to him maybe sometimes seeing his ex and sitting on a sofa with her. They have a child together.

I think you need to not make any big decisions for the next 6 months or so until you have had the baby and everything has settled a little.

See how you feel then.

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 11:43:03

I asked him if he was just with me for the baby but he says not, they'd been split about a year but he had a girl friend in between he says it was a mutual split but I'm not so sure

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:48:26

"refused to say anything to her blamed me for everything "

Blamed you? Blamed you for what? Asking a question? Being suspicious? ... And what is his response when you ask him not to constantly drop his ex's name into the conversations?

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 11:48:40

The photo was an old one his exs mum put on from years ago there is recent ones that doesn't bother me but this was an old photo that she chose to put on recently, it bothered me more that he said he was going to say something, (i mever asked him to) never bothered then he was tagged in that post.

Think I know deep down he's not over the ex and that's why I got upset and didn't trust him,

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:52:52

If you know it 'deep down' then stop tormenting yourself and ask him to leave while you sort out your thoughts. This should be a happy relaxed time in your life waiting for the arrival of a baby and getting closer to your partner... and you're describing a very tense, bad-tempered, suspicious atmosphere where there are simply too many people involved. You don't know each other very well at all, there isn't a lot of trust and I think, if it weren't for the baby, you'd have split up a long time before now.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:54:13

Just about Facebook; one can be tagged in a post by any friend, anytime. One writes a post then adds names to it and FB alerts them, rather than just writing a post and seeing if people notice or respond. I tag people to bring their attention to something 'important'. They don't have to be there.

So, it sounds like MiL tagged BF on a post to bring his attention to it, rather than because he was actually physically there. Unless he was in the photo hmm

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 11:56:06

Going to have a talk with him tonight, even if he isn't still in love with her I still feel that way so something's very wrong

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 13:55:41

Lets see if I have this right.....

DP goes to see his mother.
At the same time his exMIL (i.e. the mother of his ex) posts a photo on FB from the past and strongly implies that the photo was current and taken that night. She then tags him in it to make sure that he (and maybe others) see the photo.
OP sees the tag and assumes that the photo was taken the day it was posted rather than way back in the past, & bollocks her DP for it - unfairly as it turns out, but she had been working on a reasonable assumption.
DP is unhappy that she doesn't trust him, and believes his ex's MIL even though she's done the same thing in the past.

That sequence implies to me that his exMIL is wanting him to get back with his ex, and as she has previous for this she seems to have mounted a long term campaign to remind him of the happy times when he was with his ex, and possibly to get exactly the reaction from the OP that happened.

I do think you need that chat drypond, but there is still a reasonable chance that your DP isn't still hankering after his ex.

* Yes he IS being inconsiderate talking about her a lot, but she was central to his life for a long time and they have a shared DC. He's talking so much about her because she has stayed part of his life, but he could be in that position for the sake of the child.
* He is definitely being inconsiderate to his fairly new (and therefore still insecure) partner who is going to be all hormonally on edge anyway, and alert to any potential threats to her unborn child's security
* Have you considered that he may be trying to keep the peace in a number of directions all at once e.g. if he rows with his exMIL could that affect his relationship with his ex and more importantly his DC by her? Doesn't excuse him not putting his pg partner first, but may explain it a bit.
* By definition men can't know what it's like to be pg, and even if he's been a father before his ex may have reacted differently during her pg. Many men assume that their current partner will react in exactly the same way as previous ones did ("all women react like x in situation y") - again bad & wrong, but not a deal breaker if they can be trained out of it.

I'm definitely not saying that he doesn't have romantic feelings towards his ex - he will have some feelings as the mother of his child - but do at least think of the possibility that his thoughtlessness combined with an exMIL who is determined to get him back for her daughter, with a few pg hormones thrown in, MAY have led to 2+2=5

Mu1berryBush Sat 05-Jan-13 14:17:32

I wouldn't feel I could reasonably expect anything from a man I'd known a month when I got pregnant. This is just me, but I would consider myself single really and wait and see if the baby-daddy wink proved himself to be worthy/ good company etc...

Losingexcessweight Sat 05-Jan-13 14:45:00

Hmmm so the ex mil put a old pic on facebook or tagged him in a post saying he was at hers when he wasnt?

Sounds to me like shes a trouble causer.

It could also be that he was at her house and thats why he wont confront her.

In that case hes a liar and you have every right to be suspicious.

The amicable relationship he has with his ex sounds too cosy to me

ErikNorseman Sat 05-Jan-13 16:53:50

You got pregnant a month in. You didn't, and don't, really know him, certainly not well enough to commit to each other for life. It's most likely that your relationship has just run its course. Sorry.

twinklesparkles Sat 05-Jan-13 18:18:56

Erik.. What about those it does work out for even though they got together and stuff happened too soon?

Drypond - have you tried talking to him, just calmly have a nice sit down and chat? Just explain you have no problem with his ex but you are just worried about all the facebook/mother in law crap.

Does he see his ex at anytime other than to see his dc? Does he txt/ring her about anything other than dc?

Why do you think he's not over her? Would he be with her if she wanted him?
Hugs for you, it COULD just be the hormones raging smile I'm not saying its just that, but I'd check more into it/ talk about it on a different day to see how you feel.

ErikNorseman Sat 05-Jan-13 18:45:41

They are extremely lucky (and rare)

drypond Sat 05-Jan-13 19:04:02

Hi thanks for the replies, he said he doesn't want any trouble with his exs family but he said he wouldn't hear a bad word said about them and she'd done nothing wrong with the tags after he originally said he felt it was about inappropriate.

It's just a feeling because of our conversations, it's almost like he can't bear the thought of me being equal or better, a small example I was on about pregnancy weight gain and he was like X didn't put as much on as i have and lost it straight away thing is she didn't she put loads on and it took a good year to shift. I'm not bothered either way it doesnt affect me but why would he lie? Sounds really petty, but this is with everything, from the settees I have

Maybe I'm focusing to much my best friend thinks after the baby is born il be more chilled and our lives will come together more and then il know but I have 9 weeks left and it will be a long 9 weeks to wait. I think I'm just going to just tell him if its anything to do with the ex do I really know about it.

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