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Silver heart pendant (name change)

(187 Posts)
Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 21:48:07

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

badinage Wed 09-Jan-13 16:49:50

I'd give yourself a bit of a break about that. You were in good company; at least 5 women thought the same eh? Caroline still does, I shouldn't wonder....

I'm glad you realise that the petty complaints were false and that these have got nothing to do with why he wants out.

I still think you've got to make a shift though from thinking that this has got anything to do with the business, his operation or his low self-esteem. Although someone who's a serial cheat is chronically selfish and entitled and their affairs are just symptoms of that, they don't deserve even a shred of sympathy about the damage they cause to themselves.

The people who deserve the sympathy are the innocent men, women and kids who get destroyed in their wake.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 16:44:56

Then a man who wants to leave on the basis of petty, is obviously childish and petty himself, he just wants you to take the blame, dont, because he's responsible for himself. In time, you'll be happy in your world, us girls move on because thats what we do.

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 16:38:12

Actually, the list of complaints is so petty, that I know this is not to do with me. My mistake was investing my emotions and future with someone who is not able to commit to me and my children.

badinage Wed 09-Jan-13 16:29:11

Thanks for the clarification.

If you've been friends with these bods for some time, I'd put money on his feelings for Caroline turning inappropriate way before September. But funnily enough, you said earlier that you thought it was the business sale that was the catalyst for things taking a turn for the worse and even named the month. You said:

"It's been since it has sold that things have gone downhill - about September onwards."

and yet the most obvious reason for things going downhill that month was his affair starting with Caroline. You've said in your last post that:

"The 'friendship' with Caroline has been going on since about September."

What I think's happened here is that much earlier in the summer, he started having reciprocated feelings for Caroline and started projecting a load of complaints on to you.

I'm wondering whether you only discovered stuff in September and because he was treating you like crap you decided to do some investigating then?

But by that time, it was already too late?

I would stop thinking that your behaviour and actions have got anything to do with what's happened.

I think that's what you were meant to think.

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 15:50:44

The 'friendship' with Caroline has been going on since about September. He suggested counselling as we kept going round and round about the issues. I was a bit depressed in the summer as I was exhausted after the business sale but he felt I was deliberately disengaging with him and behaving selfishly. He says he believes I was planning to leave him - this is why I think he may have been having some sort of delayed stress reaction as he made some strange paranoid suggestions to me. I kept focussing on Caroline, not that he was having an affair but that his friendship with her was too intense and not comfortable. So we just kept going round in circles.

The christmas present was apparently chosen by my daughter with him, we had bought presents for all her family, husband and kids, because we all socialised together.

It was brought up in counselling but we only had 4 sessions because he then refused to go as he said there was no point. The counsellor focussed on other longer term issues with him - particularly his pattern of leaving relationships, which he obviously resented.

It has been rumbling for a few months but the actual point of no return seemed to come very rapidly. He says that it has been a process of attrition and his feelings wore down to the point where he just doesn't want to be with me. I know I was hard work in the summer, but that's what marriage is about, supporting eachother through the hard times. We have been together 7 years and our marriage deserved more effort - that's the bit that hurts the most.

badinage Wed 09-Jan-13 14:52:21

Really sorry to hear you're having such a sad day.

Just so I can 'get' where you're at with this though, have I understood things correctly, bearing in mind there's no link to other threads?

This other relationship with Caroline has been going on for a long time and you were sufficiently concerned about it that you went to counselling and got him to return the inappropriate present he bought for her? (Was that a Xmas pressie?)

But he resented this and said you were trying to control him?

Bearing in mind how you two got together and his previous relationship history, you could see the signs. Then she ended her marriage shortly followed by him ending yours.

When did all this start and did it ever get addressed in the counselling you had? What did the counsellor say about Caroline? What does her husband actually know?

I get that he ended things only 10 days ago, but it seems there's been a much longer build-up, unless you say otherwise. If I've understood this incorrectly though and it really was a complete bolt from the blue, I understand your shock better.

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 14:24:11

Thank you garlicbollocks and cakehappy - I do appreciate your words. Went for breakfast but not having a good day. Am in tears a lot - suspect its really kicking in now. Going to be proactive and make some calls to collect some information so I can be prepared for practical discussions. Am totally heartbroken.

cakehappy Wed 09-Jan-13 11:19:05

Hi OP, I think that you have been treated a bit harshly by other posters, you are doing so so well compared to what I would be like!! Such a painful time for you, I am sorry that things have turned out like this. Only time will tell about the OW, and I agree, its the end of the marriage no matter what way it went. Sorry for you, such a hard time.

garlicbollocks Wed 09-Jan-13 10:54:52

There's nothing wrong with taking a lofty approach. Having sympathy for the failings of a soon-to-be ex can help save one's dignity and, ime, provide some necessary distance. In the end, it doesn't matter how you frame it: "tragically flawed" covers a multitude of crimes. It's just a matter of arriving at a perspective that suits you.

You can't expect love to turn off at the flick of a switch, Totally! Usually it sort of runs down. Have you ever had an old car that you kept taking to the garage, until one day you sadly realised it wasn't worth the endless repairs? A bit like that! You keep driving it, going from optimism to exasperation at its coughs & groans, until one day it conks out and you're actually relieved it's over. You're doing the right thing by staying connected with your own, personal life - the more 'full' you are, socially and emotionally, the easier it will be to find your independent balance.

At the risk of sounding a bit gushy, I really do want to repeat that you sound like a lovely person!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:45:58

Totally I still loved my ex after he had an emotional then left, unfortunately, Love cant be turned on and off like a switch, its like an addict you get used to the life you made, and when it changes it hurts, but it does get better, once the head clears and the self worth gets higher, the impact is less, you'll be fine without him, lesson learned, he doesnt deserve your loyalty, and its something hes gonna have to miss.

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 01:33:05

Greg, much to my chagrin, I still love him, though his behaviour stinks. I'm making moves to get my life going, regardless.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:24:45

Badinage Either is possible, but the above will atleast give the OP the dignity she deserves. TBH, hes a man-child, who dont like rollercoasters, because the fall always comes after the high, my ex was much the same, happy when it was good, but fuck the world if it got a bit shit.

OP You may love him, but you shouldnt have to live your life waiting for him to grow up or get better, his own brothers are disappointed, he may have another woman or maybe, probably does, because it'll be new and exciting, more than like marriage number 5 will probably go the same way, because hes a child who cant cope with the bad,

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 01:16:35

I can see something of both, to be honest.

badinage Wed 09-Jan-13 01:10:13

I don't agree with that though.

It makes him sound like a tragic figure who just can't help ruining his own life and everyone else's.

I think this bloke is highly entitled and every time his life gets a bit 'real' or tough, he gives himself the reward of a new love affair and fucks over the last woman he promised was the love of his life.

Low self-esteem my arse.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 00:49:51

For some warped reason, this bloke you are married to can't allow himself the luxury of being settled, happy and content. He clearly has self esteem issues and feels unentitled to be happy, so will set about destroying every relationship he has.

Totally This is something you should say to him camly DH, Im sad that our marriage is ending, i hope you get the help you need to enable you to stay happy and settled, after me will be your 5th attempt at marriage, i think you punish yourself by ruining things, because you think you dont deserve it, when things were good, they were worth staying together for, i hope you find peace with yourself, it saddens me to say but i think you should move out until we can discuss the finer detail, shall i help you pack your things

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 00:35:35

But this is not about you, not in the slightest. For some warped reason, this bloke you are married to can't allow himself the luxury of being settled, happy and content. He clearly has self esteem issues and feels unentitled to be happy, so will set about destroying every relationship he has.

This. Very perceptive!

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 00:14:48

I have also arranged a weekend away, with a very old and dear friend in Essex this weekend. Feel nervous about being so far away from home, we are in the West Country but think it will give me a bit of time off.

Totallydistraught Wed 09-Jan-13 00:12:43

I will do, thanks. Currently watching DVDs in front of the fire. DH has had rare trip to pub for friend's birthday. Found myself being disappointed when he came back earlier than expected. He and his buddy are currently ensconced in the garage, smoking and drinking whiskey. Think I am the more comfortable!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 08-Jan-13 23:26:38

Enjoy the breakfast in the morning. You are going to need your friends now more than ever. Try to forget about all of this while you are there.

AnyFucker Tue 08-Jan-13 22:17:22

Ah, have a nice time anyway. And what I say still stands smile

Totallydistraught Tue 08-Jan-13 22:03:26

Not mine, no, one of my girlfriends. But an unexpected invite - so I'm making the most of it!

AnyFucker Tue 08-Jan-13 21:46:41

Your birthday ? Many happy returns. Let's hope you are in a more peaceful place by the time your next one rolls along. Although of course, you can make sure that is entirely in your own hands.

garlicbollocks Tue 08-Jan-13 19:19:25

Good luck! Glad you're keeping busy ... Is it your birthday?

Totallydistraught Tue 08-Jan-13 19:08:16

It was good, she says she thinks I am doing well in the circumstances and have capacity for happiness in the future and I came out feeling pretty positive. Then I get home....he is bantering with my 13 yr old DS and all I can think of is the destruction to come. Off to choir tonight, a good sing helps. Then a birthday breakfast in the morning. Trying to keep busy.

AnyFucker Tue 08-Jan-13 18:26:10

how did the counselling go, OP ?

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