Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Blackmail or Extortion? ExH says he wont hand over dc tomorrow unless I give him money!!

(47 Posts)
MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 21:37:06

This is an update to an earlier post a few days ago.

Tonight I got a text from my ExH who has had my DC For the last two nights. He now says he will not hand him over tomorrow unless I hand over the money owing to my dc. He is referring to the child benefit I receive.

I have had numverous texts over the last week demanding my child benefit number so he can claim it or to hand over money to him to buy clothes. I have kept all the text messages he sent.

We have no legal care agreement as he refused to accept any of it. I am legally separated, I just couldn't afford a divorce sad I have received child benefit since my ds was a baby. I am right in saying this identifies me as the main carer? He has constantly told me he won't pay for things because I receive child benefit even though he is paid a good salary, and now he says our dc has nothing to wear that fits? In my home my dc has a wardrobe of clothes that fit! The previous post explains more. I spoke to the online benefits helpline earlier in the week and told them he was blackmailing me for child benefit and gave them details.

I can't get a solicitors appt until next week.

What can I do? I intend to go there tomorrow to collect him. If he refuses to hand him over do I call the police? I have no idea re the law in this respect.

Why after years of separation can he just not let me live in peace?

I hope that made sense.

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:24:27

DC is a teen.

Control - yes I think it's a factor. I think he does want a response and I am not giving him one tonight.

Child benefit agency say I am entitled to the money, I told them all the details. ExH is free to contest it if he wishes, it is their decision re entitlement. For the last few years when my son has school trips, out of school activities, needed a bike for cycling at school, needed shoes, jacket, or a school inform. All I got was 'you pay for it you get child benefit and I did pay for all of these things. In my book those are not the actions of a father who cares at all for his child? Yet my son wants contact....

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:31:33

exH is so manipulative, goodness knows what he is saying to my dc. I would hope my dc can see through him.

DontYoujingle, I will post on legal too, thanks for that.

GuffSmuggler Fri 04-Jan-13 22:31:37

I really don't understand, child benefit barely covers what a child needs - it's not like you are stock piling all this cash, you have been using it to raise your child!?

Xales Fri 04-Jan-13 22:32:15

Kids aren't known for their wisdom.

Generally they want both parents to love them and give them attention. You are doing it every day so he doesn't have to fight for it from you. He 'wants' it from his dad as well.

Hopefully once he is older he will see everything you have done for him and you and he will have a close bond and relationship.

He will never have that strength of bond or closeness etc with his dad.

I don't know how men like this can sleep at night they have no conscience.

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:37:21

Guff - I know, £80 a month. I don't claim for anything else, even if I gave him money would it stop at that? I doubt it.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:39:44

Have you had any payments by way of child support from your exH?

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:46:56

Xales -it worries me, my ExH manipulated me for years until I finally realised what he was doing, also thanks for your advice. I hope dc does realise that I would do anything and always dc comes first, even if it is when he is older...

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 23:15:15

What would your DS's views be on staying for longer tomorrow? Have you been able to speak to your DS? Is there any way of contacting him without speaking to your ex, i.e. does he have his own phone?

What exactly are the arrangements for handover tomorrow?

I think there are 2 possible options for dealing with this in the short term.

1. Call the police and report him for blackmail.

2. Don't give him a drama. Text back to say you will not be providing CB details, or indeed cash. Any continuance of this will be reported to police as blackmail. Ask him to let you know when suits to collect.

If he won't let your son return back to you, then contact the police about both blackmail and false imprisonment. Given the ambiguity about residency orders etc, police may not be able to do much about if he keeps your DS, but they will at least call and speak with your DS. There is however clear evidence of blackmail. SS could be useful allies for you, and a call to the duty social worker expressing concern for your DS's wellbeing might help.

Longer term, I would suggest getting a solicitor's letter sent; going to CSA; and showing your DS the household budget as someone else suggested.

HappyNewHissy Fri 04-Jan-13 23:45:11

Call the police.

Don't text him. don't alert him, just ignore. For now. Get your DC back first.

If you tell him you'll refuse to pay, he'll potentially flee, or take other action to punish you.
Radio silence. Refuse to negotiate.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 00:55:07

You have to go to the CSA. If he earns good money then he can afford to pay you.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 05-Jan-13 07:10:25

i might have missed this but where does your son live for the majority of the time?

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:00:06

Jumping - since we separated, care has fluctuated but the majority of care has been through me. Fortunately I still have some paperwork to show this. The problem is he wanted shared care, but then refused to agree to this in our separation agreement. Then I found myself doing the majority of it, except for the odd month when it suited him.

I should have gone to the CSA. The reason I didn't go - I was alone, little money. I knew there was a strong chance that he would do something like this back then just out of spite. Would you believe over 5 years legally separated and now he does this!

Lueji Sat 05-Jan-13 09:06:14

How are you communicating with him?

Make sure all is written, text or email.

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:17:21

Beryl - thanks for that advice. I will try to call and speak to DS this morning if he doesnt want to leave I thought I might go in to our local police station and at least get advice. I can show them the texts too. Exh behaviour does concern me.

Why after all this time start behaving like this? Is it because I am now happy in my life? I don't want my son subjected to this. Surely this sort of behaviour ie hand over money or I am not handing over dc will not look good in a court?

hardly slept a wink last night.

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:20:41

Lueji- txt only to exh and on hindsight I'm glad I have proof of his behaviour on my phone. I will need to phone dc - doesn't like mobiles!! Must be the only teen who doesn't want a mobile!!

BerylStreep Sun 06-Jan-13 10:36:31

I always thought child benefit was to go towards food, and general upkeep, not just clothes.

Hope all goes well later. What time were you due to pick up?

He does seem to be upping the anti. I wonder what his plan is?

financialwizard Sun 06-Jan-13 13:14:13

Good luck OP.

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago (DS was 7) and the Police weren't interested so my Dad and I drove to the exes house and forced entry when the exes gf opened the door. We grabbed him and left. He threatened me with solicitors and court but it never happened.

I often wonder what it is with exes and money. Must be a control thing.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:05:01

OP, how did it go yesterday?

MsSavingPennies Mon 07-Jan-13 20:53:10

Just an update, and thank you all for your advice.

I called ds on Saturday and got ExH on the phone. He was going on about how ds had nothing to wear? Anyway I ignored his whining and said I would collect him as I arranged. I was waiting a for a drama but it was very strange, he said ok and no problem re money!! So we went from one extreme to the other!

So ds is with me and I have an appt with my solicitor.

I have a feeling that exh was spoken to by a family member, and told to get a grip.

tribpot Mon 07-Jan-13 21:13:08

So pleased he's home. I assume he won't be going to his dad's for a while.

Lueji Mon 07-Jan-13 21:15:58

Could the family member be DS? smile

BerylStreep Tue 08-Jan-13 16:08:23

Brilliant outcome!

How many days until you can divorce online?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now