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Support thread for those going through divorce..?

(183 Posts)
ChangeAfoot Fri 04-Jan-13 18:04:59

It looks as though H and I are going to get divorced, have first appointments with lawyers booked over the next few days. I'm feeling horribly erratic - it was his decision but we've been miserable for ages and he's very difficult to live with. There's also been an affair (his), and his non-stop complaints and criticism, and in recent months his unemployment, to wear us down.

I was wondering if there was already a support thread for those going through these trials, because I'm so up and down and absolutely gutted about the end of "the dream" (albeit a shit one where you wake up in a cold sweat wink) and worrying about what lies ahead - social pariah-hood and destitution, if my worst fears were ever to be realised. I'm so tearful a lot of the time, although am already having flashes of feeling lighter and wondering whether I'll look back and thank my lucky stars.

If there isn't already a thread, and anyone else in a similar position fancies venting with me, then be my guest grin

<seethes in anticipation>

She70 Wed 30-Jan-13 20:50:22

Yes change it was tough going but hopefully the agreement will get signed and we can move onwards. I've started to look at houses I potentially could afford. Sometimes I can even do it without crying!

Not sure if it helps anyone but I spoke to my building society this morning and it is possible to get a mortgage using your maintenance payment, your tax credits and your child benefit as income! Apparently you total the 3, and then take 60% of that amount to give your yearly income that they will give a mortgage based on. I am hoping not to need a mortgage but its good to know that if I need a small amount, then potentially I could top it up. This is in the event that I don't have a job of course, which I am hoping against hope that I will have!

It is all so heartbreakingly sad. I am now 2 months down the road since my husband left and I can honestly say that sometimes the sadness literally takes my breath. The children keep you going of course and I've found it helps immensely to have a practical thing to sort out, be it finances, sorting my CV, finding out about mortgages etc. It just gives me something else to focus on and before I know it another day has passed, its time for bed and I wake up knowing that I'm another day closer to feeling ok. Its no way to live but as they say, this will pass !

I'm also doing a dressmaking course evening course (my mum babysits) and I've found this is so therapeutic. I get to learn something useful and socialise with people who don't know me from Adam so I am there in my own right - not poor old xxxx, whose marriage has just broken up! Every little thing helps!

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 21:13:13

hi club! Salad : I can not believe your story is so similar to mine! 9 years of no intimacy has managed to erode my marriage too, and I am coming to terms that divorce will be the only way out. We bought a house of our dreams 2 years ago ( what were we thinking...) and it is causing more problems then anything, letting go of the house. I have no idea what will the court say, but it is looking as it is going to have to be sold. I have been unhappy far too long and although I love my husband and we live like brother and sister total breakdown of intimacy makes it impossible to continue. it is all very sad but I am 35 and have to stop being scared of the future. I think if I wasn't totally financially dependent I would have perhaps acted sooner. I am jobhunting at the mo which is not easy with 2 kids and a career gap.
My biggest fear is a reaction of our 9 year old girl. I also have to be careful not to get trapped into a relationship sooner then needed as I am desperate for love attention and sex. But i will worry about it when i am divorced- as I said it is my girls I worry the most.

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 21:14:52

just to add I am going to CAB to get some legal advice, and my husband has been to the solicitor- he wants me to go with him and her to sort all our papers , he wants it all amicably. But I haven't promised anything yet and i want to see what my rights are independently.

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 21:17:27

She 70, that is good news about the mortgage. First time buyers included? I have no job so I am hugely sceptical about the whole thing, but worth checking out

She70 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:36:47

nosferatu I am not sure if its first time buyers as well. I think it is as that was an option on the calculator. But if you have a property already, even in joint names you won't be considered a first time buyer anyway.

It is so incredibly hard. I am still in our marital home atm, which was our 'forever home'. I can barely believe I am going to have to sell it. I really love this house! I've been through such a wide range of emotions, its a wonder I have not gone mad. Having to tell our 5-yr old we have to move is going to be excruciating. I cannot even begin to imagine how the conversation is going to go but I will probably seek advise from somewhere before I do.

Before I told him that his Daddy was going to move out I spoke to his school about how they recommended handling it. Their advise was great and I followed it to the letter. They have since been really great at communicating concerns etc with him which is really helpful. It definitely helped that I involved and included them in what was happening. So if you haven't already it might be worth talking to them.

My marriage was also emotionally and physically dead for years and years. As it turned out this was because my ex had a gambling addiction, as well as a drink problem which he was hiding. No wonder he had become so detached, he was hiding a lot of secrets! I think I am craving love, intimacy and emotional attachment as well but the thought of ever getting involved with another man at the moment is just inconceivable! No thank you!

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 22:19:54

SHE70 I am totally unprepared to handle the kids and their emotions, an also to come to terms with the dream home thing. My rational mind is saying " get rid of it sooner rather then later" and it is just 'bricks". But of course we do get so attached with our homes.
I have been depressed for a while and I am staying in bed far too much and drinking more wine then I should ( DH is also threatening), as I have been unemployed for a long time and totally dependent. My family is in another country too. I need to get myself employed before I do anything. Getting ready in the morning and giving my life some meaning will help me be more stable going through this hell. I a doing an OU degree but it is not enough.
I am not having much success, sending 50 cvs a month on average.

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 22:21:31

also, one this is all done and dusted for you you will find your libido again and learn to regain trust in men. They are not all assholes and there is a sex life somewhere waiting for us!
We just need to be careful not to be too influenced by our crap marriages.

changeafoot Wed 30-Jan-13 22:25:23

It is so incredibly hard, isn't it? God, letting go of the 'dream house' - I'm clinging on to that particular aspect for dear life - wonder if ours will have to be sold too? In a way I wonder if it might be for the best, it's a lot of work to maintain and on lots of different levels - nightmare to keep tidy... was wondering tonight if once I've gone back to work and then have to do all the bath/bedtime stuff, will I just be falling knackered into a chair surrounded by detritus? She -

I've had a truly shit day, dreadful PMT making me feel deranged, plus waking up to find that H had gone away for 3 days because he is stressed - literally, left in the middle of the night. And we're half-way through potty-training twins here - oh yes, it's a laugh a bloody minute.

She - shuddering to think of all these difficult conversations ahead. What was the school's recommendation re. telling your 5yr old about moving out?

nosferatu - sorry to hear of your troubles too. I think you're right to seek independent advice first.

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 22:38:30

changeafoot I am thinking the same. This house is huge and we have an extra lounge we are not using. it is beautiful though and everything we ever wanted. But there is no way I can afford the bills in 4 bedroom plus property and no job. It has enabled me to finally get an au pair and have childcare covered, but it will be impossible to hold on to. rationally I should take 50/50, and get a smaller house and a mortgage which will not cripple me, and sell this. If I had the money I would gladly leave my husband here - he worked hard for it and he loves it, plus his mums money went into it as well ( I do not hate him at all) . This paradox is even worse in that respect. It will most likely have to go, but maybe MR LAW has different ideas, i don't know.

nosferatu Wed 30-Jan-13 22:39:29

I am sorry you are tired and potty training twins is a good idea of hell. I hope you get your energy back soon (hug)

nosferatu Thu 31-Jan-13 09:12:47

I am curious as to what do you have as the official reason for your divorce?
Me and my DH just don't get on, but there is no adultery, abandonement , etc.

changeafoot Thu 31-Jan-13 09:19:34

smile Well neither of us has issued a petition yet - have to admit that I'm dreading it. I think I want to be the one to do it, although how we decide that I have no idea. We'll have to do unreasonable behaviour...

She70 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:12:33

Our house is big too. 5-bedrooms with really large sized rooms and a massive dining room that I never even go in to. Way too big for me and children. That said I do love it and I think selling it may just about kill me but there are benefits which I keep reminding myself of. Namely, no mortgage, or very little for me. My ex frees up his salary so he can get a mortgage, get something for himself a little bigger and be able to have the children for overnight stays. I am no longer financially tied to the man whose gambling addiction is totally unpredictable. Plus if I buy something smaller I don't have the perpetual on-going maintenance of such a large house which currently I have no idea how I am going to manage on my own!

Jeez, its bloody bloody awful though. Whichever way you look at it. I've got an estate agent coming this morning to value the house and I am steeling myself to not cry the entire way through it!

nostferatu if you wait for 2 years, just separated, before filing for divorce then you don't have to cite any reasons. Its only if you divorce within the 2 years that you have to give a reason. My solicitor said that you can basically twist anything to be 'unreasonable behaviour' if you wanted. Even things like - 'he likes and wants to watch sport all weekend. I don't'. Not sure if its really that simple but he seemed to think it was!

change , the school advised me to tell my ds as little as possible. He didn't need to hear the details about how mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore, or daddy is a gambling and drunk shithead. As tempting as it is. So I sat my ds down, gave him loads of cuddles, told him how much we loved him but explained that Daddy was going to live somewhere else and was going to be closer to where he worked. That was it. He totally accepted it. He did ask me if daddy was still going to be part of our family which totally broke my heart so I just replied that of course he was, that we were always going to be a family, me, daddy and him and his sister. Loads of reassurance that he could speak to his Daddy whenever he wanted, which I have followed through with and just trying to make him feel as secure as I could. As everyone keeps saying if you make it normal then to them it will be normal so that is what I've tried to do.

I am really looking forward to hearing about your course at the weekend. I looked it up but its such a long way for me to go. Will keep it in mind if there is one more local to me.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Thu 31-Jan-13 17:19:28

She70 your sol is right. The courts understand that unreasonable behaviour is the way to go if you want/need a divorce asap, and are not in the business of keeping people married against their will.

Dillie Thu 31-Jan-13 19:12:19

Hey ladies smile things here are still pretty much the same.

He is still adamant he is not moving out. And determined to give it 6 months until I " get the love back"

However, I am in a bit of a quandary about the house. I love this house and dd is happy here. All her friends from school are literally on our doorstep, so I think she may find a move hard. I have found a couple of places to look at that are not that far away, but I really want to avoid too much upheaval as much as possible.

Sometimes I think a fresh start is good, but then I think perhaps I should fight for the house.

Mum and dad have offered to buy the house as my granddad died last year and they would like to put the money to good use. So effectively we have a cash buyer and I would pay them rent. We would have a tenancy agreement and the house would be left in their will to me and dd should anything happen. When I come to sell, I would get a share of the profits and capital.

However stbxh refuses point blank as he says that the maintenance he will pay will be to pay part of the rent to a house he has no right to the capital of, and why should I benefit when he can't. When I pointed out that it doesn't matter if it is this house or another, he will still be paying maintenance.

He then said he will refuse to pay anything!!

One thing that really gets my gander is that if we sell this house to dp's he would end up with more in his back pocket as we would not have to pay agent fees!!

I have booked a solicitors appointment, but it's not for another fortnight!!

All this is seriously giving me a headache, and at times I just want to give in sad

ladymuckbeth Thu 31-Jan-13 21:14:54

Dillie that sounds exhausting. And you sound like another person to add to our list of wanting to hang onto the family home if possible. I'm trying really hard to think about alternatives, but keep thinking of madcap schemes that would keep us here without it being bonkers.

Your STBXH sounds like he's saying whatever comes into his head to try to avoid the inevitable, or to try to get you to change your mind. Mine loves to tell me that if I start divorce proceedings, we'll "lose everything and end up with nothing". Way to make me feel good about it! (Bearing in mind this was all HIS farking idea!)

Had a hideous day yesterday, culminating in it taking 2 hours for the children to go to sleep after I put them down in their room. TWO HOURS! Tonight they went straight down, angels, and I'm feeling quietly relaxed and okay about things. Helped marginally by 2 glasses of Oyster Bay wink

changeafoot Fri 01-Feb-13 23:03:27

Hello all.

Have been trying to write a post on here for a while, but for some reason I find it really hard to write about all of this - does anyone else find similar? It's as though there's too much to say, and I worry all the detail is mind-numbingly boring to anyone but me.

H is away for a couple of days, first time we've had the house to 'ourselves' since all this happened. It's been GREAT, although a bit tough on occasion with the DC. They've asked after him a few times but nothing major - makes me realise that if/when he moves out, it probably won't be as hard as I imagine.

On the other hand, he left me on Wednesday with a mysterious text which has had me worrying all week. It said "DO NOT petition for divorce while I am away, I promise I won't either. If you do it will start a chain of events which will see us lose everything. Trust me on this." FFS. How to scare me...

On a whim I phoned the Wikivorce helpline (She was it you who mentioned this?) and spent an hour chatting to the bloke who set it up, no less, who really put my mind at ease. What a great service that is, can't believe it - he is a trained mediator but has been through divorce (what prompted him to set it up) and obviously is well versed in it all. As he said, he can't give official legal advice but I can't believe he sat and listened to my drivel and made me feel SO much better afterwards. Well recommended.

Had better get to bed, have the workshop tomorrow. Will report back. I am starting to feel as though this is definitely going to happen. It is scary, but I must keep talking to people who make me feel better. It's no coincidence I think that H scares the shit out of me about our "prospects", and then has a massive go at me if I dare to be paranoid about what he's up to.

leadinglady Sat 02-Feb-13 00:57:04

Change, good luck for tomorrow. I am 2 weeks in to separation but we are still living together until i can find somewhere else to live. I wanted to end the relationship before Christmas but didn't want to ruin that time of year, so decided need to start the new year with a fresh start.

I too get moments of excitement, I've decorated and furnished my new house, just the way i want it (albeit in my head. )

NOTHANKYOU (not shouting, am new to this and can't get the 'bold' and 'underline' to work.) I totally understand about finding 'your old self'. and preparing for singledom. I too started getting in touch with old friends that i have not seen for a million years, some of them have separated / divorced since i last saw them.

My 2 mayor problems are how to tell DCs and finding somewhere to live. I don't want to stay in the family home mainly because i hate the house and area - always have never wanted to move here in the first place but DP made me feel guilty about having kids so this was my compromise and sadly the beginning of the end of the relationship and one of the reasons for losing touch with friends. I feel really ashamed to invite friends to the house and so stopped seeing friends. sometimes can't believe I sold my lovely one bed Victorian conversion flat to live in this mess of a house in a neighbourhood that I hate.

sorry didn't mean to rant. I have a separate thread where i'm being sensible about the separation but have enjoyed this little rant.

And good luck for tomorrow. If you are resolved to end the relationship be strong and stick to your guns.

I have found this site surprising supportive so do come back if you need support. would send you a glass of wine for courage but don't know how. :-)

leadinglady Sat 02-Feb-13 01:29:14

Sorry Change, I posted on the wrong threat. was trying to send this message to crapartist who is ending a relationship tomorrow.

I am sure i'll get the hang of this site soon enough..

She70 Sat 02-Feb-13 07:45:53

change good luck today with the course. Am looking forward to hearing the details.

I found that by writing all the crap down that is in my head it has actually helped clarify some things. You could write it on here, its always helpful to get others input or you could start a blog. You can keep it anonymous and you don't need to tell anyone that you are writing it if you don't want to. I started one in December and I really enjoy writing it. I started off by only telling one or two people about it but I've expanded it a little bit now but its still only about 5 people who read it. Primarily its a place for me to rant and clear my head.

I can send you the link if you like so you can see what I've written.

Dillie Sat 02-Feb-13 09:07:15

Morning ladies.

Just wanted too say best of luck for today change Will be thinking of you.

I have 3 house viewings today that are fairly local. I am hoping once I have seen these, then it will clear my head on what to do.

All this would be so much easier if stbxh actually agrees to separation!

leadinglady Sat 02-Feb-13 11:33:58

I must learn not to post late at night until I can navigate this site properly.

Nosferatu 9 years without intimacy and you are only 35 wow! that's most of your promiscuous yrs gone!. it is amazing how our the lack of intimacy can affect everything. I have posted that its been 5 years for me, that was because i was embarrassed to admit that its actually been nearer 10 . but 5 yrs ago i was in the bathroom and asked DP to get me a towel and he passed me the towel by poking his hand through the door, he couldn't bear to see me naked.

Change; Good luck today, looking forward to reading the details.
I agree that writing this down here does clear my head. I have no one in rl that i can discuss this thing with it really does help. I could not believe how similar my situation is with so many on this site.

Have a great Saturday everyone

She70 Sun 03-Feb-13 19:12:52

How was the course change ? I hope you found it useful?

dillie good for you viewing some houses. I'm planning to start next week. Got 2 more estate agents coming to value the house tmrw.

Hi leadinglady welcome to the thread! I'm finding it really helpful to be amongst people who know what I'm going through.

changeafoot Sun 03-Feb-13 22:24:39

Am in a complete state if I'm honest She. Dreadful weekend at home, including him calling the police because of my "abuse" (ie. having an argument where I slightly raised my voice). It's all gone totally tits up.

The course would have been good had he not notified me half-way through that the police were there. The man wants 50 50 residency and yet I came home at 5pm to find the children in their pyjamas, one of them soaked in urine, the house a bomb-site, and him preparing toast and jam for their dinner. FFS.

I am in absolute pieces. He has told me repeatedly that if we petition for divorce now we will certainly lose "almost everything". I am so so scared. I am worried that there is some issue with his company (which he has recently dissolved) which impacts on everything, although he refuses to tell me what he's talking about.

comingintomyown Mon 04-Feb-13 08:12:29

Sorry you are having such an awful time change

I just wanted to give a positive spin on moving house

I too lived in a beautiful dream home that had to be sold. It went on the market a year after we split and I was very emotional about it, to the point where I insisted the estate agent conducted all the viewings as I couldnt face it

The actual moving day was truly awful with DS really upset and XH behaving like an utter prick and when I closed the front door with my 2 DCs beside me I thought I would lose control

As we drove away though I felt this soaring happiness that somehow I was like a snake shedding its unhappy skin and in those few minutes it took to get to our new house I went from devastated to triumphant. Very odd although you will all be familiar with the rollercoaster these things can be !

Anyway I can honestly say I never think about our old house really and am glad to be free of the responsibility it placed on me. Yes the process eg packing everything up and physically moving is demanding but you can get through it like everything else

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