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Where does the love go?

(216 Posts)
debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 04:13:12

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

debtherat Thu 17-Jan-13 03:36:34

No contrition re me that I can see. He is justifying his behaviour as sort of payback for my neglect and distance. He is still wrapped up in his emotional loss and thinking about his future... but not able to see very clearly. Some of his attitude about this is surprisingly hard .. makes me doubt that I know him v. well at all. ..worried for his commitment to our 2 DS and other practical/financial commitments. Is this normal change for 45+ man? He even mentioned the house as being something he paid for (forgetting that I paid the deposit on this and our previous home and that my salary has paid for holidays, food, stuff for kids and house... can honestly say none has been spent on me - certainly not £600+ Xmas pressies he spent on his v. short lived romance with OW.

AppearingDignified Thu 17-Jan-13 05:23:33

Deb you sound so spaced out that I think you're still in actual shock. This thread appearsto be your diary and it is very distressing to read about a woman who is being spoken to and treated this way but just responds by floating around in a daze. Can your RL friends not step in and give you some strength and insight?

Mimishimi Thu 17-Jan-13 07:00:01

He's a jerk and he blames you for it. Now he's not so subtly threatening you over financial matters. See a solicitor.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 09:12:29

Please believe me when I say he had the affair because he CHOSE to resolve his issues in this way. The responsibility is 100% his.

Yes, you both have 50:50 responsibility for the relationship - but he failed to talk to you about whatever problems he thinks you both are having. He could have chosen to suggest counselling, sent you an email, written a letter etc if talking was too difficult.

Instead he chose to have an affair and he is putting all the blame on you - how shitty is that.

Now he is making threats about finances. What a twat.

Read Shirley Glass as suggested upthread.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 09:15:12

If I were you I would tell him that I am worth far more than being second best and to tell him to leave so that you can think about what you want.

The worst thing you can do is to cling, beg and try and be the perfect wife - he will NOT respect you and he will just pull away.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 09:20:59
NormaStanleyFletcher Thu 17-Jan-13 13:17:09

Oh deb honey.

I know of a couple of people who's marriages have been saved by that book. But. And this is a big but. Their unfaithful partners admitted their full responsibility, did everything they could to make amends, and took back the blame they had put onto the faithful partner in the early days (and from reading on here that blame is part of a template that most of them follow).

If he is not prepared to do any or all of that then I really think you should ask him to leave, if only t to give you some space.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 17-Jan-13 13:32:56

Coming to this very late - but Deb, if you H has any intention of making a go of things with you, he should be down on his knees begging your forgiveness. He should be falling over himself to be a good partner to you and father to the boys.

The fucking you in the middle of the night thing is quite disturbing and your response seems very passive to everything.

Please find your inner anger and self belief & start being really cross with your H. Don't be second best to the "inspirational friend" who didn't want him.

izzyizin Thu 17-Jan-13 13:50:52

Aw jeez, he is an utter out and out berk.

How much of the house he reckons he's paid for does he think he'll be left with if you divorce him? The answer, happily, is a lot less than he may believe as, if he's unwilling to do, a Court will take the needs of the dc into account when determining the division of marital assets and maintenance.

It's time for you to lawyer up, deb. Source a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation and find out what you will be entitled to receive in the event you decide to bail out of this sham marriage - and whenever that may be, it won't be a day too soon

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 04:35:38

Finally got an apology by text - sorry for I let you down and hurt you. .. after a day of recriminations because I found love letter he wrote (he doesn't know I think) describing her as most beautiful woman he has ever met, daring to dream of their life together - this one not sent but he refers to an earlier one. I also got into his closely guarded phone - texts confirmed not fantasy but she seems much cooler than him and distancing herself... wondering if she just strung him along or he completely overstepped the mark... or just highly moral and doing right thing? Do people like this exist? The concert tickets he bought for her are for Sat night in London - he is on tenterhooks I bet waiting for the call to meet her. Pisses me off to think that they won't get used - over £200 - Alt -J???. Got a sauna/swim with friend tonight - pray to God will give me a full night's sleep and I might ask her advice (she used to be legal exec in family law firm).

madgered Fri 18-Jan-13 07:56:22

just reading through your thread OP. You're me in a nutshell.

I'm reading "getting past your breakup: how to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you" by Susan J Elliott. it's helping a lot.

every night before I go to bed I take out my note book and write down all my rage. Then I say some affirmations like "I am happy, I am bright, I am healthy, everything is all right". after that I lie down in bed and meditate. I visualize my guardian angel severing the ties between me and DH and I watch my DH float away until he disappears. I've started sleeping better now and I have found an inner strength.

divorce proceedings have started, they are nasty. but I know it will end and I'm looking forward to my new life adventure. Xx

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 13:12:16

We are v. similar but I don't want him to go ..I have a sneaking suspicion this is about him just having more time for himself too and his exercise/training. .. so he can prioritise this over me, the kids, domestic stuff all he really does is empty the bins once a week!!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 18-Jan-13 13:34:30

As long as he knows you don't want him to know, nothing will change.

LOSS is the only thing that is likely to motivate cheaters - loss of their home comforts, family etc will burst their affair/fantasy fuelled bubble.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 18-Jan-13 13:34:52

*As long as he knows you don't want him to LEAVE, nothing will change.

snowshapes Fri 18-Jan-13 13:44:57

"he came downstairs at 2ish and woke me up and basically just f**ked me. I was a bit out of it - obviously - only just managed to get to sleep"

sad Look back at that, honestly and with as much clarity as you can muster. If someone else wrote that, what would you say? It's about reasserting his position, and possessing you - it is not about love. I am another one who would call it rape, there was certainly not awake, engaged consent. Coupled with emotional abuse, which is what you have described. I would tell him to go.

I have been a single parent, I would become one again in this situation. You have your dignity, your autonomy, and best of all, when you are stronger and comfortable in yourself, the chance of meeting someone who respects you.

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 14:00:36

Fingers crossed the concert gets cancelled due to the current weather conditions as he may get his money back, in which case I suggest you order yourself £200 of whatever you fancy in full and reasonable expectation that he pays the bill.

Knowledge is power. Get sound legal advice and with that knowledge, you'll have the power to start pushing his buttons just as he's done to you.

What a self-entitled fucking twat you married. FGS, honey, give some serious consideration as to what purpose he serves in your life because no man's worth what you're going through.

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 14:04:38

There's no helping you if you want him to stay because you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

If you think you can rescue this marriage on your own you are sadly mistaken.

He doesn't respect you and he doesn't love you.

VitoCorleone Fri 18-Jan-13 14:19:40

You seriously need to leave this man!

He has made it clear that he's only with you until something better comes along.

I really dont want to be harsh as i know you're in a bad place right now, but seriously, get a backbone and tell him to get the fuck out of your house, tell him to fuck off with his OW and not come crying to you when he realises the grass isnt greener.

Why on earth do you want to be with him? He has absolutley no respect for you, he is knocking your confidence down constantly, you are spending your days on eggshells. This is no life. You deserve way better than this shit

Please tell him to go, and hopefully once he realises what he's done it will be too late, you will be happy and unwilling to forgive and forget.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 09:51:10

Please listen to what this man is showing and telling you he wants.

He wants you to do every thing in the house cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty clothes etc including his one job if putting the bins out.

In return he wants all his time for his hobbies, to explore any new woman he feels like,ignoring your emotional needs.

He will also if he feels the need decide to use your body to satisfy himself if none of the new women are around without your agreement.

Your merely exist to cook, clean, maintain the house and provide a hole when required.

Did he even use a condom to protect you from STIs or does he not even care about you that much.

He will then leave you with out a backward glance when this or the next spiritual connection clicks their finger.

You have no marriage it has gone. All that is left is you slaving to his requirements hoping he will treat you better.

You are worth more that this.

wiseoldowl Sat 19-Jan-13 10:10:19

Deb,
i have just read your thread & you seriously need to listen to the advice.

the other posters have seen this many MANY times before and you are getting excellent advice, unfortunately due to the shock you are in (& the fact that you dont want your life to change ...yes I've been there, I've cried for months on end) that you dont want to face reality.

This man is treating you with complete contempt...as my XH told me later - if it wasnt her (OW) it would be someone else. PLEASE think on this.

IMHO people need an excuse to escape from marriage, his OW wouldnt have him, so he will keep looking...& he will keeping treating you like shit if you let him.
TAKE ACTION, its about your self esteem & making YOUR choices at this stage.
Go for a long walk and seriously think about YOUR & DCs future
take careX

Springdiva Sat 19-Jan-13 21:03:25

The DSs which you both claim to be putting first must be aware of the tension and atmosphere in the house. They are probably upset but feel they must maintain the secrecy that everyone else is upholding. You're not being fair to them imo.

debtherat Sat 19-Jan-13 22:41:26

You are right - we are giving them both lots of reassurance and avoiding any serious discussions within earshot... but they know something is going on... the oldest one is being particularly loving and the younger one wanting more cuddles. DH is also being v. nice to them to his credit.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 22:47:53

Your responses on this thread are very odd.

As though you're not listening to a word anyone is saying.

debtherat Sat 19-Jan-13 22:56:30

Well he didn't go to the concert - not sure if cancelled... bloody waste of £200 quid if it did go ahead. Got back from shopping at lunchtime and couldn't see his car and for few horrible minutes though she had clicked her fingers and he had gone... but still around. He was to me anyway visibly upset the rest of the day but I think he is trying to be nice. I am starting to think the OW took him for a ride...probably not the one he wanted!

We have had sex a few times - and it has been good - feel the whole thing has raised my sexual interest because I am craving closeness - not sure about him - we are not sleeping together afterwards. I have also become a bit manic about doing things - spring cleaning/de-cluttering in the middle of winter... I know this is using physical activity to quieten my mind. I still feel on high alert when he is on PC/using phone. I know I need a big conversation with him about what next but I want him over the OW and thinking clearly, being able to talk without too much high drama.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 22:59:37

Okay I'm out of this thread......I think your reaction to this and your responses on this thread are just weird.

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