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Where does the love go?

(216 Posts)
debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 04:13:12

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

xkittyx Sat 05-Jan-13 08:59:41

Putting up on Facebook about an "amazing, inspirational new friend" was beyond cruel.

Redflagcatcher Sat 05-Jan-13 09:27:48

Really feel for you. I remember this time ohhh so well. It is the worst time. Take control, let yourself be empowered.

Being a single mum has been a much better and healthier experience for me than living with my cheating xh who didn't think of his kids or me while seeing his ow. He doesn't deserve you or your lovely ds's.

My ds's are just fine without their dad in the same house, it's calm and happy here with no underlying resentment and destroyed trust that would have persisted if I had agreed to his idea of working on it.

Let him skulk off into the ohhh so wonderful world of singledom and dating looking for 'excitement' and 'connection' and telling every potential gf he left his family after an affair.

He's mistaking love for the infatuation stage not long term commitment and day to day support and hard work.

He'll work it out, look back and grieve for the loss of his lovely family while you (single mum or not) will be recovering and settled and happy. That is the only way he will see sense sadly.

Redflagcatcher Sat 05-Jan-13 09:30:52

Btw me xh is 'popping' round yet again this morning to 'drop stuff off'......I still see the look in his eyes when he sees us in our lovely home and so happy.

Then he will go and see his gf and listen to her screaming and shouting at her numerous dc's and listen to her troubles with her xh.....oh what a joy for him.......reality hits hard.

Charbon Sat 05-Jan-13 13:26:09

Late to this thread but deb please consider dealing with this entirely differently.

If you want your marriage back despite his affair, there really is only one course of action that has ever been known to work.

You must ask him to leave and tell him that you are worth more than ambivalence.

The only motivation that ever works in these situations is loss.

You can see how it's working a treat on your husband with the loss of the OW. It has just made him want her more.

It does terrible things to someone's dignity and psychological health if she gives all the power and choice in a relationship to someone who's hurt her and it's especially so if she allows herself to be second choice to another woman.

Please fake it to make it. You might think you want this man back but you need to give yourself time and space to think about that.

You might find that you do not, in the end and that you deserve more than this shoddy treatment, but if you do want him back he will only want to if he's lost you.

Please be a bit circumspect about what he's saying about your marriage and your sex life. The reality is that he checked out of it as soon as he met this other person and started a friendship with her. Everything since that point has been false in terms of your relationship.

If you want to assess your relationship more realistically, look at how it was before he met her. And don't forget to recall whether he was making you feel loved, cherished and desired intensely then. I'm sure he hasn't ever since he met this woman, but that is also a mirage....

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 14:00:03

Really grateful for your comments/support/listening. Still bit nauseous/shaky but self-preservation kicking in and starting to function bit better - which I need. Just rubbing along with DH at moment. Back to work Monday - hope no-one asks about my Xmas/NY - how unlikely is that! Just know this will take up so much mental and emotional energy over the next few weeks/months.

Charbon Sat 05-Jan-13 14:03:51

What's stopping you asking him to leave deb?

I really think he should. Your life will be far worse if you let an ambivalent man think he's got a choice.

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 14:09:21

So he wants to live like this (until he finds that exciting someone else to bugger off with), while you try to make family life perfect and give great sex.

I can see why he'd want that.

You really need to see this 'bargain' for what it is. He has told you it's over, but you're just trying to hang on. Problem is, you can't make someone stay. You don't want the 25 year marriage to be over, but you no longer have it - he has already checked out, he just hasn't gone.

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 14:16:03

Just very worried about practical things, impact on children and will miss him -be lonely without him (the nice him which he has been more than not).

It has made me realise how dependent I am on him (as he was on me I thought) - I really want him to be happy - not me being a doormat - 25 years of being with/loving someone but if he can't be that with me... then .. we've only got one life. And the oh so special OW, he was already talking about the next one/being free to play the field like she isn't so special (because she doesn't want to break up an unhappy home) but he needs a new love emotional or sexual(?) connection... which is not be definition possible with me.

He has a new job (from May 12) start - which is going well - wonder if this has changed his outlook as well as obviously meeting lots of new people. He has always got on well with women.

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 14:28:33

Oh God. Paranoia - just logged onto my msn page (our our shared home pc)and got message from Eharmony pop-up - 3 messages and also 16 matches - I'm sure I haven't seen this before - does this mean he has been on their website?, searching, & allowed cookies. I can't see what's on there (I'm not a member) - tempted to join and take a look - see if I can find him or should I just ask and check out his honesty levels??

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 14:33:43

Doesn't sound like paranoia in you, sounds like utter disrespect on his part. sad

You won't get much lonelier without him than you currently are with him, considering he has checked out on you. You can rebuild you without him, and the dc would adapt.

TranceDaemon Sat 05-Jan-13 14:41:16

Please get some self respect, what a total bastard. How could you even look at him again never mind want him back. Scumbag.

AppearingDignified Sat 05-Jan-13 14:46:10

Ask him to leave.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 14:51:40

That is not paranoia, he has joined a dating website. This shows that he has definitely checked out from you emotionally and is looking for someone/something else.

You have had fantastic advice here already from the usual great posters, Izzy Madabout Charbon . Their advice is spot on and you need to seriously listen to it.

I know you don't want to break up your family, but your H has already done that. He wont talk about OW as it would be unfaithful to her??!! What an arse!

If it's not her, it will be somebody else. Do you want to live the rest of your life now, with a man who is actively looking for somebody else?

My XH formed an emotional attachment to OW in Jan/Feb. Then walked out on me at the end of Feb saying that he no longer loved me. I divorced him in November.

It's not been easy for me and DD 4yo, but we are getting there. and yes, I do still sit and cry for the loss of my love and for the life I thought I was going to have, but at the same time, my house is a lot less stressful, I am closer to DD and I am surviving.

If you don't ask your H to leave on your terms, he will go anyway and you will feel even worse when he does. Or he will stay and be repeatedly unfaithful to you.

The eharmony thing should be the final straw for you. Pack his bags and ask him to leave while YOU think about what YOU want. It's not all about what he wants...

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 14:52:25

sorry missed cogito in the name check

NormaStanleyFletcher Sat 05-Jan-13 14:58:40

I agree with all the others.

You must make him leave.

Have you told anyone irl? If not you should. Can you tell your parents, his parents? You need some rl support.

Just keep remembering that.this is NOT your fault, it is not about any thing that you did or did not do.

It is about him and his weakness, and HIS bad choices.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 05-Jan-13 14:59:38

He is a bastard.

It definitely sounds as though he has been on the dating site.

I cannot believe that he has put comments on FB about her, that is beyond cruel.

He is not the man you married. Kick his sorry arse out.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 15:49:17

deb - you are worth much more than this.

Really do hope you are not going to allow him to remain in your home, going on dating websites and shagging around while you do his laundry, cooking and shopping.

This will only lead to him losing ALL respect for you and his shitty behaviour will get worse.

Think of the impact on the DC - they will pick up on the crap atmosphere. Do you want them to model future relationships on your marriage?

minouminou Sat 05-Jan-13 15:50:51

Get him out, my love.
Let's see how his quest for thrills goes, eh?

Charbon Sat 05-Jan-13 15:57:56

And I'm sure your marriage changed for the worse ....from about May 2012, didn't it?

You can't make someone love and respect you, but with selfish people who put their needs before others every time (including their children's) you can engender further disrespect by your own actions.

Who do you think he's got more respect for right now?

The woman who allegedly said she wasn't prepared to be an OW and withdrew? (but in reality could be playing a good game)

Or the woman who despite being treated cruelly and with complete disrespect is staying around to take more of that?

Which of the two women would you respect more, come to that?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 15:59:04

"see if I can find him or should I just ask and check out his honesty levels??"

I'm afraid he's already being brutally honest. He's already said that he'll be playing around but stomaching you until something better comes along. Why would knowing that he'd joined a dating site be a surprise to you?

I understand that you're in shock and casting around desperately knowing that what you want - a faithful husband and a happy marriage - is not possible any more but not knowing what to do for the best. I really do understand why you feel like a deer in the headlights, unable to move. But you need to move something and fairly quickly or what's left of your self-esteem will be a bloody pulp on the tarmac.

Viviennemary Sat 05-Jan-13 16:09:53

I was feeling a very tiny bit of see how things work out. But this can't talk about the woman because it would be a betrayal of her. confused What a total cheek he has. I agree take the intiative and say you want a temporary separation at least. If he's hurting so much he should be left to nurse his hurt on his own. How selfish!

mcmooncup Sat 05-Jan-13 16:32:04

OP, PLEASE ask him to leave.

Think of all the things you are frightened of:
The children? It is surely worse them hearing about their dad shagging around whilst still living with their mother

Your loneliness? It's not like you are going to be snuggled up watching a DVD of an evening. More likely he'll be cruising the net for a hook up.

When people are saying on here that you are worth more than that, please listen, you are telling your children that you are worthless by keeping him there. You must show them that you cannot go around treating people like horse shit and there be no consequences.

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 16:52:32

He's just gone out for long walk and then pub. Originally planned some family time but he changed his mind.

mcmooncup Sat 05-Jan-13 16:55:12

Perfect opportunity to pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep

He's probably gone out for some peace so he can message some women back from the dating site.

Pack. The. Bags.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 17:00:58

Agreed. Pack bags, bolt door and tell him to get lost while you've got the chance. Make a stand.

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