Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Laugh, Cry, Indifference?

(53 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:28

Hi all,

I'll try my best to keep it short - there's so much to say and I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

Some days I hate him. Others I adore him. Some days he adores me and the next, for no reason at all, he'll message me at work and blame me for everything, says he'll be so much happier alone and brings up things that happened 3 years ago e.g. that I 'was a tyrant and forbid him to see a friend' etc (the 'friend' was insulting me to DH's face, and DH (married 18 months) was doing zero to stand up for me).

My parents urge me to leave him.
He has Aspergers.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

Huge blow today: he recently got his job back but forgot to do some admin/clerical stuff, whose deadline has now passed. Instead of contacting someone and trying to get around it, he's just downed tools and refused to budge. I feel like I always have to pick him up and encourage him - whilst later getting told that I 'control him' and whatnot.

I'm 25 and, if I did leave him or let him leave me (he essentially, due to ASD wants to live alone in a studio flat and never have to interact with people), I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easily. I know, it sounds pathetic. A few months ago I would be crying right now; instead, I just feel indifferent and so 'blah'. I'm spent.

A huge source of conflict is money. The first year of marriage saw me paying for everything (his capital is in a foreign currency and we were both students). When he failed various exams/found life tough, he said he was going back to his home country. I then demanded half the money back (he thinks I'm ridiculous to have interpreted this whole thing as him leaving me and turning his back). He made excuses for months to not give me my fair share - bad currency rate, he wanted to see bank statements etc etc. It finally came to a head when I had to get my parents to demand it out of him.

DH calls this 'extortion' etc etc etc. We're living together and I have to pay rent on my own as he says 'I already overpaid you (his allegation only), so I'm not paying rent' - I can't kick out someone with whom I'm trying to save a marriage, can I?

His grandmother gave the two of ussome money at Christmas. I asked for him to transfer my half into my bank account. He refuses.

I'm so angry and yet so 'can't be bothered any longer'.

Please, someone, tell me what to do and make it all make sense?

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:25

"his grandmother had slagged off our wedding, worn white to the reception and failed to give us a wedding present. My complaint to him was that he needed to tell her this was not acceptable)"

You seem a little prone to over-reacting (you wanted him to tell his granny that it wasn't acceptable to wear white to your reception, and that she HAD to give you a present?? Your DH was stuck between a rock and a hard place if you were really giving him grief over that.

But really, whoever is right/wrong in individual matters, you just don't sound like you love him, nor he you. Get out now. FWIW I reckon that he is right when he tells you he would be happier on his own rather than with you (sorry).

Your OP implies that the only reason you are not leaving him seems to be because you are worried about dating. That's not a good reason to keep someone tied down. Let him go. You both sound miserable. Good luck.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:17

sorry, that sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to: it is clear that you are unhappy and, as you are young, the obvious solution is to separate even if that seems difficult. Change is often hard but it will be worth it as you will both have the chance to find more suitable relationships. It will all work out eventually. Try to stay friends.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:51

..and let him keep his grandmother's money.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now