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I assaulted my husband and called the police on him.

(81 Posts)
Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:25:13

It happened on Sunday. Dh didn't get home the time he said he would (I called him at 3pm, he said hw would be home in a couple of hours time and cook dinner) so when I called him back at nearly 6 he was at the pub and was clearly "merry" so I didn't even asked anymore questions about what time he would be back as I knew it was pointless, so I gave ddi dinner and managed to put her to bed earlier because I didn't want her to see him drunk. We were both really upset that he lied again, he told her on the phone at 3 pm that he was coming for dinneradinner she had been looking out on the window to see him. Anyway, once she was asleep I couldn't sleep myself and became very anxious, so started to drink (I normally don't drink, but I really wanted to relax and calm down as I was so angry and disappointed I believed him and again he let us down). Anyway, he came drunk at 8pm, I was sitting in the dark, he kept asking what I was doing, I ignored him, he went into the bedroom, I heard noises, went to check and he was on the floor struggling to get up, I than helped him up and told himto go lie down on the sofa as I didn't want to sleep with him...helped him out of the bedroom but him insisted coming in, so I shove him really hard, he knocked his head on the wall and fell on the floor. Ì than noticed he didn't have his wallet and iPhone in his pockets, and screamed in anger where they were,aand asking if he lost it, got mugged or robed (it happened before) but as he lie there not talking, I keep getting angrier and angrier and have to really control myself not to assault him again. He than somehow manages to get up and speek and starts causing me of stealing his wallet and phone. By this time, dd (5) is awake so I stop the argument but him carries on swearing and accusing me of stealing. I than call the police (2nd time, last time was October last year, similar reasons but at that time I was really calm and collected and he was verbally abusive) . The police comes and I tell them everything omitting my aggression, he is not able to tell the police his side of the story, but he is clearly intoxicated and I'm sober, so police take my side,. Meanwhile Dh finds his wallet in the bedroom and police call his phone which is in the pub (I tried to look for his wallet and call his phone when he was accusing me but couldn't find it/no one answered) . Anyway this made Dh look even worse so police take his keys and give him a lift the pub (there's a travel lodge close by) . After half an hour Dh called me desparate asking to come back and I let him, he is in floods of tears like I never seen before even though he is quite emotional. I tell him to have a shower and go to sleep. Following day we talk on the phone and agree to carry on normally until we are ready to talk and again he promises to get help, but...he is still drinking one or two beers at home after work, still smoking his sucking weed and after tomorrow is his staff party at work, I'm already anxious and worried this drama will happen again.

JollyGolightly Wed 02-Jan-13 22:43:26

You do need help. Take the advice given above and seek professional advice. This situation will only deteriorate if you do nothing, it is not normal for responsible parents to behave like this, and there is no doubt that your daughter is suffering significant damage that she is likely to take forward and replicate in her future relationships. You owe it to her to change, and you've made an initial step by asking for advice here, but you must follow it up with real life action. It's absolutely essential that you take responsiblity for yourself before looking to your partner to change; he may not be able to, I hope you can.

DrRanj Wed 02-Jan-13 22:56:19

If your husband is behaving badly, wait til he is sober and give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't change then leave him. But do not physically assault him in front of your dd. nothing justifies that.

VicarInaTutu Wed 02-Jan-13 23:11:56

OP, it sounds like you lost control, more through frustration.

you need a way to manage your behaviour - you cant control his, you can only control yours.

You need to talk to him - tell him how much the smoking and drinking is affecting you and your DD.

but, be prepared for him to do nothing to change - you cant control that and then you have some hard decisions to make about whether you can live with his drugs and drink....but losing control yourself wont help.

how drunk was he?

i can understand that if he does this a lot, getting drunk to the point where he loses his wallet and phone it must be very hard to live with, but you wont change him by screaming, assaulting him or calling the police.

You have some tough decisions ahead but sounds like you could do with some support before making them. Do speak to your gp, or even call womens aid

link here

DrRanj Wed 02-Jan-13 23:18:49

I got really pissed the other night, but my dp didn't hit me, he just laughed at me. Dorsn't happen often so why would he get angry?

Either it happens a lot, in which case he is not a good husband and you should get rid for your dd's sake.

Or it happens rarely, in which case your reaction was way ott.

In any case, no one deserves to have someone else try to control their behaviour with the threat of violence.

Ra88 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:05:22

Your a crazy drunk ! Regardless of your husband not coming home in time for his curfew .. You assaulted him , what if he hit his head even harder ?? You wouldn't be able to post on MN from a prison cell! Or would you blame him and say it was self defence ?? You don't drink yet your name on MN is disarono!?

Like everyone else said , poor child!

So what did your husband say to the police?

Did he tell them you had assulted him or did he go along with the story that he was too drunk and fell over?

QueenofNightmares Thu 03-Jan-13 13:21:22

Violence is never the answer. Just because someone drinks or smokes weed it doesn't give you an excuse to hit him. Think about how you would feel if he did it to you. Honestly he'd be better off alone away from you same as anyone else suffering domestic violence just because you're a woman doesn't mean what you did is ever okay and you should be begging his forgiveness or praying he doesn't remember and decide to take his DD away from his violent partner which is the advice that would be given to a woman in his situation.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 13:45:01

'OP, it sounds like you lost control, more through frustration'

Huh??? Would anyone even DREAM of saying this to a husband who had assaulted his wife?

What is worrying is that there were two out of control adults in the house- who was thinking about the child? And you LIED to the police- it's a criminal offence angry. What good will this do your daughter if you're arrested for perjury and your husband carries on drinking?

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:48:13

When exactly did I blame him or excused my behaviour? When did I say I was right and he deserved what I did? It wasn't the first time he came home drunk after saying to me and my daughter he would be back soon and sober, yet I'm not saying I should have done what I did. I lost control and I'm scared of myself. My MN name wasn't disaronno, I changed it for this thread.We had a deep conversation yesterday and although he doesn't see nothing wrong with weed smoking and alcohol drinking, he accepts it isn't right for him to tell us he is coming home, make us wait and show up hours later, so drunk that he can barely stand up, and looses his belongings (he lost many phones over the years, all full of family photos and this is his 3rd phone). Anyway I made it clear that I'm will not tolerate drugs in the house, lies, and I don't want to see him that drunk again. I took full responsibility for my issues and I'm going to see the GP and seek help. However he doesn't remember a thing up to the point the police officer talking to him so I didn't disclosure the assault.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:04

And yes, I could claim self defense because I told him to leave me alone and go to sleep in the couch and he was forcing the bedroom door open to get in so I pushed him. I pushed hard as I was angry but if he wasn't so fucking drunk, he wouldn't even move. He is stronger than me.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:35

'I took full responsibility for my issues'

'However he doesn't remember a thing up to the point the police officer talking to him so I didn't disclosure the assault.'

Well- NO. You lied to the police and you have lied to your husband.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:53:40

So, now I'm not even going to tell anyone in RL in case I'm arrested for perjury.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:54:53

Yes, I'm a liar and a nasty angry bitch.

RudeolfsHappyFlapper Thu 03-Jan-13 13:54:59

OP, you say your home is a normal happy loving home? Yet I've just read your other thread...http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1647833-Am-I-Narcissist-Borderline-or-just-an-ultra-Bitch
When did you say you name changed?

RudeolfsHappyFlapper Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:31
CarlingBlackMabel Thu 03-Jan-13 13:58:02

I can understand you pushing him if you didn't want him to sleep in the bedroom with you and he was trying to force his way in.

But you should discuss this with him too, and tell him what you did, and why you are, as you say, scared of yourself and the fact that you lost control. You BOTH need to address this, individually, as a couple, and as a family if you are to sort this out to ensure a safe secure family for your dd.

What happens next is the important thing, sorting out principles with your DH, and getting some help. Focus on that.

Good luck.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 03-Jan-13 13:58:57

You may not think you are blaming him but reading your posts that is all I can hear

I think you need to step back and clear your head. When he is later than he says do you let your dd see your anger?

My dh often says he will be home for bedtime but work keeps him later, I don't get angry or upset, we just carry on as normal with an 'oh well, we will see him for breakfast'

It's good you've had the conversation about drink and drugs. I wouldn't tolerate drugs in the house either do I can understand your anger about that. However, your house seeks like an incredibly stressful place - do you think drinking is his way of trying to escape from that? Perhaps you both need counselling

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:59:17

I name changed on the day I was drinking to open a thread while he was at the pub. I opened the other thread after that day because I wasn't ready to open this one yet.

I've just read your other thread. Tbh I think that is a bigger issue.
You said that your dd lives in a loving home, but that contradicts what the other thread says.
And also the part about over reacting and punishing people.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:12:26

Don't put the blame on me or the stress in the house for him to go out and get so drunk. I have been trying my best in this relationship since the beginning. His drunkenness killed our intimacy, my trust on him. He is a good man and alcohol us his demon, I don't think he fully realises he needs help. I think he is a functioning alcoholic and I made it clear I had an alcoholic father and don't want an alcoholic husband. I won't live my whole life being haunted by alcohol. He doesn't seem to want to stop drinking or seek help. He thinks he can learn how to control himself. Me, I have bigger problems, I don't need alcohol to be a bad person, I don't even drink and nowadays I'm miserable. So I'm getting help, if he isn't, divorce is the only way.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:12

I'm not blaming you. He is responsible fir his drinking and drugs. But your house sounds stressful and that seems to be down to both of you.

You have drawn your line in the sand about his drinking so follow through.

Your relationship sounds unhealthy for both of you. Couples counselling might help you ensure a break up isn't acrimonious.

But thats the point isnt it?

you admit you have problems, reading your other thread you seem really honest about the issues you have.

They must impact on the whole family, the same way your dh drinking impacts the family.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:55

The anger is bottled up inside me, and I punish people in a passive aggressive way, I don't hit them. I have good times with my daughter too, nowadays it is harder for me to enjoy it but I still make the effort. But comparing myself to other mothers who are so affectionate, I feel like shit sometimes..but she is loved and happy despite the troubles..I know she could've been even happier. And this is my aim now.

so work on you

You want to have a better relationship with your dd, you acknowledge it could improve, work on yourself.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:20:36

I know it impacts my family but it doesn't me my daughter unhappy or at risk.

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