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In a relationship I can't bear to leave, but can't make better.

(57 Posts)
sparklyjumper Wed 02-Jan-13 12:25:48

I'm sat here again wondering whether I'm depressed, damaged somehow, unable to have a healthy relationship. Or is it him, or both of us?

I'm probably a textbook case, alcoholic, borderline abusive father, first relationship was domestic violence and ended badly, left with a ds who has no contact at all with ex p.

I've been with current boyfriend almost 4 years, I can't say it's been a good relationship but there have been good times. I can't possibly write about everything that's happened as I'd be here all day but we've spent most of the relationship breaking up and getting back together, him breaking up with me and usually me ringing him up crying saying I miss him then him coming over and apologising.

I feel that he's distant, often moody, excludes me from 'his life', I often feel very alone even though I'm supposed to be in a relationship. While he helps out, I don't feel like I can rely on him for any real support. He won't live together, he says he will but he seems to find excuses, avoids the subject when I try to talk. First he said I was rushing things after about a year together, then it was because his work was too far, the house didn't feel like his own, we wern't getting on. I've in the past found he's been on dating sites talking to other women, I was pregnant once and he didn't want anything to do with any of it, wouldn't talk to me for weeks. Most of the time I only really see him on weekends and maybe one during the week yet he's always saying he needs space, doesn't get chance to do the things he wants to do. Once he said he was going to move in for a trial, we'd just got back from holiday and he's stayed for about 2 weeks solid, then one morning I got up and he'd gone, taken all his things while I was still asleep but then a few weeks later he wanted to get back together.

Last Christmas was awful. Last year he said if we got married it would make it easier to move in together as the house would be both of ours, he didn't propose officially, but he took me shopping got me to choose an engagement ring, hinted (or maybe it was just in my head) that there would be some romantic proposal at Christmas, Christmas came and the ring was just wrapped and stuck under the tree with the other presents. He never proposed and it was all just swept over. This resulted in me building up to a big emotional meltdown over Christmas, a huge arguement, and him splitting up with me in the new year.

This Christmas was great, as far as I could tell, we didn't argue, we've done some nice things. But towards the end of the week I've felt that he's been getting fed up with me. The thing is, he will spend the week with me, doing whatever I fancy, I'll ask him if there's anything he needs or wants to do and he'll say no. But then when he goes home it all comes out and he'll say he needs space and how his time off has been ruined as he's done nothing he needed to do.

This morning was horrible, I've just got the impression the last couple of days that he couldn't wait to go, and this morning he starts packing his bags to go back home, he takes everything, it's as though he hates leaving so much as a t shirt incase he doesn't want to come back.

I felt like I had a serious case of the January blues and I can't work out why. Is it my own life I'm unhappy with, going back to work, to big dip after the build up of Christmas. Or is it the nagging feeling that after a week with my boyfriend he's had enough and is going to end it and I will go through weeks of hell, not knowing if it's for good this time, or if he will be back in a few days saying he was wrong.

This feeling makes me snappy, tearful, accusing. 'Why are you taking everything, aren't you coming back at the weekend?' So he stomps off, I've ruined a good week, then the texts come from him, I'm trying to control him, we shouldn't be living in eachothers pockets, would I blame him if he ended it all, he's living for me not for himself.

I feel so unhappy, I feel like I should end it for good but don't think I could bear to as I love him very much. But I'm an insecure wreck and I don't even know whether there's just something wrong with me or whether it's this relationship that's driving me crazy but I don't even know how to begin to make it better.

sparklyjumper Thu 03-Jan-13 12:00:07

Noone knows him well so they can only go on what I tell them but people seem to think he's an overgrown kid. Friends and family who have met him have said they think he's a bit shy, my sister thought he was rude, he can be rude I don't think he realises. She was asking him about his job and he smirked and said 'you wouldn't understand'.

What happened in the end with you and your ex maggie?

I am scared of the hurt of the break up, and I'm also scared I'd be making a mistake. Even though that big part of me know I'm not. There's still that nagging little bit of me that thinks of all the lovely things he does, and the good times we have and dare I say it I could 'wait for him'. Because he says things to me like his sister and her df didn't move in together for 10 years and starts using examples of people he knows who haven't moved in together for years and years. And how we will eventually he just needs to sort a few things out. And I feel like it's all me again. But it's not that I'm even desperate to move in together tomorrow or anything. I'd just like to feel as though we're moving towards something. But when I mention it he's totally disinterested. And I imagine even if we did it wouldn't last.

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:06:25

Hah, he was rude to your sister on purpose! Don't kid yourself that he wasn't being dismissive and shitty to her by accident. And shy around your family and friends? They are there in force so he's scared of them. He's a scumbag, Sparkly. Surely you realise this? And it won't get any better because it never has before.

Stop being so passive. It's up to you to make your life better!

sparklyjumper Thu 03-Jan-13 12:09:10

Bluebiscuit I completely see what you're saying. I like to put things in to neat little boxes, black and white, my fault or his fault. Me wrong, him perfect. And of course I know really life isn't like that. Don't get me wrong my childhood wasn't horrendous, I've read far worse on here. But things that went on and were doen and said have stayed with me.

bumhead Thu 03-Jan-13 12:44:24

Can I just say:

HOW FUCKING DARE HE BLAME ALL HIS SHIT ON YOU!!!

I could kick him in the ballbag on your behalf for the way he is treating you.

Re PMDD you have to TELL the Gp, most don't even know about it, get them to refer you to a Gynae, GPs are like a jack of all trades and a master of none. Your probs might well turn out to just be hormonal.
Stop doubting yourself, maybe a short course of Anti-Ds might help if you are a little depressed.
Stop letting this arsehole run you down.
As for telling you that you're controlling, his behaviour screams controlling. He has you right where he wants you, all confused in your little crate.
Please dump this manipulative little shit. Especially as you have a DC. You don't want your child seeing mummy being treated like this. So it takes a couple of months to get over this creep.
Then you will be FREE!!
Please do this for yourself.
This guy is giving you nothing and you are a worthwhile human being who deserves to be loved properly. This guy is damaged goods and can't give you that.

I ended it is what happened, I gave up on the idea that he was ever going to be interested in helping with my emotional needs beyond a superficial level.
It's well over a year now and if I think about him, there is no accompanying emotion, nothing at all. In the first place though, it did feel like I was cutting a part of myself off, which did hurt a fuck of a lot but without the fog he was creating in my head, I started to feel better, quite quickly.
I had hoped that he would come running after me but, thankfully, he did not.
Which may mean that when you do it, you will have to be a lot stronger than I had to be as it sounds like he would run after you.
But you can live without him, yes it will hurt but then it will get better, I can promise you that, no ifs, no buts, no maybes!

sparklyjumper Thu 03-Jan-13 14:30:18

That's the thing Maggie, I'll have to be strong.

Usually I imagine, when people break up after a few weeks they start to feel a bit better, whereas for us, this is the point we always end up getting back together. I have tried so hard, I've even changed my number in the past which has resulted in him just coming over. Not to say he'd keep coming round if I told him to get lost, I doubt he'd ever make a huge nuisance of himself. But it's highly likely that there would be texts, calls.

I wish I found it easy I've never had any bloody willpower. I don't understand either why this is so much more difficult than breaking up with my ex.

Maybe because with your ex, the damage was a lot easier to see, it left bruises and physical pain, whereas this current guy is only damaging you emotionally, which due to the abusive nature of your childhood, you are accustomed to accepting.
May I suggest that you look into something called DBT, it has a concept called mindfulness ( which comes from buddihism) that means totally living in the moment, not thinking about the past or future but focusing solely on the moment that you are in, to the exclusion of everything else.
I have found it a very helpful concept.

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