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Why did I fall for a cocklodger?

(25 Posts)
duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 00:34:31

Several years ago I was happy, sorted and very independent. Met a man who outwardly was quite different to me but who I felt a real connection to and there was great chemistry. We lived some distance apart but he got a new job and moved in with me.

I felt that things were just getting better and better between us and he started talking about getting married. Unexpectedly I fell pregnant and we married 18 mths later.

Fast forward a couple of years and he tells me that he loves me but isn't in love with me. Denies there is OW but eventually admits it. We agree to try and make it work but he finds a new job several hours away and initially promises that it will make everything better as there will be more money coming in. I go to visit him for our anniversary a few months later only to be dumped when I get there.

Throughout all this I supported us both financially (he was theoretically paying debts off and was always lurching from one financial problem to another). I believed that he loved me and that we wanted the same things. When we finally split he told me that he had never wanted marriage but had felt steamrollered into it. This despite him being the one to suggest it and insist on it when I got pregnant - I had been adamant that I didn't want to get married just because of the baby.

Having been told that he never wanted to be committed to me I naturally kept going over events and realised how many things I had misinterpreted because I thought he loved me. I can't believe how stupid I was not to have realised myself what the situation was. The whole relationship was a mirage and my previously happy memories have been destroyed.

He says he loves me like a sister which I find insulting and patronising. He is upset that I regard the relationship as having wasted several years of my life. The one good thing to have come out of it is DD but she also means that I will never be entirely free of him. At least it serves as a reminder not to trust my judgment

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 00:37:05

Sorry that was rather more epic than intended and I'm not sure that there are any answers other than I was a fool.

expatinscotland Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:03

' He is upset that I regard the relationship as having wasted several years of my life.

After he screwed around on you and said such things to you? Stop allowing him to speak to you like this, for starters.

expatinscotland Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:36

He is entitled to his opinion, but he doesn't have the right to visit it on you anymore. I'd make that very clear to him.

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 00:47:28

Expat - his comments just make me more angry and disillusioned so don't have the effect he was after. He seriously believes that we can be friends hmm as his brotherly love for me supposedly makes everything alright.

Imabadmum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:49:55

You are being very very hard on yourself. Unreasonably so.

Firstly no-one gets steamrollered into marriage. Unless of course you drugged him, and then dragged him to the registry office by his hair. Or perhaps he has a mental age of 5 and has difficulty making decisions for himself. No? If he is a fully grown and functioning man then he is just trying to shift his guilt and failure in your marriage onto you to make himself feel better.

Secondly, HE HAD AN AFFAIR. He lied to you, deceived you and manipulated you throughout this period. These are choices he made, not you. You should not feel guilty or stupid for trusting someone you loved and who said they loved you. How many millions of people in the world are doing just that right now? And how any of them are also being deceived by their loved one?

No, you will not be entirely free of him, but once dd reaches 16 you won't need to have my direct contact with him anymore and it will only be indirect via what she tells you. I am in a similar position with my dd's dad, my XP. I would dearly love to have nothing more to do with him, but I made a choice as an adult to go ahead and have a child with him. With hindsight it wasn't my smartest move (although of course I wouldn't be without my dd), but I just get on with it now - it does get easier with time, I promise.

Don't beat yourself up, and don't become a bitter, suspicious pessimist. Life still has plenty to offer you, especially now you are rid of him. You are free - go celebrate! Xx

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 00:59:50

Trouble is having got it so badly wrong I don't trust my judgment when it comes to men anymore. Plus looking back at how much better my life was when I was happily single I don't think I want a relationship again - the plusses don't come near outweighing the negatives.

suburbophobe Wed 02-Jan-13 01:03:47

I didn't make the wisest choice in the father of my DS.

But now, 21 years down the line - we split when he was 6 months old - I see that was the ONLY reason we came together.

Couldn't imagine not having DS.

It's sad when things don't work out, but in my opinion better to be a great LP than trapped in a loveless marriage/relationship with an abuser/cheater.

And new relationships do turn up again eventually...

Imabadmum Wed 02-Jan-13 01:07:47

Then stay single OP, nowt wrong with that. And should you tire of the single life, you will go find yourself a new, and much better, man.

Keep smiling xxx

Walkacrossthesand Wed 02-Jan-13 01:56:53

I'm not sure you can give too much credence to his claim that 'we never should have married' - I've observed that when a DP moves on (my only experience has been of DH, maybe DWs do it too) there seems to be a need for them to rubbish the marriage, perhaps to justify their actions - to themselves at least. You have the good memories that you have of the time before it all went wrong, thanks to his choices - I think there's a large element of luck in whether we pick a good'un or not. It doesn't make your judgement flawed, unless it happens repeatedly. Think of it as a growth point, and enjoy your single life and your DC!

Damash12 Wed 02-Jan-13 02:46:46

I think you're wrong to question yourself and your judgement. You've been lied too and mistreated and the last thing you need to do is critise and find fault with yourself. You need to wallow a bit (not for too long) ;-) then pick yourself up and enjoy your time with dc. Good luck I'm sure by this time next year things will be soooo much better for you. X

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 07:43:41

There's nothing wrong with your judgement and you're not stupid although I entirely understand why feel hurt and embarrassed. You took him on face value and trusted him... why wouldn't you? We all make allowances for the people we love and, if you're not a user yourself, you're not to know that someone is taking advantage of that. For me the financial problems would have been a massive alarm-bell but that's only because I made exactly the same mistake once and, like you, got my fingers well and truly burned. He's trying to rewrite history now in a pathetic attempt to wriggle away from any blame. Glad you're not buying the 'let's be friends' or 'brotherly love' crap.... talk about adding insult to injury! Friends who love you, don't piss on you and then tell you it's raining.

I can see why you'd want to write off men entirely and I heartily support your decision to remain single (I champion the lifestyle myself) but life has a way of throwing up surprises.... just have to learn from your mistakes and set the bar high. Good luck

Xales Wed 02-Jan-13 09:26:18

You didn't get it all wrong. You believed what he said and did when it suited him to say it.

He could hardly strike up a relationship with a new gullible victim woman by saying there was nothing wrong in your relationship, that you were great to him, paid off all his debts etc. Well they could but no one likes to think of themselves as that vile so they lie to themselves and others.

He had to rewrite your history so that she could sympathise and he could cry on her shoulder. To make him the helpless victim of their lurve rather than the nasty selfish cheating wanker he really is.

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 09:54:39

I look back to our wedding day and he was as white as a sheet which I put down to his nerves about making a speech. I also made a speech about how much He supported me and cared for me which just makes me cringe now although I fervently believed it at the time. When it came to the honeymoon he had a panic attack about getting on the flight and always sought out the company of others on the trip. He had excuses for all of it at the time but now I'm sure it was all symptomatic of not wanting to be married to me.

Having the understanding of what was the reality of the situation has destroyed what I had thought was a very special and happy day for us both. It has then corroded everything that happened since so that I feel such a twat for thinking we were happy.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 09:59:11

Everything he did and said sounds perfectly reasonable. It could have been true; and for some people it is. It just so happens that in this case he was a lying cheat, which only became clear in hindsight. Oh for a time machine, eh - the course of history would have been so different.

Although there's absolutely nothing wrong with being single, there's also no reason to write yourself off as a relationship prospect for the rest of your life. You may have been done over by a double glazing salesman but that doesn't mean you should never get anyone in to do any more work on your house. It just means you should look out more carefully for any signs of dodginess, and never fully give up your independence (a wise move even with a partner who can be trusted 100%, as you never know what the future may hold).

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 10:03:44

But you were happy. Don't fall for his trick of rewriting history and extrapolating that to doubt every moment of the last few years. It has ended badly, your memories may be tarnished and you're bound to have a lot of regrets .... still doesn't make you a 'twat'.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 02-Jan-13 10:25:55

sad for you op. Don't be so harsh on yourself, you did nothing wrong. You had no way of knowing how things were going to turn out.

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 10:30:43

I look back to our wedding day and he was as white as a sheet which I put down to his nerves about making a speech. I also made a speech about how much He supported me and cared for me which just makes me cringe now although I fervently believed it at the time. When it came to the honeymoon he had a panic attack about getting on the flight and always sought out the company of others on the trip. He had excuses for all of it at the time but now I'm sure it was all symptomatic of not wanting to be married to me.

Having the understanding of what was the reality of the situation has destroyed what I had thought was a very special and happy day for us both. It has then corroded everything that happened since so that I feel such a twat for thinking we were happy.

Xales the OW told me various things all of which he denied but later turned out to be true. This included the repeated assertion that he was only with me for the money. That didn't put her off, they even got engaged before he decided to end it.

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 10:34:11

Didn't realise the first part of the last post had already gone up. The last part was in response to Xales's post.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 10:35:32

Now there's one stupid woman: the OW. She knows what he's like. She's going into this relationship with her eyes wide open. She's convinced he won't do the same to her as soon as a better prospect turns up. He doesn't even have to lie to her - she is quite happy to lie to herself. I'm sure you're too nice to gloat over her eventual downfall, though.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 02-Jan-13 10:40:41

He told her he was after your money?!

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 10:50:11

OW had no money of her own, her own troubled dcs and disinterested DH. She went into it with eyes wide open knowing that I had small child and loved my DH.

Telling her about the money was his logic for explaining why we were still together as OW was aware we still had a physical relationship.

NicknameTaken Wed 02-Jan-13 12:42:47

If it's any consolation, I have my moments of asking "How could I have been so stupid?" too. And if I'm ever in danger of forgiving myself, my parents will helpfully remind me (thanks, mum and dad!).

Look at it like this - you wouldn't want your epitaph to say: "She was sensible all her life. Always played it safe, never gave out her love too generously, never trusted too much".

There's a quote from Nietzsche: "The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! Live in danger. Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius."

So you did it, you flung yourself at life. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Better to try and fail than be too afraid and try nothing at all.

duffybeatmetoit Wed 02-Jan-13 12:58:59

I worry what the impact would be on DD of repeated failure - other than teaching her to avoid men. I think being happy and contented as a LP and providing a loving and secure environment is a much healthier prospect for both of us.

BTW I never denounce her father to her much as I am sorely tempted at times. She is already getting used to him letting her down sadly.

NicknameTaken Wed 02-Jan-13 18:04:20

As others said, there's nothing wrong at all in being single. I haven't been with anyone since leaving exH nearly four years ago. I needed that time to heal and to concentrate on DD, and it's been great having such freedom to focus on her. It's only now that I'm beginning to think of dipping my toe back into the dating pool. I'll only be with someone if he really enhances my life, and I know I'm perfectly fine it I don't find someone.

You're getting a bit ahead of yourself by worrying about the impact of "repeated failure" on your DD. I presume you're not going to have strange men in and out every night and instruct her to call each one daddy. If you do meet someone, you can play it sloooooow and not introduce him to your DD for ages and ages. If you did meet someone and introduced them and she was fond of him and the relationship broke down.....well, she learns that you get fond of people and it doesn't always last forever. Children learn that when an au pair leaves or an elderly grandparent dies. It's not going to cripple her emotionally for the rest of her life.

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