Background: me 51 she's 50, been together 30 years, married 27 years, 2 children (22 and 20), youngest now left home, eldest has Downs and lives with us.
I always thought we had a strong marriage, she let me do whatever I wanted (hobbies and male friends) and I paid most bills. House mortgage now cleared. I never asked her to work but she has had a number of jobs, part time and full time when kids allowed.
I never wanted kids but she did and I said OK. I was a reluctant father, kids used to wind me up and I'd lose temper but I never hit them. Just shouted etc. Yes, I know this is shitty and I'm not proud.
I really can't stand watching TV and she'd sit in lounge and watch TV and I'd play on computer writing software and running several hobby forums. Often she'd go to bed early and by time I went to bed she'd be asleep. We sort of were living parallel lives but I thought she was fine as she never moaned to me, never complained.
Last year has been different. I noticed she was much less close. She's never been one to come up and kiss me and tell me she loved me but she would always respond positively if I did. Sex was wonderful. But then she starts pulling away if kiss developed from a peck. She wouldn't hug. It was obvious she wasn't enjoying sex.
I'm a big coward and didn't want to ask what was wrong in case I didn't like the answers. I check several relationship forums on the net and the answer I found was she was seeing someone else.
Start of December I couldn't sleep and and got up early and checked her phone. Lots of texts to someone with a silly name. After no sleep and without glasses I had difficulty reading them but they were flirtatious. One went on "maybe you will get a naked hug in 2013".
I confronted her at 7am and we had a long talk and much crying but she denied an affair. When I checked when she was getting dressed the texts had been deleted.
We talked more when she came home. Lots more crying from both. We acknowledged our failings (me shouting and be separate and her never complaining to me). I've been a wreck emotionally since but we started talking and I spent time with her. We can laugh and we've had more sex in the last month than I can remember and we both are enjoying it.
But I kept checking her phone, I write phone software and I was stunned she thought she could hide some stuff from me with me knowing how they work. I haven;t seen any more texts but I Knew that she had been texting him and deleting the texts.
I rang the number (as a wrong number) and got his name. So I asked who he was and she said "just a friend". "He's married with 2 kids and loves his wife." She told me she had thought about leaving me but decided to stay because she didn't want some poor woman meeting me :-( She said "you need to think on this... I'm here with you by choice not elsewhere." I'm sure he works at her place. She's handed her notice in but they want her to stay. I want her to leave but she doesn't want me to give her cash till she has a job so she may stay.
She promised not to text him any more. But she is now hiding her phone as she knows I can probably find some stuff out. I checked her old phone and his mobile number was in it under a strange name. Some old texts were innocuous "merry xmas happy new year" from this time last year. But not saved under his name nor his initials.
What I don't understand is we now talk, sit together, laugh hard at our jokes and we're at it like rabbits. We sleep cuddled together and her kisses are a killer. I can't believe she can fake the affection, passion and tenderness in a kiss if she doesn't feel something for me.
After 30 years I still fancier her terribly. I want to have her all the time and she looks better at 50 in many ways than when she was 20.
I've told her I'm ashamed my actions "drove her into the arms of another man" and she didn't deny it. I gave her 5 separate occasions when I said I'd forgive her if she admitting something had happened and she denied it every time. She's adamant she's not been unfaithful but those texts suggested if she hadn't she was planning.
The worst I've done is gone to pole dancing bar with work colleagues when abroad. It was fun to be all macho but it was tacky and I felt terrible afterwards. She knows I have shoe/stocking interest but she didn't know how bad it is. I admitted I had a large (6000+ images) of shoes and legs. She has a gorgeous pair of legs at 50 but getting her to wear a skirt is nigh on impossible. Now she knows how bad I like legs it's worse still :-(
I've changed everything I was doing she finally complained about. I now help with meals, wash up, tidy up, do taxi-ing services. Generally I take a much more active roll in the house albeit 22years late. She said we had sex not made love for all those years but that has changed too. I've deleted huge amounts of porn/fetish images. (I keep finding it hidden in the many computers).
I'm so confused. I love her and fancy her so much but I can't trust her if she is hiding her phone. It's tearing me apart. Do I ignore the phone hiding or do I try to get it and check?
I'm moving from the shock that my wife may have/is cheating and "I'll do anything to keep you" into deciding it's a full on nuclear confrontation of "it's me or him and fuck off now it's him". Or maybe I should suggest his wife check her husbands phone and phone records?
Help please.
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Relationships
Cheating wife, need help, long
SadBear · 01/01/2013 17:43
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