Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not in love with DP anymore... [sad]

(43 Posts)
Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 16:51:17

Hi there, I have been with DP 7 years and we have a 3 yo DD. I don't even know how to start because our relasionship was never great, I fell infatuated with him when I was with my previous BF, it was a very sexual relationship, he has never been very, funny or romantic orshowed that he REALLY wanted to be with me, until I accidentally became pregnant (although I was delighted as i have always wanted kids and I was 30) and he changed a lot. Mucho more loving, and he tells me nicer things, helps around the house. But... now I feel that we have very little in common, he still never wants to go out with me and DD to do stuff together, we don't share hobbies, friends or anything, and I have been increasingly more and more upset. We just never talk, last night was a complete disaster as I was so upset I didn't celebrate anything...

I feel I am with him and haven't moved out because DD and him adore each other and I am putting that before my own hapiness.

Plus, I recently met a man I dated for a few months, we have started texting and have met for coffee a couple of times. He has made clear he would like to be with me, and I know all this "the grass is greener" stuff, but I feel I have a lot more things in common with him, the sparkle is deffinitelly there, that we could have so much more fun that what I have now. My life with DP is miserable, but I hate hurting people and don't want to hurt DP or DD and I am stuck...

Any thoughts? please don't be harsh as I am really strugling with this. Should I leave him and move on? Even typing that makes my stomach turn, or should I concentrate in making it wrok and forget the other man (which it won't be easy anyway as he has just moved a few houses down!)

Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:55:43

Sorry too early
For not giving you that loving feeling all of the time

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:17

I want to talk to him but I feel so bad and guilty sad its so so hard

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 22:32:09

Thinking about it when he is not here is easier, but when he is I feel so bad and so sorry for him, I don't want to break his heart, he does love me, its just his personality, its always been like this and I accepted it but 7 years down the line I have just had enough and I feel like a bitch because, really its me who has changed, who is no happy or in love anymore. If anything he has actually improved since we met.

I think my strongles feeling is that I feel really really sorry for him if we do split up sad

Niome Tue 01-Jan-13 23:22:03

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him about where the relationship is going. Not being funny but it seems wrong leaving him for someone else. Sounds like you don't really know what you want and are just jumping from one relationship to another. You need to focus on what is best for you and your children. They will be caught up in the middle of all of it. Your children have rights....what if they decide to live with their dad? You have a responsibility to meet their needs, no matter what. Yes, it is difficult being in a relationship where you don't have much in common.....as I am in one too....I know....but your children's needs come before your own. Instead of going straight into another relationship.....you should try and deal with what you and your children need.....have some time out on your own.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 08:09:32

That has been the issue since DD was born, I have stayed because I think is the best for her, so I have sacrficed my own hapiness. If we didn't have her I wouldn't have stayed. So if I focus on her needs, the answer is: stay. And pretend I am not unhappy and act as a loving familt, which is what I have done for the past two years.

Niome Wed 02-Jan-13 09:42:38

By staying you are not focusing on your needs or hers, but by rebounding into another relationship gives you a false sense of security. You need to find out what you really want and how to get it. It is no good living a lie.....it is soul destroying. Is there nowhere you can stay for a few days to get your thoughts in order. Having time away from a situation helps to put things into perspective....hope you work something out.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 09:59:12

I tought for going to a B&B for a while, but ths is a small comunity and I am a bit scared of people making a big drama of it. I can't stay with my only close friend as she is in a stormy relationship herself.

I know what you mean about rebounding, totally, but it is difficult as this bloke was my friend and he is being a friend now, and its only natural that he will be there for support. I can try and stay friends of course, but I am sure you all can imagine that that will be difficult if I am feeling sad and lonely. But I am thinking about it. Just go and check into a B&B and just be friends with this bloke.

just thinking about it is making me feel so sad and sick. Sometimes I think I just don't have the guts and I use DD as an excuse not to take te step?? So, so, sad sad

Xales Wed 02-Jan-13 10:08:26

Sorry I don't think you can be friends with this bloke when you clearly want more. You are already making excuses on here as to how hard it will be when you are feeling sad and lonely which is exactly how you will feel ending a relationship.

You got bored with a boyfriend, left him for another. You have got bored with this one and are thinking about leaving him and bringing another into your DDs life. What happens when you are bored of this one will you have another lined up?

Forget the other guy. Either end your current relationship he can be a great dad not with you or work on fixing your relationship.

If it is not fixable spend time alone concentrate on you and your DD. If the new guy is meant to be he will still be there in 6 months or longer.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 10:34:23

I don't I get bored with boyfrineds, I have made wrong choices as I didn't have anything in common with either of them. I feel I shouldn't have started a relationship with them on the first place. With this other person I have a lot in common and true affection and friendship, which is what I lacked with the others. But I totally get where you all are coming from regarding that. And I am not making excuses saying how hard it will be, I honestly feel like that, I feel sick to the stomach and welled up last night every time I looked at DP.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 10:36:11

So the advice is: regardles if I leave or not, I should forget this other guy. And that is hard too as he has been a good friend, in the past and now. I am seeing him today for lunch so will speak to him then.

AmandaPayne Wed 02-Jan-13 11:44:40

Not necessarily forget him, but you should take him out the equation for now.

The problem with moving from relationship to relationship, always with overlap, is that (along with hurting people along the way), you risk never learning what actually makes you happy. You are unhappy in a relationship, so you see another person who is a better 'fit' and you jump to that person. But five years down the line that person could have stopped making you happy too. You need to work out how to be happy and then find someone to share it with, not rely on other people to provide 'happy' IYSWIM.

If this man really is your soul mate, he will understand if you say you need to concentrate on yourself and your DD and not see him for, say, four months or six months. If he really is the one, you have the rest of your lives and now until Easter, or now until the summer, shouldn't be too hard.

Also bear in mind that your relationship with your ex is likely to be much better if you are on your own for a while. It is much harder to establish an 'ex' relationship when one of you has left for another person. There is so much more bitterness. Spending time getting that right, establishing a pattern for your DD, getting her settled in the new set up, is likely to be far better for your DD.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 12:39:35

Yeah, that actually sounds good and clear. The thing is I feel I know ow to be happy by myself, and now I am realisisng what I want in a partner. Before I use to start a relationship if I was infatuated by someone even if it was only sexualy. Now I know what I would want in a partner and yes this person fits better. But it is completly true that I should concentrate in settleing down with DD and building a good relationship with ex before, bringing someone else into our lifes again.

And I have no doubts that this guy will wait. And if he doesn't, you are right, he is not the one and that's that. Its hard to part from a friend now, but will have to. And the I'll speak to DP.

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:40

Right, had a long chat with other man and he is out of the picture. Well nearly, because he lives in the same street, so if we see each other we will stop and have a quick catch up. Well that is what we said. So Missing him a lot, but now I can sit and focus on what I want to do about DP. Still breaks my heart to think of sepparation but I also went to the dr's and asked to be referred to counselling. She also agreed that we shouldn't be together if there is no love. Although she said I could accpet and learn to live with DP and our differences. This is what I have tried to do, so I will just wait for counselling (I really hope it help) and try to make a decision.
I want to thank you all for helping me think with a clear head and putting the important stuff first thanks

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 19:49:12

I don't like calling him the other man with the connotations that has here, but that is how ita came out!

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:45

Taling to DP and he says I feel like this because of my PMS, he seems to think that it lasta 15 days before my period and 15 days after. I am really irritated and I just don't know how to make him see things angry

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Thu 03-Jan-13 23:53:20

Tell him clearly that constantly refusing to speak to you because of your cycle is bizarre and a sad little excuse. But if it's that important to him, get your diaries out and plot a day when he is willing to take you seriously. How many days a month does he think you are worth speaking to? How big is your window?
Don't let him get away with this misogyny in his fear of discussing a relationship he must know is failing. Put it to him like that - now is the time for him to engage with you if he thinks there is something worth saving.

Kione Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:39

I have told him that we will talk in a week when won't have PMS and he agreed and he is more loving that ever. I hate it, he does this every single time! He is now all kisses and hugs, he listens when I speak and I though I even saw a smile! I think he is playing a bit dirty because our DD was being all cute and I was looking at her with a silly grin on my face and he came and held me from my waist and looked at her too. This is like "see, do you want to end this?" to me... I went out yesterday for a bit and i told DD "I love" you when I was leaving and she said "I love you too", so DP said "are you not telling me "I love you"? shock That is probably the first time in his life he has asked that to anyone, so I did and he replied "I love you too" quite calmly when previously I had to get it out of him with a corkscrew (as we say in spanish!).
So I think he knows I am serious and he is making it alot more difficult for me... sad

Kione Tue 08-Jan-13 21:12:30

I am gobsmacked at his reaction, as for first time EVER he has agreed to speak, to change things, to not watch tv all day. he is even going to try to make changes at work so it doesn't affect his mood so much. I can't believe! We put DD to bed and didn't switch the tv on for an hour and just sat there chatting over a cuppa. BUT, I really am not sure about my feelings anymore... I told him that my feelings have died over the months (years) that I love him but I am not "in love" with him. He didn't seem too hurt about this, maybe he is hoping that with all the changes I will go back to normal too, but I am still so sad as I can't see it happening, and this time he really seems ready to do something! Why is it all so complicated, i would have given an arm for him to be like this 7 years ago!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now