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Arguing with dh

(33 Posts)
Lavenderhoney Tue 01-Jan-13 13:56:52

When you argue with your dh ( assuming you do) what happens? We don't argue unless dh pushes some buttons, until I am furious and I shout( if I am calm he goes on and on until I react) then he tells me I am mad and need help as I get so angry. But he has to me deliberately wound me up and almost bullied me into losing my temper!

Then we don't speak for an hour, he apologises and it's as if nothing happened. He never gets angry and shouts. He is super calm.
I never see anyone else arguing and my parents werent a good example ( alcoholic father and dm was in care when young as orphaned) so how do people argue? And what is normal?

Lavenderhoney Wed 02-Jan-13 14:48:08

Thank you all for being so supportive and not saying ltbsmile
Juniper, we can't go to relate as we have moved abroad, which is when the problems started. I can't actually believe I won't be living in the uk, which doesn't really help.
We are going to talk over the next few days as I want to have a think firstsmile I need to be sure I can manage anything I promise- I see red far too fast- never with the dc, just him.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 15:02:35

Lavender, anyone would get angry when faced with someone behaving like this. It sounds like he deliberately ruined the day out by acting the sulky man-child. Don't take on more responsibility for what happened than is properly yours.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 15:06:12

"I see red far too fast"

Those who know me will tell you I'm a very calm, measured person. But there is someone I meet through business who has me absolutely incandescent within about ten minutes of talking to him. He's condescending, stupid, obstructive, suspicious (I could go on) ... and the only reason I don't punch him on the nose is because it would be bad for business. Does that make me a person with an anger management problem? Or does it mean my customer is an arse?

I think you're with an arse....

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 17:07:02

Some Relate books here. Looks like they're sold on Amazon so would deliver abroad.

loopylou6 Wed 02-Jan-13 17:21:03

Lavender. Google 'Gas lighting'

Lavenderhoney Wed 02-Jan-13 18:44:11

Loupylou6, I have looked at it and dh doesnt fit any of those. I don't want to think he's a horrible person as I think I am as much to blame for my own inability to argue like an adult. This concerns me as I am supposed /we are to be role modelling for the dc! Dh says its not good for them when I lose my temper and he's right. I try not to, but for instance they were in the car when we got lost. My parents didn't care if I saw it all, and I don't want to be like that. I wish I could blank out all the early stuff and reload with something more fluffy.

I see in his ( very rare) behaviour my df which panics me somewhere deep down and I am raging against myself for seeing that. I would never want to be with any man like my df. And dh is very far from that, but he is human and makes mistakes.

I will look for some guidelines on how to argue -I get very defensive very quickly and friends have noticed this as well as dh. It's as though I get in first with the escalation.
I am going to talk to a friend I have made who went to counselling and it turned their marriage round- she will be sympathic I am sure of it. When I am clear I am behaving " normally" then I guess I shall see. We hardly ever argue tbh, normally we just compromise and try to be kind with each other.

FairyFi Wed 16-Jan-13 23:54:39

your last post on your self-beliefs and responsibilities seem to conflict quite considerably with the example events you described [of the afternoon outting and the getting lost in car] - like you describe events clearly and then interpret them altogether differently.

HE needs to learn. Tell him to cut the sarky, patronising 'yes, Lavender' bullshit and treat you like an equal for once angry

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