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Big row - perspective required

(86 Posts)
NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 12:51:28

DH and I had a big row last and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Friends round, iPod was on and good friend of ours said to my DH "oi Jim your music is shit". This is an absolutely standard exchange between the two of them and something of a running joke.

DH got in a strop, grabbed his iPod and retreated to kitchen with a mate where he proceeded to bitch about situ whilst rest of us were left without music on having just been dancing. Bit awkward. Friend realised DH was pissed off with her, words exchanged and she left.

I'm furious that DH ruined a lovely evening that I (and the friend concerned) had put loads of effort into. When I said same to DH he complained that she had ruined the play list he'd created. Cue angry exchange between us about him being precious about playlist and valuing that above a what had been a lovely evening with friends and him saying I was BU to not stand up for him confused

Neither of us speaking today. Happy fucking NY!

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 18:20:52

Do you think your friend was sharper in tone than usual to him (which he may have picked up) because she was pissed off at him laughing at your dancing and felt loyal to you?

I would feel irritated with a friend's DP if I felt he was deliberately putting her down in public.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 01-Jan-13 18:24:22

I would be livid at my DH if he caused such a scene at a party we were hosting - even if the comment had really upset him, his duty to the other guests was to carry off the situation as gracefully as possible. That is what adults do.

HeathRobinson Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:34

I think your friend was out of order and that it's a running joke on her part, that he has reluctantly gone along with in the past. Sometimes it's a joke too far.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 18:34:28

To make it clear DH is much more vocal about the shit music than friend - it is definitely not a joke at his expense and like I said previously their tastes are pretty similar so there really isn't an argument to be had. He has definitely said the same to her at their house when they have been hosting dinner/drinks.

I haven't spoken to anyone about it today - friends husband came round earlier to help shift some furniture which had been moved for last night, said friend was still in bed and he was his normal laid back self.

I'm embarrassed and upset that DH behaved like an idiot regardless of whether he was provoked into it and the fact he hasn't seen fit to apologise to me is infuriating and upsetting in equal measures.

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:34:34

and IF that's what he was upset about, surely he would have had a quiet moan to either OP or friend. Confiscating the music, ruining the party that OP had worked so hard on, and then having a massive go at OP.... wow

HeathRobinson Tue 01-Jan-13 18:40:49

But if the comment didn't upset him, how do you explain it?

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:47:11

just sounds like he was in a 'strop' about something else already. He'd already taken OP to one side to be not very nice about her dancing. Why would you do that confused... its not very nice and then has a massive over reaction to a bit of banter.

Maybe he thought OP was flirting...who knows?... but what he did was very twattish

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 19:13:07

Hrm, missed the bit where he took the piss out of your dancing?

Is this a regular thing or out of character?

People that dish it out but can't take it get right on my tits.

runningforthebusinheels Tue 01-Jan-13 19:17:07

So your dh is allowed to take the piss out of your dancing, but then gets in a strop when your (mutual) friend takes the piss out of his music playlist?

He's now sulking at you for 'not sticking up for him'? Very childish behaviour.

Your dh over-reacted. Big time.

Back2Two Tue 01-Jan-13 19:21:01

Any drugs involved?
They can turn nice people into twunts quite easily.

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:33

Drink turns people into twats as much as drugs do in my experience.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 16:52:12

Twats can also act like twats without any chemical assistance whatsoever

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 17:11:31

Have to say my twat radar is twitching too. (If that doesn't evoke too disturbing an image.)

Back2Two Thu 03-Jan-13 16:38:30

Is there an update on this thread?

AppearingDignified Thu 03-Jan-13 18:15:12

How's your relationship otherwise? Do you row often?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 19:19:59

grin @ Annie's twat radar

Mine is twitching too - private words to his wife about how she should dance, getting arsey about a long running joke with a friend, stropping off with the music and causing a massive, embarrassing scene that made all his guests feel AWKWAARD, giving his wife the cold shoulder the following day for not defending him when he was behaving like a massive arse...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 19:25:27

My vote is COMPLETE NOBBER. Some women will defend a man's right to behave like this with their last breath, however.

MumVsKids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:45:00

Tbh having read the whole thread, it does sound rather childish sad

And until you said you were 30 something professionals, I assumed you were teenagers, like AF suggested.

Keep on giving each other the silent treatment, it'll make for one of the happiest New Years you've ever had. Or not.

DH and I had a massive row yesterday about me being shouty and nasty with the DCs. I stormed out, went to fetch more milk and calm down. I came back it started again, i ended up in tears and feeling really hurt. Didn't help that I was/am feeling really poorly with cold and ear infection.

However, today is another day. I got up with a fresh head this morning, apologised to DH and he did the same, having been up ALL NIGHT with our 8mo ds, in order to give me a break.

This is what adults do. And believe me I have the potential to give the silent treatment for weeks days.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 15:01:51

A few more details: no drugs involved and yes he has behaved like this before. There is a definite correlation between him drinking and behaving like a twat. Not every time by any stretch but I'd say there is an incident like this every four months or so. Always when we're in a group situ. 

In terms of an update we had a long chat on NY day evening - he claimed that he hadn't spoken to me because he didn't know what to say, and was in his words "ashamed", so instead had just got on with the day (entertaining DC, a couple of DIY chores etc) I got quite cross  and said that was a really crappy excuse for continuing to behave like a twat.

We had a long and very frank conversation about our relationship during which he acknowledged that he was aware that if he behaved like this again I would leave.  He was apologetic (had already apologised to friend by text - as had she in return) and said he recognises he is an idiot when he's drunk and is going to stop drinking.

On Wednesday he came home with a very expensive (and much coveted on my part) gift. He said he'd ordered it before Christmas but I'm not convinced that it wasn't simply a peace offering. Either way it was a nice gesture although I suspect this information will provoke suggestions that he is trying to make me STFU

Yesterday we had a lovely family day out and he made a real effort. We talked as a family about plans for the coming year - what we want to do/achieve  and where we want to go. All quite positive and rounded off by a family game of cluedo grin

In fairness I can't fault him the vast majority of the time, but having done this a number of times before I find that I can't isolate the crappy behaviour when drunk and it impinges on how I feel day to day.

One positive is that one of the couples from the party sent a group email saying that they'd had a lovely time with us all and suggested a regular monthly card/games/drinks evening so it hopefully wasn't as painfully embarrassing as I have imagined it.

newyearletsgoforit Fri 04-Jan-13 17:24:23

This sounds really positive and lets face it, no-ones perfect.

I suggest you have a keyword or phrase just in case the Arselike behaviour starts up at any other gathering where he is drinking, perhaps "Your doing it" in his ear to make him realise he's about to start being a knob.

Agree the phrase beforehand and that it's his trigger to stop what he's about to do. Saves face at the party, stops him making a fool of himself and means you have a good night with no hassles the next day.

Worth a try?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:32:53

Monthly card games/drinks evening ?

I expect his "twattery" to increase ooh about fourfold then sad

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:36:03

So what would you suggest AF?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:42:39

You could try letsgoforit's suggestion

do you think he would listen though ?

you would have to have pinpoint timing because the "whisper in the ear" a drink too late is going to provoke a "fuck off and stop controlling me" response, leading to another ruined social occasion for you

I know you think I am being mean. Maybe I am. But I had a father like your husband who ruined just about every nice time we should have ever had as a family. I never dared invite school friends back because I was ashamed of him. I didn't go on sleepovers because I knew I couldn't reciprocate. It's a shit way to live.

Numberlock Fri 04-Jan-13 17:44:15

He needs to mean it when he says he's going to stop drinking and stick to it... That would be the only way for me.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:45:07

Incidentally...do you believe he is going to stop drinking ?

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