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So confused I need help..

(16 Posts)
luckyornot Mon 31-Dec-12 10:57:31

basically I don't know what , if anything, to do. My dh and I have had problems for at least 2 years, ever since I had my son really, although we have had communication problems for longer than that.

Bit of background - I'm 29, he's 25 and we've been together for 7 years, married for 5 and we have a ds who is 2.2.

My husband is basically a good person. He's a brilliant father. He tries to do right by the 2 of us.

The problem.. the problem is that we just seem to exist together. I feel like our relationship is gone, has been for a long time. We go out to dinner, and sit in silence while we pick at our food. We don't have conversation, and when we try it usually ends in arguments. He has no ambition, he has a middle paying job in finance which he hates but refuses to discuss the possibility of training to do something else. We very rarely have sex, mainly because I just don't fancy him anymore, he's gained 4 stone in the 7 years that we've been together and I realise that makes me sound shallow but .. sometimes I just look at him and I can't believe what we've become.. I still love him but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, sometimes I can't believe this has happened to us, we are so disconnected, on different planets. Our ds is the only thing keeping us together, we are both from broken homes and we both desperately wanted our ds to grow up with his mummy and daddy together and in love.

Then there is the logistics. We recently bought a flat and I cannot afford the mortgage on my own, not even close. I'm also terrified of being a single mother, I had PND quite severely (this has also contributed towards our marital problems) and although I worship my ds I still get a little panicky when I am alone with him.

I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate some advice.

qazxc Mon 31-Dec-12 11:10:46

Having grown up with a set of parents who fell out of love, then despised and cheated on each other (all apparently for mine and my sister's benefit), I can categorically say that your DS is better off with parents that are happy, even if they are apart.
Do you think that you could get the "in love" feeling back or do you feel that it is over but that you can't see a way out?
If you think you could get back the loving relationship you once had maybe you could talk to your DP about counceling? or maybe going to his GP as he does sound like he might be depressed?

jingleallthespringy Mon 31-Dec-12 11:11:58

You both sound depressed. You've had a lot on your plate the past few years and it's bound to take its toll. Early years with kids is notoriously hard, add to that you've had severe PND, plus notorious money worries in the early years. It will take a while for both of you to recover from the strain you've been under.

Very positive that you still love him. The idea that marrieds are loved-up for the duration is silly, really - some people have that but the vast majority don't.

I'm a pray-er and, fully believing that God is in the relationship business, I lay it all out in prayer and give it to him. Then I'd do something about it re counselling - either together or separately. or both. YOur husband was young when you got together and he may need to process some stuff before you can go forward. He's had a lot of responsibility at a young age and, although that may have been what he wanted, it's nevertheless hard on someone young.

You need support, either/or professional and/or family. Do you have family support? I hope so and, even if you do, some time with a trained professional may help you to sort out some of the difficulties you're facing. The early years are hard in a lot of marriages. I wish you well OP.

luckyornot Mon 31-Dec-12 11:15:56

Thankyou both.

We are lucky in that we have a lot of family support, we are both from large families and they help us a lot.

I think we definitely do need help. I would much rather a loving relationship with my dh than to split up with him, I just hate the way things are now.

Thankyou.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 12:01:39

The main thing to realise is that you can't create a loving two-person relationship single-handed and you can't artificially generate 'spark' where none exists. So the commitment to rescuing your marriage has to come equally from both of you and you have to be utterly honest with each other, even if that results in hearing things you're not comfortable with... up to and including splitting up.

I'm struck that your DH opted to settle down with you age just 18 when most boys really are still boys. You weren't much older, of course. Maybe you rushed into things and are both regretting missing out on your youth. Maybe one of you thinks they made a mistake?

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 12:02:51

What are you arguments about?
What does he say about your life together?

luckyornot Mon 31-Dec-12 12:19:04

Yes, dh was 18 when we met and I was 22. We decided after just 6 months to get married, and married 18 months after that. We are also eachothers firsts, in every way imaginable, I don't know if this has something to do with it?

We argue about everything - money, ds, his lack of ambition, our marriage, jobs - you name it. The arguing exhausts me and when we are not arguing we are tiptoeing around eachother, being very 'nice' to eachother if you know what I mean.

Dh loves me and I know he does. Most of our issues stem from my feelings rather than his I feel. He does make an effort to initalise things and more often than not I do rebuff him - sometimes without even realising I am doing so..

maleview70 Mon 31-Dec-12 12:29:51

I think the age thing is a biggie especially when combined with the level of
Responsibility.

It is possible that as you have grown up, you have grown apart. It happened to me and my exw. I was 19 when we got together as was she.

We were too young really and as we got older wanted different things.

Putting on that amount of weight can be a sign of depression and maybe he too is feeling like you but avoiding the discussion for fear of losing his family.

Maybe joint counselling would help but that won't work unless you have a talk first and lay your feelings on the line.

luckyornot Mon 31-Dec-12 12:37:19

Thanks male, I think you might be right, he is definitely really down too but won't get help, maybe cos I don't know if he even realises it.

He is often saying to me 'you've changed' 'I don't understand you anymore' 'we never have fun anymore'... and its true, I do feel like a different person than I did 7 years ago, I am nearly 30 now and have been through a lot in that time. He isn't the same either. He was very happy go lucky when we first met, happy with himself. I know he isn't anymore.

I think ds has a lot to do with it too, not so much ds himself, more my attitude to him - when I was pregnant I got very depressed, couldn't see how I would be a good mother, had no interest in having a baby at all and that was so hard for dh, he was an excited father to be and he couldn't show me how happy he was. Now, because of this, I over compensate and idolise ds to a point where I know I pay him too much attention compared to dh - I'm always telling ds I love him, that he is my beautiful baby and my favourite thing in the whole world etc.. I probably used to say nice things like that to dh, and I don't anymore.

pippinfluff Mon 31-Dec-12 12:49:18

OP. You sound very depressed, is it beyond repair? From my own experiance, if you arnt attracted to year oh anymore it won't change....I left my 2 kids dad after 8 yrs together, it was hard, but you can't keep living a lie, yes us 3 live in a rented house. But we are so much happier, I know its a lot to loose but we have to think of our selves sometimes, if we are not happy, our kids won't be either...xx

pippinfluff Mon 31-Dec-12 12:49:20

OP. You sound very depressed, is it beyond repair? From my own experiance, if you arnt attracted to year oh anymore it won't change....I left my 2 kids dad after 8 yrs together, it was hard, but you can't keep living a lie, yes us 3 live in a rented house. But we are so much happier, I know its a lot to loose but we have to think of our selves sometimes, if we are not happy, our kids won't be either...xx

pippinfluff Mon 31-Dec-12 12:52:13

Sorry for the twice posting ffs!

luckyornot Mon 31-Dec-12 12:57:44

I'm just scared. Scared of being on my own. I don't want to rip our little family apart. I just want things to be better again. Stupid I know.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 13:07:59

I think there are 2 problems here
You
Him.
He does need to do stuff. And this may be the trickiest part, to encourage him to do it.
If he is not happy in his job, is there something he can do about it?
New Year is a good time for him to try at least to lose some weight. It is good for his health, good for your ds and good for you.

You.You need to not idolise your ds. Love him yes, look after him ,care for him etc etc. But you know you are overcompensating. That isnt good for anyone.
Are you able to move on from the PND emotionally.
New Year, new start?
And pay your DH more time and attention?

The good part is you two together. You both want to stay together.
He loves you. You dont want to split up.

I would say that the one thing that may not change is his ambition. Did he ever have any? If he didnt, he may never have any. That may be his nature.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 13:09:00

" I do feel like a different person than I did 7 years ago,"

The biggest change in anyone's life is between the ages of about 14 and 30. Anyone reaching 30 with the same attitudes and interests as when they were 18 would have failed to mature, learn from experiences .... ie. arrested development. That's the trouble with setting up home with someone at just the point when their personality is still up in the air. BTW Many people are skinny teens but fill out as they get older... that shouldn't be a shock to anyone.

I often joke that men shouldn't get married before age 30 precisely because of this ... women are better at being grown-ups IME. It's not irretrievable but you have you to tackle the present together accepting each other as the people you actually are now, not the carefree, irresponsible kids you used to be. If there isn't enough to keep you together... love each other enough to part amicably and start fresh.

jingleallthespringy Mon 31-Dec-12 15:59:13

... or to find out if that's what you need to do. YOu must do some proper work to see where things stand first - both between you and individually - to find out what your options are for the future. I don't agree that just because you're having a rotten time that means it's all dead in the water - most marriages go through horrible times, it's part of life. As you say, you've been through a lot in the past few years, life has mashed you both up a lot. What you describe about the past few years would have been very difficult for you both. It doesn't make sense to go through all that and somehow magically expect 'love' to keep you bound together in a healthy way. Some manage it (somehow!) but the majority don't. If you had a bad back you'd see a back doctor, same with relationships.

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