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my husband just threw me across the bed and called me a cunt. help. long, sorry.

(55 Posts)
2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:28:52

I have namechanged. I'll try not to drip feed but I'm a bit weirded out. I just need some sensible talk.

H and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. When we first met he had lots of issues and lost his temper a fair bit, although was never violent. He cut down his drinking, had lots of couselling and seemed to have sorted himself out. He has always been quite quick to temper.. We have 2 children aged 4 and 2. He never shouts at or is aggressive in any way toward them. He does more than his equal share of houswork becuase he can't bear mess - he is almost OCD about it.

I have been noticing lately that he just doesn't seem to like me much. He is very critical (says I am messy, hints that I am lazy, criticises how I look after the children, I dont have sex enough) and always seems grumpy with me. He suffers from depression and says that he is trying hard to fight it and that I should be more understanding of his moods. I have tried very hard to be. He has started criticising me in front of other people, which I find hugely upsetting. This is intersperesed (sp??) with him being saying how much he loves me, checking and re-checking that I will never leave him etc. If I go out he always asks if there will be other men there (when I said how insulting I found this he said it's a 'joke'). I have inwardly said to myself that if things don't improve within a year then I will leave him, because I want to give the treatment and counselling he is having a chance to work.

We both work, me part time. When I work I still get up early with the kids and sort them out before I go. He does not. When I finish work I come home and put them to bed, he does not. This morning DD wanted to get up early and I thought H was getting up with her (he is off work and has been for 11 days). He refused. We had an argument because I was angry that although he has had a holiday I have not had a single lie-in (god, this sounds so pathetic but I'm trying to explain what happened). After some heated debate, but really nothing unusual, he grabbed me by the shoulders, threw me onto the bed and shouted "just fucking go to bed then, you cunt". And I mean really shouted. It hurt my shoulder as he did it, but no bruises left or anything like that. I replied that no, he can go back to bed and I'm going to call a lawyer. (I have no idea how to do that).

I know what I need to do. I really do. But I don't know how, emotionally or practically. I think know exactly how the day will go now: he will apologise, somehow try and make me take responsibility for a break up, and I think he will start using the children, as in saying if I leave him he will try and get custody blah blah blah. Because he'll be angry and nasty. He'll dismiss what happened and deny that he's violent. Not becuase this has happened before but becuase I know him so well.

I know this is what they all do. I know I'm exactly the same as so many other women, but this is my life and it doesn't seem real. I have no savings, no deposit for a flat. I have family or friends I could stay with but I need to minimise the disruption to my children. If I had the money I would be gone already. How sad is that?

I haven't told anyone yet. I need mumsnet help and strength. I'm worried I won't leave him because it's so scary. I'm educated and professional. Noone who knows me would believe I would be in this situation.

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Thu 03-Jan-13 18:17:06

Hello, thank you all. Well, he's gone, albeit only temporarily. He's at his mum's which is 100 miles away. I won't bore you with the details but after much jaw-jaw I have told him that I don't believe that I will ever be able to get past what he did, let alone respect, love him etc etc. He is very sad, as am I. He's gone for 2 weeks which will give me time to get my head in order at least, and prepare for a final decision. I am trying very hard to make a good decision for me and my children, and I have to make sure that I make it myself without influence, because I am the one who has to live with the consequences of that decision forever.

I feel fine though. I can't thank you all enough for listening.

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 18:19:34

Good for you. He needed to be told that. You must feel you're walking on eggshells, living with him.

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 18:29:47

Just read you thread and wishing you strength to keep doing what your doing.

JonTheNonMum Thu 03-Jan-13 19:28:48

Well done. The decision you will make will be the right one for you - you have done everything right giving yourself space and time to think.

mathsconundrum Thu 03-Jan-13 20:21:53

Am really pleased for you. His behaviour was outrageous and inexcusable.

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