I have namechanged. I'll try not to drip feed but I'm a bit weirded out. I just need some sensible talk.
H and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. When we first met he had lots of issues and lost his temper a fair bit, although was never violent. He cut down his drinking, had lots of couselling and seemed to have sorted himself out. He has always been quite quick to temper.. We have 2 children aged 4 and 2. He never shouts at or is aggressive in any way toward them. He does more than his equal share of houswork becuase he can't bear mess - he is almost OCD about it.
I have been noticing lately that he just doesn't seem to like me much. He is very critical (says I am messy, hints that I am lazy, criticises how I look after the children, I dont have sex enough) and always seems grumpy with me. He suffers from depression and says that he is trying hard to fight it and that I should be more understanding of his moods. I have tried very hard to be. He has started criticising me in front of other people, which I find hugely upsetting. This is intersperesed (sp??) with him being saying how much he loves me, checking and re-checking that I will never leave him etc. If I go out he always asks if there will be other men there (when I said how insulting I found this he said it's a 'joke'). I have inwardly said to myself that if things don't improve within a year then I will leave him, because I want to give the treatment and counselling he is having a chance to work.
We both work, me part time. When I work I still get up early with the kids and sort them out before I go. He does not. When I finish work I come home and put them to bed, he does not. This morning DD wanted to get up early and I thought H was getting up with her (he is off work and has been for 11 days). He refused. We had an argument because I was angry that although he has had a holiday I have not had a single lie-in (god, this sounds so pathetic but I'm trying to explain what happened). After some heated debate, but really nothing unusual, he grabbed me by the shoulders, threw me onto the bed and shouted "just fucking go to bed then, you cunt". And I mean really shouted. It hurt my shoulder as he did it, but no bruises left or anything like that. I replied that no, he can go back to bed and I'm going to call a lawyer. (I have no idea how to do that).
I know what I need to do. I really do. But I don't know how, emotionally or practically. I think know exactly how the day will go now: he will apologise, somehow try and make me take responsibility for a break up, and I think he will start using the children, as in saying if I leave him he will try and get custody blah blah blah. Because he'll be angry and nasty. He'll dismiss what happened and deny that he's violent. Not becuase this has happened before but becuase I know him so well.
I know this is what they all do. I know I'm exactly the same as so many other women, but this is my life and it doesn't seem real. I have no savings, no deposit for a flat. I have family or friends I could stay with but I need to minimise the disruption to my children. If I had the money I would be gone already. How sad is that?
I haven't told anyone yet. I need mumsnet help and strength. I'm worried I won't leave him because it's so scary. I'm educated and professional. Noone who knows me would believe I would be in this situation.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
my husband just threw me across the bed and called me a cunt. help. long, sorry.
2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis · 31/12/2012 08:28
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