Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

H has been having an affair since July ..

(198 Posts)
crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 06:52:36

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

vole3 Sun 20-Jan-13 08:02:21

I don't think words can convey how you feel when not only your world, but that of your children is so completely smashed by the person you thought loved you above everyone else.

Get angry! It will happen and is a normal part of this process.
I think most of the anger is not for ourselves or our future, but for our children. He can be detached as he effectively has a couple of years head start in the detaching as he checked out of your relationship even before the affair started. Shame he could not be honest with himself and you and let you know at the time.

You will get through this and make a fabulous life, maybe not the one you had planned, but an even better one surrounded by those who love you and you can trust.

On a practical note, if AF hasn't appeared in another week, repeat the test as false negatives are more common than false positives as my friend can confirm.

Sending you much love & hugs xxx

crazygracieuk Sat 19-Jan-13 13:04:26

I'm not pg according to the pregnancy test which is a relief.
I feel happy and sad now. Happy about leaving but also sad because of all the shit that's hit the fan.
I can't wait to feel more emotionally stable and detached like h.

doinmybest Thu 17-Jan-13 21:06:16

any news gracie?how are you feeling?

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 14:47:45

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry - wrong thead. confused

<leaves swiftly>

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 14:46:25

What about you chaos can we do you? All of us? I have seen your handwriting aksherly - I can't remember it in detail, but I remember thinking it was every nice. IIRC it was sort of arty and stylish, yet consistent and not at all random.

Which is ironic really. grinwink

lalalonglegs Tue 15-Jan-13 18:37:24

It is more than likely stress-related but the last thing you need. I'm sorry that you have this to worry about as well as everything else - good luck on Friday.

crazygracieuk Tue 15-Jan-13 17:41:28

My stress levels are through the roof. I really hope it's stress delaying things. OnFriday I will poas as Iwill be a week late

wednesdaygirl Tue 15-Jan-13 10:49:41

Maybe its late cause of stress book yourself in a doctors before friday as this situation will raise your stress levels xx

crazygracieuk Tue 15-Jan-13 07:53:38

No period yet.

I have no idea if the ow thing is true but it doesn't matter really.

ScarletPink Tue 15-Jan-13 07:39:17

Gracie, I've been following since the beginning, but I am a reader and lurker usually. However I live and work near Milky Beans (sorry, my DD8 has always called it that!) - if I can help at all please do post or PM me.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 23:17:43

Are you sure he dumped the OW ?

Do you only have his word for that ?

I think it more likely she backed up rapidly when she realised she got the booby prize

< negative POAS vibes >

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 23:13:00

No family and I only have acquaintances. I live near Milton Keynes of anyone is local by any chance?

Doha Mon 14-Jan-13 21:31:10

Do you have any close family or close friends at all Gracie in the UK?
Where roughly do you live?

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 21:27:55

A bfp would be a disaster. I have nobody to take care of me.(I would obviously look after any baby of mine)

vole3 Mon 14-Jan-13 21:15:21

Probably stress delaying things, but how would you feel about a BFP?

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 20:42:00

I'm very pissed right now but would life be easier if I was a lesbian?

To add to the chaos, my period is 4 days late and I don't want to poas.

doinmybest Mon 14-Jan-13 16:25:45

Gracie I know how you feel. My head tells me hes a liar and a cheat and has turned our worlds upside down, but my heart still loves him. Im only just realising that my heart loves him for what he was before. I actually dont know this person. He now lives with OW and if this is the 'real him' then she's welcome. I know him, and as much as he may feel happy in his new life I know the guilt and missing the kids will eat up at him for a long time Im 10 weeks in, came through Christmas and New year in a daze but Im sorting myself now, moving forward. He isnt. They deserve each other. I miss him every day but Ive got to realise thats gone.

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 14:32:56

Things were never perfect before the affair and the things that I can do to improve myself are what I talk about in counselling.

I am disappointed that he can't be bothered to do the same because we could have been great together.

I am having a very wobbly day so it's probably my hormones talking but it's hard for me to be mad at him despite the fact that he has betrayed and humiliated me and seems to be totally fine about the prospect of divorce. angryangryangry

My head knows he's a twat but in my heart Im devastated because I thought he was better than he's behaved.

shriekingnora Mon 14-Jan-13 12:13:12

Wow, things seem to be moving on. It is very sad that instead of working on things in the first place he had an affair. It sounds a little like you still want things to work out? I might be reading too much into your post though.

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:33

He has dumped OW. (I suspect it's because he's embarrassed that the kids know of her) and has to live here for financial reasons. He sleeps on the couch in the second reception room and does his own washing and ironing. We are splitting cooking so there is no atmosphere in front of the kids.
The house is on the market so fingers crossed on that front.
He wanted to reconcile for 24 hours but after that he was adamant he wants a split.
I read the Shirley Glass book recommended above but it seems pointless now as he wants a quick split.
We have sorted out finances and he's buying me a car as he wants the one we share. V excited to buy a car of my own- I have always been a named driver.
Feel very sad to get divorced as we've been together 13 years but if the other person doesn't want to work on things what can you do?

Doha Sat 12-Jan-13 13:57:18

You can and you will do this Gracie..how did he manage to move back in- l thought he was with OW?
Anyway keep the eng goal in your mind-a life with your Dc's without this 12+ stone weight around your neck.
Things can't get any worse than they are now and can only get better.
I think getting away from the house when you can with your DC's will help retain your sanity.
Do not cook clean or do his laundry, live together separately, do things with the DC's on your own and not with him as a family. Detach detach and detach again.

remember "this too will pass"

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Sat 12-Jan-13 13:11:24

Who have you told in RL, Gracie?

It's good to talk these things through out loud. It cements the reality of it, and underlines your intentions. That's why I would say keep the Relate visits.

Is he still hoping for a reconciliation then?

Do you have a friend that can come and stay? Your MIL sounded ok, didn't she? Could she take the kids to give you a break to visit a friend and have a chat?

Sending you {{{{hugs}}}} today.

ToddlersRFab Sat 12-Jan-13 13:04:27

I'm at work today, so just having a quick coffee break, so can't post a lengthly reply, but I am sending you a hug, and a reminder that it does get better. My exh left 15 months ago, and I am now in a much better place.

Someone will come along with advice on the benefits side of it. But hang on in there, and focus on whats best for you are your kids.

crazygracieuk Sat 12-Jan-13 12:45:52

I am going to need help from benefits but as long as that goes smoothly we should be ok.

The process is so confusing! I can't move out until I get benefits and h can't move out until the house is sold so not sure if I've got to wait until we are divorced?! Hm..

I'm not as strong as I sound and could really do with shoulders to cry on. I feel really low but I have to keep a happy face on for the kids. I am amazed at the number of people who have replied to my thread. It has made me feel a little better to know that I have support and can survive.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Fri 11-Jan-13 21:54:02

Gosh don't apologise...smile you've had life changing things to sort out.

You sound pretty strong and determined.

I would continue to go to the relate sessions. You don't have to go with him. He could pay for you to go alone if you need some space to sort your head out. Or you could use the sessions for a neutral place to organize the split and how you will manage the future?

We're you working Gracie? Can you support yourself?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now